Lies of the Soul
by knicnort3
Summary: Edward and Ben grew up together, closer than best friends. They relied on each other for everything and told every secret -or did they? After a devastating secret tears them apart, years later Edward meets Bella and feels a connection to her that he only felt with one other person. What is Bella's link to Ben, and how will Edward react when he finds out? AH, AU, B/E
1. Prologue

**Lies of the Soul**

**Description:** What's the difference between platonic love, and romance? What if your soul mate wasn't someone you were naturally attracted to, but the love was so intense that you found yourself wanting to be with that person despite the lack of physical desire?

Edward and Ben grew up together, closer than best friends. They relied on each other for everything and told every secret, or did they? Separated as teens, years later Edward meets Bella and feels a connection to her that he only felt with one other person. What is Bella's link to Ben, and how will Edward react when he finds out?

AH, AU, Canon pairings, M for language & lemons. BxE POVs

BANNER on my profile, please check it out.

**A/N:** This is not a slash story, meaning there is **no** gay sex, and there will be a pregnancy, so if you don't like pregnant Bella, don't read.

**Disclaimer:**_ Stephenie Meyer owns all 'Twilight' characters and story lines. No copyright infringement is intended. __All settings and characters, etc. are the property of their respective owners._

* * *

><p><em><strong>~Prologue~<strong>_

"_**Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over."**_

_~edawe15_

As a kid you don't think about the future, you don't even think about tomorrow, all you care about is where you will go that day and what kind of adventurous trouble you might find. Outwardly my childhood was like any other, full of scraped knees, endless possibilities, and the best friend anyone could ask for. We did absolutely everything together and we were closer than best friends, we were each other's oasis in the shit storm that brewed behind closed doors, and life was good when we were together.

Though we didn't talk about it much, my best friend and I shared a common background of fucked up parentage, so perhaps that was where our bond stemmed from. My mother was a flighty gold digger who slept her way through life, and my overly trusting father was instantly enamored with her. He had just suffered the loss of his wife to cancer, and since both he and my mother each had a young child, he naively thought they could build a new family together, but at that time he didn't realize just how truly disturbed she actually was. They were only together for a few months before my mother got antsy and decided she wanted to move on, so she took my half sister and me still in her stomach, and left my father and his son completely clueless about my existence.

It wasn't until she got into some trouble several years later that she decided to ditch me by sending me to live with the father I had never met, and life with him was definitely an adjustment. It was the first time I had rules and stability, but regardless of the peace my father's home provided, I secretly lived in a constant state of fear fueled by my mother's delusions. Her mental hold on me was so tight that had I not met my best friend that first summer, I wasn't sure if I could have survived it at all.

He lived four houses down, and we had an immediate connection. His mother died when he was three, and his father had since become an abusive alcoholic leaving him to be mostly raised by his emotionally vacant elderly grandmother. There was an innocent neediness about him that allowed me to bury my own issues in order to protect him from his. He gave me a purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning, and I sincerely believed I gave him the same in return. Anytime he was upset or afraid of something, day or night, he would never hesitate to run to my house and climb through the window for an impromptu visit.

We were just a couple of kids who thought we'd be friends forever….but forever was just too long. I never imagined it would end the way that it did, and I knew I'd spend the rest of my life wishing I could take it back.


	2. Ch 1 Haunting Memories

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 1 – _Haunting Memories_~

EPOV

"Emmett, what the hell are you doing?" I asked incredulously as I watched him taking pictures of random girls in the club with his iPhone.

"What? I just want to compare which ones I have fucked, with the ones who I'd _like_ to fuck," Emmett said, as if it was obvious and there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.

"You can't just take pictures of girls you don't know without their permission. It's wrong….and creepy," I told him, but he didn't care, he just kept snapping the pictures.

"Hey sexy," Tanya said while greeting me with her arms around my neck.

"You're late," I complained.

"I got held up."

"Doing what?" I asked in an accusatory tone.

"Fuck you, when did you become my dad?"

"I don't know, you sure liked to call me that last night," I said with my sexiest smirk, and she couldn't help but smile and press her lips to mine.

Tanya and I had been dating on and off of over two years. The woman was a nympho, and though I wasn't complaining, it sometimes got old and I'd find my eye begin to wander. I wasn't a cheater, but we broke up enough that I didn't really have to. But over the past month, Tanya began hinting towards the idea of cohabitation, which I vehemently tried to ignore. I didn't want to live with Tanya; I didn't want to live with anyone. I liked my space, and I had no plans of giving up my bachelor pad for any woman.

"Come dance with me," she said as she pulled me on to the dance floor. Tanya was dressed in a barely there skin tight dress, and I had to admit, the woman was fucking hot, but she didn't hold my interest for long. There were two women dancing close by, both sexier then hell, and they locked eyes with me and then they started grinding on each other before one stuck her tongue in the other's mouth. It was disgusting, and extremely arousing at the same time.

"Oh my god, that's sick," Tanya said after noticing the woman.

"I don't know, that's pretty much cum on legs," I disagreed.

"Oh, so you're into a little woman on woman action?"

"What man isn't?" I said with a devilish smirk.

"What about it do you find attractive?" she asked with real curiosity.

I shrugged. "What's not to like? Two beautiful women touching each other erotically, sucking on different body parts…" I had to adjust myself from the thought. "It's just so…wrong and _naughty_," I couldn't help but grin at the end.

"Well, does that go both ways?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you like a little guy on guy action? That's _naughty_ too."

My face reflexively distorted from the thought. "No, that's completely different."

"How so?"

"I don't know," I said disturbed. "It just…is." For a reason I didn't want to acknowledge, I started getting angry. "Can we just stop talking about this please?"

"Jeeze, a little bit sensitive on the subject, are we?"

I didn't answer her, so she continued to run her mouth.

"You know, I'd be willing to have a little girl on girl love session, if you'd be willing to return the favor and do a threesome with another guy."

"You're a freak," I spat.

"Well, a little bit of spicing up in the bedroom couldn't be a bad thing; it has gotten a little stale lately. So how about it, are you up to a little experimenting with me?"

"Fuck you," I said, and then left her on the dance floor alone. I wasn't in the mood for her shit, and I definitely wasn't in the mood to talk about _that_ topic. Tanya was all talk anyway, she'd never actually go through with anything she was saying; she just liked to get a reaction out of me, and that was exactly what she got.

"Where the hell are you going? It's early," Emmett said as I grabbed my coat and headed for the door. "Hello…I thought we were going to let loose tonight? Serves you right for inviting the harpy."

"Emmett, stay and enjoy yourself. I just had a long day. I'll get a cab home."

"You sure bro?" he asked concerned.

"I'm not a kid anymore Em, I can take care of myself," I reminded him. "See ya."

"Text me when you get home!" he called after me, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Emmett's overprotectiveness of me only grew over the years, which could be more than a little frustrating, but I actually did understand it. Growing up I was a scrawny kid who tended to get beat up a lot, whereas Emmett was older and he had always been a freak of nature. He treated me like I was his surrogate little brother, and I guess that would make him my surrogate best friend. We each took on the role that was once taken by someone else, but those days were long gone, and I tried not to think about them.

I went to my Seattle high rise apartment, and didn't even bother removing my shoes before collapsing on my bed. I hadn't drank nearly enough to even get a proper buzz, which was a shame because it meant I couldn't get Tanya's words out of my mind. _Why the hell would she even want a threesome with another dude?_ The thought alone was enough to make me nauseous.

It wasn't long before I found myself drifting off.

…

"_Ben, are you awake?" I asked him as I climbed through his bedroom window. I absolutely hated thunder storms, and granted, I had to go out in them in order to get to Ben's house, but I still would rather endure it for the thirty seconds it took me to run there, rather than spend the entire night by myself. Grams was in her room passed out of course, but she did little for my nerves; I might as well have been completely alone._

"_It's barely raining," Ben complained._

"_I heard thunder," I whispered, and didn't wait for him to say it was ok before I was sliding in his bed next to him. _

"_Just keep your feet hanging off the bed, they always make the sheets stink," Ben said groggily as he tried to get back to sleep._

"_Hey Ben?"_

"_Ugh, what?" _

"_Do you think I'll ever _not_ be afraid of storms?"_

"_I don't know. Why don't you just tell yourself that you're not afraid, and then you won't be."_

"_I'm not afraid," I whispered to myself, but then there was a loud rumble, and I grabbed a hold of Ben's arm out in pure terror._

"_Ow, that hurt," he growled at me. "Dang. Thunder can't hurt you, just relax," he commanded, and so I did. But Ben always made me feel better, he wasn't afraid of anything and I wished every day that I could find the courage to be as brave as him. At twelve years old, Ben was bigger than me and he was far more mature, and there wasn't anyone I looked up to more._

_I closed my eyes for a second, and before I knew it, Ben was shoving me in the side and the bright sun glaring through the window._

"_Eddie, wake up." He shoved me again, this time I fell off the bed._

"_Ow! Why the hell did you do that?" _

"_It's morning. Your grandma is going to be pissed if you aren't in your room when she wakes up."_

"_Oh crap. Thanks Ben, see you later," I said and then climbed out the window. _

_Ben was my rock, and at the time, I really had no idea what I would do without him._

…..

The memories played often in the form of dreams. I was so convinced that Ben and I would never be separated that I was still stunned when I'd wake up and realize that I hadn't seen him in almost a decade. It was odd that I'd dream about the stormy nights I spent with Ben when the current weather was the nicest, but I didn't want to think about it long enough to really consider what that meant.

I sometimes wondered if Emmett still thought about Ben as much as I did, or if the loss of his younger brother was just too hard to think about. We never talked about him, it was just a quiet understanding that we both had knowing it was better to leave it behind, but I couldn't control my dreams, and I'd guess Emmett had a hard time doing that as well.

I seemed to be dreaming about Ben even more than usual lately, and I wondered why that was, but I was always relieved when the dreams never ghosted over the one day I wished never happened. Ben and I grew apart after that day, _how could we not_, but even though I was upset, I never thought we would completely break ties. I never considered for a moment that he'd disappear and not contact me or his brother again. It was unfathomable, and yet, we never did speak again. All because that stupid day when we were fifteen, that horrible moment which would ruin a friendship that meant more to me than anything else in the world. But we were both different afterwards, and even years later, I hoped we'd find a way to be in each other's life again, I knew we would never be as close as we once were, but I just wanted to have him in my life, I needed him, but the reunion would never happen.

Ben's mother called and said he had died in a car accident, and my world seemed to stop. I never got the chance to apologize for how I behaved the last time we saw each other, and I never told him just how much he meant to me, and I never would.

It was hard to be Emmett's friend after Ben was gone, but we both missed Ben so much that it was only natural for us to seek a replacement, though we both knew neither of us could ever really fill that void. But I was grateful to have Emmett still in my life, and I vowed to never lose another friendship the way I had with Ben.

I got up and dressed, and went about my boring weekend. Most people couldn't wait to get through the week then have the weekend for free time, but I hated free time. I liked my space, but I hated having nothing to do because that's when I realized that I was truly alone in the world. I had friends, of course, but no one was thinking about me, and no one besides Emmett would even care if I never left my apartment again. It was the weekends when I'd miss Ben the most; it was the times when I had nothing else to do but obsess about what I did wrong.

My cell rang a little after one pm, and I wasn't surprised to see Emmett's number flash up. Of course, it was strange that he was actually calling instead of texting, but I shrugged it off and ignored the call. I didn't feel like talking at the moment.

Less than fifteen minutes later, there was someone banging on my door.

"Edward, you in there?" Emmett's voice boomed. "EDWARD! Damn it, if you don't open this door, I swear I'm gonna break the lock. You never texted me last night, so I'm really thinking that your dead in an alley or something right now! And you'd better be dead, because otherwise I'm going to kick your sorry ass for not texting me!"

_Fuck._

Emmett never made empty threats, which meant that I was going to get a wedgie or a wet-wily at least. He was so fucking immature. Twenty eight years old and he still acted like an adolescent. Besides his physical appearance, it was often hard to believe that he was actually four years older than me.

I forced myself to get off the couch, and open the door before Em had a chance to bust it down.

"EDWARD!"

"I'm coming, hold your horses!" I called as I limped from having a dead leg. I wiggled my foot around, hoping the blood would return so I could have some feeling back, but it still felt fuzzy when I turned the deadbolt to let Em in.

"Did you get mugged or something?"

"Jeeze, good morning to you too, Em."

"Morning? It's afternoon already. What'd you do, come back here and drink alone until you passed out?"

"No, I didn't drink at all when I got in. What the fuck do you want?"

"I was worried bro, you didn't text me."

"I'm not a child, Em. I'm fully capable to make it home without calling my mommy."

"Ah sweetheart, you have no idea how long I've waited for you to call me_ mommy_," he said with mock tears.

"Wow, you really should have been an actor."

"Shut up."

"No really Em, you missed your calling by becoming a cop."

"Or, I could have become a professional gambler like you," he teased.

"Day Trading is not gambling," I grumbled.

"Right, you're betting with money, so what's the difference?"

"Whatever." I wasn't about to sit there and argue with him. "Do you want a beer?"

"Nah, I'm saving my alcoholic intake for Vertigo tonight."

"You're going to the club again?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah," he said sounding bitter.

"Why are you going if you don't want to?"

"Jasper met some chick last night, and they agreed to double tonight, which means I have a blind date."

"Wow, Jazz has decided that he's tired of your ass being an immature bachelor, huh?"

"No, I just think these girls are a package deal, if you know what I mean."

"Ah, I see."

"Hey, bring Tanya, we'll make it a triple date."

"You just said last night what a downer harpy she is, and now you want me to bring her along?"

"Well, maybe she'll annoy the hell out of these chicks too, and they won't push for an extra long night." Emmett could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't going for it, so he added. "Oh, come on. Take one for the team."

I sighed, and realized that I didn't have a good enough excuse to not go, so I agreed hoping Tanya had already made other plans so I could get out of it.

But of course Tanya was free, she was always free. At least I knew I'd get a blow job out of the night.

I waited until the last possible minute before I finally went and got dressed for the evening. But because I was out of time, I didn't give myself a chance to pick out something to wear. I looked in my closet and realized that I hadn't done laundry in a while and all my hangers were bare, so I started digging through the huge pile of dirty clothes on the floor. I picked up a few shirts, and decided on wearing whichever smelled the least, and I didn't even care enough to iron it. _I wasn't trying to impress Tanya anyway._

I wasn't surprised when Tanya bitched the whole drive to the club, I actually prepared for it and coached myself to tune her out entirely. Sometimes I thought about breaking things off completely with her, but then I'd always come up with an excuse not to. It was shitty of me, but I mostly kept her around because I knew I could always get laid.

We arrived and I found Em right away, he was always easy to spot. Jazz was with him, and next to him was a very busty blonde.

"Ah, there he is," Jasper said and reached his fist out for me to bump.

"Hey, how's it going?" I had left the previous night before Jasper had even arrived at the club, so it had actually been a few months since I saw him last.

"This is my date Rosalie, Rose this is my buddy Edward, and his girlfriend Tanya," Jasper said with a smile. I silently cringed when Jasper called Tanya my 'girlfriend', even though I guess that's what she was, but it still made my skin crawl to hear it.

"Nice to meet you," I said to Rose. "So did your friend get held up?" I asked her, wondering why Emmett's blind date wasn't there.

"Yeah, she'll be here soon," Rose said softly. With the way the woman was dressed, I really was expecting a bitchier demeanor. I was usually a good judge of character and I really thought this Rose chick was going to be a pain in the ass, but she was actually really nice.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked Emmett quietly as he sulked with his arms crossed, refusing to look at Rose and Jasper.

"I just can't wait for this night to be over," he said bitterly. He glanced back at Jasper and grimaced, and then he turned back away, pretending to be watching the swaying bodies on the dance floor.

"You got a thing for Jasper's chick?" I guessed quietly.

"Fuck no, I can't stand that bitch."

"Wow, tell me how you really feel," I joked, but he wasn't laughing. "So, you've met her before?"

"She lives in my building, and her fucking dog keeps shitting on my morning paper. I confronted her about it, and she just laughed it off and didn't even try to clean it."

I couldn't help but start cracking up, so I was glad the music was too loud for Jasper and his shitting bitch owner of a date to hear me. "Man, you are way more on edge than just a little hard feelings towards a woman and her dog. What's really going on?"

"It doesn't matter," he said a little too quietly, but I heard him anyway. I let it go for the moment, but I fully planned to force him to talk later.

"Hey there she is," Rose announced, and we turned to see a petite woman with short dark hair, making her way through the crowd to our table. "Emmett, this is Alice, Alice, this is Emmett," Rose introduced Em to his date. Alice was cute, but she was so tiny that she looked absolutely ridiculous next to Em's Goliath frame.

Rose introduced Tanya and me to her friend as well, and then the six of us sat in awkward silence through two whole dance songs.

"So, do you want to dance, or something?" Alice finally asked Emmett.

"No, I think I might step on you and crush your whole body," Emmett said dryly.

"How about you doll, do you want to go for a spin?" Jasper asked Rose.

Rose strangely looked up at Emmett, and then she turned back to Jasper. "You know, my feet are actually really hurting right now. Why don't you take Alice."

Alice turned to her friend with an excitedly grateful smile.

"Really, you don't mind?" Jasper asked Rose.

"Not at all."

"Well, how about it?" Jasper asked Alice.

"I'd love to," she beamed.

Jasper and Alice completely disappeared, and we didn't see them again for another hour and a half.

In the mean time, Tanya pulled me to the bar and I sat there while she flirted with the bartender. I knew she was doing it to try to make me jealous, but I just wasn't the type to care, besides, we did get some free drinks out of it.

"So, uh…Garrett wants to take me out for drinks, what do you think?" Tanya asked unexpectedly.

"Who's Garrett?" I asked confused.

"The bartender."

I laughed. "The bartender wants to take you out for drinks?" I laughed again. I hadn't been paying attention at all to their conversation, but again, I really just didn't care.

"Yeah well, he can't drink while on the job, so he wants to take me to a different club where we can have a drink together."

"I'm not your boyfriend Tanya, go do whatever the hell you want."

"If you're not my boyfriend, what the hell are you?" she asked irately. She didn't want me to be ok with her leaving with the guy, she wanted me to puff out my chest and threaten him for picking up on my woman, but I didn't and it pissed her off.

"I'm your occasional fuck buddy," I said emotionlessly.

"Ugh, you're such a prick!" she snapped, and then grabbed her bag and motioned for the bartender to follow her.

"Hey bud," I called after Garrett. "She gets really horny after she's had a few Mai-Tais."

"You douche bag," Tanya said, and then stormed off.

_I guess I wouldn't be getting a blowjob after all._

I wandered back to the table and was stunned to see Emmett and Rose trying to devour each other's faces. I cleared my throat to announce my presence, but they didn't stop, so I settled for kicking Emmett's leg.

"Ow, jerk! What the hell?"

"Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"No, fuck off."

I grabbed Emmett's arm and pulled him away from Jasper's date.

"Dude?"

"Emmett, Rose is here with Jasper. Are you willing to lose your best friend over the chick that lets her dog shit on your door step every morning?"

"Ed, I really don't think Jazz cares," he said with a smirk and pointed to the other side of the bar. Jasper was sitting on a stool with Alice in his lap, and their tongues were knotted together.

"Fuck."

"I know, it all worked out," Em said, and then patted me on the shoulder. "Now, if you'll excuse me bro." He started to walk away, but then he turned back to me. "You better fucking text me tonight, or I really will kick your ass."

I put up my hands defensively. "Alright, alright."

Since Jazz and Em were both getting laid that night, I decided to search for my own conquest. I started chatting it up with a promising red head, but then suddenly I just got bored. _What the hell was wrong with me? _Like the night before, I went home alone and fell asleep without even getting drunk first.

Tanya was wrong about me, I wasn't a douche bag, I was a full blown loser.

My last thought before I fell asleep was how badly I just wanted a peaceful rest, and I prayed I wouldn't have another haunting dream. Just for one night; I needed one night without being tormented by my dead best friend...


	3. Ch 2 Smooth Talk

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 2 – _Smooth Talk_~

EPOV

"I'm in love!" Emmett announced as he danced into my office without any other form of greeting. I was in the middle of working on a new advertising campaign, but Emmett never cared if I was busy or not, he always came in whenever he felt like it, and even had the audacity to actually sit there and put his feet up on my desk like he owned the place.

"Good for you," I said irritated while shoving his feet off.

"Ah, don't be bitter because your love life sucks. What the hell is all this stuff anyway?" he asked as he rummaged through the papers on my desk.

"I'm not bitter, and don't touch my shit. I have a deadline Emmett, so what do you want?"

"I really don't know why you do this job anyway. Doesn't your gambling bring in enough doe?"

"Emmett, if all I did was play the stock market, I'd go insane."

"Well shit, just send that money over my way then."

"It has nothing to do with money; I just don't like to be bored. So, what's up?" I asked.

Emmett pointed to his officer's uniform. "I'm here on official business."

"If the agency is under investigation for anything, I had nothing to do with it."

Emmett laughed. "Chill. I was just here responding to a fender bender in the parking garage, so I decided to come up to say hey."

"Well 'hey' to you too, but I'm really busy right now."

"Okay, I can see when I'm not wanted. I just wanted to let you know that I'm in love and I think I'm going to propose."

"What?" I said incredulously. "You've only been dating Rose for three months, you can't be serious."

"When you know, you know. Besides, I was thinking about taking her home to meet Pop, and I was going to ask her there. You know, I bet the wild flowers are blooming in the meadow right now."

"Em, don't take her to the meadow," I said quickly.

"Why? I bet she'd love it."

"Well for one, it's a five mile hike and Rose doesn't seem like the hiking type. And two, I think it's better to leave that place _undisturbed_."

Emmett's face turned down as he considered what I meant, and then he sighed. "I guess you're right. But I'm still taking her to meet Pops; do you want to come down with us?"

"Man, I haven't been back to Forks since I graduated, and I really have no desire to."

"I bet Pops would love to see you."

"I see him every time he comes here, besides I'm not sure I can make it a whole three hours stuck in the car with her," I said coldly. I soon realized that my initial impression of Rosalie had been correct, she was definitely a bitch. I actually thought she was really good for Em though, he needed someone to rope him in and scare him straight, but I really couldn't stand her for more than a couple hours at a time, and I needed to be able to escape if I wanted.

"Okay fine, but eventually, you're going to have to go back."

"Why the hell would I ever have to go back? Forks is one of the smallest towns in Washington, there is nothing there that I couldn't get here."

"What about your grandmother?"

"The woman died almost a decade ago."

"Yeah, but her grave is there, don't you want to go visit her some time?"

"No, I have no desire to go visit her grave. That's just morbid, if you ask me. Besides the old bat never really cared about me, so why the hell should I care enough to go visit her rotting carcass?"

"That's harsh bro," he said, but I just shrugged. "What about Ben? Would you go visit _his_ grave?" he asked unexpectedly.

"He's not buried there, his bitch of a mother never told us where he was buried."

"But if he was?"

I thought about it for a moment, and then shook my head. "No, I still think it's gross. Besides it doesn't matter, I'm not going to Forks with you."

"Fine, but you _are_ going to Canada with us next week."

"Yeah, about that…"

"There is no way in hell you're backing out on us. We all go up there every year for a mandatory guys' week, and I will not allow you to weasel your way out of it."

"Em, I just have so much shit going on here, I really don't think I can take a whole week off…"

"Zip it. Just stop talking because you're wasting your breath. I will not take any excuses. You are going, and if your boss won't let you, I'm just going have to go talk to him about it." Emmett got up and started walking towards my boss's office, so I called after him to stop.

"Ok fine, I'll work it out." I certainly didn't need my pseudo big brother in his officer's uniform to ask my boss for time off. I really wished Em would stop treating me like a fucking child; it was really starting to get old.

Jasper, Emmett, and I always went to Vancouver every year for skiing and snowboarding. Sometimes we brought other guys with us, but we always had one rule, 'no chicks'. It was a guys' week; time for us to hang out and not worry about oversensitive women and their feelings, and crap like that. So imagine my surprise that when we got to the hotel, Rose was in the lobby with a huge grin on her face.

"Babe, what a coincidence. I didn't know you were going to be here this week," Emmett lied horribly.

"You're a fucking moron," I said so only he could hear me. He smirked at me and then went to grab a hold of Rose. I turned to Jasper, and he was obviously looking around for Alice. "You too?"

Jasper grinned sheepishly. "Sorry bro, it was Emmett's idea, and he said you wouldn't come if you knew they were going to be here."

"Yeah, why the hell would I? You two are going to be off with your chicks the whole time, what the fuck am I supposed to do? At least if you told me, I could have brought Tanya."

"Yeah well, that's what we were afraid of. Tanya's a rancid bitch, man; none of us like to hang out with her."

I felt an insignificant need to defend my sometimes girlfriend, but it was hard to come up with any good excuses for her bitchy ways, so I decided to turn the table on his girlfriend. "Well, Alice is a…." I had nothing, and Jasper knew it.

"Man, you can't think of one thing wrong with my woman," he said smugly.

"Sure I can. She's…_small_ and what if she…_falls_ in a snow bank and you can't find her. It'll ruin our whole week," I said pathetically.

Jasper just laughed at me then patted my shoulder before he noticed Alice walking into the lobby. And then he was gone too, leaving me to stand alone like an idiot. I went up to the counter and handed the receptionist my credit card. I would have just gone home, but I figured I could at least hit the slopes alone for a couple days.

Later that evening, Emmett called and begged me to meet everyone for dinner, so I agreed. It was better than eating alone anyway.

I got to the restaurant a little late, so of course everyone already had their drinks and were munching on appetizers.

"I was just about to go back to your room and drag you here," Emmett scolded me.

"I'm really fucking scared, Em," I said sarcastically. "Sorry, I just lost track of time."

"Man, guess who this is," Emmett said while pointing to a woman sitting with Alice.

I glanced at her carelessly and noticed that she did look familiar, but I couldn't really place her face.

"She's Ben's sister Isabella. Small fucking world huh?"

My whole body went numb, and I may have even stopped breathing for a moment. I had no idea why I reacted like that, but I did my best to push the feelings away and ignore them. I looked at the seemingly shy woman closer, and I realized that she did in fact, look a lot like Ben. I always knew he had a half sister, but I never met her before. Emmett was right; it was a small fucking world.

"Hey, nice to meet you," I said trying to remain casual, even though I felt anything but. It was hard to be around yet another memory of Ben, when all I wanted to do was try to not think about him. "So, you're friends with Alice and Rose?" I asked her hesitantly.

She bit her bottom lip. "Uh yeah. I've known Alice forever, and she introduced me to Rose a few years ago."

"How's your bitch of a mother?" I asked before actually thinking.

Isabella looked at me stunned for a moment, and Alice surprisingly shot me an angry expression. I had never seen her upset in the slightest, so I figured I must have offended her. Perhaps it was my language that made them upset.

"Sorry, what I meant to say was, how is your _poor excuse_ for a mother?" I corrected, but Alice just seemed to get more pissed, and Isabella turned away while trying to look anywhere else but at me.

"Have you ever even met her mother?" Alice snarled at me.

"No, and trust me, I don't want to."

"Yeah, that woman was a piece of work, no offense," Emmett backed me.

"Well, how can she _not _be offended?" Alice retorted. "You're both being an ass about a woman you've never met."

"Hey, all we know is what my brother told us," Emmett said quickly.

"Well maybe Ben didn't know her as well as he thought he did," Alice said with increased anger. "Or maybe she made some bad decisions; maybe she needed help, not people talking shit and passing judgment on her."

So Emmett started to get pissed as well. "The woman practically destroyed my father's life! I'm sorry, but 'bitch' is actually too nice of a term for her. And then she just called my dad out of the blue and said that my brother died, but she wouldn't give us any more information than that. What kind of person does that? Do you realize that I I've never even been to his grave?"

"Okay, let's just calm down here," Jasper intervened. "We're on vacation, and the conversation just got way too heated. Let's just have a simple dinner, and we'll make time later to talk about all this."

Emmett and Alice just glared at each other, but let it go.

I couldn't take my eyes off Isabella the whole dinner. She didn't talk much, but she just looked so much like Ben that I knew for a fact I was going to have restless dreams all night.

…

"_What the hell happened to you?" Ben asked me protectively as he examined my bruised face and bloody lip._

"_Nothing, forget about it."_

"_I'm not going to forget about it. Who the hell did this to you?"_

"_No one, it doesn't matter."_

"_That fucking James," he said and began to storm off._

"_Where are you going?" I asked in a panic._

"_I'm going to go kick his ass."_

"_No Ben. James is a jerk, but he's a strong jerk. You'll just get hurt and then I'll feel like shit."_

"_Why the hell did he hit you this time?"_

_I shrugged. "He said I was staring at his girlfriend."_

_Ben raised his eyebrow. "Were you?"_

"_No," I said quickly, "well…maybe."_

"_You fucking idiot. I told you to stay away from that girl."_

"_Ah, come on. She's the hottest girl in school; it's hard not to look at her."_

_Ben stared at me for a moment, and then shook his head. "You got what you deserved," he said bitterly, and then turned to walk home._

"_Yo, Masen!" Jacob Black called from his bike across the street._

"_What?" I yelled and watched with a grin as Ben came strolling back. Fucking idiot could never stay mad at me._

"_Baseball game, at the sandlot." Jake informed us._

_I looked at Ben, and he shrugged with a nod, so we grabbed our bikes and followed Jake to the field._

_That was the summer when we were thirteen. Baseball was life, and we'd drop anything to play. When we got to the sandlot, I wasn't at all surprised to see James and his gang waiting to play against us. James was a year older, and he towered over everyone on our team, but he sucked at baseball and we usually won._

"_How's your face feeing Masen?" Laurent teased as I came up to bat._

"_Better than yours is about to feel," I said cockily. Laurent pitched the ball and I hit it hard, sending it straight back at his left eye._

"_You fucking douche, you did that on purpose!"_

"_What? I can't hear you, I'm too busy running the bases," I said with a smirk as I jogged around the diamond. Vince grabbed the ball and tried to tag me, but I picked up speed and I was way too fast for him. I was faster than everyone._

_We switched sides and Ben walked to the mound; he was our best pitcher, so no one even thought twice that he would do it. James came up to bat, and scowled as the first two balls went whizzing past him._

"_Haha, you fucking suck!" I heckled from first base. _

"_Shut your fucking mouth Masen, or I'll shut it permanently."_

"_What, you can't take the heat?" Jake said from left field._

"_I'll kick your ass too Black," James spat._

"_If I were you, I'd stop worrying about them, and worry about my ball finding its way into Mike's catcher's glove behind you," Ben said cockily._

"_Not a chance."_

_Ben threw the ball and James actually made contact. Of course, he hit the ball straight up and Ben was able to catch it easily. _

"_Boo-ya!" I gloated. "James plays ball like a fucking GIRL!"_

_Well, that pissed him off. James threw his bat down and charged me. As much as I liked to run my mouth, really that's all I was. I was horrible at fighting and as I watched James come barreling towards me, I knew I was about to be inflicted with a lot of pain…again. I should have run, but that would have made me look even stupider, so I stood my ground and braced myself._

_But the pain didn't come. I watched as Ben got between us and punched James square in the jaw, knocking him flat on his ass. James recovered himself, and he and Ben started brawling._

_Ben was smaller than James, but he was also tougher. I ran to the fight, and so did James' buddies. I was about to dive in and help, but then a pair of strong hands came up from behind and moved me out of the way. Emmett was the biggest guy I had ever seen, and he easily lifted James off his brother, and tossed him to the side. _

_James of course got up, intending on attaching Emmett, but Em wouldn't have it._

"_Stay the fuck down!" he warned him aggressively._

"_What the hell Em, I had him?" Ben said heatedly._

"_Yeah right. Pops said I had to keep an eye on you, and the last thing I need is you coming home looking like your idiot friend over there," Emmett said while pointing at me._

"_What? Fuck you!" I said angrily, not really knowing what he meant by that. _

"_Ben, seriously. You need to find some new friends. Look at Edward; he's always covered in bruises and black eyes. That kid doesn't know how to not provoke people to kick his ass." _

_Although I loved having someone as big as Emmett on our side, I really did loath him. He was always telling Ben that I was a 'white trash piece of shit', and it was my fault any time Ben got into trouble….which I guess was true. But Ben always defended me._

"_Mind your own business, Em. No one is asking_ you _to be friends with Edward," Ben said to his brother._

"_You are my business, and I would never be caught dead being friends with someone like Edward."_

…_._

"Dude, I think I just had the best fucking night of fucking in my life," Emmett said the next morning. I was minding my own business and enjoying a peaceful breakfast alone in the hotel restaurant, when Emmett decided to assault me with his disturbing mental images. "Man, the things that woman can do…"

"Shut the fuck up, I don't want to know that shit."

"Ah, it was amazing."

"So go back to her then. Why the hell are you down here with me?"

"She's hungry. I worked my woman up an appetite."

I just shook my head and tried to go back to my breakfast. It was a busy week, the hotel seemed to be completely booked up, so I woke up extra early just to get a table. Emmett ordered his take-out and when it came, he took it up to his room immediately. I was in no rush, so I just sat there and read the local paper while I enjoyed my cup of coffee.

Something made me look up and I noticed Isabella standing among the mass of people, waiting for a table. I really didn't want to be around her too much, but I felt a little guilty, so I went over to her and invited her to come sit with me. She was hesitant at first, obviously my degrading comments towards her mother made a negative impact, but her hunger outweighed her irritation with me, and she agreed.

"So, are you really big on skiing?" I asked, trying to make small talk as she looked over the menu.

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"You live in Florida, right?"

"Yes, but Alice has been trying to get me to move back to Washington for years now."

I nodded. "So do you remember Emmett from when you lived in Forks with your mom?"

She shook her head. "It was a long time ago, before Ben was even born, and it was only for like a month."

We sat in awkward silence for a while and I considered leaving since my coffee was already gone, but my curiosity got the better of me.

"Did he…did Ben ever talk about me?" I asked uncomfortably.

She looked at me a little confused, but then she seemed to understand what I was asking. "Uh, I don't know," she said and then started looking around the room as if she was searching for a way to escape.

"Well, was he happy at least? Towards the end, before he died, did he seem happy to you?"

Ben decided to move back with his mom when we were sixteen. We had spent almost the entire six months before he left not speaking, and one day he just stopped coming to school. I finally got worried and sucked up my pride to go ask if he was ok, but his dad said he moved away. Three years after that we got the news that he died, and I had never been able to forgive myself for the hell I put him through the last few months that he was around for.

"Yeah, I think he was happy. He made some friends and started college, but I think he always missed Forks," she said uncomfortably.

I suddenly got lost in the way Isabella's mouth moved. She was so much like Ben that watching her talk and the way her eyes penetrated mine, was completely mesmerizing. She was like a ghost, or perhaps my punishment for every horrible word I said to her brother. Was Ben haunting me by sending his look-alike sister my way to raise the guilt I already carried?

"You okay?" she asked suddenly, waking me from my trance.

"Yeah sorry, I was just thinking about something."

She laughed once. "Do you do that often?"

"What?" I asked confused.

"Think. You seem to be having a hard time with it."

"You have no idea," I said with a smirk. "So, are you considering moving back to Washington then?"

"Uh, I don't know. I want to, but there's just so much to consider. I had a really amazing job offer there, but it's such a big move."

"No kidding. Moving from sunny warm Florida to the rainy sunless Seattle would be difficult for anyone."

"I actually love the weather in Washington. I always thought the rain was peaceful, and I really miss the mountains."

"I thought you said you didn't remember living there?"

"Well…I go to visit Alice quite often."

"How did you two meet anyway?" I asked, confused as to how they would have crossed paths living on opposite sides of the country.

"Our moms were close," she said quickly, as if she had rehearsed the line and was expecting me to ask that question."

"Oh," I said, not having anything else to say beyond that.

"So, Alice said that you work for an advertising agency?" Isabella asked quietly.

"Yeah, I'm good at making people want to buy things. I dazzle just about everyone I meet." I joked.

"I could see that about you," she said seriously.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You just seem like one of those types who could sell garlic to a vampire."

"Oh, so you mean I'm charming?" I teased, and was surprised when she started blushing.

"I meant that you're kind of arrogant, suave, and probably really good at lying."

I grimaced. "Ouch. Wow, you only met me yesterday and you already have such an amazing impression of me?"

"I didn't mean to offend you, all I was trying to say is that you seem like an overly confident, smooth talker."

I raised my eyebrows. The woman was just insulting me, and then she apologized with another deprecating assumption.

"Okay, that didn't come out right," she said to herself. "I think I'm going to go."

"No. Look, I'm already finished, so stay and enjoy you're breakfast," I said and then got up and left. I wasn't really upset, in fact, I thought the whole thing was quite entertaining, but I could tell she was uncomfortable so I left to give her some space.

….

"_What the fuck are you two doing?" Emmett asked annoyed._

"_What does it look like, we're selling Ice cream," I said with a 'duh'._

"_It's fucking twenty five degrees out." He looked at his brother with a disappointed expression. "Ben come on, I know you're smarter than this."_

_Ben shrugged. "Edward said that no one else would be selling ice cream, so we'd have a hot commodity."_

"_No one is going to buy ice cream in this freezing weather."_

"_I don't know Emmett. Old man Vladimir just bought a cone," I said._

"_Really?" Emmett said surprised._

"_Yeah, and Felix said he'll buy some when he gets back from his jog. He said that ice cream after a workout helps add muscle and alleviate cramps."_

"_No fucking way, he didn't say that."_

"_He did too, right B?" I asked Ben, silently begging him to back up my fib._

"_Yeah, sure," Ben said flatly._

"_Well, I just got done running, so I'll take a cone and we'll see how well it works."_

_I smiled. "That'll be fifty cents."_

"_Fifty cents for a fucking tiny cone that I could get at home?"_

"_Felix didn't seem to have a problem with it," I said quickly. Felix was Emmett rival, and they were constantly competing to see who was faster and stronger. I knew my tactic would work on Emmett, and it did._

"_Fine," Em grumbled and went into the house to get some change, before reemerging and buying the ice cream. "If I find out you spit in this, I'll kick your ass."_

"_He didn't spit in it Em," Ben said quickly._

_Emmett shivered as he bit into his ice cream, and I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't help but laugh. Fucking sucker._

"_What's so funny?" Emmett asked agitatedly. _

"_Nothing bro, everything is fine," Ben assured him._


	4. Ch 3 Tangled

**Lies of the Soul**

Chapter 3 - Tangled

EPOV

"So, if Isabella is my brother's sister, then what is she to me?" Emmett asked confused as we were riding the lift to the top of the mountain. Thankfully, the women were spending the afternoon in the spa.

"Uh, I guess if your dad was married to her mom, she would be your step sister. But your parents were never married and the only connection between you two is gone, so I guess she's nothing to you."

Emmett nodded. "Good, then I don't have to threaten you to stay away from her."

"What?" I asked confused.

"Oh come on bro, I've seen the way you have been looking at her."

"I haven't been looking at her," I said defensively.

"Oh yeah you have, and it's freaking Rose out a bit."

"Why the hell would Rose care?" I asked irritated.

"Because Isabella is her friend, and you don't have the best reputation when it comes to women."

"Please, women love me."

"Yeah, and then you ditch them and leave them heartbroken. You know that song about cold hearted snakes? Well, that's you."

"You're nuts. Tanya is pretty satisfied with me."

"Dude, don't ever talk about that disgusting harpy around me again. Besides, you're the biggest jerk when it comes to her, not that I can blame you, but still. Just stay away from Isabella…or at least if you don't, just don't piss her off to the point that she tells Rose and then I get in the dog house for it. Remember, our wedding is coming up and you'll both be there, so it's not like you can fuck her and then never worry about seeing her again."

"Emmett, I have no desire to fuck that woman. Besides the fact that she is definitely not my type, she looks so much like Ben that it would be too much of a disturbing distraction to even enjoy it in the slightest."

"Not your type? I didn't know you had a type. Two legs, check, two breasts, check, a warm coochie, check. Dude, the woman is definitely your type."

"Fuck you. You know I like blondes, and her breasts are nowhere near big enough for my taste."

"Oh, you mean because they're real? I know you're used to Tanya's fake ass tits, but come on man, there's nothing better than all natural mounds of pleasure, regardless of the size."

"That's easy for you to say, your chick's breasts are huge."

"When you truly love someone, the shape of their body doesn't matter so much. You're attracted to their heart and soul, and that radiates to the outside as well."

I just stared at Em, completely dumbfounded. Besides me, Emmett was the shallowest guy I knew -W_hat the hell did that Rose bitch do to him?_

"Don't look at me like that. I just finally know what it's like to really love someone, and I wouldn't care if Rose had three nipples and twelve fingers, I would love her anyway."

I tried to hold it in, but I was completely powerless. I busted out laughing so hard that my stomach and sides actually hurt from it.

"Go ahead, laugh it up. But you'll see, someday you'll fall head over heels for someone, and there will be nothing that person could do that would change the way you feel about them."

"Nope. No way, no how. I don't even believe in that shit. No love is unconditional."

"You'll see," he repeated with a grin.

I just rolled my eyes at Emmett. Sure, he loved Rose at the moment, but I couldn't see it lasting. Even if they did get married, it was only a matter of time before one of them got bored, or they realize that they actually didn't like each other as much as they thought they did…._or there is a misunderstanding, and one of them says some hurtful things, only to have the other leave and go off to die somewhere._

It would have been better to never feel so strongly for someone, than to experience that level of a connection and then have it vanish like it was nothing. Stupid little choices, turning into huge fucking mistakes….

"_Edward, I'm sorry. I have no idea why I did that."_

"_Fuck you, you fucking fag. Stay the hell away from me, you make me sick. Why the fuck would you ever think I would want to do that? If you ever come near me again, I'll fucking kill you!"_

So many mistakes. Vicious words, which I would never be able to take back, and still to this day, left a bitter taste in my mouth from the way they rolled off my tongue. A secret he and I would both take to the grave.

"Uff" I slammed into a tree, knocking the wind out of me. I sat there for a moment, and had no idea how the hell it happened. Granted, I had been preoccupied, but still, I had never run into a tree before while snowboarding. I didn't feel like anything was broken, but I was sore and achy all over. I looked around to see if Emmett was still close, but I didn't see him anywhere.

"Wow, that looked rough," someone said. I turned to see a woman grinning at me; her face was covered by the ski goggles, but I knew who it was.

"Nah, I was just taking a break," I lied convincingly.

"Uh huh," Isabella said sarcastically. The damn woman seemed to be the only person on the planet who knew instantly when I was lying. How the hell is that possible? "Here, let me help you up," she said and offered me her hand.

I smirked. "I think I can manage."

"You're so fucking stubborn," she said unexpectedly. Over the past few months, I had learned a few things about the women my friends were dating. One, they were very girly, and two, they got pissed if you used the F word too casually without the excuse of being drunk or watching a sporting event. I, of course, did my best to say 'fuck' as much as possible when I was around them, just to piss them off. So the fact that Isabella didn't bat an eye from the word and even casually used it herself was…strangely attractive.

"Yes I am stubborn, how'd you guess," I said mockingly as I struggled to get upright. I was seriously starting to rethink the whole snowboarding thing, perhaps I should have stuck with skis. Trying to stand while my ass was buried in the snow and my feet were locked to the board, which were also buried in the snow, really sucked.

"You're going to be there all day, here," she said and grabbed my arm. She was actually pretty strong for being as lean as she was, but she was nothing compared to me. I pulled back easily, which made her fall forward, practically into my lap.

"Well, that was helpful," I shot her my irresistible crooked smile. _Why the fuck was I wasting my sexy expressions on her?_

Usually my oozing charm won the ladies over right away and left them begging me to fuck them, but Isabella just rolled her eyes and looked annoyed. "Let me guess, you smile like that and the women just drop their panties for you?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I said cockily.

Isabella pushed her way off of me and then tried to situate herself so she could finish her trip down the mountain.

"Wait," I said, hoping she'd take pity on me. Truth be told, I really wasn't sure if I could get up on my own. "Can you please help me up?" I asked pathetically as I painfully moved my legs out from under me. Ok, maybe I was more than 'a little sore'.

"You sure you're okay with a woman helping a big manly man, such as yourself?"

"I know you'd be honored to do it," I joked. I actually thought she'd get pissed and leave me there, but she just smirked and started pulling at my arm again. Damn, my ass was really stuck.

She pulled as hard as she could while I tried to stand, and when I finally got upright, she fell back and I fell on top of her. The whole thing was like one of those ridiculous slapstick comedies, we must have looked like idiots, especially when we both started laughing uncontrollably.

"Okay, let's get down this mountain before Emmett sends out a search party for us," I finally said after forcing myself to stop laughing.

"He definitely seems like he'd do something like that," Isabella agreed.

"Yeah, he's a bit overprotective."

"I think it's really cool that you two are so close. You seem to really care about each other."

"Well, I think Emmett is just the type of person who needs to feel like he's protecting people. I give him a lot of crap for it, but it's nice to know he's always got my back."

"And you have his, I'd assume."

"Of course, he's like my brother."

Isabella nodded as if she was comforted somehow by my relationship with Emmett, which was odd, but I decided not to think too far into it.

Whenever I went skiing or snowboarding with Jasper and Emmett, we'd always go to the top of the mountain together, then separate to find our own path down, but strangely, Isabella and I stayed close for the rest of the way. I'd hit a jump, and she'd show off by hitting a bigger one, and there was no way I'd let her one up me, so I had to find an awesome way to do a trick.

"Don't over exert yourself, you may run into another tree," she teased.

"I have never run into a tree before, and I'll never run into another one again."'

"Right….LOOK OUT!" she yelled, and I turned in time to just miss a giant boulder. I looked over at her, and she smiled gloatingly.

"That wasn't a tree, that was a rock," I defended myself.

"I didn't say anything."

We finished our run, and were about to part ways but for some reason, I found myself asking her to grab some coffee with me.

"Wow, you haven't had enough of me yet?" she asked with a grin.

"Well, all the time we spent stuck with our asses in the snow, I figured it was only right for me to buy you some coffee."

"Or maybe we could get some ice cream," she joked.

My smile faded and I just stared at her in shock.

"Uh, I was kidding," she said, after noticing my change of mood.

I wasn't sure if she was _only_ joking, or if maybe Ben had told her about our childhood wintertime ice cream stand. But even more surprising was the fact that I was hoping for the latter. I was actually still upset that Isabella had said that Ben never talked about me to her, but perhaps he did and she just didn't want to mention it for some reason.

"Okay, well, it's fucking cold out here, so let's go get something warm," I said, trying to forget about her comment.

We went to the little walk up café at the resort, and I gestured for her to order first.

"Uh…hot chocolate with extra marshmallows," she told the man at the register. I guess I should have expected her to order Ben's favorite hot drink, they were siblings, and siblings tended to like the same things.

"I'll have the same."

I really thought having another reminder of Ben around would have been difficult, but oddly enough, the more Isabella was like Ben, the more I eagerly wanted to spend time with her.

"So what do you do for a living?" I asked her as we sat with our drinks.

"Uh…I'm a guidance counselor."

"What's with the pause?" I questioned.

"Well I have my MSW, but I just got a job offer for a social worker position in Seattle, and that's really what I want to be doing, so…" she shrugged.

"Can't you be a social worker in Florida?"

"I could, but I love Washington and Alice is like a sister to me, so it's hard to _not_ want to take the job there."

"Yeah, I guess I could see that." And then a thought occurred to me, "So why didn't you do 'spa day' with the other women?"

"Ugh, I'm really not into the whole spa thing. I just can't stand the thought of someone touching me all over. And I absolutely hate people touching my feet, so I refuse to get pedicures."

I laughed. "Sensitive feet must run in the family. Ben hated people touching his feet too."

"Our mom studied acupuncture and reflexology for a short time, and she said that feet have pressure points that connects to every single part of the body, so I really hate the idea of someone having that kind of power over me."

"Really?" I asked, not really expecting an answer. "So, what now?"

"Do you want to go down the mountain again?"

I shook my head. "No, not at all. I think I'm ready to put my board into storage for good."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad," she disagreed. "You know, there's a theater down the street, we could go catch a movie."

"Do you even know what's playing?"

"Does it really matter? Anything would be better than you wiping out again and risk breaking your neck."

"Hey, I resent that."

"Sorry," she said carelessly. She reached down and grabbed the sleeve of my jacket, and started pulling me in the direction of the parking lot.

We decided on seeing 'Jackass' because there was nothing else playing besides some melodrama, but I was seriously nervous as the first disgusting scene came on. I didn't know Isabella very well, and the last thing I needed was her freaking out and calling me a pig for laughing, but thankfully she never freaked out, and nothing seemed to offend her.

At one point I popped some popcorn in my mouth right when a scene came on where a guy was pretending to be an old man with a boner, and it was so funny that I accidentally spit out the contents of my mouth, some of which landed on Isabella's lap and I thought for sure she'd be appalled. "Ah shit, I'm sorry," I said quickly.

"You're a pig," she replied as she brushed her leg off, and then she shocked me by proceeding to wipe her hand on my shirt and she even threw some of her own kernels at my face before giggling. The woman was seriously a fascinating enigma.

After the movie, we didn't even question that we would continue to hang out; being with her just felt entirely natural. We only met a few days before, but I felt like I had known her forever. We went to dinner and then back to the hotel for the night.

"Do you want to come up to my room? We can watch another movie, or something," I asked as we got into the elevator.

"I don't know, are you going to try to seduce me?"

I smirked "Are you seducible?"

"Definitely not. So if I come to your room, I don't want any funny business. Understand?"

"Look, you're Ben's sister, I wouldn't try anything like that. You have my word."

She narrowed her eyes as she read me for sincerity, and then nodded. "What room are you in, I'll meet you there."

"Why don't you just come with me now?"

"Because I want to change first."

"Okay, room 414."

Isabella and I parted ways and after an hour I started to think she wasn't coming, but then there was a knock on the door. I wasn't sure what I thought she'd be wearing, but what she had on completely surprised me. She was wearing gray sweat pants and a black zip-up hoodie, with some chucks and her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.

She completely took my breath away.

I never understood why some women insisted on wearing androgynous clothes, but for a reason I didn't fully understand, I was so infatuated by her. The less put together she was, the more attracted to her I became, but I forced those feelings as far down as possible and reminded myself who she was. Ben definitely wouldn't want me getting involved with her, and I had to respect that.

We watched one of the 'Saw' movies, and then some kind of super hero flick, I wasn't really paying much attention. We spent most of the time making fun of the characters, and raiding the mini bar. Sometime during the middle of the third movie, I looked over at her and realized that she had fallen asleep, so I wasn't sure what to do. I could have woken her up and then walked her to her room, or I could have just let her sleep there. It was a king sized bed, so we could both sleep and never notice each other, or I could always sleep on the couch.

I laid back on a pillow and then looked over at Isabella and figured it was a completely acceptable sleeping arrangement, so I turned off the movie and fell asleep.

….

_Something changed during the summer when we were fourteen. I had a growth spurt and grew a few inches, making me actually taller than Ben for the first time since I had known him. But physical changes weren't the biggest difference in my life, the biggest change occurred in my relationship with Ben. _

_I had always been a bit girl crazy, where Ben always had other interests such as baseball, but that summer my hormones took over and all I wanted to do was go to the local pool and spy on the lifeguard. Her name was Heidi, and she had to be the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Swimming was one of the few things Ben didn't really like to do, but he went to the pool with me in the beginning because I claimed I just wanted to hang out at the snack bar, but after realizing that all I was doing was gawking at Heidi, he decided to find something else to do. _

_After a few weeks, the best thing imaginable happened to me - Heidi took notice._

"_So, were you ever planning on pretending to drown so I could rescue you?" she asked flirtatiously. _

"_No, but I think I may be having a hard time breathing and could really use some mouth to mouth."_

"_Well, how could I be a good lifeguard if I stood back and watched you suffocate?"_

"_You wouldn't be," I said with a smirk, and then Heidi planted her lips to mine and immediately buried her tongue in my mouth. It was an amazing feeling, and my teenaged dirty mind caused my shorts to become tight immediately._

"_Oh, I'm sorry, that must be painful. Let me help you out with that." And then Heidi touched me in a way that I had only ever touched myself. She pushed her hand down my pants, and started stroking. Being an untouched virgin, I didn't last long, but it was the most satisfying experience I had up to that point. _

_Heidi and I became an item after that, and it wasn't long until I lost my virginity completely. I began spending all my time with her, but it wasn't until I caught her making out with Demetri, did I realize that I had neglected my friendship with Ben for far too long._

"_Want to go see what's happening at the sandlot?" I asked after climbing trough his window one afternoon._

"_Is Heidi going to be there to cheer you on?" Ben asked irritated._

"_Nope, that bitch can go fuck herself."_

"_Okay," he said confused, but didn't ask me to elaborate on the details. It didn't matter that I hadn't been around for a few weeks; we just picked up right where we left off. _

_The summer thunder storms were particularly brutal that year, and I had yet to overcome my fear of them. I hated that I was fourteen years old and still chicken shit when it came to bad weather, but Ben never made fun of me, and no one else knew. _

_Every night, I climbed through his window and slept next to him in his small bed. I was growing rapidly, so both of us fitting in the bed was getting more and more difficult, but I'd rather be uncomfortable than sleep alone. We usually woke up completely tangled, both in the sheets, and in each other. Arms always in the other's face, and legs spread out so they overlapped each other. But it was never awkward or uncomfortable; it actually was completely normal and natural feeling. I knew we wouldn't always be able to sleep next to each other, but I didn't want to think about the day when we would have to stop. At that point, I couldn't sleep without him, and the thought was actually terrifying to me._

_But that was also the summer that my grandmother died. _

_My father was around, but never really took care of me. He was still an alcoholic and after twelve years of grieving for my dead mother, he wasn't any closer to trying to be a parent. But I didn't need anyone to take care of me, it wasn't like my grandmother ever did much, but at least my father's inadequate presence allowed me to not be forced into a foster home. _

_I basically lived at the Swan house anyway. Emmett had stopped bitching about me being there and the Chief never seemed to care. Ben and I were always together, night and day, and after my tryst ended with Heidi, I didn't care as much about girls anymore. It wasn't because I didn't like girls, because I definitely was still attracted to them, but I was always busy and didn't have time for flirting. _

_Ben and I had found a meadow up in the mountain behind his house when we were younger, and we'd often go there to hang out or just relax. Our tree house was built not far from there, but being fourteen, we didn't use it much anymore. It was just a place to escape to when we had a bad day or just wanted to leave everything else behind. There were no fronts there, no one trying to be cool, and nothing to worry about. It was the meadow where I'd escape to when my dad was showing interest in me by throwing his beer bottles my way or smacking me around a bit. Even if I'd go there alone, it was never long before Ben would show up and just let me know he was there for me. We didn't need to talk, just knowing he cared was the most important thing in the world to me._

_The following year wasn't much different. I'd go through girl obsessed phases, where I'd follow a girl around school and sometimes they'd take pity on me and give me a hand job or something, but I'd always be back with Ben at night. He seemed to be a little bitter when I ditched him for a pretty face, but he never kicked me out of his bed at night. _

_I tried to spend as little time at home as possible, but there were days when my dad would pretend to care and force me to stay home, it was on one of those nights that he got pissed at something I did, and almost killed me._

"_You, no good for nothing little shit, did you just talk back to me?" dad asked enraged. _

"_No dad, I just said that grandma never put mayonnaise on my sandwiches; I just don't like it. I told you I could make my own."_

"_Are you saying I can't take care of my kid?"_

"_No, I'm saying that I'm not a kid anymore and I can take care of myself."_

_He stared at me blankly for a minute, and then he snapped. He started by throwing a chair at me, and then he charged forward. I put up my hands defensively while he threw punches, but a couple blows still landed on my face. Then he did something he had never done before, he gripped his hands around my neck and started squeezing. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't move. My dad had a murderous hateful glare in his eyes, and I really thought he was going to kill me. I started getting light headed, and then I blacked out. _

_I had no idea how long I was unconscious for, but when I came to, I had the biggest headache that I ever had and ringing in my ears. I had never been more afraid in my life, and as soon as I knew for sure that my dad was gone, I limped over to Ben's. I didn't want to be alone, I was so afraid that my dad would come back from wherever he went and try to finish killing me, so I went the one place where I felt safe._

_Ben took one look at me, and immediately got furious. "I'm going to kill that fucker," he said aggressively. It didn't matter that I had grown bigger than him, he still acted like he had to protect me. _

"_No Ben, he's gone and I don't know when he'll get back, besides, it's just not worth it. Just let it go."_

"_I'm not going to let it go, look at you. Your face is more blue than it is white, and you can hardly walk. That man needs a taste of his own medicine, maybe I'll just tell my dad and have him arrested for child abuse."_

"_No I don't want him to go to jail. Besides, if he's gone, they'll send me away to a foster home somewhere. It's fine, I'm fine, I don't want to leave and live with strangers. Just go to sleep and forget about it."_

_Even though we always seemed to wake up tangled together, we never went to sleep that way, but that night, Ben wrapped his arms around my shaken body and held me until I fell asleep. _

…_.._

Ben's smell filled my senses as I woke up from one of the most restful nights I had in a while, but Ben wasn't there, he had been dead for over five years. It was his sister who was tangled up with me now.

Since Ben and I stopped speaking, I had never slept with anyone. My dates were always over when the sex was, and even though I had been with Tanya for a while, I refused to sleep next to her. We usually met at her place and I'd leave afterwards; I just couldn't stand the idea of being vulnerable while sleeping next to someone. But waking up with Isabella, was absolutely amazing.

I forgot how good it felt to not be alone.

We started out on opposite sides, but even in a king sized bed we managed to find our way to each other in our sleep. Her hair was all over my face and neck, and her arm was slung over my chest. One of her legs was between mine, and my arms were wrapped around her waist and under her head.

We were, of course, both fully dressed, but it was more intimate than I could remember being with someone in a long time, and I couldn't imagine a more comfortable and peaceful way to lay.

She started stirring, and when she opened her eyes, she never commented on the compromising way we were intertwined, she just simply sat up, stretched, and smiled a hello.

Absolutely mesmerizing.


	5. Ch 4 Never the Same

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 4 – _Never the Same_~

Bella's POV

"Hey," Edward said as I stretched.

"What time is it?" I asked him casually. I felt far too comfortable waking up next to him, but at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to really care either.

"Uh…nine."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah, why?"

I shrugged. "I never sleep in this late."

"Well, nine's not all that late."

"But considering that I'm still on East coast time…"

"Oh right."

And then there was a loud rumbling noise, which made Edward laugh. "Was that your stomach?"

"Yeah," I said slightly embarrassed. "So I'm going to go back to my room and shower, and then I'll meet you down at the restaurant…Say in about thirty minutes?"

"You can shower here."

"No, _you_ can shower here; I have to go back anyway to change."

"Alright, I'll see you down there," he conceded.

As I approached my room, I was suddenly accosted by the familiar smell of vanilla and Lilac.

Fuck.

"Isabella Marie Swan, you are in deep shit!"

"I don't want to hear it Alice. I'm an adult and I don't need the lecture," I said as I pushed past her to slip my key card in the slot.

I tried to shut the door behind me, but of course Alice was too quick to be shut out.

"Bella, this is ridiculous, I thought you said you were going to stay away from him?"

"Alice, it's not a big deal…"

"You said you could handle this."

"I _can_ handle this, I was just…"

"There is no way in hell I would have let you stay if I knew you'd try to pull something like this. Why aren't you saying anything?"

"I'm trying to say something, will you just shut up for a moment! Nothing happened; we were just hanging out and…"

"Hanging out is not '_staying away_' like you promised."

I gave Alice a frustrated look, so she huffed and waited for me to explain. "We just ran into each other on the mountain, and he wanted to buy me a warm drink. Look all we did was hang out, he doesn't suspect a thing."

"Bella, we just discussed this. The more time you spend around them, the more of a chance they'll figure it out. You _do_ understand why they can't know the truth, right?"

"Yes Alice, I'm not an idiot."

"If Emmett or Edward figures it out, they'll tell Charlie _who's a police officer_, and then he'll have Renee arrested."

"Hate to point out the obvious, but Emmett is a cop too," I said with a smirk, which caused Alice to grimace even more.

"Bella, this isn't funny. It's Renee's life we're talking about here."

That just pissed me off. "All I've heard for the past eight years is how we need to protect Renee, that her life depended on my keeping my mouth shut. Well what about my life, when the hell am I going to get permission to actually start living?"

"You _can_ live Bella, just not around Emmett and Edward," Alice said quietly, taken aback by my forcefulness.

"Alice, they're my family," I said softly.

"Nice, what the hell does that make me?"

"Oh, you know what I mean. You and I didn't grow up together, I love you, but Emmett and Edward…and Charlie, were everything to me growing up. I didn't ask for this, I didn't have any control over what Renee did to me, and I'm just so tired of paying for it."

"Ok, forget about Renee for a minute. How do you think Edward will react when he finds out the truth?"

"He won't find out. He completely believes our story that I'm Ben's sister, and he will continue to believe it."

"So, you want to have a relationship with him based on another lie? Bella, remember what you told me that he did when you kissed him that one time? They guy flipped a lid, and now you're messing around with him? How the hell do you think he's going to feel about that?"

"I'm not messing around with him, all we did was sleep!"

"Uh huh, isn't that how it started before?"

"Alice, they don't suspect anything. As long as I keep up pretending to be _you_, everything will be fine."

"But you're not me."

"You know what I mean. I'm pretending to be Ben's sister."

"But Bella, you're not Ben's sister and neither am I, because Ben _never_ existed."

"No, you're right. Ben was someone who was born out of an insane woman's mind, and I'll be affected by it for the rest of my life."

"She only did it to protect you."

"Protect me from what? There was no one after me, there was no one after her, it was all in her head. You're just lucky that she was with your father long enough for him to know you were a girl. She left Charlie long before I was born so he had no way of knowing. And now here I am, never able to tell my family the truth because Renee is schizophrenic."

"Regardless of her sanity, Renee did it because she thought she was protecting you. She thought someone was after her and they wouldn't stop until you were dead."

"So she cut off her seven year old daughter's hair, and dressed her like a boy, and sent her to live with a father she never met? How was that protecting me? Do you know how hard it was for me in the beginning. I was even more girly than you were. I not only had to come up with excuses for getting out of doctor's visits and everything else that would expose me, but I also had to figure out what it meant to be a boy. Thank god Edward was a withdrawn kid with no other friends; otherwise, he would have known I wasn't right from the beginning. Alice, I just want to spend some time with them, make sure they're okay. You have no idea the kind of trouble Edward always got himself into."

Alice looked like she was about to have an aneurism as she considered everything I was saying. "You're right. You should take this time to make peace with everything. And then you'll go back to Florida, and everything will be fine." I bit my bottom lip nervously. "Oh, Bella. No. Please tell me you aren't planning to…"

"Accept the job in Seattle? Yes."

"Bella, what the hell are you thinking?"

"You know I love Washington, and I just want to be close enough to my brother and Edward, so if anything were to happen, I could…."

"You could what? Say '_hey guys, it's me Ben, except I'm a girl and always have been'_…You don't love Washington, you love the fact that the weather sucks and Edward always used to get scared and crawl into bed with you. You've been in love with that guy since you knew what love was. Bella, moving there will do nothing but end up hurting everyone. If you keep to your word and force yourself to stay away from him, it'll just hurt you; if you cave and allow yourself to fall into a deeper relationship, he will eventually find out, then we all get hurt. Mom will go to jail, Edward and Emmett will hate you, and Jasper will end it with me because I never told the truth to his best friends. We're all connected now, and if I have to, I will end things with Jasper right now and move back to Florida to protect mom."

"You love Jasper; you can't break up with him."

"And you love Edward…and Emmett for that matter. Everyone has to sacrifice sometimes, and you've done it most in your life, so I guess now it's my turn."

"Fine, break up with Jasper, but it won't matter because I'm still moving to Washington."

"Bella," she whined.

"Alice, you are my sister, and I love you, but I'm not going to sit back and do as I'm told anymore. I understand what you're saying, and I'm going to try like hell to make sure none of that happens. I'm going to keep it casual, maybe go to lunch with them every once in a while. Just being in the same state, will be so much of a relief for me, you have no idea."

"And what are you going to do when Emmett and Rose get married. I'm sure you'll be invited, and Charlie will definitely be there. Emmett and I were really young when we lived together before you were born, so I didn't remember him, but Charlie will sure as hell remember the fact that Ben's sister was named 'Alice' not 'Isabella'. He'll recognize you, and it'll end very badly."

"Don't you think I want nothing more than to see my dad again? But I'm not an idiot; I know that can never happen. I'll just make up an excuse as to why I can't go. I'll go to Jacksonville that weekend, or something."

"I don't like this Bella."

"I know, but you love me and you're going to support my decision."

Alice stared at me for a long moment, and then she shook her head. "Well, I guess your fashion sense is better suited for Washington weather. Being so covered up all the time was appalling in Florida."

"You know I'm just not entirely comfortable exposing myself. I'm still adjusting to life as a woman and having cleavage out for everyone to see is far beyond my comfort level."

Alice huffed. "You're going to have to dress like the woman you are sooner or later…besides, you don't have much cleavage, you definitely inherited mom's small breasts. I'm just lucky I took after my dad's side of the family," she said smugly.

"Right, because B cups are so large."

"I'm almost a C."

"Well, I have to get in the shower. I'm meeting Edward for brunch."

"Bella!" she scolded me, but we both knew I was going to do it anyway.

Edward and I always got along so easily, our personalities just meshed and complimented each other perfectly. We spent another full day together, and when I found myself waking up tangled with him for a second day in a row, I realized that I could never again keep my distance the way I had promised Alice. It was like we were magnets, it didn't matter how far apart we were when we fell asleep, we always seemed to be clinging to each other by morning. It was our subconscious telling us that we needed to be close, it was more than a desire, it was a simple basic need, as necessary as water.

But I had to remain in control.

I had lived as a boy for so long, that I never really found any attraction in them. Pretending to be interested in girls didn't last for long, so I spent most of that time focusing on stuff I could control, like being the pitcher when we played baseball. Females tend to often grow faster than males, so at twelve, I was taller than most of the boys around. But that was also the year I could have really used a sane mother.

My breasts started developing and though they weren't large, they were still noticeable under my shirt. Up until that point, I still went swimming like all the other boys, topless; but after that, I had to tape my breasts down, thus ending my swimming pastime.

I got my period later that year as well, which freaked the hell out of me. I didn't grow up with a woman who could describe what was happening to me, and I had no one to talk to whatsoever. The internet wasn't what it is today, and the boys and girls separated during Sex Ed, so I only learned about testicles dropping, and wet dreams.

Being in a small town also didn't help. I couldn't even go down the feminine product row at the store without half the place knowing. I didn't have a sister or mother in the house to blame for the reason being in that aisle either. I usually just stole tampons at the liquor store when Waylon wasn't watching. As long as I went in there when other teens were close by, Waylon always concentrated on making sure they weren't stealing, that he never paid attention to me. It was risky, but I was grateful to never get caught.

Figuring out how to insert a tampon was a whole other challenge, but eventually I figured it out.

But somewhere between thirteen and fourteen years old, the boys started catching up to me and I became one of the smallest on the sandlot. Of course, I had already known most of the kids for years, and I had always been one of the toughest around, so they didn't harass me too much when they grew bigger than me. That, and everyone was scared to death of pissing off Emmett.

I had learned over the years that kids were extremely adaptable and resilient, but adults weren't so much. Becoming a woman after living as a boy for so long was more than a little difficult. I wasn't gay or a transsexual, I was simply a victim of an insane woman. I didn't choose or want to pretend to be a boy, but I seriously believed my mother when she told me that people were out to get us, and the only way to keep me safe was by 'hiding me in plain sight', as she described it, and forcing me to become a boy. I didn't really understand it, but she was my mother, and I trusted her.

...

"_Please, no mommy," I cried when she took the scissors to my long wavy locks. To a seven year old girl, there wasn't much more important in life than her long hair and other pretty things. I loved all things frilly and pink, and when I saw my mother's shopping cart full of blue and other boy stuff, I about had a nervous breakdown. _

"_Bella, you listen to me," she said as she brushed my cut hair off my shoulders. "We are survivors, and we will do whatever it takes to get by in this world. Alice is going to live with her dad, and so are you. But the bad men don't want Alice, they want you, so that's why we have to pretend you're a boy. It'll only be for a few months, and your hair grows really fast. Before you know it, you'll have even longer hair than you did before."_

"_Promise?"_

"_Promise. Besides, this will be a good thing. Your dad has another son, and he wouldn't know what to do with a daughter anyway. Boys are safer, and you'll be fine."_

_But I wasn't with my dad for a few months; I was with him for eight years. Sometimes I would forget I was really a girl. I just got so lost in trying to survive in the life I was forced into, that I had a hard time remembering who I really was. _

_Overtime, I found myself watching Edward while he slept next to me. He was truly an amazing person. Everything about him was absolutely perfect, from the way his features were precisely proportioned on his face, to even the way he walked. I always loved Edward, and I told myself that it was the same love I had for Emmett, but I was only lying to myself as much as I was lying to him. _

_Every day it grew. It built up inside of me for so long, and though I kept it capped up tightly, it eventually exploded anyway. _

_Edward had once again, decided to ditch me while he explored his sexual awakening, and we hadn't spent time together for a while, except at night when he'd climb through the window. I had been spending most of my free time in the meadow, waiting for Edward to get over his latest crush, when he unexpectedly showed up there._

"_Hey, is everything okay?" I asked concerned by the solemn look on his face._

_He shook his head. "My dad's sick. He just found out this afternoon that he has lung cancer."_

_I had a mix of feelings as Edward spoke. On one hand, I absolutely hated the man and thought he deserved a fate worse than death, but on the other, he was Edward's only family and I had no idea what would happen to him if his father died._

"_Are you okay," I asked quietly._

"_Yeah, I just don't know how to feel right now."_

"_Yeah, I understand that."_

_I watched my best friend as he struggled with his emotions, and my heart just ached for him. I wanted to make his pain go away, I wanted to protect him the way I always had in the past. I always had an intense need to take care of Edward, and in that moment, nothing else mattered. I wrapped my arms around him, and just held him as he cried silently to himself. _

_When his crying slowed, I pressed my forehead to his and just watched his face calm. I didn't plan on doing it, I never made a conscious decision to kiss him, but I soon found my lips on his. I could have sworn that for a brief moment, he kissed me back, but that was probably just wishful thinking because the next thing I knew, I was on my ass in front of him. I didn't feel him push me, but it was obvious that was exactly what happened._

_I knew Edward wasn't gay, but neither was I. It was a moment of weakness, a moment of exploded pent up pressure. A moment that caused me to lose everything that was important to me._

"_Edward, I'm sorry. I have no idea why I did that."_

"_Fuck you, you fucking fag. Stay the hell away from me, you make me sick. Why the fuck would you ever think I would want to do that? If you ever come near me again, I'll fucking kill you!"_

_Edward turned and ran off so quickly that I didn't have time to explain, not that I would have been able to explain anyway. _

_The following few months were pure torture. Edward actually started hanging out with James and his gang, and when they weren't bulling me and other rejects at the school, they were off getting wasted. I tried to talk to Edward a few times, but he refused to listen to a word I had to say, but I really didn't blame him. What I did was inexcusable, and I knew there was no way to get back what we lost in that moment. I only worried that I had not only ruined our friendship, but he was completely throwing his life away on drugs and alcohol because of me._

_I had kept in touch with Alice over the years, and I was grateful to have her, because she was the voice of reason in my life, even if that 'voice' came in the form of letters. I wrote to her and told her everything that happened, and soon after that, she sent me a bus ticket to come live with her. She was an adult by that time, but I told my dad I was going back with my mom so he couldn't really stop me. Renee still technically had custody of me, and Charlie had to abide by the law. _

_Upon arriving at Alice's house, she immediately took me shopping and burned all my 'boy' clothes. She bought me tight dresses and took me to the salon to try to make my short hair look more feminine, but it was difficult. I felt so uncomfortable being so exposed, so Alice and I compromised with feminine clothes, that were sure to cover me completely. She saved the dresses though, saying I'd warm up to them, which I never seemed to do._

_Alice had set me up on dates over the years, but it was strange for me. I spent so long suppressing my attraction to boys, and the fact that I knew how truly disgusting they really were, made it practically impossible to see any appeal in them at all. But the feeling of Edward's lips on mine haunted me, and I would have been too scared to kiss anyone else even if I wanted to, which I certainly didn't._

Seeing my brother with Rose after so long was completely terrifying, and amazing at the same time. I had to think quickly because Emmett obviously recognized me, so I told him that I was Ben's sister. Alice shot me a horrified look, but she caught on to what was going on fast enough, and kept her mouth shut. I really blamed her for the impromptu reunion, because she should have realized that her best friend was dating my brother.

Alice had moved to Washington with her boyfriend at the time, and though the relationship didn't last, she just loved everyone there and her current job, so she stayed.

I had stayed in Jacksonville to be closer to my mother. She was constantly in and out of mental hospitals, and though a part of me hated her for what she did to me, she was still my mother, and I'd always love her. But Renee just seemed to get worse and worse, and I had to put her into a more permanent facility. For the first time in eight years, I was free to live for myself, and when Edward walked up to our table at the resort, I saw it as a sign. I spent all our time apart worrying about him, and this would be my chance to really make sure he was okay. I knew he'd never love me the way I loved him, but I needed to know he was happy.


	6. Ch 5 God & Cleanliness

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 5 – _God and_ _Cleanliness _~

EPOV

"So?"

"So, what?" I asked annoyed.

"So, we're going home today, have you managed to completely piss off Bella yet?" Emmett asked with a mix of amusement and resentment.

"Who the hell is Bella?"

He grimaced. "You know, Isabella."

"Oh. Why the hell are you calling her Bella all of a sudden?"

Emmett shrugged. "That's what Rose calls her, so I figured that's what she likes to be called. So have you fucked her, and how much therapy is she going to need after you part ways?"

"You're an ass, I'm not that bad."

Emmett cleared his throat and then held up his fist. "Rebecca, therapy," he put up a finger. "Simone, therapy," he put up another finger. "Veronica, Rachel, Chelsea, Abby, Kelly, Kristen…and of course, Tanya. That's…" he counted all the fingers he put up representing each woman. "Nine. Please don't tell me that Bella will round it out to ten."

"I did not force nine women into therapy," I said annoyed.

"You're right, it was probably more; those are just the ones I know of."

"Whatever Emmett. If that's true than you only have yourself to blame; you are my role model, you know."

"Don't put that shit on me; you are far worse than I ever was."

"Don't worry about it Em, Isabella…or Bella, whatever, won't be number ten. I promised that I wouldn't cross that line, and I didn't. Besides, like you said, we're all leaving today, and I'll probably never see her again." As I spoke the words, my stomach actually tied itself in knots. I had no idea how I managed to become so attached to her in such a short amount of time, but the idea of never seeing her again was gut wrenching and actually made me feel sick. _What the fuck is wrong with me?_

I packed up my bag and headed down to the lobby to check out.

"How the hell did you rack up a four hundred dollar charge on top of the cost for the room?" Jasper said from behind me.

"Oh hey. I don't know, I guess stuff just adds up."

Jasper grabbed my receipt. "Eight movies, ten mini-bar drinks, sixteen candy bars…"

"Yeah, I know what I took," I said irritated. "What the fuck do you care anyway?"

"I don't, I guess it's just a good thing you make a decent living. I barely was able to cover cost the room and the week's worth of lift passes."

"That's what you get for being a high school teacher. How the hell do you manage all those teenage mood swings, anyway?"

"Very calmly," he said with a chuckle.

"Hi babe, are you all ready?" Alice asked while standing on her tip toes to wrap her arms around Jasper's neck.

"Just a minute, babe."

"Oh, I get it. We flew here separate from the women so you could con me, and now we're all flying back together? What was the fucking point?" I asked bitterly.

"Damn man; are you PMSing, or what?" Emmett said as he walked in with his and Rose's bags in hand.

"Nah, I'm just upset because my two douche bags of best friends swindled me into coming here in the first place."

"You didn't seem all that angry when you were cuddling up to Bella all week," Alice said with a sour edge to her voice. I was taken aback by Alice's tone. She was always the nicest out of Rose's friends, so her sudden hostility wasn't something I expected.

"What got your panties in a bunch?" I asked her.

"Just so we're clear. If you ever hurt Bella again, I'll kill you myself."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked confused. I never hurt Isabella, so why would she say the word 'again' in her threat?

"Just remember that," Alice said cryptically.

I just shook my head and shrugged it off. I rarely understood what women talked about, and I really didn't care enough to try either.

"Is Isabella coming down soon?" I asked anxiously knowing our shuttle was about to pick us up for the airport.

"She left this morning after breakfast," Alice informed me.

"What?" I asked incredulously as my stomach felt like it leapt into my throat.

"Her flight to Florida was earlier than our flight to Washington."

For a brief moment, I seriously considered changing my flight to go to Florida, just to say a proper goodbye and make sure she had my contact information, but then I pushed that idea away quickly. I hardly knew her, so why was I having such a difficult time letting her go?

When I finally got back home, I threw myself into work. I was excellent at my job so I prepared enough ahead of time that there wasn't much catch-up for me to do, but I just had to keep myself busy. A couple of my old college buddies were having a big party, so I decided to go and hopefully distract myself further by getting laid.

I was charming my way into a gorgeous blonde's apartment, when Isabella's face suddenly popped into my mind, and for the life of me, I couldn't get rid of it. Every time I tried to shoot the chick one of my alluring expressions, I'd think about Isabella and I was positive my face read anything but sexy.

"Are you okay?" the woman whose name I didn't care to remember asked.

"Yeah, you know, I'm actually not feeling well. But it was nice to meet you," I said before promptly leaving the party.

Perhaps I was the one who needed therapy.

I had spent three nights sleeping next to Isabella while on vacation, and since then, I felt just as lonely as I did when I stopped sneaking into Ben's house at night. Three nights was all it took for me to become addicted to having someone lying next to me while I slept again.

It had been three weeks since our ski trip, and I had only been able to force myself to sleep less than a third of those nights, and only with the help of a sleep aid pill. I was beginning to become dependent on them, and it was starting to freak the hell out of me. Tanya finally called again so I invited her over for some make up sex, but I barely managed to get through it before completely losing all my desire. Afterwards, Tanya laid in my bed and pretended to fall asleep. I knew she wasn't really sleeping; it was just a tactic she was using to try to get me to allow her to sleep over.

I thought about how good it felt to sleep next to someone, so I laid down and watched Tanya for a few moments, before closing my own eyes.

But I couldn't sleep.

Tanya kept making a strange whistling noise out of her nose, and it was completely driving me mad. I got up and went to one of the spare rooms to sleep, but I just kept thinking about that harpy sleeping in my bed, and it just made me sick. So yeah, I did the asshole thing and woke her up to tell her to leave. She was pissed, but I didn't care. I immediately stripped the bed and threw the sheets in the garbage. Maybe it was a little drastic, but I didn't think Tanya's smell would fully come out in the wash.

I knew in that moment, that I was finally and completely done with Tanya. The very thought of her disgusted me, and I had no idea why I kept her around so long.

A few days later something entirely unexpected happened, I met the woman of my dreams. Her name was Gianna, and she was absolutely perfect. Long blonde hair, a slender waist with round hips and large breasts. But more importantly, Gianna had something that most of the other women I dated didn't, she was very intelligent. She worked for a company doing business with my advertising firm, which meant we'd be working closely for a few weeks at least.

I was completely smitten with her after our first date. She was funny, and got along amazingly with my friends, the sex was great, and she never complained about anything. Where the hell had that woman been my whole life?

I saw how happy Emmett and Jasper were in their relationships, and I could definitely picture myself in a real committed relationship for the first time, just like them.

_But I still couldn't bring myself to sleep next to her._

We had been together for a little over a month, when my life took another unexpected turn.

I was taking my lunch break, when I noticed someone in the café line a few people ahead of me.

"Excuse me," I said to the lady I cut in front of so I could get closer to the person who I recognized. "Isabella?"

"Edward, hey," she said casually as if she wasn't at all surprised to see me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked then curiously wondered why the hell there were butterflies fighting their way to break free from my chest.

"Oh, well I decided to take a job here," she said casually.

"Wait, you've been living here for a while and you never contacted me?" I asked, as if the idea was unfathomable.

She laughed once humorlessly. "I wasn't aware that I was supposed to contact you. I mean we had fun at the resort, but it's not like we're friends or anything."

"We're not?" I asked surprised.

"Well, I mean, we don't really know each other very well, and I didn't want to be one of those stalker chicks that started calling you all the time."

"I would have still liked to know you were living here now. Where exactly are you living?"

"Uh, with Alice. My job doesn't exactly pay a lot, so I just need to save some extra money before I can get a place of my own."

Isabella and I got our food and then sat at a table together. It was almost surreal having her there, because I managed to convince myself that the intense connection I had felt for her was all just made up in my mind. It wasn't possible to feel so strongly for someone after three days, but the feelings came back with jolt and nearly knocked the wind out of me.

But she was Ben's sister, and I was happy with my girlfriend.

"Doesn't Alice live in a studio?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, isn't it kind of crowded there between the two of you?"

"It's only temporary, besides Alice spends most of her time at Jasper's."

"But where do you keep all your stuff? I'm sure you don't have a closet there, or even a dresser."

She smirked. "No, I live out of my suitcase, but it's fine, really."

I shook my head. "No, it's not fine. Why don't you come stay with me? I have a big three bedroom condo, and two of those bedrooms I never even go into." _What the hell did I just ask her? _

"No, I could never impose on you like that."

"You wouldn't be imposing. I work long hours, and I'm basically only home to sleep, so the place is empty most of the time anyway. You'd actually be doing me a favor, because I could really use someone to water the plants."

"Water the plants?" she asked with a giggle.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

"You just don't strike me as the type to have house plants."

"My decorator put them in; I had nothing to do with it."

"You have a decorator?"

"No…yeah…well, I bought the place and the decorator was part of the closing deal. What the hell do I know about decorating a condo?" - _What the fuck was I talking about?_ You know you're an idiot when you can't even figure out what the hell was coming out of your own mouth.

"I think having a woman's things all over may cramp your bachelor pad style," she said with a smirk.

Having her girly stuff around would definitely not be desirable. I liked my shit, and I didn't want anyone coming in and adding stuff. So why the hell was I adamantly trying to get her to agree to it? "Like you said, it's only temporary, right? A few months at my place would be much easier than a few months with Alice."

"She's really not going to like this," Isabella said quietly.

"What the hell does she care? She's your friend, not your mother," I said annoyed. Ever since the week at the ski resort, Alice had seriously become a pain in my ass. I always liked her before, but she was really starting to bug the shit out of me.

"She's just very protective of me and has a hard time accepting that I'm an adult."

I couldn't argue with that, Emmett was the same way with me.

"Forget about Alice for a minute, what do _you_ want to do?"

She stared at me for a few long moments, and then she bit her bottom lip in the cutest way, and nodded. "Alright, but we're both probably going to regret it."

I smirked triumphantly. "I highly doubt that."

"Okay…well, when should I move in?"

"Today. Right now if you want," I said a little too eagerly.

"Don't you have to work? I thought you were only on your lunch break."

"Oh yeah. What time do you get off work?"

"Five-ish."

"Okay, I'll meet you at Alice's place around then."

"Can't wait," she said, and then she turned away to try to hide her blush. I had never seen a color more subtly beautiful than the shade that painted her cheeks. Everything about her was subtly beautiful though, and completely mesmerizing.

She said bye and headed for the door, but then something occurred to me so I called out to stop her. "Wait, Isabella!"

"What?"

"We should probably have each other's contact information."

"Oh, right." We both pulled out our phones and traded so we could each put our numbers in the other's phones. We traded back and said goodbye again. "Oh, by the way, I prefer to be called Bella."

"Oh, I forgot. Emmett mentioned something about that, sorry."

After Isabella was gone, I realized how much shit I was actually in. What the hell was I thinking? I refused to let my girlfriend spend the night at my place, but I invited another girl who I hardly knew to live with me? I seriously needed to get my head examined.

I searched through my contact list and fully intended to call Isabella and say I made a mistake, but I just couldn't do it. In truth, I really didn't want anything more. I had only spent three nights with her, and I already missed her more than I had missed anyone in a long time. The thought of having her sleep next to me again was so desirable that it was hard to think straight at all. Of course things were different now, I had a girlfriend, and I was sure she wouldn't appreciate me sleeping with another girl, even if it was just 'sleeping', but I still couldn't get myself to take back the offer.

I decided to take the rest of the afternoon off and rush home to make sure everything was picked up. Not surprisingly, the place was nowhere near picked up. I was a slob, so much so that the place kind of smelled. I never really noticed the stench before, but now that I was focused on it the smell was pretty bad. I had dirty laundry all over the place, rotting dishes in the sink, and I didn't even want to think about the bathroom.

I quickly searched the phone book and called two cleaning companies before a third was finally able to send a crew out right away. It took four people three hours to get my condo presentable, but I had to have my laundry sent out to a cleaner; there was no way I could get all that cleaned in time. It was nearing five, and I had one last thing to take care of before I went to help Isabella with her things…I had to go tell Gianna.

"What do you mean you're having a woman move in with you?" she asked, visibly upset.

"Gia, I'm just trying to help her out, it's really not a big deal."

"Not a big deal? I haven't even seen your place, and you just invite a stranger to stay indefinitely? I don't get it, I just thought you were a slob or something, and that's why you wouldn't let me go over there. Do you want to end things with me and just don't know how?"

"No, no," I said softly. "Look, I never told you about my friend that died. His name was Ben, he meant a lot to me, and Isabella is his sister. I can't just leave her homeless. There is nothing going on, and even if I wasn't with you, I'd still never get involved with her. I couldn't do that to Ben."

I was so horrible to Ben the last few months that he lived in Forks, that I owed it to him to take care of his sister, and that was the main reason why I was doing it….at least that's what I told myself.

Gianna didn't like it, but she wasn't the type to try to stop me from doing what I wanted either. Alice, on the other hand, was a different story.

When I arrived at her apartment, she opened the door and immediately glared at me.

"Relax honey," Jasper said as he came out from behind her. "Hey man," he said and put out his fist for me to bump.

"It's good to see you too, Alice," I said with a falsely friendly smile.

There were about five medium sized boxes in the middle of the room, and Isabella walked into view carrying one more. It was a big box, so I rushed over to grab it from her; she looked insulted by the gesture, but then forced a smile and let me take it.

"Is this all you have?" I asked surprised.

"I travel light," she said indifferently.

"Cool," I said, and carried the box to the parking garage. On my way back up, I grabbed a cart so I could get the rest in one trip. I borrowed my friend's catering van, so we were able to move everything in one swoop. Alice spent the whole time sulking, but I really didn't care enough to ask what her problem was. Jasper helped me with the boxes and seemed perfectly fine with me taking in Isabella, so I really didn't dwell on Alice.

"Wow, this is really…nice," Isabella said as she stepped into my condo for the first time. "Yeah, I like it, especially when it's clean."

"Is it ever _not_ clean?" she asked amused.

"Well, I'm not the neatest person in the world."

"Really? I really thought you were one of those obsessively clean freaks."

"Nah…I guess I used to be, but I sort of lost interest in keeping everything clean."

"What caused that?"

I shook my head, "long story."

….

"_Fuck Ben, you're room is always a mess," I said frustrated as I tried to find my sock. _

"_Not everyone is anal when it comes to keeping things picked up," Ben said nonchalantly. _

"_Yeah, but this is disgusting. When was the last time you did laundry?"_

"_I don't know, when was the last time _you_ did laundry?"_

"_Yesterday," I said quickly._

"_How? I thought you said your washing machine was broken."_

"_I'd rather wash everything by hand, then wear dirty clothes."_

"_Don't be such a pussy," Ben teased._

"_Fuck you, don't be a fucking dick."_

_My grandmother was so anal retentive, that I became obsessively clean just to keep her from going insane. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness," she'd always say._

_My father was always leaving beer bottles and trash around, and I'd always walk two steps behind him to make sure I picked up everything he left behind. Even after my grandmother died, I still found myself insisting on everything being spotless. I stayed that way for years, until the day my world imploded._

"_Hey Edward, how are you doing?" Emmett showed up at my house unexpectedly. I hadn't talked to him in over a year, and I had no idea why the hell he'd come by my place._

"_What the fuck do you want?" I spat. I had been hanging out with James far too long, and he wasn't the best role model for anyone._

"_Look, I don't particularly like you either, but Ben would have wanted me to come here and tell you this in person."_

"_I don't give a shit what that loser wants," I said bitterly._

_Emmett abruptly grabbed the collar of my shirt, and threw me into the wall of my house. "You listen to me you little shit!" He was so angry that he was absolutely trembling. "I don't know what happened between you and my brother, and quite frankly, I don't give a fuck, but he cared about you and that is the only reason why I'm here…" Emmett let me go slowly and stepped back before rubbing his face with his hands. "He's dead."_

"_What?" I asked confused. Emmett's last words were only a whisper, and though I heard him perfectly clear, I still had no idea what he said._

"_Ben, he's dead," Emmett said a little louder._

_I just stared at the guy in utter shock. What the fuck was he playing?_

"_Did you hear me, MY BROTHER IS DEAD!" he yelled and then he broke down sobbing at the base of my door. _

_I shook my head, refusing to believe it. "No, NO!" I said angrily. "Fuck you. Who the hell do you think you are coming here and telling me shit like that?"_

"_I'm not lying Ed, believe me, I wish I were," he said brokenly. "His mom called Pops and told him that Ben died a few days ago in a car accident. He's so upset that he can't even get out of bed. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this. How the hell am I supposed to comfort my father right now, when I can't even think through it myself?"_

_I had never felt that level of pain before, and I knew I never would again. I was still so bitter about what happened between us that I refused to miss him, even though missing him was the strongest emotions I ever experienced._

_But this was different, this was like losing my soul. Perhaps it was my punishment for the way I treated him. Perhaps I sold my soul to the devil when I became friends with James, and now Satan was there to collect. A major part of me died that day, and I knew there was no way I could become whole again, because he was the other half of my soul. _

_Nothing else mattered after that. My obsession with cleanliness seemed ridiculous, my college classes I had been taking were just a waste of time, and I refused to do anything except get high._

_My lowest point was when I was caught buying drugs from an undercover officer. The worst part was the disappointed look on Charlie's face when he visited me in jail._

"_Do you know what pisses me off the most," Charlie said without any form of hello. "You have your whole life ahead of you, and this is how you're choosing to live it. Ben's gone, he can't finish college, he can't get a job, and he'll never know what it's like to have a family of his own. You still have all that ahead of you, don't waste it, son."_

_I listened to Charlie's words, but I refused to actually hear them. I was in too much pain to stop the self-destructive path I was on. It wasn't until months later that I was forced to clean up my act. I had just taken a hit of coke up my nose at a house party, when Emmett came busting through the crowd and grabbed me forcefully. He didn't speak, he just pulled me out the door and threw me into his car. _

"_What the fuck are you doing?" I asked with slurred words._

"_I'm not going to sit back and watch you kill yourself anymore. Ben loved you, and I loved Ben, so I'm going to make damn sure that you clean yourself up."_

_Emmett took me to his apartment in the city, and locked me inside. He changed the locks so they couldn't be opened without a key, and he wore that key around his neck at all times. I stayed locked in that fucking apartment for three weeks while I detoxed, cursed god, and tried to come to terms with my loss. I yelled and screamed, threw chairs and tried to break the window. The pain was so intense that I didn't know how to contain it without the drugs; I couldn't think around it, it just festered and grew until it had nowhere else to go, so it slowly numbed._

_Eventually I realized my pain, and accepted it. I knew every wrong word I had said, and knew I could never take it back. But killing myself over it was not honoring him, and I knew he wouldn't want me to live my life that way. I decided then to embrace my memories of my best friend; he was the most important person who I was ever blessed enough to know, and there would never be anyone else like him. I was so grateful that Emmett found a way to save me, but we both knew the truth. He didn't do it for me, and I didn't get better for him. We did it for Ben, and from then on, we relied on each other to fill that role that could never really be filled._

_I finished college, got a great job….but I was never a clean freak again._


	7. Ch 6 Everything Ends

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 6 – _Everything Ends_~

EPOV

"You sure you know what you're getting yourself into here?" Emmett asked Isabella. I ordered a couple pizzas and everyone came over to help Isabella get settled in, but Emmett's question made me regret it and I suddenly wished they'd all leave.

"Yeah, he seems pretty harmless," she said with a strangely knowing smirk.

"He's definitely not 'harmless'," Emmett disagreed.

"We'll be fine," she insisted.

"Now, you know that you can call me at anytime and I'll come and bring you back to my place, right?" Alice asked Isabella with a piercing stare, as if there was much more to the question than what it seemed.

"Alice, I'll be fine," Isabella said with the same intensity. I watched curiously as the two women had a whole other conversation just below the surface of their words, as if they were speaking telepathically or something. It was annoying, and yet extremely fascinating at the same time, but for some reason, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. I wished I knew Isabella's mind as much as Alice seemed to, which was illogical and once again had me questioning my sanity.

Alice hugged Isabella tightly and almost too long, before reluctantly pulling away and leaving quickly. I looked at Jasper confused, but he seemed just as clueless as I was. He followed her out, and then Rose and Emmett left too.

The silence in the room was incredibly loud as Isabella and I just stared at each other awkwardly for a minute…and then we both started laughing, melting away any uncomfortable feelings that were left between us. Being around her was easy, peaceful in a way, and completely natural. I wondered if everyone felt at ease around her right away, or if perhaps we were just bonded because of our mutual love for Ben.

"So, whatcha wanna do now?" I asked as we picked up the last of the pizza and put in the fridge.

"I don't know, what do you usually do on a Wednesday night?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Party, drink till I pass out, watch Willy Wonka while getting high…" I noticed the disturbed expression on her face, so I laughed. "Isabella, I'm kidding."

"Oh…no, I know," she said as that rose color returned to her cheeks.

"I wouldn't do that crap….I only get high on the weekends."

Her face looked horrified, so I started laughing again. "I'm kidding," I repeated.

We settled for watching Jeopardy and talking about our jobs and other monotonous topics, but no matter how mundane the subject was, I was utterly fascinated by everything she had to say, although, I would often find myself hypnotized by the shape her mouth would make on certain words. I had never seen anything like it; her soft lips were full and naturally pink without a hint of lipstick, and watching them part so she could form words, caused a strange aching feeling deep inside my chest. I reflexively leaned closer to her, as if to get a better look, which caused her to abruptly stop speaking. My face was just inches away from hers, and I vaguely noticed her breathing speed up…..but then the phone rang.

I shook my head slightly to wake myself from the odd trance, and went to go answer it.

"Hey, how'd the move go?" Gianna asked me.

"Oh, fine. Jazz and Em came to help with the boxes and whatnot, so it went pretty fast."

"So, when do I get to meet her?"

"Uh…" I looked over at Isabella and she was obviously trying not to be nosy, so she was flipping through the channels on the TV. "I don't know, she's still unpacking everything right now, but maybe in a couple days, or so."

What the fuck was wrong with me? It was plenty early enough for Gianna to come over, and Isabella was _not_ still unpacking, but for some reason, I just really wasn't in the mood to be with Gianna. I was relaxing, and I didn't want to have to put on my boyfriend mask at the moment.

"Ok then, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Great, talk to you then."

I hung up the phone and went back to sit on the couch.

"I'm sure she must hate me living here?" Isabella said unexpectedly.

"Who?" I asked, stupidly clueless.

"Your girlfriend."

"Oh…well, she's cool with it. How did you know that was my girlfriend?"

"Well, Alice mentioned that you were seeing someone, and it's understandable that she wouldn't really like this situation, so I would think it would be stranger if she didn't call."

"You don't think it's a little overbearing and possessive?" I asked, honestly curious. I was still new at actual relationships, so having a female's perspective on the matter would actually be beneficial.

"I don't have the best history when it comes to romance, but it seems perfectly fair to be concerned about one's significant other living so closely with someone else."

"Yeah, I guess I could see that. But she has nothing to worry about, I mean, it's not like we're going to sleep together..._right?_" I asked as if it were a serious question.

She stared at me for a moment, and then smirked before busting out laughing. I knew what she was laughing at right away, my question could have been taken two ways. One, 'sleep' as in sex, and two 'sleep' as in _sleeping_ like we did at the resort. But thinking about it, I actually wasn't sure which one I meant at that moment, I didn't even know if it was a joke or not, she was laughing however, so I just played it off as if it were certainly a joke.

"Yeah, 'cuz I'm sure all women love the idea of their men taking other women to bed," she said while laughing.

"Eh, some are probably into it," I said and couldn't help but laugh too. Isabella and I seemed to be doing a lot of laughing together.

It got late, so we went our separate ways into our own rooms. I laid in bed, and couldn't think about anything other than the fact that Isabella was lying in the next room. I wanted to go lay next to her, I wanted to fall asleep on the opposite side of the bed, only to wake up tangled with her again. I wanted it so bad, but for the life of me I couldn't bring myself to take the risk, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I had a girlfriend.

The next day, we both woke up around the same time, as if we were perfectly in-sync, which was odd, but seemed normal at the same time. I usually got breakfast at the cart outside the building, but she quickly made omelets and bacon, and we laughed through breakfast at the stupidest things.

For the first time since I started working, I actually wished I had the day off. I could have sat at the kitchen table with Isabella all day and never gotten bored. But we wouldn't be separated for long; on my lunch break, I was pleasantly surprised to see her waiting for me as I exited.

"Hey," I said, probably way more excited to see her than I should have been.

"I thought we could get some lunch?"

"Yeah, good timing."

"Well, I called your secretary to see what time you get off."

"Really?"

"No, I'm fucking with you," she laughed. "I actually work close by, so I thought I'd take my chances."

"Where do you work?"

"In the Berkshire building down the street."

"Cool. Okay, so where do you want to go?"

"You know, I really feel like a hotdog, there's a stand at the park over there."

"You want a _hotdog_?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah…Do you not like hotdogs?" she asked confused.

"I love them, but I haven't found many women who will admit to liking them too, and I've never seen one actually eat one."

"What? Have you never been to a baseball game? You should see Alice down a hotdog, she can eat two jumbo ones."

"Little Alice can eat two?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh yeah. That woman is really a three hundred pound man in disguise."

I nodded, "I can see that."

We walked to the park and I told her to order first.

"Uh, two hotdogs please," she said. I wasn't expecting her to order mine too, but I guessed it didn't really matter. I pulled out my wallet, but she was faster and handed the man a ten.

"I got it," I said quickly. I made like five times more money than her, so there was no way I'd allow her to pay for my food.

"No, just buy your own, I got these."

Huh?

"Both of those are for you?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you thought I got one for you; I just assumed you'd get your own."

"No, its fine, I'm just surprised that you can even eat two."

"Well, I _can _eat two, but one's not for me."

"Who is it for?"

She smiled and then I watched as she walked over to a homeless man down the path. She handed him the hotdog, and he smiled graciously and patted her hand as a thank-you. Isabella nodded and then she waved and walked back over to me.

I must have had a dumbfounded expression on my face, because she looked at me a little warily. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"What made you think to do something like that?"

"Oh, that's Alistair; I get him a hot dog every time I come here."

The whole thing made me feel like shit. Isabella didn't make much money, and yet she always thought about buying a hotdog for a random homeless man, and yet, I made a ton of money and never once considered helping anyone else with anything. In fact, I had been in that park a multitude of times, and never even noticed the man, who seemed to be a permanent resident of that particular bench.

We went to eat our lunch by the small lake, and watched the ducks swim by. I took one bite of my hotdog, and then I realized that I was being watched.

"I hate fucking ducks," I said bitterly as the damn bird crept closer.

"Oh they're not so bad, besides, I think that's a goose," Isabella said and then she did the stupidest thing imaginable, she took a piece of the bun and tossed it to the thing.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I asked bitterly.

"Look it's coming closer," she said with a giggle.

"Yeah it's coming closer, you fed it and now it wants more."

"But look, it's so hungry," she said and tossed it some more bread.

"Look how fat that thing is, it's definitely not hungry."

"Oh relax," she said and threw more to it.

Suddenly the thing barked at us, which made us both jump up so we were standing on the bench.

"Now look what you did," I said.

"Did it seriously just bark?" Isabella asked while trying to hold in her giggles.

As if to answer her question, the thing barked again.

"It's like a goose from hell," I said seriously.

"Here," she said and grabbed the rest of my hotdog.

"What the hell?" I asked as she removed the bun and handed the naked hotdog back to me.

"Mine is all gone."

She took a chunk and pulled her arm back and then launched the bread as far as she could in hopes to drive the goose away. But a gust of wind suddenly came and the bread flew back and hit me in the face.

Without warning, the damn bird jumped at the bread, thus jumping at me, making me fall backwards over the top of the bench. The motion freaked the goose out so it flew away, but the damage was already done.

"Holy shit, are you ok?" she asked concerned as I laid flat on my back behind the bench.

"I think….I have a concussion."

"Don't be such a pansy," she teased as she helped me up.

"Pansy? I fucking hit my head on…"

"The grass," she smirked like a smart ass, and I was convinced that I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life.

Later that week, I finally decided to make a point of introducing Gianna and Isabella. I had a BBQ on Sunday and just to lessen the tension, I invited Jasper, Emmett, and their girlfriends over as well. I actually felt kind of bad when they all got there, because Isabella was the only one who was single and I was worried about her feeling like the odd one out. But gratefully, everyone seemed to mingle together easily, and it never got uncomfortable.

"So Isabella, Edward told me that you're a social worker?" Gianna asked.

"Um, Bella," she corrected quietly. "Yeah, I really love it so far."

"That's great. I've always wanted to do something like that, but I could never accept the low salary ," Gianna said casually, and then a horrified expression came across her face. "I didn't mean to imply that I was too good for a job like that, I just meant that I could never handle the fact that you do so much work, and no one in the community really gives you any respect …" She paused and closed her eyes tightly, realizing that she just put her foot in her mouth again. "I swear, I'm not a bitch."

"It's okay," Isabella assured her. "No, I don't make very much money and it's not a high profile job, but I get by."

"But will you ever be able to afford to live on your own? I mean, you can't live with Edward forever."

"Gia?" I said getting a little perturbed. I knew she wasn't malicious in any way, but it was better to just not say anything rather than continue to make those types of comments.

"I was just asking if she had any plans."

"Uh, I have a savings account. The last thing I want to do is get in Edward's way here."

"You're not in my way, you can stay as long as you want," I insisted.

I was getting frustrated, so I went out to the balcony to get some air and check on the BBQ. I flipped the burgers then tried to really figure out why I was so bothered by Gianna's comment. Was it that I didn't like Gia being possessive and implying that Isabella needed to find a new living situation soon, or was it the fact that I didn't want to even think about Isabella moving out at all?

I never thought I'd like living with someone, but only a week of having her there and I almost forgot what it was like to be alone. My apartment had become exactly what I feared, her stuff was everywhere, but I didn't respond to it the way I thought I would have. It wasn't a mess, it was the little things, like her coat in the closet and her shampoo in the main bathroom, but they were all things that I couldn't imagine not being there anymore. Even having her laundry in the washing machine when I needed to do a load was strangely comforting in a way.

I could feel it brewing inside of me, and I had no choice but to tighten my lock on it. With Gianna, although I liked and cared about her, I knew deep down that I was in no danger of falling in love with her, but Isabella was a different story. If I allowed myself to cross that line, if I lowered my defenses even for a moment, I was sure I'd forever be at her mercy. If I experienced what it was like to really love someone, I would be constantly living with the risk of losing them, and I knew I could never survive losing someone like that again.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?" Gianna asked, interrupting my internal breakdown.

"Sure," I said, so she shut the sliding door behind her so no one inside could hear.

"I'm sorry if I upset you," she said quietly. "I have no idea where that came from."

"It's fine," I lied. Regardless of how I was feeling in that moment, I needed to keep Gianna in my life, if only as a way to keep me from doing something with Isabella that crossed the line that I was desperately clinging to.

"So, did you fall in love with her the moment you met?" she asked me unexpectedly.

"What?" I asked, taken aback by her comment.

"Oh come on Edward, it's obvious. You love her…and that's ok. You never pretended to love me, and I never thought you did. I had hoped that over time we could get there, but your heart is already hers."

I shook my head, but I couldn't lift my eyes to meet hers.

"We had fun though, right?"

I nodded, but I couldn't talk. I couldn't believe she was actually breaking up with me, and there was no way I'd admit to what she was accusing me of, not even to myself.

She leaned in and kissed my cheek, and then wiped off the lipstick mark she left on my skin. "Have a good life Edward, and honestly mean that."

And then she was gone. _What the hell was I going to do now?_

I suddenly became paranoid. I knew the reasons I had for not wanting any kind of a romantic relationship with Isabella, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to abide by them without the excuse of having a girlfriend to stop me.

"Hey, are you burning those burgers, or what?" Emmett popped his head outside to ask.

"Yeah..no…sorry, shit!" I said as I pulled the blackened meat off the grill.

"Toasty…Well, I do love jerky," Emmett said and took the plate away from me.

"Is everything ok with Gianna?" Alice asked full of attitude as if she knew Gia had just broken up with me.

"Yeah, she's great. She just had somewhere else to be," I lied again. I locked eyes with Isabella briefly, knowing she would know I was lying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell everyone the truth. I didn't want to be single again, I didn't want the opportunity to start obsessing over Isabella anymore than I already was.

As everyone was choking down their chunks of burned meat on buns, Isabella came and sat next to me quietly. "Are you ok?" she whispered.

"Why wouldn't I be ok?" I asked, and then got up to throw my food away. I needed to escape her, I needed to find something else that would force me to not lose myself completely to my growing infatuation. Everyone finally left for the evening, and I went to a bar.

I didn't return to the condo until it was late enough that I was sure Isabella would be sleeping, because I just couldn't be alone with her right then. Even though I didn't sleep all night, I still got up extra early to go for a run before work. I always enjoyed running, it was the perfect nonsexual way to release the built up tensions of life. After working up a good sweat, I went back to the condo quietly, hoping Isabella was still sleeping or even perhaps already gone for the day. I really didn't need to see her beautifully barefoot and in her pajamas at that moment. _I was in deep shit._

Thankfully, she was already gone for the day.

After work I made plans to go to another bar with some friends, and I spent that time watching the clock, hoping Isabella would be turning in for bed earlier, rather than later. I went home around midnight, and I was grateful everything was dark and quiet, but I couldn't stop myself from sneaking a look into her bedroom, just to make sure she was there and safe.

The damn door squeaked like hell when I opened it, but I could see the outline of her body in the darkness, and she didn't move. I quickly shut the door again and was grateful that I drank enough to let me sleep without the aid of a sleeping pill.

For the entire week, I managed to avoid seeing her; coming in late and waking up early, but every night I'd check on her to make sure she was safely in her bed.

Weekends were harder to avoid her however, so I took an impromptu visit to the local reservation casino, and spent the entire time drinking and gambling. But I knew I couldn't avoid her forever, and the longer I kept it up, the more of a chance I'd turn into a raging alcoholic.

I got home late that Sunday evening, and like the other nights, I stopped in her room to make sure she was safe. But that evening was different. After being completely away for the two days prior, I couldn't just simply peek my head in to make sure she was safe, I needed a closer look.

I clutched at the knob, begging myself to stay where I was and not go in any further, but my legs refused to cooperate, and much to my chagrin, they moved forward against my will. As I walked closer to her, I not only felt like a disturbing peeping tom, but I also was accosted by her amazing scent and her subtle breathing noises.

"Edward, don't," she said suddenly. I froze in place thinking I had waken her up, but then a low rumbling came from her nose. _Was she actually snoring? _On any other girl, snoring would have been a complete turn off, but I couldn't help but smile at her as if the noise was the cutest thing I ever heard. The thought actually made me want to punch myself, I was seriously fucking screwed.

"Edward, please stay," she said, and I was positive that time that she was dreaming…_and she was dreaming of me_. I tried to not feel so ecstatic about that, but it was hard, and I felt those familiar butterflies in my chest again.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could actually make out the lines on her face, and I disgusted myself further by leaning in to her so I could study her slumbering features. She breathed out and I breathed in, just to taste her in my lungs. She continued to snore, and I found myself actually laying my head next to hers, just to get that much closer. I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them again, it was morning. What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking.

She was still sleeping, and I prayed that she never woke in the night to find me there. I hurried out of the room, careful to not slam any doors, making the least amount of noise possible. I didn't even bother showering before grabbing my stuff and leaving for the day. As I drove to work, I realized that resisting Isabella was pointless, I could never live that close to her and keep my distance.

I was absolutely scared shitless. I wasn't the type of guy who fell in love that quickly, or even at all. I didn't even believe in everlasting love, and that was exactly what I was most afraid of. Everything ends, and even though we didn't have a real relationship, I was already anticipating the end for us and realizing that I'd never survive it. I couldn't lose the person I cared most for _again_….

"_Ben?"_

"_What?" _

"_Are we always going to be friends?"_

"_Edward, it's three in the morning, go to sleep."_

"_Just answer my question."_

"_Ok, fine. Yes, we'll always be friends."_

"_Promise?"_

"_I promise."_

….

But everything ends.


	8. Ch 7 More than Everything

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 7 – _More than Everything_~

BPOV

"Bella, what the hell are you thinking?" Alice asked after I told her that I was moving in with Edward.

I shrugged. "He had some good points. I mean your place is just too small for the both of us, and I have no idea how long it will be before I can afford to move out on my own."

"Bella, he's going to figure it out," she said slowly, as if she was trying to let it sink in my mind.

"How is he going to figure it out? So, I look like Ben, a lot of siblings look alike. As far as he's concerned, Ben's dead, so why would he ever think otherwise?"

"But you're in love with him," she nearly whispered.

I took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter how I feel, I can handle myself, I always have."

"Always?"

"I lost control _one_ time, and I know better than to let it happen again."

"It caused you to lose everything that mattered to you," she rebutted.

"Did it, though? I couldn't stay in Forks forever anyway and if Edward hadn't completely shunned me from his life, I don't know if I would have had the strength to leave."

"What do you think would have happened if you told him the truth back then?"

I bit my bottom lip as I thought about the possibility. "I think he would have pushed me away just the same. It's not like the fact that having a vagina instead of a penis would have changed his feelings for me."

"Oh yes it would. If he knew you were a girl, you two would have been fucking as teenagers."

"No, he didn't look at me like that."

"BECAUSE YOU WERE A BOY! The guy wasn't gay Bella, it may suck, but physical anatomy makes a huge difference, regardless of how connected the souls are. Trust me, I've seen the way he looks at you now; vagina equals green light to porking."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. Alice said the strangest things at times.

"Oh just wait, I give it three weeks tops, and you'll be humping like rabbits."

"Alice, even if he was attracted to me, he has a girlfriend. Nothing is going to happen between us."

"Just wait. I have a sixth sense on these types of things, and Edward is going to introduce you into the world of fucking in every position and on every surface of that condo. I just really hope you don't get too swept away by him, because eventually, he will find out the truth and he will be far more pissed than he ever was when you kissed him as Ben. I'm just worried about your safety. He pushed you before and said all those hateful things, I can't imagine what he'll do when he finds out he's been fucking his childhood best friend. "

"He's not going to find out, because it's not going to happen. I would never let it get that far," I said assuredly. The idea of having a physical relationship with _anyone_ was so strange to me, that I couldn't even imagine it. Maybe I was pathetic, but I just never had much of a desire for it. Apart from my ill attempt to kiss Edward when I was fifteen, I just never even thought about the opposite sex in that way, especially since I pretended to be the opposite sex for so long.

I was completely stuck in the middle. I wasn't a lesbian, so I wasn't attracted to women, but men were difficult. I still saw most men as if I was still pretending to be that tough boy. I couldn't imagine any of them ever being attracted to me, and I thought of them as nothing more than friends.

Every time I met a new man, whether it was on a blind date that Alice had set me up with, or otherwise, I'd always find myself wondering if he was good at baseball and what his best position was, I never once thought about what it was like having sex with him. I was supposed to be romantically attracted to those guys, but I could only see them as buddies...But then again, Edward was just supposed to be my friend, and the more time I spent with him at his condo, the more I found myself wondering what it would be like to be pressed up against him in that way.

It soon became more than just a curious thought, it became almost a hunger. I ached for him, and I would catch myself staring at him like a lovesick lunatic when he wasn't paying attention. I undoubtedly knew him better than anyone else when we were kids, but the man I was discovering was entirely different, except still the same. He had the same little quirks and irrational fears, but he was so much stronger than he was back then, and completely more guarded at the same time. And there wasn't anything I wanted more. I did my best to bury my love for him because I knew nothing could ever come from it, and I just wanted to be part of his life; even if it was just a causal acquaintance, I just needed to be around him in some way.

But everything seemed to change after the BBQ. He invited everyone over and I met his girlfriend for the first time, but he seemed to be agitated the whole day. He went out to check on the grill, and I was about to follow him out to ask him what was wrong, but Gianna beat me to it. She got up quickly and went out to the balcony and shut the door behind her. She wasn't outside very long, but she was visibly upset when she came back in.

"Well, it was nice meeting you all, but I have to be going," Gianna announced.

We were all surprised that she would leave before the food was even ready, so it took everyone a moment to say goodbye in return. Emmett looked concerned, so he got up and went to the balcony to talk to Edward, and I looked over at Alice briefly and saw her rolling her eyes as if she knew exactly what was going on, and she was annoyed but not surprised.

Edward brought the food in, and Alice almost immediately jumped on him. "Is everything ok with Gianna?"

"Yeah, she's great. She just had somewhere else to be," he replied. Edward was always a good liar, but one thing that hadn't changed between us since we were kids was my ability to detect his bullshit, and he was definitely lying then.

And then I understood Alice - she had predicted that his relationship with Gianna wasn't going to last, and it became obvious to me that they did, in fact, just break up. In my sister's mind the break up just pushed Edward and I one step closer to being together romantically, which I knew she was terrified of, but she didn't understand that he just didn't see me that way, and I highly doubt their break up had anything to do with me.

"Are you ok?" I asked him quietly as everyone started eating the burned burgers.

"Why wouldn't I be ok?" he asked with a sour edge to his voice. _Perhaps the break up was actually about me after all._

I wanted to talk to him alone; I needed him to understand that if Gianna was that uncomfortable with me living there, that I'd find somewhere else to live. The last thing I wanted was for him to lose his girlfriend over me. But when everyone finally went home, Edward said he was going out with some of his other friends. I figured he went to a bar, which is what I heard a lot of people did after a relationship ended, but he didn't get back until long after I had already gone to bed, so I was pretty sure that he really didn't want to talk at that moment.

I didn't see him again for over a week, in fact, I wasn't even sure if he went back to the condo at all. He was gone all weekend as well, and although I wasn't sure why, I knew his absence had everything to do with me. I decided then, that I needed to move out.

"Alice, do you know of anyone else looking for a roommate?" I asked over the phone on Sunday evening.

"Wow, that didn't last long. Please tell me he didn't already figure everything out?"

"No, it's nothing like that. This just isn't going to work and I need somewhere else to stay."

"Did you get into a fight?" she asked.

"No."

"Did you kiss him again and he turned you down?"

"No."

"Did you see him naked and now you can't stop having sexual thoughts about him?"

"No, Alice, please just stop. Nothing happened; I just don't think I can stay here. Do you have any friends at all, who are looking for a roommate?"

"No, but you can come back to live with me."

"Ugh, your place is just too small," I complained.

"No, Jasper has been wanting me to move in with him, so I'll just do that and you can have my studio to yourself."

"I can't afford it alone. Maybe I'll just look for my own place; the apartments on Stetson are cheap."

"Yeah, and they also have an incredibly high crime rate."

"I can take care of myself," I said sternly.

"I know, but I'd never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you. I'm moving in with Jazz, and you're moving into my place. I'll continue to pay half of it, because I want a somewhere to go when I need time away from him."

I sighed, and without any better option, I agreed. I wouldn't be able to move until later in the week because Alice was too busy with work to move her stuff, but I figured that would just give me more time to collect all my things anyway.

On Monday I woke up to an empty condo _again_, and I felt horrible knowing that I somehow caused Edward to abandon his home. But the worst part was that I wouldn't be able to tell him I was moving out because I really didn't know how to contact him. I already left a message on his voice mail asking him to call me back, but that was days before and he never called me. I even asked Jasper if he had heard from him, but he hadn't talked to him since the BBQ, so I was actually starting to get worried.

When I was done with work for the day, I decided to start packing, so I stopped by the store and picked up some boxes. I didn't have much stuff so I knew packing wouldn't take so long, but I didn't want to wait. The sooner I packed my stuff, the sooner I would accept that my friendship with Edward wasn't salvageable.

After not seeing Edward for over two weeks, I didn't expect him to finally come home that day, but as I was in the middle of throwing some stuff in a box, he came through the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked abruptly without any form of greeting.

"Hey," I said, surprised to see him. "I tried to call. How have you been?" I asked quietly.

"Why are you packing your things?" His voice was in an indefinable tone, so it was hard for me to read him properly, which was odd because I had always been so good at reading him.

"I'm moving back in with Alice."

"Why?"

"Look, I didn't mean to get Gianna upset, and whatever happened between you two wouldn't have if I wasn't here."

Edward squeezed his eyes shut tightly, while running his hand through his hair and then pulling it.

"That had nothing to do with you…not really anyway. It was me, I just wasn't into the relationship as much as she needed me to be," he said slowly, before dropping his hand from his hair, and finally opening his eyes to look at me. "I don't want you to leave."

"I just don't want to get in your way here. I don't want you to stay away from your own condo because you don't want to be around me."

"I told you before you moved in that I wasn't here much. I work long hours, I thought you understood that."

As he spoke, I couldn't help but take in the astonishing sight before me. It was almost surreal in a way that I was in his home, when I really thought I'd never see him again after I moved from Forks. He was standing there, in his business suit, completely grown up. I thought about the boy he was, and how everyone in the little town of Forks just thought he was a lost cause, just a trashy kid who'd never go further in life than the trailer park. But he grew into an amazing, successful man, and I knew I could leave him and never have to worry about him again. I spent so many nights after we parted afraid of what became of him, but now I could leave confident that he could take care of himself. He didn't need me anymore, and I was really at peace with that.

"Thank you for letting me stay, but this really was never the best idea," I said quietly, forcing each word out because I really didn't want to be saying them. I went back to packing to escape his intense stare. I couldn't look into his deep green eyes any longer, because I knew I was completely powerless against them, and I needed to be strong.

He took a step forward, and unexpectedly grabbed the box out of my hand and set it down. He then placed a hand on each of my upper arms and locked me in his gaze once more.

"Isabella, please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone again." His eyes were beseeching, and I knew immediately that I'd never be able to resist, just like I couldn't resist him before…

"_What do you mean you're moving away?" Edward asked me practically in a panic. _

"_I told you that my mom wanted me to go back and live with her. I just think now's the time. I'll still write you, and my dad's here, so I'll be back to visit, and…"_

"_It won't be the same. What the hell am I going to do without you?"_

"_You'll be fine," I said, even though I wasn't entirely convinced. Edward always got himself into trouble, and I was scared to death at the idea of him not having me around to protect him._

_We were thirteen. It was the age of changing bodies and raging hormones. My life as a boy was only supposed to be temporary, but my mom was crazier than I originally anticipated. I already started my period and stealing tampons wasn't the easiest thing in the world, especially since Waylon wasn't working at the liquor store anymore. Alice had been living with my mom again for some time, so she convinced my mom to let me move back with them. I had no idea how long I would be able to continue to pass as a boy for, and taping my developing breasts was uncomfortable to say the least._

_Around eleven years old, I had realized that my mother was crazy and there was no real reason for me to pretend to be a boy, but by then I had been living with my dad for four years that way, and I had no idea how to tell my him the truth. Would he be mad at me? Would he have my mom arrested? I didn't even know if what my mother did was illegal or not, but I wasn't willing to take the chance either._

_But after talking to Alice about it for a few months, I decided to move back with them. I knew that decision would affect my dad and brother, but even more than them, it would affect Edward. We were closer than best friends, closer than brothers. It was like we were twins, we felt each other's pain and were everything to one another. I didn't want to leave him, but I knew I couldn't stay forever either._

"_I won't be fine Ben, you said we'd be friends forever."_

"_We will be. Just because I'm leaving, that doesn't mean we can't still be friends."_

"_You'll make new friends, and forget all about me."_

"_That's ridiculous. I could never forget you."_

"_What about the storms? You know I can't sleep alone when there's thunder."_

"_You don't sleep alone even when there's not thunder," I corrected him._

"_Exactly. You can't leave."_

"_Edward, I have to. You know my mom isn't stable, and I can't just leave my sister alone with her. She needs me."_

"_I need you." Edward grabbed both my arms and looked at me with the full intensity of his green eyes. "Ben, please don't leave me. I can't be alone."_

_I knew then that I couldn't leave. He was right, if I left he'd be alone, no one else would care about him. His father wouldn't have been upset if something happened to him, I was his only family and I needed to take care of him._

"_Okay, I'll call my sister and tell her I'm not moving."_

"_Really?" he asked full of hope._

"_Really."_

"_And you're never going to leave?" he asked._

_I smiled reassuringly, and lied. "Never."_

_I knew I couldn't live that way forever, but the truth was that if I didn't kiss him when we were fifteen, I probably would have never found a way to leave. I loved him too much, and leaving him absolutely killed me._

…_.._

"Eventually, I'll need to find a place of my own," I whispered, praying he'd back off and let me go before I got in any deeper than I already was.

"But you don't have to right now. You've only lived here for a little over two weeks, just give it some more time."

Resistance was futile, so there was no point in even trying anymore.

"Okay. But only if you promise to tell me if you ever change your mind; I don't want to stay here if you really don't want me here."

"But I really _do_ want you here. I've just been stressed lately and I haven't been quite myself, but I swear, I'm not always an asshole." I raised an eyebrow at him challengingly. "Okay, I usually am an asshole, but I'll try harder not to be."

I nodded and then proceeded to remove the stuff from the boxes and put them back where they were. I expected things to be strained between us for a while, but it was actually the opposite. He started helping me put things back and then we spent the rest of the evening joking and laughing about the most absurd things.

"So, I was sitting in my office today at lunch, and my buddy Mr. Goose flew up and hit the window."

I was speechless for a moment. "Nah-uh, no way," I said incredulously with a grin.

"No lie. My office is on the fifth floor, and the damn bird flew right into the glass window."

"Shut up," I said while starting to laugh at the illogical story.

"It's the god's honest truth. I told you that bird had a thing for me."

"Ah, an interspecies gay bird, huh?"

"Maybe it was a female bird," he said defensively.

"Right, and maybe it wasn't the same bird at all. Maybe it was actually a pigeon…or a gull…_or_ just another random duck."

He pressed his lips together, and then shook his head. "Nope, it was definitely him."

We stayed up talking and laughing until I could hardly see straight anymore, so we finally said good night and went to bed.

And then there was a crash of thunder.

I was sleeping, but the noise woke me up immediately, and I practically jumped out of bed. I had never been afraid of the storms before, but I had never lived in a high rise building during one either. A bright flash of lightning lit up the room, and I found myself cowering under my covers like a child. The rumble that followed the flash was the loudest thunder I had ever heard in my life, and I swore the building shook from it.

The rain pelting against the window didn't help either, and I wished more than anything that Edward was that scared little boy again, just briefly, just long enough for him to come crawling into my room to snuggle to my side. But he wasn't _that_ kid anymore, he wasn't afraid, and he didn't come. _How the hell did we change places?_

I had always been the strong, brave one. I was the one who would comfort him when he was afraid, but there I was, creeping to his bedroom door, hoping he'd hear me and invite me to sleep with him the way we did at the ski resort.

But he was sound asleep.

I turned to leave, but then the room lit up again followed by the angry ground shaking thunder, and I just reacted. I jumped into bed with him, not even caring that I woke him up.

"Are you ok?" he whispered groggily.

"Yeah, sorry. I just…" I grabbed on to him tightly as the room flashed again, and I knew I didn't have to explain further, it was obvious why I was there.

His chest vibrated as he chuckled a few times, and then he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him securely. I found myself holding onto him tighter and tighter with ever crash I heard, and he just tightened his grip on me in return. Suddenly, he started humming, which completely took me off guard. I never heard him sing or hum before, and it was absolutely breathtaking. He had perfect pitch and his voice was so relaxing and deeply soulful, that I found myself lost in it. If I wasn't already completely in love with him, I would have definitely fallen for him hard in that moment.

His breath washed over me and his heart drummed along to the beat, and I had never felt more safe and more alive than I did at that moment. I felt like I had been running my whole life, only to finally find a peaceful place to rest, there in his arms. I wanted to confess my soul to him, I wanted to tell him absolutely everything. I wanted him to know who I really was and how I always loved him, but as I lifted my head to look him in the eye, I was unable to speak.

I could never forget the feeling of his lips on mine, but this was different and the memory never could do his perfect mouth justice. When I kissed him before, we were both just scared confused kids and he had no desire to do it, but he kissed me this time with an intensity that was stronger than any thunder.

I didn't think, I just let go and let my body take over the action that it had been desperate for since puberty. I pushed myself closer to him as our lips continued to try to consume the other's. His tongue found mine just as his knee lifted between my legs, pressing against my most sensitive area in the most amazing way. I had no idea what I was doing, but I really didn't have to either; what my mind had no knowledge of, my body seemed to respond to effortlessly.

I reflexively started rocking my pelvis against him, rubbing my heat onto his leg. His hands found my hips and grabbed on tightly, before pulling me higher so I was no longer rubbing on his leg, but something else entirely.

"Mmm," I moaned as I felt his erection through our clothes.

I couldn't believe it was actually happening, I couldn't believe I was even in _that_ position with Edward. I always wanted to be there, but never thought I ever would be. I knew it was wrong, I knew I should have stopped it and told him the truth before I let it get any further, but when his hand slid down my pants and his fingers traced my slit through my panties, I knew I was done. I couldn't speak, so how the hell could I tell him anything?

His mouth continued to dance with mine, and then his hand went under my panties and his fingers felt their way between my folds.

No one had ever touched my like that, and I never really had a desire for it. I always thought the female body was disgusting. I didn't go through the female Sex Ed classes, so I didn't understand why all the folds and such were necessary. But as he rubbed and caressed me in that way, I couldn't help but be grateful for every nerve ending I had down there. He slid a finger inside my opening, followed by a second, and I nearly lost it.

"God, you're so tight," he murmured, but I was unable to respond with anything but a moan.

He pulled his fingers out, but put them right back in, moving them in and out slowly while his kisses moved to my neck.

I may have stopped breathing, but the tightening in my stomach and chest seemed to force me to start panting. I could feel my inner wall clamping down on his fingers, and he must have felt it too, because he quickly removed them.

"I want to be inside of you," he said softly.

I didn't remember responding, but when he started removing my clothes, I definitely didn't protest.

Even more confusing to me than extra folds of vaginal skin, were the mounds of fat on women's chests. I knew they were technically there for nursing babies, but I never understood why men were so fascinated by them. But when Edward had my shirt and bra off, and he started gently kneading them while letting his thumbs circle my tender nipple, I didn't care about their technical purpose. He brought his lips to one of the nipples while he continued to squeeze the other, and I suddenly fell in love with my breasts. If they could give him so much pleasure and feel that good when he touched and kissed them, then I would never dislike them again.

He pulled back to finish removing my pants, and I automatically grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. He pushed down his own pants before moving between my legs and pressing his bare chest against mine.

This was it.

I knew we'd never be the same again, not that we ever could be anyway, but there was no going back. I knew he'd hate me for going there without telling him the truth, but in that moment, I couldn't bring myself to care. All I cared about right then was the feeling of his flesh against mine. There was no space between us, and I couldn't help but wish we were glued together that way permanently.

He pulled back again, but only briefly while he positioned his tip over my opening. I may not have been well educated about female anatomy, but I wasn't an idiot. I knew enough to know it was going to hurt, but as he pushed into me for the first time, I didn't have time to feel any pain.

Edward was inside of me.

Nothing else existed in the world besides that fact. There was no pain, no past, no future, nothing but him being connected to me in the most intimate way. He filled me completely, and then he pulled out only to push right back in. I didn't think we could possibly be any closer, but he suddenly lifted my leg up to his hip, and went in at a slightly different angle, allowing him to go inside even deeper than I ever thought my body would allow.

"God," he moaned as he pumped in and out of me, increasing his force and speed with every thrust.

It was an out of body experience, and at times I wondered if I was actually dreaming. Every inch of my body was a live wire. Every touch, every brush of his hand on my skin was like an electric shock to my nervous system. All of my muscles tightened which made him grunt and pound even harder, and then I felt an intense internal surge that exploded within me, followed by a rush of heat and finally a pulsating hum that lulled my body into a warm numbness which I had never felt before. He pumped into me a few more times until his body stiffened and he released his warmth into me.

He didn't pull out right away, instead he stayed inside; we were entirely intertwined so there was no definition as to where my body stopped and his began. Closer than I had ever been physically to anyone else, and I couldn't imagine ever being that close to anyone but him.

I couldn't think beyond that moment, there was nothing in the world besides him. He was everything to me before, but he became even more than that, he was so much more than everything, and I knew he always would be.


	9. Ch 8 Too Much to Lose

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 8 – _Too Much to Lose_~

BPOV

Growing up, I'd often curse god for making me a girl. Everything would have been so much easier if I was just born with a penis; no tapping breasts, no periods, no excuses to get me out of doctor's visits, no hiding in the bathroom to change during PE, and no lying to the people who mattered most to me. But in the days that followed making love to Edward for the first time, I found myself _thanking_ god for my femininity.

Edward knew my body better than I did; he knew exactly how to touch me and the perfect pressure to apply. I couldn't get enough of him, and he seemed to feel the same way about me because we would do nothing but lay in bed all day and discover each other. His kisses were so tender, and his touch was electric. I was vaguely aware of the subtle burning between my legs, but it wasn't enough to stop me from wanting him inside me over and over again. I wasn't stupid, I knew it couldn't last forever, but I refused to think about the time when I would have to be separated from him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth either. The truth would only end our passion indefinitely, and I wasn't ready to give him up yet. I would probably never be ready, so no matter how wrong it was, I decided to ignore the truth for a while. Perhaps after some time together, he may forgive me easier when he finally found out.

"Was that your stomach, or is there more thunder?" he asked after my stomach growled for the umpteenth time.

"Well, if thunder will result in this type of action, I really hope it was that," I said while pulling myself closer to him.

He laughed quietly. "I really didn't expect you to be the type who was afraid of a storm."

"I never really have been before, but we're so high up in this building. Weren't you afraid at all?"

"Nah. This building has been here for a long time. If lightning was going to do any damage to it, it would have happened already."

"So, you weren't _ever_ afraid, not even during the first storm you lived here for?"

"I haven't been afraid of storms since I was a kid," he said softly.

"What changed?"

"I don't know, I guess I just stopped being scared of things." He was quiet for a few minutes, but then he continued unexpectedly. "I think that when Ben died, I realized that there wasn't really anything left to be afraid of."

"What do you mean?" I asked feeling horrible about the conversation topic, but not being able to change the subject either.

"When you don't have much to lose…there's not much to be afraid of. If the worst thing is death, but your only friend was already dead, what difference would it make? Death might even be a welcomed relief."

"Do you still feel that way?" I whispered, terrified by the thought.

He gently moved out from under me, and rolled over so he was hovering above me with one arm on each side of my head. "No, I don't feel that way anymore," he murmured before lowering himself down on me and attaching his lips to mine.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, and without hesitation, he thrust back into me and started pumping. I was becoming more comfortable with his size as my body adjusted to accommodate _all_ of him, and any pain I felt in the beginning was just a phantom memory. He was breathtaking. Every inch of him was like a symphony. I watched the muscles flex in his arms and neck as he continued to thrust, and I couldn't help but see the utter beauty in the way he was put together. I reached up and knotted my hands in the softness of his hair, and couldn't help but think about all the times I had wished I could do that as a teenager. His hair was always a guilty pleasure of mine, I'd spend many nights burying my face in it while he slept, and wishing I could run my hands through without waking him. But I didn't have to worry about waking him anymore; he was awake and he never once cringed from my touch.

He was so dominant without being overbearing, and I loved every second of it. I never would have expected him to completely take charge in that way, but I was so glad he did. His confidence was a definite turn on, especially the way he took complete ownership of my body. He always owned my soul, but now there was nothing I couldn't give him, nothing I wouldn't do for him and I really hoped he'd take advantage of that.

After we both climaxed _again_, I actually whimpered when he pulled away from me.

"I think we missed work again today," he said and even without looking at him, I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Shit," I said carelessly with a smile.

"But, we can't miss another meal. I'm starving and we both know that _was _your stomach growling." He proceeded to get dressed, and I couldn't help the grimace that plastered my face. Now that I knew what was under all those clothes, I never wanted to see him covered up again.

"I don't care about my stomach, come back to bed."

"I'm going to see what we have to cook," he said quickly before disappearing down the hall. I decided to jump in the shower and then get dressed, because I knew we didn't have anything fresh to eat in the kitchen and I was actually hungrier than I was letting on. The shower felt good, but I realized that I was in a lot more pain than I thought, but that didn't stop me from hoping he'd join me in the shower.

Unfortunately, the shower ended and he didn't come in with me, but that was probably for the better anyway. I was too hungry and sore to fully enjoy the new setting, so waiting for shower sex would be best.

I dried off and got dressed, and then went out to see what Edward was doing. He was wearing nothing but sweat pants and a wife-beater tank, and I nearly died from his perfection.

He heard me enter the room, so he didn't even look up before he began speaking. "We don't have much I can make…." He finally lifted his eyes to look at me, and frowned.

"What?" I asked slightly hurt by his apparent negative assessment of my appearance.

"Nothing, I just…." he paused strangely, and then walked closer to me. He then wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed the crook my neck. "I just really don't get these clothes you always wear."

I smiled as his breath tickled my throat. "I have to wear clothes; it's illegal to walk around in public naked.

"Yeah, but why do you have to wear clothes that makes you look like you're in a religious extremist cult. I mean, I dig the sexy librarian thing, but…"

"But this isn't sexy," I finished his statement, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

"Don't get me wrong, you'd look good in a trash bag, but I'm just really curious how a friend of Alice's gets away with clothes like this."

"I don't, I have to hide this stuff when I know she's going to do a closet check."

"Okay, next time, don't hide it."

I couldn't help but laugh. Edward was so adorable the way he didn't want to offend me, but I loved how comfortable he was to be able to tell me how he really felt. And he was absolutely right, my outfit was hideous. 'Librarian' was too nice of a description for what I was wearing, and for the first time since I was seven, I was actually appalled by my sense of style. I always bought clothes that were comfortable, functional, and covered as much of me as possible, but being with Edward changed me. He made me like my body, and I wanted to look good for him, so I did something I never expected to do, I went into my collection of Alice approved clothes.

For my first femininely stylish venture, I wanted to take it slow, just a little baby step, so I picked out a simple pencil skirt and cardigan combo. _It was a good thing Alice insisted that kept my legs shaved_. I got dressed in the new outfit, and as I shyly walked out of the room, Edward definitely looked like he approved of the change.

"Wow, you look amazing," he said, as if I were dressed for a ball or something. He kissed my lips and ran his hand up my bare leg, before pulling away. "Let's go get some food."

"Okay," I said uncomfortably. The skirt wasn't short, but I felt so vulnerable in it and I found myself having to force my legs forward. I wanted it, I wanted to be dressed like I belonged with someone as inhumanly beautiful as Edward, but it would take me a while before I felt at ease.

As we walked into the restaurant, I became slightly paranoid. It felt like everyone kept looking at me, as if they knew I wasn't supposed to be dressed like that. I felt like a drag queen on my first outing as a cross dresser, but then Edward put his hand on the small of my back and led me to our table.

Everything changed with his touch. I relaxed, and suddenly felt a burst of confidence. I had seen other men lead their girlfriends and wives in the way Edward was leading me, and I always thought of it as such a simple yet affectionate gesture. It made me feel good, like as if Edward was almost proud to be with me. I felt like we were a real, normal couple, and I was so happy to be the one walking there with Edward.

We sat across from each other in a booth, and started looking at the menu.

"Hey, if it's not two of my most favorite people." I looked up to see Emmett standing there with Rose, and grinning widely, flashing his dimples.

"Emmett, is the police department not paying you enough so now you're forced to work as a waiter part time?" Edward joked.

"Yeah right," Emmett said and squeezed himself next to Edward on his bench seat. "We were out and about, doing wedding shopping crap, and decided to get some lunch."

"Why the hell are you sitting next to me?" Edward asked irritated. I scooted over so Rose could sit next to me, and then she proceeded to pull out a bridal magazine and show me everything she had already picked out. _What a fucking nightmare_.

"Babe, Bella doesn't want to see that shit. Not every chick is as into bridal magazines as you and Alice are," Emmett said annoyed. That's one of the things I loved about my brother, he wasn't shy about speaking his mind, I only was embarrassed that my lack of interest in the magazine was that apparent.

"Well Bella has to be interested in it, because she's going to be one of my bridesmaids," Rose said unexpectedly. _Shit!_

"Uh…" I said, not sure how to respond.

"I know we're not the best of friends, but please say you'll be in our wedding. All my other friends are being bitches and have all backed out."

"That's 'cuz you're bridezilla," Edward said under his breath. Emmett then elbowed him in the ribs, and Edward retaliated by shoving him off of the bench. Em collected himself, and then he sat back down casually, and slyly licked his finger before shoving it into Edward's ear.

Watching their very brotherly interaction was actually emotionally draining for me. I was happy that they had each other in that way, but I couldn't help but feel jealous. Although I was on cloud nine from the recent turn in my and Edward's relationship, a part of me would always miss the role I could never have again in Edward's and Emmett's lives. Emmett was my brother, and we used to play around the way he was with Edward, and I realized then that Emmett had also taken my role as Edward's best friend. They weren't as close as I was with them, but I still wished there was a way I could still be in their lives in that way, and keep my current relationship with Edward at the same time. I wanted both lives, and I hated that I could never have it.

"So are you two fucking yet?" Emmett said abruptly, which took me off guard and I actually felt my face get hot from embarrassment.

"How the hell is that any of your business?" Edward said defensively.

"Ah, you two _are_ fucking. You owe me a hundred bucks man."

"You bet on whether or not we were going to sleep together?" I asked as my embarrassment washed away and was replaced by anger.

"No, he bet, I didn't agree to anything," Edward said quickly.

"Don't be sour because you lost," Emmett said while throwing his arm over Edward's shoulder.

"Get the fuck off me," Edward grumbled and pushed off Emmett's arm.

"Emmett, how the hell do you think Bella feels about you betting on her like that?" Rose defended me.

"Ah shit, I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean any disrespect. I just figured that since you were living together that it was just a matter of time. I mean, you are like his wet dream come true."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Edward asked frustrated.

"Oh come on, the chick is a female version of Ben, why wouldn't you want to bone her?"

I felt…like I was going to be sick.

"Man, shut the hell up, you have no idea what you're even talking about."

"Right, like you and my little brother didn't have a little love thing going on."

Edward's jaw clinched and I could see him squeeze his hand into a tight fist. Emmett was clearly joking, but he obviously had no idea what happened between Edward and Ben, so he would never think that his comment would upset him in that way. But I knew what happened, and I knew in that moment that Edward was still not completely over it. If he was still that angry over a little peck from Ben as a teenager, how irate would he be when he found out that he had been having sex with Ben repeatedly over the past couple of days? Alice was right, he was going to hate me no matter how much time passed, and I was absolutely terrified to lose him again. _What the hell did I do?_

"Isabella, will you please switch seats with Emmett before I stab him with my fucking fork?" Edward asked me unexpectedly. I thought he was too pissed to speak, but he seemed to be regaining control of his anger, which is something that he was never able to do as a kid.

"Ah, you know I love you kid," Emmett said and then did the unthinkable. He grabbed Edward's face, and kissed him on the cheek before getting up to trade seats with me. I thought Edward was going to explode, but the teasing kiss didn't seem to affect him whatsoever.

Edward just wiped his face and acted like nothing happened.

When I sat next to Edward, he seemed to be completely relaxed again. He put his hand on my bare knee, and though I was slightly uncomfortable with the public display of affection at first, I soon didn't care anymore. His warm hand on my leg felt so good that I didn't care if anyone saw, _which they probably didn't because it was under the table._

"Why the hell do you still call her Isabella?" Emmett asked after getting settled next to his fiancée.

"Uh, that's her name," Edward said slowly.

"Oh, I get it." Emmett said with a smile and a nod, which only confused me. I had no idea why Edward refused to call me Bella, but Emmett seemed to understand all of a sudden, and his knowledge just made me feel jealous all over again. I used to know Edward better than anyone, but the closer we became romantically, the more I was discovering that I hardly knew him at all anymore. Emmett knew him better than anyone now, and I hated how that made me feel.

Our food came, and we all ate while listening to every aspect that Rose had already planned for their wedding. Although I wasn't at all interested in those types of details, I was actually so grateful to know about anything to do with such an important event in my brother's life, because I never thought I'd get to know anything about him again. Edward's hand never left my leg, and over the course of the meal, I somehow managed to move even closer to him so that our shoulders were resting against each other.

"So Bella, you never answered me about being a bridesmaid," Rose reminded me as we were waiting for the bill. _Shit_.

"Oh…well…" I had no idea what to say. It was my brother's wedding and I really wanted to be there, but Charlie was sure to come, and there was no way I'd be able to pass as Ben's sister to him. "I have to fly to Jacksonville that weekend."

"Alice told me about that, but I told her that whatever you were doing there couldn't be as important as my wedding. I mean come on, Emmett is your brother's brother, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

I glanced at Emmett and he returned my look, and his serious face broke in a huge smile. I tuned to look at Edward, but the waiter handed him the bill so he was getting out his wallet and not paying attention to me.

"Please Bella, I need you there."

"O…Okay," I said against my will. I had no idea how the words came out of my mouth, but I immediately regretted them. I trusted Alice would know what to do, and since Rose was her best friend, I decided to just relax for the moment and let my sister help me get out of it later.

"Great, I already have your dress ordered, so this Saturday I'll need you to come with me to the store for a fitting."

_Shit._

"Thanks for lunch Eddie," Emmett said and then he stood and clapped Edward on the back.

"Yeah, I'm still waiting for it to be your turn to pay," Edward said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, next time."

"Right, you say that every time," Edward said as they walked away. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," I said and then scooted out of the booth.

"Where to now?" he asked while leading me out of the restaurant.

"Uh…I think we should go back to the condo." I kept wrestling within myself on whether or not to tell him, and when the best time would be, but I was just so scared of losing him that every time I finally decided to go through with it, I completely chickened out.

I intended to tell him when we got back to the condo, but he pretty much attacked me when the door was shut behind us. He planted his lips to mine and lifted me up to carry me to the bedroom. I had to admit, the fact that he could pick me up like I weighed nothing was a definite turn on. He was always so skinny before that there was no way he could have lifted anyone. What a difference a few years makes.

I somehow managed to get his shirt off on our way to the room, and the rest of our clothes quickly followed. Before I knew it, I was lying naked on the bed in front of him and wondering how I ever lived without his touch. He kissed my knee and then left a trail of kisses up my leg and inner thigh, and continuing until his mouth was at my core.

As his tongue dipped between my sensitive folds, I vaguely wondered how we got there. I spent my entire childhood hiding my body from everyone, but especially from him. We were so close and when we used to sleep next to each other, I was always so worried that he'd accidentally rub against me and know what I was concealing under my clothes. I had always kept myself so covered, and there I was, completely exposed with Edward's head between my legs.

My muscles tightened, and I could feel that now familiar rush of heat, so Edward moved up my body and pushed himself into me. I ran my hands down his back as he pumped and I couldn't hold on anymore. I was still new to the orgasm thing so I didn't ever last long, especially when he went down on me beforehand. He seemed to know when I was about to climax, because he always either slowed down to try to make it last longer, or he sped up to reach his own release with me. I was sure he must have realized how inexperienced I was, but he never commented on it, and I was glad because I definitely didn't want to explain why I was so new to sex.

If I could find a way to live with him inside of me permanently, I would have. I hated when he pulled out, but I hated the rush of guilt I felt afterwards even more. Being dishonest in that way almost felt like cheating, as if my lie was betraying him in the worst possible way. Alice once cheated on a boyfriend before she met Jasper. She said it wasn't planned and felt so good at the time, but it left her feeling shameful and dirty when it was over. She never cheated on anyone again, but I couldn't stop myself from repeating my offense over and over again. I needed to tell him the truth, but after only a few days of being intimate with him, I already couldn't imagine not having him in that way. It was just too much to lose, and I was a fucking coward.

"Do you need to call your work or anything?" he asked as we came down from our high.

"I guess I should. It's probably not very professional of me to just _not_ show up for three days without calling."

He laughed once. "Yeah probably not. I have to check in to work too, so we should probably both get to that quickly so we can rush back to bed."

"Were you this horny with _all_ your sexual partners?" I asked teasingly.

"No, but none were as sexy as you," he said and then kissed my neck before slipping his boxers on.

"Yeah, I'm sure none of you girlfriends had such large boobs as mine too," I said mockingly. I was always grateful that my breasts were on the smaller side because the bigger ones just seemed to get in the way, but since my sexual awakening, I wished I had larger ones. I knew men preferred them bigger, so I was feeling slightly inadequate.

I was still sitting on the bed naked, and Edward must have heard the slight bitterness to my words, so he came back over to me and grabbed my breasts in each hand. "I love your breasts, they're absolutely perfect," he said, and then kissed each one before backing off the bed and pulling his a shirt over his head. I couldn't help but smile, it didn't matter how I was shaped, Edward made me feel sexy, which wasn't an easy thing to do.

"Is someone at the door?" I asked.

Edward froze and listened carefully, and then we both heard very distinct knocking.

"I'll get it," he said and ran down the hall.

"Edward, your pants!" I called after him because he was still in his boxers, but he didn't seem to care.

"What the hell did you do to my sister?" Alice's voice echoed down the hall….SHIT!

I threw on the first thing I could find, which was one of Edward's shirts lying on the ground, and thankfully it was way too big for me, then I ran to the living room.

"Where is she?" Alice demanded.

"I really don't know what the hell you're talking about," Edward said as I finally ran into view.

"Bella, thank god," Alice said relieved when she saw me. "Where the hell have you been? You said you were going to call when you were ready to…" she paused to take in my clothes, and then she looked at Edward. "Oh please tell me you didn't."

"Hey, you were the one who predicted it," I said defensively.

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Edward asked frustrated. "And why did you call her you sister?" he asked Alice.

Fuck.

I knew I needed to tell him the truth, but I wasn't prepared for it to come out like that. I wasn't ready to give him up yet, but thankfully Alice didn't miss a beat.

"Because that's what she is, and I'd call Rose my sister too. Bella and I have been through hell together and I love her just as much as any sister, and if you hurt her, I swear, you'll have to answer to me." The statement was actually almost funny because she was being so tough, but she was so small that she had to look way up to see into Edward's eyes.

"Why the hell do you keep thinking I'm going to hurt her?" Edward asked her frustrated.

"Because I know you better than you think I do, and I know the kind of shit…"

"Alice, enough!" I said angrily. I loved my sister, but she needed to stop because she was way out of line. Yes, Edward did some mean things to me following that kiss, but I never blamed him and the fact that Alice wouldn't let it go was driving me insane. I knew exactly what I was risking by having a relationship with Edward, and I didn't need her getting pissed at something he hasn't even done yet. Of course he was upset when I kissed him back then, and I fully expected him to hate me when I finally got the nerve to tell him the truth, but I certainly didn't need Alice telling him or fighting my battles for me.

"I'm just worried about you," she said sincerely.

"I know, but I'm fine and I can take care of myself," I insisted.

"Bella…"

"Please, just let me live my own life." I begged her, so she huffed and nodded.

"Ok. Sorry," she said quietly, and then turned to leave. "By the way, I was going to offer my help with getting you out of a certain upcoming event, but I'll just leave you to do that on your own as well."

"No, Alice, I _do_ need your help on that."

She turned back towards me. "No, you're right, you can take care of yourself, and I'm sure you'll think of something. I'm assuming you're not moving into my place anymore, right?" She smiled then kissed me on the cheek before leaving, not even waiting for a response.

Edward was quiet for a minute, but then he took a deep breath. "What the hell was that all about?"

_Tell him Bella!_- My subconscious was screaming at me, but my heart started literally aching from the thought, so I told my subconscious to go to hell.

"Alice is just…unique. People who don't know her very well pretty much thinks she's strange. But she means well."

"I'm really getting the feeling that she absolutely hates me, but I have no idea why."

"It's not you, it's me. I had a…_negative_ experience with a guy before and she just automatically thinks that it's going to happen again."

"Look, I don't believe in forever, but I promise you that the last thing I want to do is hurt you. And right now, there is nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with you."

I bit my bottom lip, and smiled. "I can think of a place you'd rather be," I said seductively. _At least I think it was seductive, I wouldn't really know._

He flashed me the most breathtakingly crooked smile, and then he scooped me up and ran us back to the bedroom.


	10. Ch 9 Scars

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 9 – Scars~

BPOV

Over the next couple of weeks, life finally seemed to slow down. Alice got used to the idea of Edward and me being together romantically, and she relaxed a bit. We all settled into a comfortable routine, and there were even entire days that would go by where I didn't even worry about the truth. My past was like a dark cloud hovering in the distance, I knew it would someday cover my sky and storm down on me, but for the time being, I was just enjoying the sun. I still had Emmett's wedding to worry about, and the daily details update from Rose kept that fact in the forefront of my mind, but I tried not to let it get me too down.

This was the time of my life that I'd always remember, this was the time I'd look back on and know it was the happiest of my life. I wanted to stay in every moment; I wanted to freeze the world from turning and never have to leave the place I was in. Every night I looked forward to making love to Edward before falling to sleep, but with the rising sun I'd remember that I was just one day closer to the time when the rain would start and my happy existence would be finished.

Edward and I never had a discussion about the label of our relationship, but we were together constantly and he'd always introduce me as his girlfriend. We just _were_ a couple, and there was no need to talk about it. We were both forced back to work, but every minute when we weren't working, we were together; we even spent almost every lunch break with each other as well. We never went out with friends separately, if we did go out, it was usually with Emmett and Rose, or Jasper and Alice, or all four. It was odd to me that our main friends were both my siblings and their significant others, but it was nice and I couldn't have been happier.

As much as we liked to go out, we were still in that phase where we couldn't get enough of each other, so we'd much rather just stay in and make love all evening. The only time our love life slowed, was when I was on my period, but even then we found other ways to connect. We took those weeks and found a new way of existing. It was nothing like when we were kids, besides the fact that we were everything to each other. He was different. He treated me like the woman that I was, and at first it was difficult for me to accept. I was uncomfortable with him opening doors and pulling my chair out, it just made me feel lesser of a person, but then I realized that it had nothing to do with inferiority. Edward was surprisingly just a very romantic chivalrous man, and despite my upbringing, I found myself absolutely loving being taken care of in those ways. I was still headstrong and independent in every other aspect of my life, but with him I just saw the gestures as a form of affection.

We spent every night tangled together, but it was much more intimate than it was before. Our legs were twisted, our arms wrapped around the other, and our fingers intertwined. I knew I was cursing myself because I had no idea how I would ever be able to sleep without him again. It was hard enough to sleep without him after he stopped sneaking in through my window as a teenager, but being alone again after sleeping naked and pressed against him was going to be pure torture.

"Ms. Dwyer, you have a visitor," my assistant said. I was going by my mother's maiden name because there was no way I could go by Swan. My mother did give me my father's surname when I was born, but since returning to Isabella, I needed a different last name as well. Alice had always gone by her father's last name Brandon, so there was never any worry of anyone knowing we were really sisters. Alice and I had always kept that fact to ourselves, long before our latest charade, simply because our mother was crazy and she had told us it was important to keep those types of things secret. I didn't understand it then, and I didn't understand it as an adult, but it was always that way so it was normal to us. Rose was Alice's best friend and I had known her casually for a few years, but even she never knew Alice and I were sisters, which currently worked to our advantage.

"Thanks Tia." I smiled thinking it was Edward, so when Alice came into view I was disappointed but kept smiling anyway so she wouldn't get offended. "Hey, what's up?" I asked because she hardly ever visited me at work.

"Shit is about to hit the fan," she said quickly.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a panic.

"Charlie is coming down next weekend for a visit and to do his tux fittings, and Emmett is having a BBQ at his place and Edward already told him that you two will be there."

Yep, I was definitely panicking.

"Oh my god, what are we going to do?" I asked in almost a whisper.

"You have to make something up; you have to figure out an excuse to get out of it."

But I knew that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't run forever; my time with Edward was up.

"No Alice, that won't work. It doesn't matter if I'm there or not, Emmett will talk to Charlie about the wedding, I'm sure Rose won't be able to shut up about it. She'll mention me and my name, and Charlie will know that Ben didn't have a sister named Isabella Dwyer. And you, I'm sure he knows that Ben's sister's name was Alice Brandon, he'll recognize you, and then he'll mention it to Emmett, and then it'll all come out. Alice I'm so sorry, I can't believe I got you into this."

Alice was quiet while she tried to come up with a solution, but I knew there wasn't one. I felt horrible; I never fully comprehended what my lie would do to her, but now I ruined both of us.

Alice shook her head. "We haven't lost anything yet, but it _is_ time to come clean. I can't lie to Jasper anymore, and I won't. But I will give you time to tell Edward first. I'll give you the rest of the week to find the right way, but then I'm spilling everything."

"You're right," I said quietly and nodded.

Alice wrapped her petite arms around my shoulders, and then I realized that I was shaking. I was absolutely terrified and even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't stop the fear of my inevitable separation from the man who was my life. Like when we were kids, we became completely codependent, and I knew neither of us would get past my betrayal this time.

I took the rest of the day off, and headed home in a daze. I felt sick, and there was no way I'd be able to function at work anyway. I looked at the condo that Edward and I shared; all of our stuff was mixed and combined as if we had lived together forever, and I just broke down sobbing. I hadn't cried since I was a child, but I couldn't stop the tears from overtaking me at that moment.

I went to Edward's bedroom, which had become _our_ bedroom, and I laid in our bed and just hugged his pillow as I saturated it with my tears. I felt a loss similar to someone dying, because I knew the short-lived life I had built with Edward was about to end. He was everything, and without him there was absolutely nothing left.

I had no idea how long I laid there for, maybe I fell asleep, maybe I just laid there of hours awake and didn't notice the passing time, I couldn't be sure. Eventually, my sobs stopped and my body went numb, so when his hands caressed my face, I wasn't sure if it was real or not. But he was real, and he was there…it was time.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked sweetly concerned as he ran his fingers through my knotted hair. "I went by your work, but they said you went home for the day." His voice was practically a coo, and as he pulled me closer I couldn't help but melt into him. He smelled so good, and his touch was more tender than I would have ever expected he was capable of.

"Just hold me," I whispered. I knew I had to tell him, but I needed to feel him one last time, I needed to say goodbye before he had a chance to push me away.

"If something happened to you, you need to tell me," he said protectively.

"Nothing happened, I just need you close right now."

He nuzzled his face closer to mine, and then he kissed me softly. "I love you." He said the words so quietly that I almost didn't hear them, but there wasn't a doubt that he actually said it.

I looked up at him but he pressed his forehead against mine and held me even tighter. "I never said that to anyone before, because I never felt this way before. As much as it scares the shit out of me, I just need you to know that. I really can't even remember my life before you, and I don't want to either. I really have no idea what I'd do if I lost you."

And then a new wave of tears overcame me. I wasn't used to allowing anyone to see my emotions, I was good at hiding my deepest desires and fears, but I couldn't hide how much I loved him, and above everything else, I needed him to know that.

"I love you too, more than you'll ever know," I whispered. Even after all the lies were exposed, I really hoped he knew in his heart that I'd never lie about that.

He pressed his silky lips to mine, and before I had time to really think, we were making love. I didn't remember taking our clothes off, but he moved into me slowly to savor every last second of it, as if he somehow knew it was the last time as much as I did. I forced myself to focus on his movements, to burn that memory of him into my brain so I could carry it with me for the rest of my life. I would never love another the way I loved him, it wasn't even possible.

The whole day had been so emotionally draining that I unintentionally fell asleep afterwards, and I didn't wake until the next morning. He was still sleeping when my eyes opened, so I spent the next several minutes just basking in his incredible presence. I was trying to soak in his aura like a sponge, hoping to take a part of it with me when he kicked me out of his life. He woke far too soon and his brilliant smile lit up the entire room, and it was impossible not to smile back at him.

"Good morning," he murmured.

"Good morning," I said softly back.

We kissed and he pulled me into him, but I couldn't keep putting it off, so as much as I wanted to stay in his arms forever, I got up and started getting dressed.

"There's no work today, it's Saturday," he said with a yawn.

"I'm going to go make breakfast," I said quickly, and when I was finished putting my clothes on, I practically ran out of the room.

I threw together some omelets and toast just as Edward strutted out of the bedroom wearing my favorite sweats and a white tank. I couldn't help but think about the fact that it was the last time that I'd see him dressed in such a way, and I briefly got lost in his utter perfection.

"Shit!" I said as I cut my finger. I was grating the cheese for the omelet and I was so distracted by Edward's beauty that I didn't even notice when my finger got too close to the blades.

"Oh god, are you ok?" He ran to my rescue, like the gallant knight he was, and he grabbed my hand right away to evaluate the damage.

"It's not that bad," I said, trying to pull away.

"I don't think you'll need stitches, but I'll get you a band aid."

He ran towards the bathroom and was back in less than fifteen seconds, ripping the paper off the bandage. "Here," he said and reached for my hand.

"I can do it myself," I said pathetically, but he just smirked and continued. When the cut was safely covered, he kissed the wound, and then proceeded to kiss every finger on my hand. When he was finished he dropped that hand and then began kissing the other, starting with my little finger and then slowly moving to the ring finger. But when he got to my pointer finger, he used a bit more tongue. "Ewe, what are you doing?" I asked with a giggle.

"I love your hands."

"I bet you just love the way my lotion tastes."

"It's not lotion, its just you. Every part of you tastes good."

"How many of your previous girlfriends have you said that to?" I teased halfheartedly.

"None, just you babe." He held up my hand and spread my fingers, but for a reason that wasn't immediately clear, he suddenly froze.

"What?" I asked slightly amused by his strangely serious face.

"What the hell is on your hand?" he asked with an unexpected hostile edge to his voice.

"What do you mean?" I asked and pulled out of his grasp so I could get a closer look at what he was talking about.

And then I remembered the thin scar that ran the length of my palm.

_Shit._

….

"_Hurry up Ben, you're so slow!" Edward called to me from a few yards ahead as we were running to our meadow to have one of our 'secret club' meetings._

_When we were eleven years old, there wasn't much that was more important to us than our club house, which was located in an isolated meadow up in the mountains behind my house._

"_I'm coming. I just don't want to waste all my energy on running as fast as I can go."_

"_Yeah right, you only say that because you're not as fast as me and you can't keep up," he goaded. _

"_Not only can I keep up, but I can run way faster than you. I just don't want to."_

"_Yeah right. I'm the fastest around; no one can keep up with me."_

"_You wish," I said and then pushed my body as fast as it could go in order to try to outrun him. He sped up as well, and we raced the final length of the trail. Edward was faster than me, but he was always so worried about losing, that he'd often look behind himself to see how close I was to catching up. _

"_Edward, LOOK OUT!" I shouted, and he turned forward just in time to trip over a tree root and then fall hard to the forest floor._

"_Are you ok?" I asked concerned._

"_No," he said with tears in his eyes. He held up his hand to show me a gash on his palm, which was bleeding out and dripping to the foliage at our feet._

"_It doesn't look too bad," I said relieved._

"_Yes it does, and now it's going to get infected and they're going to have to cut off my hand."_

"_Don't be such a baby, you're fine."_

"_You don't know that, if you were the one who had a poisonous infection running through your blood, you wouldn't be so calm."_

"_You don't have an infection, besides, infections don't happen right away."_

"_But there was probably some tree virus on the ground, and now it's inside me." _

_It may have been silly, but he was really scared so I did the first thing I could think of. I picked up the sharp twig that had cut him, and I brought it to my own hand, slicing it down my palm. Edward watched me with wide eyes as I didn't even whimper from the pain of the self inflicted gash. _

_My blood started pouring out so I grabbed his still bleeding hand, and I clasped our wounds together tightly. _"_There, now we have the same blood. If you have some poisonous infection, than so do I and we'll die together."_

"_Promise? Because I don't want to go without you."_

"_I promise. You and me, we'll die together."_

…_._

"Why the hell do you have a scar there?" Edward asked with an intensity that I had never seen in him before.

"Edward, I have to tell you something," I said quietly.

"Just tell me how you got the scar."

"I'm trying. When I was eleven…I was running through the forest, and my friend fell…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he said irately.

"Edward, I wanted to tell you sooner…I just didn't know how."

He shook his head. "No…What the fuck are you saying? I don't understand what you're telling me."

"I just need you to know that I've always loved you, and you are the last person who I ever wanted to hurt."

A tear rolled down his cheek as he started grasping what I was telling him. I hated the pain on his face, I wanted to make it go away, I wanted to hold him until the hurt passed...

"Don't touch me," he said as my hand lifted in his direction, so I let it drop. I didn't even intentionally reach for him; it was just a reflex from seeing him so upset. "Don't be cryptic, not now. Tell me the truth, say it, out loud!" he demanded.

I swallowed roughly. "I'm not Ben's sister, and Ben didn't die."

He shook his head absently, and the hurt radiating off of him was unbearable.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you, I love you, I always have…"

"You love me? How could you…how could you even say that after everything? I don't even fucking know you Who the hell are you?"

The tears started flowing down my face then. I lied…a lot, but I always tried to be who I was on the inside. I thought if anyone could see past the masks I wore, it was him. "You know me. I'm the same person I've always been…"

"And who's that? Ben, Isabella, Bella, who? Because I have no fucking clue."

"I'm the person who has _always_ loved you."

He shook his head. "No, you're the person who's lied to me for the past month in a half. What the fuck? Did you honestly think you could just...show back up here and move in with me, and everything would be fine? Where the hell do you get off? ?hat makes you think you can play with my life like that?"

"I just wanted to see you; I just needed to know you were okay. I never planned to move in here, I never thought it would get this far."

"So why did you? Why did you…fake your death? How could you do that to us? Do you have any idea the kind of hell Charlie went through? Do you even care?"

"Of course I care...But I couldn't live like that anymore, I couldn't continue my life like that and I knew Charlie would never let me go."

"Why did he have to?" he exploded. "Why couldn't you just tell him that you wanted to live like...like.._.this_? And how in the hell did you ever think it would be okay to…_sleep_ with me knowing damn well that I'd never want you like that!"

"I never meant for it to happen, you kissed me and I just…"

"I didn't kiss _you_, I kissed someone who I thought was a woman!"

_What?_

"I am a woman."

"No, you're a confused little boy with serious mental issues, and I'm_ not_ gay. The fact that you'd trick me into something like this is just sick."

I was stunned, he couldn't be serious.

"Edward, would you listen to yourself? You know I'm not a boy. We had sex, you've had your mouth on me _down_ there."

"I don't know what kind of fucking surgeries there are these days. If I didn't want you kissing me when we were kids, then why would you ever think I'd be into any of this now? Surgery doesn't change anything. You had no right to…"

I had to stop his rant because he was just way off. "I never had a surgery!" I said forcefully so he'd hear me."I was born a girl, my mother told Charlie that I was a boy, but it wasn't true. I was never a boy. I kissed you back then because I was in love with you, but I wasn't gay. I'm _not_ a transsexual...I'm just finally who I was always supposed to be."

Edward was suddenly very quiet as he listened to me, and his face was set in a hard mask. I had no idea what he was thinking, which absolutely scared the hell out of me.

After several long minutes of deafening silence, I couldn't take it anymore. "Edward, say something."

I had never seen so much hurt in his eyes, but I wasn't going to get anymore of a response because without another word he grabbed his jacket and keys, and walked out of the condo.

After he slammed the door behind himself, the only noise I could hear was the rushing of blood behind my ears as the numbness took over completely. I knew it had to be done, but it shouldn't have been like _that_. He wasn't supposed to figure it out the moment before I was about to tell him; I was supposed to find a better way to break it to him, to try to make it hurt a little less. But I suppose it didn't really matter, the ending result was the same.

He knew the truth, and he left.

As bad as it was, I was well aware that it could have been so much worse. I expected screaming, and throwing things, maybe even him shoving me a little. I knew Edward wasn't the type to push a woman, but I thought after he found out he wouldn't think of me that way. Oddly enough, he almost seemed more upset after learning that I was always a woman than when he thought I was a transsexual. I didn't understand that, but it didn't really matter at that point either. I needed to get out of his home; I needed to get out of his life completely and leave him alone.

"Alice, can you come help me move my things out?" I asked over the phone in a shaky voice.

"You told him," she said quietly. It wasn't a question, it was obvious from the sound of my voice. "Did he hurt you?"

"No. Please just come," I said and then hung up before the grief could sneak its way back. I needed to stay numb because if I allowed myself to start crying again, I knew I'd never be able to stop.

I quickly threw everything I could into boxes, and by the time Alice got there I was almost finished.

"Hey, stop just a minute!" Alice yelled. I didn't even realize she had actually come through the door yet, and apparently she had been speaking to me, but I just was so focused on what I was doing that I didn't notice her whatsoever.

"I need to finish this so he can have his condo back," I insisted.

"Tell me exactly what you said, just so our stories are straight."

"Alice, you didn't even enter the conversation, so until Edward tells Emmett, you're fine."

"Wait, you're not planning to tell Emmett yourself?"

"Alice…" I took a deep breath. "I just don't have it in me to go over everything again right now. I just need some more time, so…I'm going to go back to Jacksonville for a while."

"Bella, you hate Jacksonville."

I shrugged. "I hate being here without him more."

"What did he say when he left?"

"He didn't say anything, he just walked out. He was pissed at me when he first realized who I was, but when I told him I was always a girl he just left like it was the worst possible thing I could have said. I mean, why would he rather me be a transsexual?" I asked confused, but not really expecting Alice to have an answer.

"Because it's an easier lie," she said simply.

"What does that mean?"

"Well you kissed him as a teen, so he probably figured that you were gay; I mean, he probably could have accepted that eventually. Maybe he figured you becoming a woman was the next step, but the fact that it was _all_ a lie was probably just too much for him."

"We've been having sex…a lot. He'd rather know he was doing that with someone who used to be a guy, over someone who lied to him as a kid?"

"Think about it, Bella. You were like his whole life as a kid, his only family, the only one he could ever really count on. The adult he is now could probably handle it if his best buddy decided to have a sex change, but to know you were never who he thought you were...it was probably more than he could handle right then. He is more than likely lost and confused and wondering how much of his childhood was real; he probably doesn't even know which way is up right now."

"How do you know all this?" I asked her, because despite the crazy situation, she was actually making sense.

"Believe it or not, I often question my own sanity. I mean, mom is crazy, and I was raised by her, so…" She shrugged. "I think insane people can sometimes see the odd behavior of other's more clearly, so Edward's perplexing reaction makes sense to me."

"Alice you're not insane."

"Renee wasn't always so bad either. Jasper really wants to have kids someday, but what if being pregnant sparks the craziness or something. My dad really loved her before I was born, what if having me did something to her?"

"Renee always had problems," I disagreed with her.

"But, so do I. Sometimes I do things that I look back on and have no idea what the hell I was thinking. Like when I told you to stay away from Edward and Emmett. I mean, what the hell was that about?"

"You weren't wrong, I should have never come here," I whispered.

"No, I shouldn't have told you to never come here, I _should_ have told you to just tell the truth, and I should have told you that years ago."

"We couldn't tell them because we had to protect Renee," I said mechanically. "It's our job to protect Mom."

"But it was _my_ job to protect _you_. I'm so sorry Bella, I'm so sorry that I wasn't a better big sister to you." She started crying, and I didn't have a choice but to comfort her. I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame and held her as she cried. I wanted to cry with her and tell her it wasn't her fault and I'd never blame her, but I didn't have any tears left inside me. I had to turn off that emotion, because if I would have allowed myself to feel the sadness again, my tears were sure to drown me completely.

After Alice's crying slowed, I let her go and told her I loved her. We finished packing my stuff, and after carrying the boxes down to the garage, I realized that not everything was going to fit in her car.

"We'll just come back later for the rest," she said softly.

I looked at my box full of androgynous clothes and decided enough was enough, and I threw the whole thing in the dumpster.

I didn't know how or when Edward was going to tell Emmett about me, but I just needed to escape before I dealt with the next round of inevitable pain. I took a leave of absence from my job, filled two suitcases full of everyday stuff, and flew back to Florida. I wasn't sure what I was hoping for by going back to visit my mother, but I also couldn't be anywhere else. A part of me wanted to yell and scream at Renee, and blame her for everything that went wrong in my life, but that wouldn't get me anywhere. The woman was mentally insane, and hating her wouldn't accomplish anything except to break the numbness I was desperately hanging on to.


	11. Ch 10 Broken Trust

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 10 – _Broken_ _Trust_~

EPOV

"So, Pops is coming out next week to get his tux fitting, and I'm throwing a big BBQ. You and Bella are going to be there right?" Emmett asked me at lunch. I usually had lunch with Isabella, but she had to work through lunch that day so rather than having a peaceful or productive hour, I got invaded by my pseudo big brother.

"You're really going to put Charlie in a tux?" I asked with an incredulous grin.

"Hell yes, he's wearing a tux. It's my wedding, and this is the one time he'll ever have to do it."

"So basically Rose insisted," I assumed.

"Yeah, basically," he conceded.

"You are so fucking whipped."

"Fuck you. How do you have any room to talk? I see the way you are with Bella, that woman says 'bark like a dog' and you're automatically down on all fours."

"Emmett, you're confusing me with your own actions. I am in control of _my_ woman," I said cockily.

"Right. Is your phone buzzing?"

"Oh shit," I said worried I'd miss the call. I opened the phone and the screen read 'Isabella', and I couldn't help but smile. "Hey babe."

"Hey, sorry I couldn't make it to lunch today."

"That's okay, Em is here keeping me company," I said and looked up to see Emmett mock humping my coat rack. "You're a fucking moron."

"What?" Isabella asked offended.

"No, babe, not you. I was talking to Emmett. It's really hard to talk when there's an oversized man in a cop's uniform fucking a coat rack."

"Yeah, I could see that being difficult," she giggled. I loved the sound of her laugh, in fact, I loved everything about her. But the harder I fell for her, the more worried I became that everything was going to fall apart. The universe only has so much happiness to offer people, and I was sure I had more than my fill in the past weeks.

I knew better than to let myself think it could last; I was a fucking cynic after all. I had already experienced how easily people could be taken away, so I had tried to keep Isabella at arm's length, but I was only kidding myself. I knew I was in love with her, and I knew it was going to hurt like hell when it ended. And it would end eventually, everything ends.

"Well, I just called to see how your lunch was. I'll see you at home," she said with the most amazing voice I had ever heard.

"Ok, I miss you," I said without even thinking.

I could actually hear the smile in her voice when she said "I miss you too."

When I hung up the phone, I slowly lifted my eyes to see Emmett's annoying expression. His face was twisted to make himself look like a lovesick cartoon character, and he was holding a pen in his hands as if it were a flower, while batting his eyes. "Oh Edward, fuck me over the phone. I love you so much, I want to marry you and have ten of your babies." Emmett twirled over to me like a prancing fairy, and he laid across my desk, pushing his chest out towards me. "Oh baby, come and get me, right now."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked him. "Get the hell off my desk before I force you to arrest me for assault on an officer."

"Is that a threat Mr. Masen?" he asked in his foe official voice.

"Why yes, Officer Swan, I think it is. Please, arrest me and put me out of my misery."

"I should fucking arrest you. A night in the slammer would do you some good. You are so fucking in love with Bella, but maybe you need a few nights away from her before you'll admit it to yourself. You know what they say,_ 'absence makes the heart grow fonder_."

"Is that what _your_ problem is? Have I not been spending enough time with you and now you're starving for my attention? Is that why you came here to bug the shit out of me this afternoon?"

"Nah, I just wanted to say 'I told you so'."

"You told me what?"

"I told you that you'd fall in love and it wouldn't matter what the woman's shape is, that you'd love her regardless of her body."

"Well, Isabella's body is perfect. It's easy to be attracted to."

"I do remember you saying a little while ago that her breasts were too small, and you preferred blondes who plastered on their makeup."

"What? I'd never say that… Okay, I did mention something about blondes, but that was just bullshit. And I hate when women wear too much makeup; it's nasty and it gets all over everything."

"And the breasts?" he led me.

"No, I said that before I ever saw Isabella naked. Her body is perfect, and her breasts are properly proportioned to her small frame. Besides, I'd prefer no breasts at all over Tanya's stiff plastic ones."

"Here, here," Emmett agreed. "I'm liking this new Edward. Bella is good for you, I really hope you don't screw it up and lose her. In fact, why don't you just marry her right away to insure that she can't just wake up one morning and realize your tendency to fuck things up."

"Marry her? We've been together less than two months."

"Have you told her that you love her yet?"

"No. I'm not ready to verbalize that fact just yet. Besides, she'd think I was insane, we haven't been together long enough to be feeling shit like that."

"Oh, I really don't think you have to worry about her thinking you're insane. The woman is head over heels for you. Tell her how you feel, I know she feels the same but doesn't want to be the first to say it."

"I just don't want to fuck this up. I really don't know what I'd do if I scared her off because I did something stupid like telling her I love her too soon."

"You won't scare her off, trust me."

I really fucking hoped not.

I thought about my conversation with Emmett for the rest of the day. Were Isabella and I really ready for the whole _love_ talk? I didn't know, but either way, I felt it and I was scared to death of losing it. I decided to leave a little early and stop by her work. I hated not seeing her at lunch, so I didn't even want to wait the extra couple of hours before we would meet at home. When I got there, however, her assistant said she already left for the day. I thought that was strange, but I shrugged it off and hoped she was at home.

When I walked into the condo I couldn't help but smile at the sight of her keys resting in the bowl where I kept mine, so I set my keys down with hers, and started looking around for her. I didn't have to look long; I found her sleeping in our bedroom, so I figured she must not have been feeling well, but I didn't care, I'd gladly catch any cold or flu she had just to be able to kiss her.

I gently caressed her face and ran my fingers through her somewhat knotted hair, and I couldn't help but feel lucky. After being such a horrid ass to her brother all those years ago, I wondered what I could have possibly done right to deserve having her lying in my bed. She took my breath away as I watched her there, and suddenly I wondered if perhaps I didn't have to lose her after all. Perhaps it wouldn't end. Perhaps somewhere, somehow, Ben forgave me for what happened, and he actually sent her to me because he knew just how badly I needed someone.

She started stirring, and then her eyelids opened to reveal her endlessly deep chocolate eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?" I murmured. "I went by your work, but they said you went home for the day."

"Just hold me," she said softly, which worried me. She didn't seem sick, but something had definitely upset her and I was suddenly overcome with a desperate need to protect her from whatever the hell happened.

"If something happened to you, you need to tell me."

"Nothing happened, I just need you close right now." I didn't understand what was wrong, but I trusted her completely, and I was sure she'd tell me if something major happened.

I pulled her into me and just held her close, trying to calm whatever she was upset about. "I love you." I wasn't planning on telling her that, it just came out. I hated seeing her in that state, and I needed her to know how I felt so she was certain that there was _nothing_ I wouldn't do for her. Emmett was right, I loved her, and there wasn't anything that would ever change that so I was done being afraid and running from it.

She looked up at me and seemed a little startled by my confession, so I decided to explain further. "I never said that to anyone before, because I never felt this way before. As much as it scares the shit out of me, I just need you to know that. I really can't even remember my life before you, and I don't want to either. I have no idea what I'd do if I lost you."

She started crying, and my first thought was –_Shit. _The last thing I wanted to do was make her cry, but then I understood. "I love you too, more than you'll ever know," she whispered through her tears. I didn't expect to hear her say that; I didn't confess my feelings hoping she would reciprocate, but she did and it was the most amazing feeling in the world.

It wasn't possible to have an exchange like that without showing how much I meant it. We had been making love for weeks, but after saying the words out loud the act was much more intense, because neither of us had a doubt about the other's feelings at that point. I loved her, and she loved me, nothing was more important than that fact.

After she fell asleep in my arms, I knew I was going to love her for the rest of my life. Maybe Emmett was on to something when he said I should just marry her right away. People dated because they weren't sure about the person they were with, and once they were sure they got married. Since I was utterly positive there was nothing that would ever drive me from Isabella and no one I'd ever want more, what was the point in waiting? All the fear I had about love and commitment completely washed away. I was finally ready to take it head on and never look back, and for the first time in my life, I was excited at what the future held for me.

Since having her in my bed, I never had a problem sleeping anymore; I needed her to sleep, and I was beyond relieved that I no longer worried about losing her. I woke up the next morning to her beautiful face looking at me, and there was no way I couldn't smile at that.

We said good morning and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't hoping for some morning sex, but she jumped out of bed, dressed, and practically ran to the kitchen. She almost seemed eager to get away from me, but I quickly brushed away that thought. I wasn't about to allow my paranoid cynical side come back out and think there was something wrong. We both just admitted that we loved each other, nothing could possibly be wrong after that.

"Shit!" she yelled suddenly after cutting her finger on the cheese grater. Of course my overprotective side came out and overreacted, but after I was sure she only needed a band aid, I quickly got one and wrapped it around her cut. I loved her hands. They were so petite and feminine and there were few greater pleasures in life than kissing her perfect fingers. I couldn't help it, it was more than a need, I had to kiss every last finger. When I was finished with her wounded hand, I moved on the other and began kissing it as well.

I fully intended to make sure there wasn't an inch of her perfect hands that I hadn't kissed, when I noticed something that practically made my heart stop.

"What?" she asked, because I was pretty sure that I wasn't breathing at that point.

"What the hell is on your hand?" I asked as I squinted my eyes, hoping I wasn't really seeing a thin scar on her palm...but there was definitely a scar. I thought about the scar on my own hand and the day I got it, and my mind started running away with me. Surely it was just a coincidence, surely there was a logical explanation for her scar. Maybe she cut herself while cooking; I just saw her get hurt in the kitchen, she could have just been a klutz. In that case, I'd have to completely take over all cooking from then on because I hated her being hurt.

But my gut wouldn't stop turning, and I was terrified that I actually knew why.

"Why the hell do you have a scar there?"

Any explanation would be better than what I was thinking; anything she said at all would be a relief because my mind was screaming the answer at me, but I was vehemently trying to ignore it.

"Edward, I have to tell you something," she said quietly.

"Just tell me how you got the scar," I insisted.

"I'm trying. When I was eleven…I was running through the forest, and my friend fell…"

_No, god, please no. _"What the hell are you talking about?" I spat.

"Edward, I wanted to tell you sooner…I just didn't know how."…."I just need you to understand that I've always loved you, and you are the last person who I ever wanted to hurt."

How the fuck could this be happening? How could everything shift so drastically? I was thinking that anything was possible, but in that realm of possibility I never considered _this_. Or maybe I did, maybe somewhere deep down I always knew it was true. Too many similarities, too many red flags, and far too strong of a connection for us to have been strangers. _God, how could I have been so stupid?_

She reached her hand towards me, but that just pissed me off; there was no way I could handle her hand being anywhere near me at that moment. I was barely hanging on to sanity, and any physical contact was sure to send me over the edge.

"Don't be cryptic, not now. Tell me the truth, say it, out loud." I didn't really need to hear her say it because I already knew, but perhaps I was hanging on to the shred of a possibility that I was misunderstanding her.

"I'm not Ben's sister, and Ben didn't die."

I didn't misunderstand her. She was actually Ben.

I felt sick, I felt like my whole world just came crumbling down only to shatter against the ground. I didn't know how to think or what to feel, and I had never been more lost in my entire life.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you, I love you, I always have…"

Was she fucking serious? I started fuming. "You love me? How could you…how could you even say that after everything? I don't even fucking know you. Who the hell are you?"

"You know me. I'm the same person I've always been…"

"And who's that? Ben, Isabella, Bella, who? Because I have no fucking clue."

"I'm the person who has _always_ loved you."

I couldn't just stand there and listen to that bullshit. She had been lying for the past two months, and there was no way I'd be able to believe anything she had to say at that point. I was so angry and disgusted that I didn't know if I should kill her, or go scrub my body and try to wash away the remnants of my escapades with a transsexual. Perhaps I should go to the closest church and beg for an impromptu baptism. Maybe, before anything else, I needed to vomit all over the condo, followed by burning of all the sheets and blankets.

"I never meant for that to happen, you kissed me and I just…" she said, which just pissed me off even more. _Was she really blaming all this on me?_

"I didn't kiss _you_, I kissed someone who I thought was a woman!"

"I _am_ a woman."

"No, you're a confused little boy with serious mental issues, and I'm_ not_ gay. The fact that you'd trick me into something like this is just sick." It wasn't even about Ben deciding to become a women, that I probably could have handled, but all the lies and manipulation was beyond repulsive. At that point, I wasn't even sure what I was most angry at; the fact that he engaged in a physical relationship with me and never told me the truth about who he really was, or that he put us all through hell when he faked his own death. So many wasted years mourning someone who wasn't even dead, someone who chose to leave and never look back. I had lived in a constant state of regret and self hatred for the things I did to him, and it was all for nothing. Hell, maybe this was all just some sick elaborate payback scheme. How could he do that to me? How could he do that to his dad and brother? They certainly didn't deserve the pain he put them through.

"Edward, would you listen to yourself? You know I'm not a boy. We had sex; you've had your mouth on me _down_ there."

"I don't know what the fuck kind of surgeries there are these days. If I didn't want you kissing me when we were kids, then why would you ever think I'd be into any of this now? Surgery doesn't change anything. You had no right to…"

"I never had a surgery! I was born a girl; my mother told Charlie that I was a boy, but it wasn't true. I was never a boy. I kissed you back then because I was in love with you, but I wasn't gay. I'm _not_ transsexual, I'm just finally who I was always supposed to be."

So many lies; it was hard to know what the truth was even when it was staring me in the face. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever, except, looking back on it, I suppose it actually did make sense. So many things I didn't understand back then all became clear with that significant realization. Of course she was really a woman, despite my irrational thoughts I sincerely did know that, and maybe deep down I always did...but what the hell did that mean for Ben?

The last few months weren't the lie, the real lie started years ago when we were children. My whole life was shaped by my childhood, and my childhood centered on Ben, who never really existed to begin with. If Ben didn't exist, then who the hell was I? I thought we were closer than anything, I thought Ben was the one person who I could trust, but he wasn't, and I knew then that there was absolutely no one in the world who was trustworthy. Without trust, what was the fucking point to anything?

"Edward, say something."

What the fuck did she want me to say? My whole universe was spinning out of control and I had no idea how to stop it. I woke up that morning thinking I knew the path my life was on, I could finally see my future and it was amazing and there was nothing I wanted more, but now I was left cold and bitter and so beyond pissed that I was mislead. I wasn't even angry at Ben right then, not really anyway, I was pissed at the universe for dealing me yet another fucked up hand, and proving once again that there was nothing good or true in the world. It was like getting punched in the gut; I couldn't breathe properly and my mind couldn't focus on anything but the pain.

I needed to escape. I needed a place to hide from the unbearable torture I was feeling. The pain was worse than anything I had ever experienced before, and I had no idea how I was going to survive it..but what I _did _know was that I'd never be the same again. I was right not to make myself vulnerable by loving anyone. Humans as a species were cruel and conniving, and the best thing I could have ever done was build a stone wall around myself, and I'd make damn sure that no one was able to bust through it again.

I felt hollow inside, and I had no idea where to go. I drove around for hours and it was a miracle that I didn't crash the car, because I wasn't paying attention to the road whatsoever. I didn't want to be around anyone so I didn't go to a bar, but I couldn't stand the idea of breathing the same air as IsaBen, so I couldn't go home either. I drove all night, but by morning I realized that I hadn't really gone anywhere.

The next thing I knew it was the afternoon, and I was in the parking garage of my condo and seemed to just be waking up. I didn't remember falling asleep or even driving home, but I couldn't stay there forever so I numbly got out and walked up to the condo.

I wasn't ready to face her, but a part of me hoped she was still there. _A very small part._ I was so furious and felt so betrayed, but at the same time, I still cared about her. I loved her as Ben, and I loved her as Isabella, so it wasn't really possible to stop loving her just because she was the same person. but how could I just forget what happened? The answer was easy, I couldn't. I'd never forget the lies, and I'd never forgive either. I wasn't a forgiving person, and I knew the angry fire inside of me would never be extinguished.

I slowly walked inside and was both relieved and slightly worried when I found it empty. I looked closer and noticed that her stuff was all gone as well, which for some reason just pissed me off even more. I knew it was irrational, given my anger and all around hatred towards her, but I suddenly felt abandoned on top of everything else. I knew I was the one who took off, but I came back, and it was obvious that she had no plans to ever come back.

Well, fuck her.

I didn't need her anyway. I didn't need anyone.

…..

"_Eric," Mike said._

"_Jacob," Ben said. _

"_What the hell, Ben?" I asked, hurt. Mike and Ben were the captains, and they were taking turns picking their baseball teams. Naturally, I thought Ben would pick me first, but he picked that tanned skinned freak?_

"_Tyler," Mike picked._

"_Edward," Ben called. I grudgingly grabbed my glove and kicked the dirt as I walked over to stand with Ben and Jacob. Mike and Ben continued to call out players, but I was so pissed that I didn't even care who was on our team._

"_What the hell is wrong with you?" Ben asked me as I sat sulking on our bench, waiting for my turn to bat._

"_Why the hell did you pick Jacob over me?"_

"_What difference does it make? We're on the same team."_

"_It makes a difference because we were supposed to be best friends."_

"_We _are_ best friends, why are you so upset?"_

"_I should have been your first pick, not that dog."_

"_Look, Jake is the best hitter, I just wanted to get him before Mike had a chance to."_

"_Mike did have a chance, he had first pick. But Mike chose Eric, because Eric is his best friend."_

"_Jeeze Edward, I knew you'd still be on my team, I just don't get why you're so pissed."_

"_I'm pissed because you should have chosen me FIRST!" I grabbed my glove and stormed off the field. If he didn't want me around, then I sure as hell didn't want to be around him either._

"_Edward, wait, where are you going?"_

"_Like you care."_

"_I do care. Ok, I'm sorry I picked Jake first, I won't do it again."_

"_Damn right you won't because we're not friends anymore, and I'm done playing that stupid game."_

"_Fine, if you're not playing, then neither am I."_

_I didn't look back, I just kept walking. Even though I refused to look, I could hear the crunching of his feet on the gravel behind me as we both walked angrily away from the field. But it didn't matter that I was mad at him, or if he thought I was being a baby, because I always trusted that he'd be there when I turned around. He was always there, that was just the type of friendship we had. We could get mad at each other and even say some really hurtful things, but at the end of the day we were best friends and nothing would change that._

_Except everything changes._

…

I opened the liquor cabinet, and pulled out the aged scotch. I hadn't drank much since Isabella moved in with me, I never felt the need to, but _that_ occasion definitely called for a stiff drink. I just sat in the living room and drank until I was as numb physically as I was emotionally, and then I drank some more. When I finished the scotch I moved on to the brandy, and then the whisky. I was sure half of it spilled on the floor because I couldn't see clearly enough to pour it into the glass properly, but I didn't care.

Eventually, I passed out. I had no idea how long I was unconscious for, but when I did wake up I got up to piss, and then I drank some more until I passed out again.

I never heard the pounding at the door, and I had no idea that Emmett had come into my condo either. It was like he just appeared, and he immediately started yelling at me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he roared at me as he took in my intoxicated state.

"Nothing is wrong with me, I'm exactly where I always should have been," I said with slurred words.

"Did you and Bella break up or something?" he guessed; obviously Ms. Ben didn't pay him a visit. I really thought she would have gone there after leaving my place, but then again, Ben was just a lying fucking coward, and I doubt she ever had any intention on telling her brother and father she was actually alive.

"Who gives a fuck about Isabella?" I said bitterly as I tried to get the cap off the tequila.

"Man, I haven't seen you like this since right after Ben died." He grabbed the bottle out of my fumbling hands and set it down out of my reach. Fucking jerk.

"Ben? Ben? Let me tell you something about Ben. Ben, was a pussy." And then I started laughing at my double meaning. My brain was all foggy and I couldn't think, but I was finding the conversation terribly amusing.

"Look, I don't give a shit what happened between you and Bella, but don't start talking crap about Ben. He doesn't deserve that, especially from you."

I became serious for a minute, because there was no way that 'Ben' deserved Emmett's defense. "You know what, I'm so tired of fucking Ben…." And then I started laughing uncontrollably again. "Fucking Ben," I repeated mid-laugh.

"You're fucking crazy," Emmett said concerned. "Seriously, I think you need some mental help."

_Did I?_ Yeah, I probably did, but there was no way in hell I'd admit that to him.

"I'm not the one with mental issues around here. You want to talk crazy? Go interview _Bella_; I'm sure she can give you enough information to fill a fucking novel," I said bitterly. I was no longer laughing, and I couldn't feel the numbing effects of the alcohol nearly enough anymore. I was done, and I needed to leave again, this time for good.

"Where the hell are you going?" Em asked me as I started throwing my clothes in a suitcase.

"Anywhere but here," I replied emotionlessly.

"For how long?"

"Indefinitely."

"You can't just leave; you have work…and my wedding is coming up."

"Look, I'm sorry about your wedding, but I'm not going to be able to make it."

"What? You're my best man, what the fuck do you mean _you won't be able to make it_?"

"Emmett, I'm not coming back, and you need to find a different best man."

"Ok, that's not going to happen. Now you have to tell me what the fuck happened," he said sternly.

"It doesn't matter; I just need to leave it all behind. I need to forget about everything - Isabella, my job, this city, _fucking Ben_, and even you."

"I didn't do shit to you, so why the hell would you want to cut me out of your life?"

"I just need to start over somewhere else. I need a new life, and I need it now." I threw a few more things in my suitcase, but I didn't plan on bringing much. I didn't want any memories of what I was leaving behind, and that included clothes. I just needed some basics, just enough to last me until I got wherever I was going, and then I'd throw those away too.

"Would you stop packing and tell me what the fuck happened?" Emmett asked worriedly. I hated that I was being so vague and leaving Emmett without a proper explanation, but the truth wasn't mine to divulge and I sure as hell wasn't going to take that burden on. How and when my buddy Ben wanted to tell Emmett and Charlie the truth was none of my business. I cared about Emmett and Charlie both immensely, but it wasn't my place and despite my feelings, I just couldn't drop that kind of bomb, they deserved to be told by Ben _her_self.

"You want an explanation, ask Bella."

"I'm asking _you_."

"But I can't answer you. You saved my life all those years ago Emmett, you really did. And for that...I'll always be _ungrateful_. I really wish you would have let me fucking kill myself."

"Whatever happened, I'll help you work through it bro. Don't just take off on me; I can't lose another brother," he said in almost a panic.

"But we were never brothers," I said quietly.

"You became my brother after Ben died."

"I can't replace something that was never real to begin with."

"What does that mean?"

"You'll find out soon enough."

"Edward, I won't let you hurt yourself again."

"What are you going to do? Keep me locked in your apartment again, watch over me twenty four-seven? How the hell do you think Rose will feel about that?"

"She'll understand."

I sighed. "I'm not going to kill myself Emmett, I swear. I just need to start over somewhere else, someplace without all the constant reminders. Please, just let me go."

He shook his head, but I knew he wasn't going to fight me anymore on it.

"You really are the best friend I _ever_ had, and I truly mean that. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend to you." I said quietly, and then I walked away from him.

I knew from the first time that I kissed Isabella that I'd never survive losing her, and I was absolutely right. I couldn't survive in that life anymore, I needed to hide someplace until the pain ended, and then I needed to start over. I'd always miss Emmett, but I had to let go of everyone and everything that was connected to Isabella and Ben...it was the only way I'd ever be able to function again.


	12. Ch 11 Time to Think

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 11 – _Time to Think_~

BPOV

I hated Florida. The air was so humid and heavy, and it was entirely too far from my family.

Although I had been in Florida for a couple months, I had yet to visit Renee; I wasn't exactly sure why I was putting it off, but I just couldn't bring myself to go see her. I got a job selling various items over the phone. It was monotonous, boring work, but at least it was better than working in fast food. I refused to apply for any jobs that would be in my career field simply because I didn't plan on being in Florida permanently; I just needed a small income to get me by.

I talked to Alice several times a week on phone, and she was constantly hounding me about going back to Washington to talk to Emmett, but then she'd always end the conversation with - _"Well, it's your life, do what you think is best._" She did finally tell Jasper the truth, and even though he was upset at first, he agreed to let me reveal the secret to my brother in my own time. I knew it had to be hard on him though, Emmett was his best friend, and I felt horrible that I was allowing another person to lie for me, but I just needed some time to figure everything out. Jasper said that Edward had left town as well, therefore I spent my dull work days obsessed with worry about him. Neither Jasper nor Emmett were sure where he was, and I was terrified that I had completely ruined his life. I was terrified that he'd hurt himself again, whether intentionally or by accident, but either way, I ached for him and knew that pain would never be alleviated.

And then everything got worse.

I started feeling sick all the time and I'd spend entire days in bed, unable to move without vomiting all over my tiny studio apartment. I thought I had the flu, but it lasted way too long to be the flu. I knew I should go to the doctor, but I didn't exactly have health insurance and I was sure the illness would pass. But it didn't pass.

"Oh Bella, you're pregnant," Alice said the moment she walked into my apartment. She had called every day that I was sick, and when I didn't get better after two weeks, she flew out to force me to go to the doctor.

"Pregnant? No, how could I be pregnant?" I asked surprised by her assumption.

She lifted one eyebrow as to say 'really', but I didn't need to hear her say it.

"I know _how_ people get pregnant Alice; I just don't know how I would have gotten pregnant. I haven't had sex in months….No; this is just a virus, or something."

"Bella, you _were_ having sex constantly. Did you ever use protection?"

"I…We…" S_hit_.

No, I guess we never did use anything, and to be honest, I never even thought about it. I knew how babies were made, but the first time we were together, was completely unplanned so protection was the last thing on my mind, and I never thought about it afterwards either. What the hell kind of idiot was I? And what the hell kind of idiot was Edward? He had been with a bunch of women before me, did he not use protection with any of them? He probably had a whole bunch of illegitimate children all over the country.

I felt sick, and it had nothing to do with my illness.

"You need to go to the doctor," Alice insisted.

"No, I can't afford it. Besides, the last time I was with Edward was like two months ago. If I was pregnant, wouldn't I have been feeling sick sooner?"

"When was your last period?"

I tried to remember, but I had no idea. "I don't usually keep track of it too well. When it comes, it comes," I shrugged.

"Bella, that's not good. Every woman is supposed to know when her last period was."

"Well, excuse me for not having a mother to teach shit like that to me," I said bitterly.

"Look, I'll pay for the doctor….I'll just bill Edward later."

"No Alice, you can't bill Edward for my doctor's appointment," I said incredulously. Why would she even say that?

"If you're pregnant, then I certainly can bill him for it. It's his baby, so he needs to pay for it."

"Okay, one, no one knows where he is, and two, if I am pregnant, than it's inside me, so it's _my _baby."

"And you have no money. The baby is just as much his as it's yours, and he has plenty of money. Why should you have to pay for the whole thing, when you barely make rent?"

"No one knows where he is, and he absolutely hates me. No, I'm not going to try to find him for any reason. He obviously wants to be alone, so I'm going to leave him alone."

Alice shook her head. "If you are pregnant, then we're going to find him and you are going to tell him. We've both seen what lies can do, and there is no way in hell he should be kept in the dark about something as major as becoming a father."

"That's assuming that I'd keep the pregnancy," I said quietly.

"You wouldn't," she said understanding my meeting.

"Alice, I can't have a baby. What the hell do I know about being a mother? I have Renee as a role model, and I'll be damned if I mess up any kid's life the way she messed with ours."

"Bella, you are the one who told me that Renee is insane, but that has nothing to do with us. Remember?"

"But what if I was wrong, what if we do have some crazy gene? I can't do that to a baby."

"Let me just make you the appointment. I'll pay for it, you don't have to pay me back, and I won't go after Edward for the money either. But if you are pregnant, you do have to tell him."

"I don't have to tell him, because I'm _not_ having a baby," I said, mostly to myself.

The next day, I went to the local clinic and sat nervously as I waited for my name to be called.

"I wish Jazz was here, he always has a way to calm people," Alice said as she held my hand tightly.

"You really love him, don't you?" I said knowingly.

"He's the best man I know. I just hate that he has to lie to his friend for me."

"No, he's lying for _me,_ and I know that it's wrong. I'm so sorry to put you both in that position Alice," I said sincerely. "Thanks for being here with me."

She kissed the side of my head and then pulled me into her. It was odd resting my head on her shoulder when she was so much smaller than me, but it did make me feel a little better.

"Isabella Swan," the nurse called.

Legally, my last name was still Swan, but I always cringed hearing it. I was always worried that someone would hear it and figure everything out, despite the fact I was on the opposite side of the country from anyone who would care.

"Well, you're blood pressure is a little high, but nothing to worry about at the moment. Lie back," the doctor instructed. She stood over me and started pushing on my lower abdomen. "Your uterus is enlarged. Without a blood test or an ultrasound, I'd say you were about three months along."

"Three months along in what?" I asked like an idiot.

"Isabella, I'm concerned that you could have skipped your period this long and not noticed. If stress is causing you to be forgetful, than you need to find a way to calm down. Stress is dangerous for both you and the baby. I'm going to do a quick ultrasound, and then we can discuss your options."

"I haven't put on any weight, how could I be three months pregnant?" I asked hoping she was mistaking.

"Well, at three months, some women don't put on weight yet, especially if there has been vomiting. But your stress can add to that as well. I'm going to be giving you a free bottle of prenatal vitamins, and you need to take them religiously."

She left the room briefly, and returned with a nurse and an ultrasound machine. She lifted my blue cover up and squirted something cold on my stomach. I looked at Alice in a panic, but she just squeezed my hand and smiled reassuringly. The doctor moved the wand over my stomach, and then an odd grey image came on the computer screen next to me.

"And there it is," the doctor said quickly.

"Is that the baby?" Alice asked. I looked up at my sister and saw that she actually had tears in her eyes.

"Yep, and it's active already."

I looked at the screen, and saw something moving in the center of the dark blob. I nearly lost it.

"No, no, I can't be pregnant. Not now, not like _this_," I said in a panic.

"You are twelve weeks along, the heartbeat is strong…." everything else was a blur. I knew right away that my last period must have been a few weeks after Edward and I got together. I remembered then that we were experimenting with different ways to have sex because I refused to do it the traditional way when I was on my period. I must have gotten pregnant a couple weeks after that, and just didn't think about my missed period.

I could only hear loud swooshing behind my ears, and my vision was going dark. How could I let this happen, and what the hell was I going to do?

The appointment was finished and we walked out to the car, but I had no idea what happened in-between. I was vaguely aware that I was holding something in my hand, but I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't speak, I couldn't, I just sat there silently as Alice drove us home.

"I'm going to call Jasper," Alice said as she led me to my bed.

"What? No, you can't. I'm not going to keep it Alice, so I don't want anyone knowing."

"Bella, I know you're scared, but don't make a rash decision. Just think about it for a while. I'm just going to call Jasper and ask him if he has any ideas as to where Edward could have possibly gone."

I couldn't contain it anymore, I just started bawling. I really hated the idea of an abortion, but I couldn't fathom becoming a mother. I knew nothing about being a mother, and if there was a chance that I could be crazy like Renee, then it would be better if the baby was never born in the first place. Craziness could be genetic, and the world didn't need any more crazy people.

Alice put her arms around me to hug me tightly, and just held me until my crying slowed. I loved her to death, but I really wanted Edward's arms around me at that moment, I needed him to be telling me that everything was going to be ok, but he hated me, so how would he react to this news?

Alice eventually flitted off to go call Jasper, and I couldn't help but be jealous of their unconditional relationship. They were loyal to each other first and foremost, and if Alice asked him not to say anything, I knew he wouldn't. They had no secrets and told each other everything, and I wished more than anything that I could have been that way for Edward. I never wanted to lie to him, but I didn't know how to tell him the truth either.

I suddenly became angry. I always tried really hard not to hate Renee, but I couldn't contain it in that moment. Edward didn't deserve my lies, and it wasn't fair that I was forced to do it as a child. But then again, lying to Edward as an adult was all my doing. I chose not to tell him who I really was, and I couldn't blame that on Renee. My anger went away as quick as it came. I wasn't really mad at Renee anyway, I was mad at myself.

"I'm going out for a bit," I told Alice as I walked past her. She was sitting on the steps outside my apartment, still talking to Jasper.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asked in a panic. "Jasper said that Emmett might know where Edward is. Don't go get an abortion right now."

"I'm not going to get an abortion right now, I just need to go do something that I've put off for far too long."

"Bella?"

"Just trust me, I'll be fine."

I went to the mental hospital, and waited for them to bring Renee into the visiting area.

"Oh, look, there's my daughter," Renee said loudly as the nurse brought her into the room.

"Hi mom," I said with a halfhearted smile.

"Bella, I'm so glad you're here. I have to warn you."

"Warn me about what?"

"Remember when you were little, and I had to dress you up as a boy for a few weeks to protect you from the mobsters?"

"Mom," I said while closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Just listen, this is important. The mobsters wanted to kill you because we witnessed them murdering someone, remember?" I shook my head no, but she continued anyway. "I had to send you to your father, but they were hunting you down, so I had to dress you as a boy for a few weeks…but I know now that I was wrong."

"You do?" I asked hopefully. If she understood that she was wrong, at least it was a step towards getting better.

"Yes, they weren't mobsters…they were vampires. Bella, you have to hide because the vampires are coming for you."

"Mom," I sighed and shook my head again. "There are no such things as vampires, and there were never any mobsters after me either. Have you been taking your medication?"

"Bella, these people here are trying to drug me, you have to help me escape."

"You need the medicine they give you. It will help you understand what's real and not."

"The pills make me feel tired. They just want to put me to sleep so they can do scientific experiments on me."

"Mom, I wasn't with my dad for a few weeks, I was there for over eight years. You _need _your meds, because you're sick."

I went to the nurse and told her about the things my mother was saying, so she immediately went to search her room. Ten minutes later, she returned and took me to the side to tell me what had happened.

"We watch the patients take the meds, and then we look in their mouth to make sure they were swallowed. We never knew Renee was hiding them and we found all the pills under her mattress. I'm so sorry Ms. Swan, this won't happen again."

I didn't even bother saying goodbye to my mother, there wasn't even a point when she was in that state. I just couldn't even understand how they didn't notice her erratically behavior.

When I got back to the apartment, Alice was still sitting in the same spot she was in when I left, and she was tapping her foot anxiously.

"Where did you go?"

"Relax, I just went to see mom."

"Oh…how is she? I was planning to go later this afternoon."

"Don't go today, she hasn't been taking her pills."

"What! Bella, I swear, those people don't know what the hell they're doing. We need to put her someplace else."

"We can't afford a better place right now. They will put her back on the meds, and she should be doing better in the next few days."

"Have you thought about the baby anymore?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know what I want to do yet, but I'm calm now, and I'm going to think about it clearly before I make a decision."

Alice and I spent the next three days talking about anything other than Edward and my growing waistline. It was actually fun, and it was so good not to feel like I was being pressured about any of it. She just gave me time to think what I wanted, and I really appreciated it.

On the fourth day I went back to the hospital, hoping to find a less confused Renee, and I did.

"Bella," she smiled as she came to sit with me.

"How are you feeling?" I asked softly.

"Oh, you know. They keep these pills in me so it's hard to feel anything, but I'm ok."

"I came by the other day, do you remember?"

She nodded, and smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry about that. I really couldn't think straight, it was hard to know what was real."

"I'm pregnant," I said abruptly.

She looked at me wide eyed, and I was worried that she was going to have another mental breakdown. I was such an idiot.

"I didn't realize you were seeing anyone," she said finally.

"I'm not. Not anymore. I just needed to come here and tell you…because….because I'm scared, and I don't know what to do."

She smiled at me, "Bella, you'll figure it out. You and Alice had to put up with a lot growing up, and you are both extremely strong and intelligent women. But, if anyone can figure out how to be a good parent, it's you. I don't have a doubt that you can handle it."

"How can I be a good parent? I wouldn't even know where to begin," I said with tears rolling down my face. The fact that I was asking my insane mother for advice, proved that I really didn't have what it took to raise a child.

"You begin, at the beginning," she said while placing her hand on my slightly bloated stomach. "Take it one day at a time, and don't worry about not being good enough. You were raised by a good man, and you are a smart woman, you'll know what to do."

"I was raised as a boy, how could I ever know how to be a good mother?"

"It has nothing to do with being a girl or a boy, it has to do with who you are on the inside."

Who I was on the inside, was a lying coward. The fact that my mother was saying positive things about me, probably proved that I was just as bad as she was, but I suddenly felt determined. I wouldn't allow myself to end up like her, and I didn't want an abortion. I would do whatever it took to make sure my baby felt safe and loved, and I would never abandon him or her. I needed to turn my life around, I needed to be honest and make myself into someone my child could look up to.

I went home and was surprised to see my stuff already packed in a suitcase. Alice was just finishing, when she saw me come in.

"Jasper is going to try to get to the bottom of Edward's location and then he's going to go bring him back to Seattle, and I'm bringing _you_ back there as well. You two need to work this out Bella, and if you still want an abortion, I'll take you. But he needs to know _before _you make the decision."

"I don't want an abortion, and I already decided to go back to Washington."

"Really?" she said with a mix of excitement and sympathy.

Since we were both already packed, we took off right away. We didn't have enough money for two plane tickets, so we decided to drive all the way cross country. It was technically Renee's car, but she wasn't going to need it and Alice didn't have a car in Seattle anyway.

"Oh, this is disgusting," Alice complained as we checked into our first hotel for the night.

"It's not so bad," I disagreed. Sure, the room was dusty and there was no door on the bathroom, but at least the sheets were clean. _At least I think the sheets are clean._

The next several days weren't much better. We could only afford the cheapest hotels, and we couldn't get very far at a time, because I had to keep stopping so I could pee and throw up. But I used that long stretch of road to think about my baby. I was still scared of figuring out how to be a parent, but at the same time, I had no idea if I was ever going to see Edward again and I had a piece of him inside of me, so it was impossible not to love it. Even if Edward never gave me a chance to talk to him, I'd make sure that our baby was the first person who I'd _never_ lie to. I'd never walk away from the little person growing inside of me, and I sure as hell would make sure he or she knew that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for them.

We spent a couple nights sleeping in the car at rest areas, but that was almost better than the nasty hotels. Eventually, we crossed into the Washington state line, and it didn't matter that it was late at night; we decided to drive the rest of the way without stopping again to sleep.

We pulled into Alice's parking garage, and she practically ran out of the car and up to her apartment. I followed slower and when I got inside, I realized that she went straight in to take a shower. Alice hated feeling grimy, so I wasn't surprised by her eagerness to get clean. It was late…or early, depending on how you looked at it. When Alice got out of the bathroom, she had a sheepish grin on her face.

"Would you mind terribly if I went over to Jasper's place? I haven't talked to him in two days, so I'm kind of anxious."

"Yeah, you should definitely head over there. Did you call him? I'm sure he's sleeping."

"I want to surprise him, especially since we're a day early. I just want to crawl in bed with him and hold him until he wakes up."

"Ok, have fun."

I was absolutely exhausted, but when my head it the pillow, I was suddenly wide awake. The next thing I knew, I was calling a cab and asking the driver to take me across town. I knew Edward was gone, but I just had an overwhelming _need_ to go to his condo. I wasn't sure if he sold it or not, but even the idea of being in the hall outside the door was more appealing than being in Alice's studio at that moment.

I still had my key, and it was heavy in my pocket as I approached the door. Perhaps it was stupid, but I put the key in the lock and turned it slowly. I figured that if he sold the condo, the new owners would have changed the lock, and if it was still his, then it would be empty. The key worked, so I took a deep breath and cautiously went inside.

Without really thinking, I flipped the light switch and wasn't surprised that the electricity was still on. Edward had automatic bill pay on stuff like water, gas, and electric; he was so forgetful, that he said it was just easier that way, rather than sending out checks every month. Everything was pretty much exactly the way it was when I left. The same laundry on the floor and the couch pillows were in the same exact disarray on the ground in the living room, except now there were a variety of empty alcoholic bottles in front of the TV.

I didn't want to move anything, but I was completely devoured by the horrendous smell of something rotting in the kitchen. I covered my hand over my mouth and nose, and slowly walked towards the stench. The smell was definitely coming from the refrigerator, and as I opened the door, I immediately knew what it was. Spoiled milk, eggs, cheese, and everything else perishable that was months past the expiration dates. I ran to the sink, and vomited. I hadn't eaten in a few hours, but that didn't stop my stomach from heaving violently.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I froze.

_Was he really there, or was it just my imagination?_

I had my head down in the sink, so after a few long torturous moments, I stood slowly and turned to face him.


	13. Ch 12 The Talk

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 12 – _The Talk_~

BPOV

"What the hell are you doing?"

I froze.

_Was he really there, or was it just my imagination?_

I had my head down in the sink, so after a few long torturous moments, I stood slowly and turned to face him.

"You're here," I said quietly.

"Yeah, well, I live here. What the hell are you doing?" he repeated, but with less of the edge to his tone than he had the first time.

"Uh…I…" I suddenly got another whiff of the rotten food in the fridge, and I covered my nose and mouth with my hand again. Edward looked frustrated that I wasn't speaking but then he realized why.

"Oh shit, I didn't even notice," he said and then he was in motion. He grabbed a garbage bag from under the sink and quickly started throwing away everything that was in the fridge. When he was finished, he knotted the bag and took it to the garbage shoot outside the condo.

"Sorry, I got here late last night and didn't even smell it," he admitted.

"How could you miss _that_?" I asked incredulously.

He shrugged. "I guess I'm not the most _observant_ person," he said, meaning more than just the stench.

"Well, I guess you wouldn't have to observe anything to _smell_ that," I said teasingly, even though I was positive joking around was the last thing he wanted to do in that moment.

"In my defense, I did break my nose when I was fourteen, but you already knew that." Edward didn't wait for a response; he just went to get the air freshener out from the cabinet.

"Ah uh," I grunted quickly while shaking my head.

"You don't want me to spray this?" he asked, and I shook my head again. I didn't know what kind of chemicals were in that, and even though I refused to be one of those paranoid pregnant women, I still didn't want to risk it. "Okay," he said confused, but didn't question me further.

"So, you said you just got home last night. Where have you been?" I asked cautiously. He seemed to be surprisingly calm, but I still wanted to feel him out a bit before I told him that I was pregnant.

"I uh, have a cabin in Alaska. I just needed to get away so I could…think."

"Jasper found you and asked you to come back?" I assumed.

He looked at me slightly confused. "How did you know that?"

"Uh, Jasper is Alice's boyfriend. They talk about everything."

"And Alice has known the truth all along, hasn't she?"

"She's my sister," I whispered, realizing that this information might make Edward pissed at Jasper, which was never my intention.

"Alice is your sister?" he bit his bottom lip and nodded with a humorless smile. "Of course she is. That actually explains a lot. How long has Jasper known?"

"Alice told him after you found out."

"That was months ago. He never told Emmett."

"Neither did you," I pointed out.

"No, I didn't think it was my place. _You_ should have told him and Charlie right away."

"I should have done a lot of things differently, but that stops now. I need to make things right….I'm just really terrified," I admitted as a tear fell down my cheek. "I just wish I could have told Emmett before his wedding, I really would have liked to see my brother get married."

"Well, you didn't miss it."

"What?" I asked confused, their wedding was supposed to be a month prior.

"You're not the only one who did some messed up shit."

"What do you mean?"

"I fucked up. I was so consumed with my own issues, that I didn't even think about him. I was just sure that I needed to start a new life, and I needed to leave everything else behind. I figured that if I wasn't going to hang out, than I shouldn't be in his wedding photos, because fifty years from now, he won't remember me and he'll look at those pictures and wonder who the hell I was. I know, it was stupid and irrational, but I wasn't exactly thinking straight. All I could think about was that I couldn't trust anyone, and that was wrong. Emmett is the only person who I _ever_ really could trust, and I should have never taken off on him. He didn't deserve it from you, and he sure as hell didn't deserve it from me, especially without a proper explanation."

I'd be lying if I said Edward's words didn't hurt. I hated that he said that Emmett was the _only_ person he ever could really trust. I knew I lied to him over the years, but I hoped that he could trust that I always loved him and never wanted to see him hurt.

"Why didn't he get married?" I asked, trying to move past his stinging comment.

"Because he wanted me there. I've never hated myself more than when I treated you like shit in high school, but ditching Emmett before his wedding is a close second. I haven't even talked to him yet, Jasper just filled me in on everything when he showed up at my cabin. I never thought he'd postpone his wedding until I got my head out of my ass, I just can't believe how horrible I was to him."

"How did Jasper find you?"

"I bought the cabin a few years ago. Emmett must have guessed that I was there, and told Jasper."

"Why didn't Emmett go himself sooner?"

"I think he was just trying to give me some space. Emmett is the best person I know, I really wish I could have been half the friend he is."

"He really loves you. I can tell," I said quietly.

"Well, I definitely don't deserve it." He took a deep breath, and then started walking to the living room. I followed him and sat down as he picked up the empty bottles on the floor. "So, why'd you come back here?" he asked indifferently while he was cleaning.

"I didn't think you'd be here. I just…felt a little _homesick_," I said honestly. That condo did still feel like my home, even though I was positive it had nothing to do with the condo itself. It was Edward. He was my home, whether he loved me or not.

I was expecting him to argue and say that it wasn't my home, but he didn't, he just stayed quiet and took the bottles out to the recycle. When he came back inside, he didn't return to the living room like I was hoping.

"Look, I'm really tired, so I'm going back to bed."

"No, wait, I really need to talk to you," I said quickly.

I guess it could wait until morning_…._

"_Edward, I have to tell you something," I told him after he came back from Arizona with his grandmother. He had been gone for a week, and I was supposed to feed his pet bull frog, but I forgot and it died. _

"_What?"_

"_Hey, Swan, Masen!" Jacob Black yelled from down the street. He ran towards us with a smile, surely hoping we'd be willing to hang out with him. He was a year younger than us, and even though he was the best baseball player, he really was just an odd kid who started following us around like a lost puppy._

"_Hey Black, whatcha doing?" Edward asked him._

"_Nothing. I have a dollar; we can go to the liquor store and get some candy."_

"_Ok, let's go," Edward said enthusiastically. Edward didn't really like Jacob, but he was always willing to hang with him for candy._

"_Edward, I have to tell you something," I said quietly, hoping he'd dismiss me, and he did. I really wasn't looking forward to telling him about his frog, so I'd happily put it off as long as possible._

_When we were done with our candy, we started heading back home, when Edward suddenly froze._

"_What are you doing?" Jake asked Edward._

"_Shh, don't move. There is a huge horsefly right there. I'm going to catch it for my frog."_

_Crap, crap, crap. _

_Edward spent the next twenty minutes catching flies. _

"_When was the last time you fed him?"He asked me after catching five flies and putting them in his pocket._

"_Uh…a while ago."_

"_So, he's probably hungry then, huh? I should hurry home to feed him."_

"_Can I come? I want to see your frog," Jake asked._

"_Yeah, he's the coolest frog ever."_

"_Maybe we should go to the sandlot first to see if there's a game starting or anything," I suggested._

_Edward shrugged. "I guess he can wait another hour or so."_

_We played for two hours, and then Edward insisted on going home. When we got there, we went into his room and he noticed that the tank was empty. _

"_Where is he?"_

"_Oh, yeah, about that…he, sort of…ran away."_

"_What?" _

"_Yeah sorry about that, I don't know what happened," I lied. I was pretty good at lying, and sometimes I didn't even know when I was doing it._

_Edward was sad, but he wasn't angry. "Why didn't you tell me while I was catching the flies?"_

"_Well, I figured that we could go down the creek and catch you a new frog, and then you'd already have the flies to feed it."_

_Edward thought about it for a minute, and then nodded. "I guess you're right. Thanks Ben."_

_Although my reasoning didn't really make sense, Edward always believed everything I said. Jake, on the other hand, didn't._

"_How could a frog run away, and why wouldn't you tell him right away so we could go down to the creek instead of going to the baseball field?" Jake asked. I knew there was a reason why I didn't like that kid._

"_Yeah why?" Edward questioned._

"_I just thought you'd be too sad to go catch the new frog some flies if I told you that your other frog got out of his tank."_

"_But…" Jake started to say, so I kicked him. "Owe, what was that for?"_

'_Shut up' I mouthed to Jake. Edward looked confused, but he didn't say anything else about it. I never told him the truth, and for some reason, I always felt guilty about it._

…_.._.

"I took some sleeping pills last night, and my head is really foggy right now. Whatever it is, can wait until morning. You can sleep in your old room if you want."

"No, this can't wait. I need you to come sit in here so I can tell you what I really came back to Washington to say."

"Fine," he said, and then sat in the chair across from me. "What?"

"I didn't feed your frog and it died," I said in a rush.

He shook his head. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"When we were ten, remember? You went with your grandmother to Arizona for a week, and I was supposed to feed your frog. Well, I forgot, and it died. It didn't run away like I told you it did."

He raised his eyebrows, and nodded. "Okay, well, thanks for telling me," he said carelessly. "_I guess_," he added quietly. "Can I go to bed now?"

"No, that's not what I really needed to say." My hand dropped to my stomach reflexively, almost as if I was sure he was going to lash out and I needed to protect it. "I'm pregnant."

His face didn't change; it was almost like he didn't even hear me even though I was sure that he did. Maybe Jasper already told him.

"You're pregnant?" he asked after a minute. His tone was calm, but Edward was never closer to exploding than when he was calm.

"I'm about three and a half months now. I didn't know until a little less than two weeks ago. I went to the doctor, and then a few days later, Alice and I drove back out here," I explained softly.

I watched him carefully as he crunched his face in stress and then he ran his hands through his hair and scratched his scalp.

Finally he opened his eyes, and looked at me. "I thought you were on birth control, or something?"

"I never said that."

"No, but I assumed because you never said anything about condoms."

"I never had sex before Edward. I didn't think about it and…"

"You _never_ had sex before?" he asked in disbelief.

"Wow, was I really that good that you can't believe that I was actually a virgin?" I said sarcastically.

"No…I mean, I…thought that it _felt_ like you were….but you didn't say anything, and I thought you were like twenty eight years old, and I just couldn't imagine that's you'd still be a virgin."

"What does age have to do with anything?"

"It doesn't, I just…I don't know what I thought." He scrunched his face again. "So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to have the baby, and figure out everything else as I go."

He then stared past me, unseeingly. _Was he in shock?_

After several long minutes of still silence, he finally spoke. "How do I know you're telling the truth? You even lied about the damn frog, how can I believe anything you say?" He didn't say it spitefully, he actually seemed like it was a real question. A question that I definitely deserved.

"I'm so sorry that I lied to you. I never wanted to hurt you, never, and I never thought my lies would end up like this. I had an insane mother that dressed me up as a boy and told me that there were mobsters trying to find and kill me, but that's no excuse, I should have…"

"Wait, you're mother did what?"

"She's insane Edward. She didn't know what she was doing. Just a week ago she told me there were vampires after me. Alice and I put her in a mental hospital, but she was hiding her pills."

Edward shook his head slowly. "I wish you would have told me, maybe things could have been different."

"But, it's too late for us, right?"

He pressed his lips, and shook his head. "I really don't know anything anymore. But what I do know is that you are not going to have a baby."

"I've already decided," I told him without hesitation. I would not let him, or anyone else, convince me to get an abortion.

He put up his hand to stop me. "No, what I meant was that _you_ are not going to have the baby, because we did it together, so we need to raise it together. We both know what it's like to have shitty parents, and I'm not going to let that happen to _our _kid."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I never expected for him to be so calm, little alone accept my pregnancy so quickly. I knew things weren't going to be the same between us, but I was confident that he meant it when he said he was going to be there for our child.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not sure about anything, but I know we have to try. When do you go to the doctor again?"

"I just got into town a few hours ago, so I guess I'll call to make an appointment as soon as I can."

"But you didn't just come back to Seattle for me, right?"

"No, I need to talk to Emmett and Charlie."

He nodded. "And you're actually going to tell them the truth?"

I nodded. "I was thinking about starting with Emmett, because he knows me…as in _me_ Bella, and then I was hoping after he's calmed down, maybe he can come with me to tell Charlie. I just really don't know what to do when it comes to my dad. He's going to know me when he first sees me, and I just don't know what he's going to think. Is he going to jump to the wrong conclusion like you did when you found out? Will he even give me a chance to explain?"

"I can tell him," he said suddenly.

"What?"

"I mean, if you want. I just think it might be easier if I tell him that you're not only alive, but a woman. If you just walk in there, it may give him a heart attack."

"That's what I was worried about. But I should ask Emmett first, I don't want you to be the one to tell Charlie if Emmett feels like he should."

"Well, Emmett's out of town right now."

"Where is he?"

"On his honeymoon."

"But, I thought you said that he didn't…"

"He didn't get married, but they had non-refundable tickets. So they are going on their honeymoon before they get married. But…I'm going to fix it."

"What, how?" I asked confused.

"They put off their wedding for me, so I'm going to pay for a new honeymoon. A second…_first _honeymoon."

"That's nice of you. Does he know you're back?"

"No. When he gets back, I have a lot of apologizing to do, but I doubt Rose will forgive me. Jasper said she was pretty pissed, and I don't blame her. Emmett's biggest fault is that he cares about a fuck up like me. But that's done now, I have to get my act together," he said while looking at my stomach.

"We both do," I agreed.

"If you want to tell Emmett first, then it'll have to wait another week, but if you want, we can go to Forks tomorrow to tell Charlie."

I bit my bottom lip. "I don't want to put it off any longer, we should go tomorrow."

"Okay, then we should get to sleep now so we're plenty rested."

I nodded.

"But, you'll never be able to sleep, will you?" he said knowing me better than he'd admit.

I shook my head no.

"Yeah, me either."

He moved to sit next to me on the couch, and grabbed the remote. We sat there in silence as he flipped through the channels. Eventually, he came across one of our favorite childhood movies 'Rookie of the Year', and then he put the remote down.

We didn't talk to each other, but we watched the movie and laughed at the same parts that we used to as kids. It was so surreal being there so casually with him, that I actually thought I was going crazy like my mother, and making the whole thing up. We were just at the part in the movie where the kid decided he just wanted to play with his friends, and then Edward suddenly sighed and turned his head towards me.

"Are you really pregnant?" he asked seriously.

"I swear to you, I'm done with lying. Yes, I'm pregnant. I didn't believe at first either. Not even after I saw it on the ultrasound," I laughed once.

"You saw it?" he asked with heightened interest.

"Yeah, it was moving all around. I swear, the kid is hyperactive already."

"Can you feel it?"

"No, the doctor says I won't be able to feel it for a while, but I could definitely see it on the monitor. Between you and me, I guess it's not surprising our kid would be full of energy."

"No kidding," he agreed.

"Edward, are you really okay with this?" I asked thinking he was going to snap at any moment. Telling him was way too easy, something had to go wrong because I wasn't that lucky.

"I don't know. I did take a sleeping pill earlier, maybe I'm just too drugged to react properly."

He must have noticed the concerned look on my face, so he immediately let me know he was joking. "Bella, I just spent two months alone in the Alaskan wilderness. I had a lot of time to think about stuff, and I realized that I was being an idiot. I don't know if I'll ever get over it completely, but I need to stop pushing people away. I can curse the world until I'm blue in the face, but at the end of the day, I'll just end up alone. Emmett didn't deserve me turning my back on him, just like you didn't deserve my bullying in high school after you kissed me."

"I never blamed you for that," I said trying to alleviate some of his guilt, but he ignored me.

"We can't…._I_ can't go back to having a…physical relationship with you, and to be honest, I was really hoping that I'd see you again, and help you tell the truth to Charlie and Emmett, but I never expected our contact to continue past that. But you're pregnant, so that changes things."

"So, if I wasn't, you'd just walk away and never talk to me again?"

"I know I may be a hypocrite here, because I'm hoping Emmett can forgive me for what I did to him, but I myself, am not a forgiving person. I can't just pretend that you didn't lie to me more than anyone else has ever lied to me in my life. I know it wasn't entirely your fault, but I just can't get past it. I've tried to wrap my head around it, but I just don't trust you anymore. I let go of the anger, I've accepted it, but…I'll never feel the same about you, I just can't, _I'm sorry_." He whispered at the end, because he noticed that I was crying, but he didn't take it back, and I didn't want him to either.

I wanted Edward to be honest about his feelings for me, and he was. I knew our relationship was unsalvageable, but as long as we worked together and were able to be friendly for the sake of our baby, then that was enough. But despite that, I was still heartbroken. It was one thing knowing he didn't want me romantically anymore, but it was another to actually hear him say it. I loved him so much, and I always would, I just hoped I'd someday find a way to let him go. We'd always be connected in our child's life, but I had to learn to accept that we'd never be more than that again.


	14. Ch 13 Starting New

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 13 – _Starting New_~

**BPOV**

After crying myself to sleep, I awoke the next morning feeling even more tired than I was before I slept. I knew the day wasn't going to be any easier than the night before was, but at least Edward was going to be with me for support. My highest hope was that Edward and I could find some level of friendship, in order to co-parent our baby. We always worked well together, and that wasn't something that could be faked or lied about.

"Good morning," I said to Edward as I walked into the kitchen. He was already showered and dressed, which surprised me. "Did you already go somewhere this morning?"

"Yeah," he said and opened the fridge to show me that it was fully stocked with fresh groceries. "I thought you'd want an omelet, or something."

"You didn't have to do that."

"You're pregnant, you should at least eat decently," he said as he pulled out the eggs.

"Thanks for letting me stay last night, but I should probably get back to Alice's to shower and change."

"I thought you were going to move back here?" he said unexpectedly.

"Uh, I didn't think you'd want me to live here. You said that…"

"I know what I said, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to take care of you. This is a three bedroom condo, in fact, I was thinking about moving my stuff out of the master and letting you have it."

"Why would you do that?" I asked confused.

He shrugged. "I figured when the baby came, it'd be easier if you had more room."

"You don't have to do that. I lived here for over two months and never paid a dime of rent, you should have the master bedroom."

"Bella, there's no reason for you to pay anything. I make more than enough money to fully support the three of us. I think you should just relax and concentrate on being healthy for the baby."

"Wait, you don't want me going back to work?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, not until you want to. What's the point anyway? You'll just have to take another leave of absence when the baby's born."

"Well, I'll worry about that when the time comes. I'll go crazy if I don't work for the next five months at least. Next week I'm going to see about getting my old job back. What about you, will the agency let you go back to work after being gone for a couple of months?"

"Are you kidding? I'm the best agent they have. They've been begging me to come back, and they even offered me a raise."

"Really?"

"Hell yeah, that's just how I roll," he said smugly.

"That's how you roll?" I laughed.

He started cracking eggs and whipping them in a bowl before pouring them into a pan. I studied his movements and watched as the muscles in his back tightened and shifted as he flipped the omelet. God, I loved him. I wished I didn't, but I couldn't turn it off. Everything about him was perfect, everything except for the fact that he didn't love me back.

I was glad when my phone started buzzing, because the last thing I wanted was Edward to turn around and see me ogling him.

"Hello?" I asked, not paying attention to the caller ID.

"Hey, how'd you sleep?"

"How is this?" I asked still slightly dazed because Edward had turned to look at me then.

"Uh, Bella, are you ok?"

"Alice?"

"Yeah, who else would it be? Bella, I just called to tell you that Edward is back in town. Jasper found him in Alaska of all places, so I hope you're ready for this. I'm going to come and take you to his place and Jasper is going to meet us there. Ok?"

"Alice, you're a little late."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm here with Edward right now."

"What? Oh my god. I'm on my way."

"No, everything is fine. I told him, he's fine, we're fine," I said feeling slightly uncomfortable because I knew Edward was listening to my side of the conversation.

"He didn't push you did he?"

"No, why would you even ask that?"

"He pushed you as a teen."

"Alice that was years ago and we were kids. Everything is different now, and he's taking me to Forks in a little while to talk to Charlie, so I won't be available for you to hound for the rest of the day."

"You're going to tell Charlie today?"

"Yep."

"Oh my god…ok…call me after."

"Okay, bye," I said and hung up before she had a chance to say goodbye back.

"She's a bit protective of you, huh?" Edward commented.

"Yeah, well she feels responsible for me because she's older and our mother is insane…What do you think Charlie is going to do to Renee when he finds out?" I asked, suddenly worried.

Edward huffed. "I don't know. I guess it's not illegal to dress up your daughter as a boy."

"It's not?" I asked hopeful.

"No, but Charlie has a copy of a death certificate, so that's not something that he's going to look the other way at. And then there's all the other fake documents that you mother forged claiming your name was Ben. Birth certificate, medical records…"

"So, he could have her arrested?" I said quietly under my breath.

"No, I don't think so."

My head popped up. "Why not?"

"You said she's in a mental hospital, right?"

I nodded.

"Well, I don't see the authorities taking her out of a place like that to put her in prison. Insane people rarely get arrested, they usually get put into a hospital, and since she's already there, I don't think they'll move her."

I felt like a moron. So many wasted years of worry for nothing. Edward didn't know much about the law, but he lived in the real world long enough to have some common sense.

"What's wrong?" he asked. I didn't even realize that I was crying until he asked that. Damn pregnancy hormones.

"It doesn't matter," I dismissed.

"You're actually worried about Renee?" he asked in disbelief. "Why would you care so much?"

"She's my mother. You cared about your dad all that time, even though he was a drunken abusive asshole."

"Yeah, only because I was a stupid kid who didn't know any better. As soon as I was able, I cut ties and never looked back."

"Is he still alive?" I asked remembering that the day I kissed him, he had just found out that his dad had cancer.

"I don't really know. Last time I saw him he was going to the cancer treatment center. I haven't seen him since graduation. I assume he did die though, I mean everyone in my life dies. My mother when I was little, my grandmother, Ben, hell the fact that Emmett is a cop just puts a ticker on his life span. I really don't get why everyone dies around me, it'd be easier if I was just the one to get killed."

"Don't say that," I said feeling like my heart jumped out of my chest. Edward put on a tough front, but it was obvious to me that he was just as scared as he ever was, and I absolutely hated knowing there wasn't anything I could do to make it better.

"I'm so sorry Edward," I whispered. "I'm sorry you had to lose Ben the way that you did. I just didn't know what else to do."

He stared at me for a long moment, and I could see the pain behind his eyes, but he kept it locked up tightly.

"It doesn't matter anymore," he said, just as quietly.

After a few more heavy moments of silence, I decided that I needed to get moving.

"I should get back to Alice's to get a change of clothes."

"No, I bought you stuff."

"You bought me stuff?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, I figured that your clothes would be getting tight, so I went to the store for pregnant people and asked the lady to help me pick out some stuff."

"Are you serious?" I asked with a mix of amusement and horror.

"Well, you're back in those baggy unisex clothes, and I figured it was because your other stuff was getting too small."

I didn't notice my clothes getting tight, because I was always wearing sweats, but I wondered if I'd even be able to put my regular pants on anymore. I wasn't really showing, but I did feel bloated, especially around the stomach and chest region.

"Here, I'll show you." He led me to his bedroom, and into the closet. His clothes were in a big pile in the corner, and in their place, the closet was full of maternity clothes. _What the hell did he do, buy out the store? _

"When did you do this?" I asked thinking about the fresh groceries in the fridge as well.

"This morning. I had the door guy help me bring everything up."

"How did I sleep through all this?" I asked myself out loud.

He laughed. "You were completely out. I had to go in your room to make sure you were still breathing."

"Maybe you should see someone about your fear about people dying," I suggested, seriously concerned.

"Who, like a shrink?"

"Yeah. I mean, it might really help you," I said cautiously, hoping not to offend him.

He took a deep breath, and then refocused on the closet. "They're all labeled by month. These say they're for three to five months, and these are bigger and so on," he explained.

"Why are they in here?" I asked.

"I told you, we're switching rooms."

"Edward, you don't have to do that, you didn't have to do any of this. As soon as I start working again, I'll be able to buy all this kind of stuff myself."

"Bella, you're having my baby, it would be wrong of me to just sit back and expect you to pay for everything. You need this stuff and you can't afford it, but even if you could, you need to let me do this kind of stuff. I can't carry the baby, only you can, so let me do what I can do."

"It's just…you didn't ask for this, and I feel bad just showing up in your condo and.….

"You're right, I didn't ask for this, and neither did you. But we're both responsible, and we're going to make damn sure we do a better job than our parents did."

"Oh, I don't know. Charlie did a pretty good job."

"Yeah, he's the best," he agreed.

Edward left the room, and then I showered before examining my new maternity clothes. They were all very feminine with lace and floral print, and I was sure that Edward picked them as pay back. He probably knew the clothes would make me cringe, in fact, I bet he was laughing about it at that moment. And then I was horrified even more as I noticed the bras. _He actually bought me pregnancy bras?_

I refused to acknowledge that my boobs did actually hurt, and I then realized that they did seem larger as well. I couldn't help but feel entirely embarrassed. I spent so many years taping and hiding them, and now, _Edward _was buying me bras. I couldn't get over it, it was all so surreal.

I put on a bra and was shocked that it fit me perfectly, and so much more comfortable than the bra I was wearing. _How the hell did he know my size?_ Granted, he did spend a lot of time with his hands on them when we were together in that way, but I was still surprised that he would know the actual cup size.

I grabbed a maternity shirt and put it on, followed by the stretchy waist pants, refusing to look in the full length mirror because at that point, it didn't really matter. I combed my hair, and decided to pull it back in a low ponytail, and then I realized that I didn't have a toothbrush. I looked at Edward's sitting there in his bathroom, which he was insisting that I take over, and then I shrugged and grabbed it. I considered asking him first, but I decided to just go for it, the worst that could happen was him buying a new one. I thought it would be odd brushing my teeth with someone else's tooth brush, but it wasn't like we hadn't swapped spit on multiple occasions.

I hesitantly went to tell Edward I was ready to leave. He was already dressed as well, in an opened buttoned shirt with a v neck underneath, and some perfectly fitted jeans, god that man was beautiful.

"Ready?" I said shyly. He turned to look at me and I could see his eyes taking me in from top to bottom. "I know, I look like an idiot."

"No, you don't. You look really beautiful."

I was actually speechless. He had told me that I was beautiful when we were together, but I never expected to hear him say it after knowing I was Ben. I quickly turned away so he wouldn't see the rush of heat to my cheeks.

"Oh, I had to use your toothbrush, sorry about that," I confessed.

He was quiet, so I looked back to see him smirking. "I got you a new one," he said and pulled it out of a bag on the counter.

"Oh, well, you can just have that one, I don't mind using yours."

"No, you should have it. I don't mind you using mine either."

I blushed again, but I tried to ignore it and change the subject. "We should be going, it's a long car ride," I said with my back to him, pretending to be getting my keys.

"Okay," he said and grabbed a full plastic bag.

"What's in there?" I asked.

"Snacks," he said with a smile.

"Really?" I grinned. "Like what?"

"Pretzels, cookies, apples, juice boxes."

"Juice boxes?"

"Oh come on, we both know you love juice boxes."

"Like when I was ten," I laughed.

"And they're still just as good as ever."

Three hours, six juice boxes, and two bathroom breaks later, we crossed into the Forks city limit.

"You nervous?" he asked as I started anxiously shaking my leg and biting my nails.

"I just have no idea how he's going to react."

"He's a good man, it may be a shock at first, but I guarantee he'll handle it better than I did."

"Well, I haven't been sleeping with him without his knowledge," I said without even really thinking.

"I'd hope not, that'd just be disturbing," he said casually.

"You know what I mean," I said while rolling my eyes.

"And for the record, I knew every time we had sex…unless, are you're one of those freaky people that likes to fuck people who are sleeping?" he joked.

"No, but that would be fun to try. Are you sure you want me living with you?" _Shit, did I really just say that? _I was worried that I took our playful banter too far, but he actually laughed.

We started looking around as we drove past the familiar landmarks, and I wasn't surprised that not much changed. "When was the last time you were here?"

"Uh, the day after high school graduation."

"You haven't been back here in over six years?"

"What would have been the point? My best friend was dead, my grandmother was gone too. All that was left was my dad, and I really didn't have much a desire to come visit him."

"So you haven't seen Charlie since then either?"

"No, I saw Charlie like five months ago. I see him every time he goes out to Seattle to visit Em."

"Do you want to go by your old place to see if your dad is still there?"

He shook his head. "I really think he died. He was pretty bad the last time I saw him."

We turned the corner of my home street, and my nerves spiked.

"Hey, you gotta calm down. I know it's hard, but that's not healthy," Edward said softly, realizing my distress. "We can do this another time if you want."

"We drove all this way."

"I don't care, if you're not ready, then…"

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and it'll just get harder the bigger I get," I said while rubbing my bloated stomach. The maternity clothes I was wearing weren't revealing at all, they actually looked like regular clothes, just a little looser, so my pregnancy wasn't noticeable.

Edward watched my hand against my stomach, and without warning, he put his hand on my stomach next to mine. His touch automatically relaxed me, and then I realized that nothing else mattered. Edward was the only person who I needed to accept me for our baby's sake, and he did, so even if Charlie spit in my face, I'd be ok.

His hand was still on my stomach, but he lifted his eyes to meet mine. "It's all going to be okay," he said quietly.

I nodded, and then rubbed his hand with mine. "I know."

He smiled reassuringly, and then pulled away to unbuckle his seatbelt. "I'll be back in a little bit, try to stay calm."

I nodded again as he opened the door and stepped out of the car. "Edward," I said quickly.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for doing this for me."

He smiled halfheartedly, and then shut the door behind him.

I sat there terrified for what seemed like hours, but the clock on the dashboard hardly moved. Twenty five torturous minutes later, Edward came back out; his expression was unreadable.

…..

**EPOV**

I hated seeing Bella so anxious, and I hated myself even more because I couldn't be what she needed me to be in order to calm her properly. I couldn't deny that I still loved her, but I didn't know how to break through the stone wall I created around myself to be the man that I should be. It wasn't just about the trust, it was actually simpler than that, I was just scared shitless and deep down, all I was, was a fucking coward. It wasn't possible for anyone to hate me as much as I hated myself, and the problem with that was the fact that I had to somehow pull my act together in order to be a father. I couldn't think about anything else, all my focus had to be on becoming a better person for the baby, and everything else was a distant second.

I was nervous as I walked up the steps to the Swan house, but I knew Bella had to be at least a million times more uneasy than me, so tried to push away my own feelings because she was all that mattered at that moment. My biggest worry was Charlie's reaction. Bella didn't need anyone else reacting badly, she had enough shit from me to last her a lifetime. Even if I couldn't be with her romantically, I'd make damn sure that I took care of her in every other way possible.

I'd be lying if I said that I was glad Charlie was home. I was actually secretly hoping that he'd be working so I could delay the inevitable. But he was home, and it was better to just get it over with.

"Edward," he greeted me as he opened the door. "I never thought I'd see you back here. Come in."

"Thanks," I said and then followed him in to the living room where I sat on the couch.

"Can I get you a beer or anything?"

"Uh, no thanks."

"Look, I know why you're here," he said unexpectedly.

"You do?" I asked surprised.

"Emmett said you left Washington and weren't planning on coming back."

"Yeah, I was an idiot."

"And Emmett put off the wedding. Look, whatever happened to make you feel that way, I'm sure you'll get past it. Emmett just didn't want to get married without you there. No one could ever replace Ben, but he loves you like a brother, and I'm glad you wised up and came back. He's not here though, he actually went with Rose on their honeymoon…before the wedding. I don't get that one, but it's none of my business."

"I actually knew that already, I really came here to talk to you."

"Oh? Ok, what's up?" he sat across from me and waited for me to explain.

"It's about Be..B. Ben," I stuttered. _Calm down Masen._

"What about him?" Charlie became serious with the mention of his dead son's name. I had no idea how and where to start, so I just started randomly.

"You know that Ben and I were very close," I swallowed hard while he nodded. "Well, the last few months he lived here, we sort of had a falling out."

"I know. Ben said you two got into a fight, but he didn't talk about it anymore than that."

"Yeah…" I needed to think of a new way to approach the subject, because I really would never be able to tell him about that first kiss. "Well, he went to live with Renee, and….well, you know how Renee was insane."

"Well, I called her insane, but I doubt I could really get her classified that way."

"No, you could. She's actually in a mental hospital right now."

"Really?"

"She did a lot of fucked up things to her kids, and most of which Ben never told anyone."

"Like what?" he asked intensely. The subject was obviously still very raw for Charlie; he knew Renee had hurt Ben, but he never had any proof, and he was sure I was about to give it to him.

"I found out something a couple months ago, and that's actually why I took off the way I did. I just couldn't handle it, and I reacted irrationally."

"Damn it Edward. If that woman caused my son's death, you need to tell me right now."

I nodded slowly, unthinkingly, and then he exploded.

"That fucking bitch!" He got up and went after his keys.

"Charlie, no wait, where are you going?"

"I swore on the day he died that if I ever found out that Renee had something to do with it, that I'd kill her, and that's what I intend to do."

"No, Charlie, she didn't hurt him, at least not in _that_ way."

"She didn't?" I shook my head no. "Oh," he sat back down. "Well, what the hell are you talking about then, kid?"

"She lied about it, but she didn't kill him or anything."

"He didn't really die in a car accident?"

"No, he didn't really die at all."

Charlie's face froze, and then started changing colors. It went from pink to red, to a bluish purple, then back to red again.

"He's alive?" he said finally.

"Not how you think."

"Stop being to cryptic and just spit it out!" he yelled frustrated.

Ok, here it goes. "Ben never really existed, Renee lied."

"What the hell are you talking about, of course he existed. If Renee is now saying that I wasn't his father, then that's bullshit. He had my mother's feet and the same exact eyes as Emmett. He was mine and I refuse to listen to a crazy woman's stories."

"You were his father, except he wasn't real. Ben wasn't _Ben_. Renee faked the birth certificate. The real birth certificate read _Isabella Swan_."

Charlie looked, extremely confused. "Why the hell would Renee name him Isabella?"

"Because he…was a she," I said slowly, trying to let it sink in. "Ben was actually a girl. Renee was crazy and thought there were people after her, so she hid her by telling you she was a boy named Ben."

Charlie was very quiet and still. I was slightly concerned that he had a brain aneurism, but then he dropped his head into his hands.

"That can't be true, I would have known," he whispered, his voice was heavy with emotions.

"I used to sneak into his bedroom window every night to sleep with him, you'd think I would have had a clue, but I didn't."

Charlie's head snapped up, and he glared at me with murder in his eyes. Shit. I guess I gave away a little too much information. _I can't wait to tell him I got her pregnant, he's really going to want to kill me then._

"I know this is a lot to take in, but it's true; Ben is really a girl," I said, changing the subject.

"Is?" Charlie said with a tear rolling down his cheek.

I nodded. "Renee only said she was dead because she wanted to live as a woman, and didn't know how to tell you. She's alive."

Charlie started crying more, but he kept talking. "How do you know all this, how did you find out? Does Emmett know?"

"Emmett doesn't know. I found out because…." _Shit, what the fuck was I supposed to say? _"She…we…well, we were sort of involved. I thought she was Ben's sister, but…"

"Ben's sister Alice?"

Well fuck, it would have been much easier if I talked to him a long time ago.

"I didn't know what his sister's name was. But Alice actually started dating Jasper, and then I met Bella, who I thought was just a friend of Alice's. I didn't know Alice was Ben's sister, and I had no idea that Bella was actually Ben."

"Wait, so you've seen her?"

I've done far more than see her. "Yes, she's…actually done quite well for herself."

Charlie started moving again and this time, I had a pretty good idea as to where he was planning on going.

"Charlie, she's here."

"She's here? Where?" he asked desperately.

"Outside in the car. She came with me."

"Ben's here," he said to himself.

"_Bella_ is here," I corrected. "Do you want me to go get her?"

He nodded anxiously.

"I'll go get her," I stood to walk to the door, but Charlie stopped me.

"Edward, is she ok? I can't imagine the kind of life she's had."

"Well, you can ask her," I said quietly, feeling like an absolute piece of shit. I hated how easily Charlie seemed to accept it. I mean, I was thrilled for them, but I hated that I couldn't have been more understanding the way he was, and I hated that I still couldn't get past it. _What the hell was wrong with me?_

I walked quickly out of the house, and down the steps to the car.

….

**BPOV**

"What happened, did you tell him?" I asked anxiously.

He nodded, and my stomach churned as a response.

"How did he take, what did he say?"

"He just wants to see you. He doesn't care about anything other than the fact that you're alive."

I didn't understand why Edward seemed so down, but I couldn't really think about it at that moment either, because I looked past him and saw Charlie standing in the doorway, looking at me. Edward followed my stare and looked over his shoulder, and then moved out of the way so I could get out.

I stepped out of the car slowly, not sure what exactly to do. My eyes locked with my father's, and then everything else was a blur. He rushed to me and wrapped me in his arms while we both cried hysterically.

Charlie was a good man...


	15. Ch 14 Coming Clean

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 14 – _Coming Clean_~

BPOV

After a while Charlie pulled out of our hug, and then cradled my face in his hands. "It's really you, you're really alive," he said with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

I nodded. "It's really me. I'm so sorry dad, I hate that…"

"Shhh, don't apologize. You did nothing wrong, it was that damn woman who's only good deed was giving birth to you." He kissed my forehead, and then pulled me in for another hug before leading us into the house.

The three of us sat in the living room, in awkward silence while Charlie just stared at me. I knew it would take a while for him to fully process everything, but he was doing so much better than I ever could have imagined. I also stared at him. He was so much older looking, as if he aged twenty years instead of the eight it had been since I saw him last. I knew his extra grey hairs and wrinkles were much a result from the stress of losing a child, and I absolutely felt horrible about that. He was a police chief, and that didn't help his stress levels either, but I really wished I didn't have to put him through that.

"So, how have you been, _where _have you been?" Charlie asked uncomfortably.

"In Florida. Renee is in a mental hospital there, so I was living close to make sure she was properly taken care of."

Charlie clinched his jaw when I spoke about Renee, which I understood, but I was grateful that he didn't say anything further about her. I couldn't handle him talking about pressing charges at that moment. He had every right to hate her, but I really wanted time to get to know each other again before he started harping on my mother.

"But, you've been okay…physically at least?" Charlie asked concerned.

"Yeah, I went to college in Florida, and I was working as a school guidance councilor, but then I got a job offer in Seattle as a social worker, which was what I really wanted to be doing to begin with."

"So, you've been living in Seattle?" he asked, and I could hear the hurt in his voice knowing I didn't come to see him sooner.

"Well, I lived there for a little over two months, but that was two months ago, and I just moved back again yesterday."

"Why did you leave?"

I looked at Edward, and he seemed even more uncomfortable than Charlie and I combined. I had no idea how much to tell Charlie and where I should draw some boundaries. Did he need to know that Edward and I were sleeping together before I told him who I really was? Did I have to tell him that Edward was so disgusted by the thought of having sex with me that he ran off to Alaska to escape it? I just really had no idea what to say to Charlie and I could feel myself start to panic.

"I…needed to get away for a while. I went back to Florida to check on Renee, and then…I realized I was pregnant, so I came back," I said the last part in a rush.

"Wait, what? You're what?" Charlie asked. I felt bad for dropping that bomb so quickly, he had just found out that I was alive and a woman, and then I tell him that I was pregnant. It was probably more than any father could take, but Charlie was calmly waiting for a response from me.

"I'm pregnant," I said slower. "About three and a half months. We…_I_…didn't tell him who I really was for a while, and when I did…"

"How could you not know who she is?" Charlie asked Edward incredulously. "She looks exactly like Ben."

"A lot of siblings look alike dad," I said defensively.

Charlie shook his head in disagreement, but let it go. "So, she's pregnant…and it's yours?" he asked Edward.

Edward nodded.

"Are you going to marry her?" he asked unexpectedly.

"Dad, Edward and I aren't together like that."

Charlie looked at me, and then he slowly turned his head to glare at Edward. "Why the hell not? You're pregnant so why the hell aren't you together like _that_?"

"It's complicated, and I just told him about the baby yesterday. We haven't even seen each other for two months," I told Charlie.

"Is this why you took off before Emmett's wedding?" Charlie asked him bitterly.

"I reacted badly, and I would understand if she never talked to me again, but we're having a baby so we need to work together," Edward said slowly.

"Oh, and she's just supposed to forgive you like that?"

"Dad, Edward didn't do anything wrong."

"Edward, do you mind giving me some time alone with my _daughter_?" he said coldly.

"Yeah, sure," Edward said and then walked toward the front door.

"Where are you going to go?" I asked in a slight panic. I hated being separated from him, especially when he seemed upset.

"I'm just going to drive around for a while. I'll be back in a couple hours; I have my cell if you need me."

"Okay, see ya," _I love you_ – I added in my head. My heart ached as he disappeared out the door, and I didn't know how to make that feeling go away.

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked me when we were alone.

"Yeah, of course," I said wondering why he was asking me that again.

"Look, I know we don't know each other very well anymore, but…I just want what's best for you. You have no idea what it's like for me to have you alive and here at home after all this time, but to be honest with you, the idea of you and him together scares the shit out of me. Emmett's tried to get through to him over the years, but he just keeps slipping backwards. I don't want to see you hurting anymore, I just can't take it."

"We're not together; I just worry about him, that's all."

"You always have, but it's different now."

"Why, because you know I'm a girl so you think I can't take care of myself?"

"No, that's not what I meant. It's just that, Edward's not some harmless kid anymore, he's really messed up and even Emmett is about ready to give up on him. Your brother has been so focused on trying to save him for so long, but…maybe some people just can't be saved."

"That's not true," I said feeling like my heart was about to violently break free from my chest. "He's fine, he made some mistakes, but he'll be fine. He just needs more time to accept everything."

"And then what? I see the way you look at him, and I realize now that you've _always_ looked at him that way. You're in love with him, and no matter how different your relationship is with him now; I still have the same concerns I always have when it comes to you and him."

"And what's that?"

"That he's going to bring you down with him."

"Edward is _not_ going down. He's already come so much further than anyone in this town ever thought he could. He's amazing at his job, he has a great condo, and he's really trying to do right for our baby."

"You said he just found out yesterday. He's probably still in shock, I know I am. What happens when that shock wears off? Bella, Edward is a player. He was dating that Tanya woman, and he did nothing but cheat on her."

"How do you know that?"

"Emmett told me. We were talking about Edward, and Emmett was just concerned that he'd never be able to have a normal healthy relationship."

I shook my head, not exactly sure why we were even discussing Edward's relationships.

"I thought you liked Edward? He made it sound like you two got along pretty well,"

"I do like him…I think he's been through a lot in his life and I've tried to support him, but I just worry about _you_, I always have when it comes to him. I just learned that I have a daughter, and Edward Masen is not the kind of guy I would ever want ending up with my daughter…or any of my friend's daughters either. The kid just has a lot of issues and I know for a fact that if it wasn't for Emmett, Edward would be dead right now. But instead of being a loyal friend to Em, he just left right before his wedding. I try understanding it, but when it comes to you, I just worry that you don't know him as well as you think you do. You love him, so you're going to believe anything he says."

"He's not the one who lied repeatedly over the course of varied forms of our relationship."

"You would think he'd be a little more understanding about everything. How could he blame you when you were just a child trying to protect your crazy-ass mother?"

"I think he's angrier at the fact that we had sex without me ever telling him who I was."

"Nah, nah, nah," Charlie said while covering his ears. He obviously didn't want to hear about Edward and me having sex, and I sure as hell didn't want to talk about it with him either. I still seemed to have an overwhelming need to protect Edward, just like I did when we were kids, even when it came to people talking negatively about him.

"Sorry," I muttered, silently promising not to mention 'sex' of any kind around Charlie.

Charlie and I spent the next few hours talking and getting reacquainted. Charlie said what he thought he needed to when it came to Edward, but I was an adult and he promised not to nag me about him. We talked about everything from his relationship with Sue Clearwater, to the strange people I talked to while working as a telemarketer. We discussed my baby and he was both excited and worried about his growing grandchild. He wanted to give me my inheritance early so I could move out of Edward's condo, but I didn't want to take Charlie's money, and I really didn't want to move away from Edward. Regardless of our technical relationship, we both wanted to be there for our baby. As long as I didn't cross anymore of Edward's boundaries, I was sure that we'd be able to handle living together peacefully.

My baby started letting me know that it was time to eat, but I worried because Edward hadn't gotten back yet.

"So, how about dinner at the diner for old time's sake?" Charlie suggested.

I looked out the window as if I was hoping Edward was sitting in his car in the driveway, but he wasn't and I was starting to freak out a little.

"I don't know where Edward went," I said quietly.

"Well, I just ticketed James a few days ago. Maybe Edward caught up with him."

I shook my head. "Edward knows he's trouble, he wouldn't hang out with him again," I said, almost trying to convince myself.

"I hope you're right."

And then the phone rang.

I didn't even think, I just answered it. I felt stupid the minute the phone touched my ear, it was Charlie's house phone, not my cell, so I didn't have any business answering it, but it was too late.

"Hello?" I said uncomfortably.

"Who the hell is this?"

"Emmett?" I recognized.

"Who is this?" he asked more calmly.

"Uh…Bella," I said stupidly.

"Bella? As in Bella Dwyer?"

"Yep, I bet you want to talk to Charlie don't you? Here," I said and handed the phone to Charlie quickly.

"Hey Em, how's Hawaii?" Charlie asked him. There was a long pause from Charlie as he listened to whatever Emmett was saying, and the fact that he kept looking at me, meant that Emmett was asking him why the hell I was there.

"Edward brought her here…..Yes, he came back, he said Jasper got him…..he came to Forks to tell me something about Ben….Just enjoy the rest of your trip Em, and I'll fill you in when you get back. Everything is fine, better than fine, just have a good time and we'll celebrate when you get back. Okay, I'll see you then, bye."

"Is he having a good time?" I asked after Charlie hung up the phone.

"Yeah, but of course, now he's worried about Edward."

_That makes two of us_. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to answer the phone; it was just an automatic reaction."

"Hey, I said no apologizing. Remember?"

"Right."

"You have every right to answer the phone; this is your home and always will be."

"Thanks dad."

"I love you. You know that right? Always have, always will."

I nodded and he pulled me into a hug. "I love you too dad," I said as he held me.

"Let's go get some grub, shall we?" he asked after letting me go.

"Ok, I just want to go call Edward first."

Charlie grimaced, but didn't say anything as I pulled out my cell phone. I dialed the number, but it went straight to his voice mail. Shit, where the hell was he?

Charlie and I went to the diner, but I spent the entire time worried sick about Edward, so I couldn't even eat.

"Uh, can we get a box please Emily?" Charlie asked the waitress.

"Sure thing Chief, I'll be right back." Forks was a small town full of gossip, so I bet there were already a few rumors going around as to who I could possibly be, but I didn't care.

It was almost eight o'clock and pouring down rain, and I had no idea where Edward was. I must have left a dozen messages, but he never called back.

When we got back to Charlie's house, he made up the bed in my old room. It was like a time warp, everything was exactly the same.

"I could never bring myself to change anything in here," Charlie said quietly as I looked at all my old things. "I couldn't even open the door for the longest time, but Sue insisted that she dust in here at least, so I figured that as long as she didn't move anything, it was ok."

"Well, maybe now you can turn this room into something useful, like an exercise room or something," I teased.

"I don't need an exercise room, I'm as fit as a horse," he joked while rubbing his pot belly. "Besides, I was thinking that maybe if that baby is a boy, this might be a fun place for him to stay when he visits his old grandpa…or even if it's a girl," he corrected himself realizing that in my case, either sex would probably enjoy the room.

"Thanks for everything dad," I said sadly. I was so happy to be in my old home again and for my dad to finally see me for who I really was, but I was absolutely terrified about Edward. I didn't really believe that he'd ditch me, but what if he ran into an old girlfriend or something, and decided to go home with her. It made me feel absolutely sick, but at the same time, the alternative wasn't much better.

I could only come up with two possible reasons for his absence. One, the ex girlfriend hook up, or two, Charlie was right and the shock wore off, leaving him too scared to stick around and play house with me. He probably figured that I was safe with Charlie so it was the perfect time to go back to Alaska, or where ever the hell he was.

I suddenly became angry. Out of the two scenarios, him sleeping with some random chick was better, and I couldn't stand how it made me feel. He made it clear that we weren't a couple and would never be again, but I couldn't just stand by and watch him with other women either. I didn't know what to do. Despite my anger and feelings of betrayal, I still couldn't force myself to stop loving him. Alice and Charlie both expressed their fear of my willingness to go along with anything Edward wanted, and I hated to say that as pathetic as it sounded, it was true. I would stand by and watch him date other women, because I loved him more than anything and he was the father of my baby. I couldn't kick him out of my life, even if I wanted to.

I spent that entire night jumping at every little noise, hoping it was Edward crawling through my window the way that he used to when we were kids, but he never came. I laid awake until the sun came up, and then, I cried. I cried for an hour straight until I heard Charlie in the kitchen banging pots around. Charlie cooking was never a good thing, so I decided to go wash my face in the bathroom, and then relieve him of feeling obligated to make breakfast.

"Oh, hi," I said realizing that it wasn't Charlie in the kitchen.

"Hi…uh, who are you?" Sue Clearwater said warily. I met Sue a few times when I was younger, but I didn't remember her very well, and she obviously was coming to the wrong conclusion about me.

"I'm…Bella Swan…Charlie's daughter."

"Charlie's daughter?"

"Yeah, I…"

"Sue, hey, I didn't expect you this morning," Charlie said as he came trotting down the stairs.

"Yeah, what's going on?" Charlie sat Sue down and explained everything. She was shocked, but she never doubted that he was being honest.

I felt hallow inside, and with every passing hour, I felt like I was losing the strength to go on. I went to sit on the front porch bench, and just stared down the road, begging to see Edward's shinny silver Volvo appear. Every passing car gave me hope, but then the hope dissolved as the car continued down the street.

I felt lost, like a child who couldn't find their way home. I spent years without him and then the past couple months alone as well, but I couldn't fight the despair I felt at that moment, because I really thought we were embarking on a new page of our relationship. I knew it wasn't going to be perfect, but I was sure we'd always be friends. But he was gone, and he took all my hopes and dreams with him.

"What are we going to do now?" I whispered to myself as I rubbed my stomach. My short list of plans rested on Edward, without him, I had no idea what to do.

I stayed sitting on the porch for a while. Charlie kept coming out to talk to me, but I asked to be alone for awhile. It wasn't a busy street, but enough cars had past that I stopped looking up when the sound of a motor neared, but then a brown car pulled into the driveway.

I looked at the car confused, and then noticed that it wasn't actually brown, it was just covered with dirt and mud. My eyes widened as Edward stepped out of the car looking absolutely awful. His hair was dirty and sticking in all directions, and his clothes were filthy and wrinkled as they clung to his body.

"Oh my god, what happened?" I asked frantic, running to meet him in the driveway.

"God Bella, I'm so sorry," he said looking absolutely frazzled.

"Where have you been?"

He shook his head. "I went driving around, and I ended up at my old house." He grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the bench so we could sit. "My dad was there," he said unexpectedly.

"What happened?" I asked with a mix of concerned protectiveness, and fear that Edward was damaged permanently from the impromptu reunion.

"I swear I didn't think he'd be there, because I never would have went. This was a trip to see _your_ dad, and I just totally fucked it up like I do with everything."

"Me and Charlie are fine; just tell me what happened with your dad."

"Nothing really. He's in remission, and he's been sober for a few years. I don't know, he started spewing shit like how sorry he is and whatnot, I wasn't really paying attention. I got pissed at one point, so I jumped back in my car and planned to come back here, but I thought I should calm down first. So I started driving again and ended up at the road leading to the path up to the meadow."

"You got stranded?" I guessed.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. I just thought I'd walk up there, and then be back before dark. I don't know why, I just felt like I needed to go there. I got there easy enough, but then I lost track of time and I left my phone in the car. It started raining, so I decided to try to wait it out in the tree house, but it got late…and that damn tree house leaks, did you know that?"

I laughed. "Well, it was built by a couple nine year olds."

"Bella, I really am sorry. I don't know why I keep fucking up all the time."

I reflexively wrapped my arms around his neck, and pulled myself into him. "I'm just glad you're ok. I was really worried."

He leaned over to rest his forehead against mine, while I caressed his face. The dried dirt actually started flaking off with my touch, and I couldn't help but giggle.

Edward pulled away from me after hearing someone clear their throat behind me. I turned to see Charlie and Sue coming out of the house.

"Wow Edward, you look awful," Sue said as she walked towards her car.

"Well, you look beautiful as always Sue," Edward said sweetly.

"Oh, see I knew I liked you. Are you going to hang in town for a while?"

"Whatever Bella wants to do."

"It was great seeing you Bella," Sue said and kissed me on the cheek. "I'll see you soon?"

"Definitely," I said with a smile.

When Sue drove away, Charlie narrowed his eyes at Edward. "You going to go take a shower, son?"

"Do you mind?"

"Of course not, in fact, I insist."

"Thanks Charlie," Edward said and ran into the house.

"I don't even want to know where that boy was all night," Charlie grumbled as we walked back inside.

Just when we walked into the living room, we heard a loud rumble coming from out front, so Charlie looked out the window.

"Now, how did I know that he was going to show up today," Charlie said to himself.

"Who?" I asked confused.

"POPS!" Emmett's voice boomed from outside.

"I thought he wasn't supposed to be back for three more days?" I said nervously.

"He wasn't, but when I talked to him last night on the phone, he seemed really antsy. Emmett can't stand not knowing something."

"What the hell happened to Edward's car?" Emmett said as he walked through the door.

"Uh, he got stuck in the mud up on the mountain overnight," I said quietly.

Emmett chuckled. "Well, serves him right for going up there this time of year. He knows better than that. Hey Pops," Emmett said and then wrapped Charlie in a bear hug.

"Now, I know I didn't date much when you were growing up, so you don't know the proper way to treat a lady, but you don't skip out on vacation three days early and stay out of the doghouse," Charlie scolded Emmett.

"Ah Rose is fine, right babe?"

"Oh, I'm fine alright, because it was raining in Hawaii anyway and Emmett promised to take me to Rio after we get married," Rose said with a smile.

"So, what the hell is going on? Why did Edward bring you here?" Emmett asked me. "Where the hell is he anyway?"

"He's in the shower. He slept in the tree house all night, and it was pouring so he got a little wet," I explained.

Emmett smirked evilly, "and I bet he had to hike down the mountain in the mud…Fucking idiot." Emmett turned to Charlie again. "So what the hell did he have to tell you about Ben?"

"Uh, I was the one that had the information about Ben," I spoke up.

"Well, yeah, that's obvious since he was your brother. Is this news the reason why Edward took off to Alaska?"

I nodded. "Pretty much."

"Shit," Edward said as walked out of the bathroom and saw Emmett.

"Ugh!" Rose fumed, and walked right over to Edward and started smacking him on his shoulder and chest.

"Ow, ow, ow," Edward said with each hit. She tried hitting his face, but he ducked under his arm.

"I would be married right now if it weren't for you," she said bitterly.

"I know Rose, I'm so sorry," Edward said from under his arm. "I'll pay for everything that was nonrefundable, and I'll send you first class to where ever you want to go on your honeymoon."

Rose stopped hitting him then. "You better," she said calmer.

"Ok, enough with your shit," Emmett said to Edward. "You said that if I wanted to know what was wrong with you I should ask Bella, well now you're bother here, so tell me what the hell happened. Charlie said something about celebrating over the phone, so what the hell would he want to celebrate, that pissed you off so much?"

"She uh…" Edward paused, not sure if I wanted him to explain, or if I wanted to do it myself. I had no idea how to tell him and Edward noticed my panic, so he continued. "Ben didn't die in a car accident."

"What do you mean, how'd he die then?" Emmett asked confused.

Charlie came over to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder for support.

"He didn't die," Edward said slowly. "Renee lied so he could live how he was meant to live."

"What are you talking about?" Emmett asked frustrated.

"Ben was really…a girl."

Emmett scrunched his face in disbelief, but Rose automatically turned her head to look at me. She knew right away what we were trying to say, and she looked shocked and slightly betrayed. Alice was her best friend, and she knew we lied to her.

"How did you come up with bullshit like that?" Emmett asked Edward bitterly.

"He's not lying," I spoke up.

"So, _you_ told him this crap?" Emmett asked me. "I always knew your mother was a crazy bitch, but I can't believe you'd buy her nonsense. Pops, you can't believe this? There is no way Ben was a girl, we would have known, we…." Emmett noticed the way Charlie had his arm around me, and I could see his eyes move back and forth between us. "No fucking way….Holy shit!"

"I really don't know how you missed it Em," Charlie said with a smile.

"She…but…no….how?" Emmett was lost, trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner Em, I wanted to, but I just didn't know how," I said quietly.

"You're really my brother?" Emmett said with tears in his eyes.

"No, she's your sister," Charlie said quickly.

"Holy shit!" Emmett repeated and then grabbed me and lifted me into a giant bear hug. "Ah Ben, I missed you so much," he said while swinging me around.

"Her name is Bella," Charlie said defensively.

"I know old man, I get it. I just can't believe this. It's a fucking miracle," he said while squeezing me again. "You sure were one tough chick growing up."

"Well, I wasn't about to take any shit from anyone," I said with a smile.

Emmett smiled back widely, but then his smile faded and was replaced with a sour grimace.

"I'm really sorry Em; I know you must be feeling…"

Emmett put up his hand to stop me from talking. Suddenly, without warning, he turned to Edward and punched him hard, right in the face.


	16. Ch 15 Lost and Found

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 15 – _Lost and Found_ ~

**BPOV**

I couldn't believe Emmett actually punched Edward. Charlie, Rose and I all stood there like idiots, frozen with shock. Edward fell back from Emmett's force, but he quickly recovered himself, and with his hand over his face, he ran out of the house.

Emmett locked eyes with me for a brief moment, and then I ran after Edward. I didn't know where he was going, but I was scared to let him out of my sight, I couldn't lose him again, regardless of the fact that he wasn't mine to lose.

Edward ran onto the front foliage on the side of the driveway, but I stopped by the car, trying to give him some space.

"Since when do you run from a punch?" Emmett yelled from the doorway. I loved my brother, but my overprotective tendency for Edward started creeping up, and I actually had to fight the urge to retaliate against him. Edward got a lot of people pissed at him for various reasons, and I was always there to kick anyone's ass if they ever touched him, but I quickly realized that the altercation wasn't going to be any more physical than the one punch.

"Fuck you. I just didn't want to get blood in the house," Edward yelled back with his hand still over his face.

"Don't be such a pansy, you deserved a lot more for messing with my sister," Emmett said aggravated.

Edward dropped his hand, and the blood came pouring out of his nose like a faucet. "You broke my fucking nose, prick!"

"Shit," Emmett said guiltily.

I pulled my sweater off, and balled it up before walking over to Edward and pressing it against his face, trying to stop the bleeding.

"I'm fine, it's fine," Edward protested.

"No, you're right, I think it's broken," I said quietly.

"Of course it is. Emmett's a fucking monster, it's impossible for him to hit something without breaking it."

"Alright Bells, move to the side," Charlie said from behind me. I didn't want to move, but then I saw that Charlie had an ice pack. I reached for the pack, but Charlie pulled it away from me. "No, it needs to be reset."

"Then I'll take him to the hospital to reset it," I said sternly.

"I'm trained to do this, if he goes to the hospital he'll be there all day."

"No, at least he'll get some numbing medication."

"I wouldn't bet on it. I swear, I know what I'm doing."

"You should just leave it crooked, he fucking deserves it," Emmett said harshly, still refusing to move from the doorway.

"Now Edward, this is going to hurt like hell," Charlie said. Edward sat back against a tree and waited for Charlie to do what he was trained for. He learned to fix noses in the police academy as a way to avoid hospital trips for convicts, but that didn't make me feel any better. Charlie had some stick things, but beyond that, I couldn't watch. I turned my head, but I heard a crack followed by Edward's muffled screams. I turned back quickly expecting to see Charlie covering his mouth from the sound of it, but Edward's mouth was unobstructed, he just refused to open it, holding his scream inside.

I grabbed his hand. "Are you okay?"

His face was bright red and the veins on his neck and forehead were popping out. He was clearly in a lot of pain and couldn't speak, but he nodded.

"Yeah, the re-break hurts a lot more than the initial blow," Charlie said with way too much enthusiasm in his voice.

I grabbed the ice and put it on Edward's face, which made him tense again, but he didn't make any more noise. I ran my free hand through his hair and gently pressed my forehead to his. "You're going to be ok," I murmured. He looked at me, and our faces were so close together that I could actually see past the wall he built so strongly around himself, and for a moment, I could see that innocent little boy he once was, there in his eyes.

"Well, why don't we go inside and get some Advil in you," Charlie said, which made Edward pull away from me, and as much as I loved my brother and father, I suddenly wanted to leave.

We all went inside, but after Edward took some medicine, Emmett decided to lay into him again. "So, you knew she was Ben, but you didn't say anything?"

"I knew I was Ben all along, but I never said a word. Be mad at me Emmett, not him," I said defensively.

"I could see how being forced to live as the opposite sex would have screwed with your mind, so what the hell is his excuse?"

"How would you feel if Rose told you that she was really Felix?" I asked him, knowing it would force him to think.

Emmett was quiet for a moment, but then shook his head. "Nope, not the same. Felix was my rival, where you two were best friends. He should have been a little bit more understanding."

"Look Emmett, I'm sorry for bailing on your wedding, but I'm not sorry I didn't tell you why. The truth is that it wasn't my place to tell you, and…"

"The fuck it wasn't. You are the one who told me now, so what difference does it make?"

"I told you now, because she was standing right here and ready for that information to get out. She obviously wasn't ready before, because if she was, she would have told us."

"So why'd you come back?" Em asked Edward.

"Jazz told me that you postponed your wedding, and I felt like shit. I felt like shit before that, but I just didn't have the motivation to comeback sooner."

"So, what, now everything is good again between you two? You just forgave each other and everything is peachy?"

"We both just got back two days ago, so we're still working it all out," I explained.

"So, are you going to be staying here with Pops then, or are you going back to Alice's?" Em asked me.

"No, I'm still going to be living with Edward."

"Why?" he asked bitterly.

"Because, we're going to have a baby." I said slowly.

Rose took in a sudden hard breath, and then she covered her face with her hands before getting up and running off, assumedly up to Emmett's room.

Emmett shot Edward a death glare, "I'm sorry Em, I didn't even think," Edward said quietly.

"No, you never do, do you?" Emmett stood and followed Rose upstairs.

"What just happened?" I asked confused.

Edward took a deep breath. "Rose can't have kids. You didn't know that?" he asked me confused.

"No," I said feeling like the scum of the universe. "Why, what's wrong?"

"She has endometriosis. She found out three months ago that she'd never be able to conceive, and Emmett said she was really devastated."

"I can't believe she never told me or Alice," I said to myself. "God, and I got pregnant so quickly, I feel awful."

"Don't feel bad Bells, you didn't know. And even if you did, you can't stop yourself from telling them your pregnant," Charlie chimed in.

"I know, I just feel so bad for her, I know how much she loves kids."

After a while, Emmett and Rose came back down, she was quiet and distant, and he was just angry.

"Edward, thank you for bringing my sister home, but you can leave now."

Edward looked at me, and then back at Emmett. "I can't, not unless Bella wants me to. I'm sorry Rose, for everything, I really never meant to screw up so much."

"What are you apologizing for? You already said sorry for the wedding, what else did you do?" Rose said unexpectedly. "You two are having a baby, that's wonderful; I'm just a little oversensitive right now."

"Rose, I'm so sorry, I had no idea," I whispered to her.

"I just hope you will allow me to spoil my niece or nephew rotten."

I smiled and nodded. "Of course." I hated the idea of spoiling, but I wasn't about to say that to Rose after I just upset her.

I was so caught up in my guilt towards Rose, that I didn't even notice the quiet exchange happening between Emmett and Edward at first.

"Edward, look. I remember everything you ever said about Bella, and there is no way that I want you anywhere near her anymore."

"I'm not going to walk away from my kid," Edward said determinedly.

"So, it's only about the kid then? You're done with her completely?"

"Emmett, I've known about this a day longer than you have. How the hell do you think I can answer a question like that right this minute?" Edward said heatedly, and then he got up and walked out the front. Emmett followed him, and I of course followed Emmett.

"All I'm saying that is if you don't want to be with her, then you don't have to. She can stay here with Pops, or she can stay with Rose and me. You can see the baby as much as you want when it comes, but until then she sure as hell doesn't need to stay with you."

"Okay, stop!" I yelled at them. They looked at me surprised because neither of them knew I was even standing there. "I'm not a child, and I don't need anyone telling me where I'm going to live!"

"Bella, all I was saying is that he…"

"Em, I appreciate you being the protective big brother, but I can take care of myself. Everyone thinks Edward has an ulterior motive, which is ridiculous. He's not leading me on, I'm not living with him hoping he changes his mind, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into. We're going to live together for our baby, and if either of us want to change the living arrangement, that'll be ok."

Emmett took a step closer to me and leaned into me intensely. "You think you know him, but you don't. I know him, and I'm telling you that he is not the guy you want to wait around for."

I looked up at Edward, and he was looking towards the trees shaking his head to himself. Emmett was talking quietly, but Edward could hear him and Emmett didn't seem to care. I really didn't understand why both Emmett and Charlie acted like they cared about Edward before, but now he was the top of their shit list.

"Emmett, he's my baby's father," I said back to him just as intense.

"I hope he proves me wrong when it comes to you, because I really don't want to have to kill him."

"Bella, I'm going to leave," Edward said unexpectedly.

"Where? The last time you left, you got stranded on a mountain."

"No, the last time he left, he hid from you in the Alaskan wilderness. He couldn't man up then, and he can't do it now. How the hell is he going to be a father?"

"You need to spend some time with your dad and brother, I'm just going to go back to Seattle," Edward said, ignoring Emmett.

I shook my head no. I wasn't ready to be hours away from him.

"You can come back to _our _place in a couple days when Em and Rose come back to Seattle, or you can stay here if you want."

"Is that what you want?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"I _want_ to stop screwing everything up, I just wish I knew how."

"You don't have to leave," I said quietly, because it wasn't possible for me to speak louder at that moment.

"They don't want me here, and you don't need to be spending this time defending me. Besides, Emmett is right, we're not a couple so there isn't any reason for me to be here with you anymore."

I felt like he punched me in the stomach, and instead of crying about it, I just became pissed.

"Fine, if you want to leave, just leave!" I said angrily, and then stormed into the house and straight into my bedroom. I couldn't make him be with me if he didn't want to be, all I could do was try to find a way to let him go. It hurt like hell, but Emmett was right, I needed to accept that he didn't have any desire to be with me more than in a co-parenting sort of way.

…

**EPOV**

I couldn't stand there and watch her run away from me, I needed to escape. I knew she was upset with me, but I didn't know what else to do. My whole fucking world kept crashing down on me over and over again. I hated Forks, I knew there was a reason why I didn't ever want to go back.

I expected Charlie to be angry with me for treating Bella like shit when I found out the truth, I even half way expected Emmett to punch me for sleeping with his sister, but I didn't anticipate the amount of hate they were both spewing for me. I shouldn't have been shocked, I did deserve it after all, but I had done so many crappy things over the years and Emmett always forgave me, and Charlie was always friendly and caring. But I had gone too far this time, I wasn't dealing with some random woman, and of course their loyalties were to her first and foremost, I wouldn't want it any other way.

They knew the things I had done to various women in the past, so they knew better than anyone that I wasn't good enough for Bella. I could swear that I'd be different with her until the day I died, but I wasn't trust worthy, not when it came to her. I was a jerk who didn't care about hurting women's feelings, but I was so much worse to Bella. I was the guy who constantly got her into trouble as kids, I was the jackass who turned my back on her and made her life a living hell as a teenager, all because she kissed me and I didn't understand it at the time.

"You're a bigger idiot than I ever thought," Emmett said through my driver's side window. I was sitting in the car with my head against the steering wheel, contemplating my fucked up existence, and didn't even realize that Emmett was standing there watching my mental breakdown.

I looked at him but then looked away immediately and started the engine. He tried so long to fix me, but I guess it wasn't possible, and I couldn't even look him in the eye at that moment. I put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway, then shifted into drive and headed to the freeway. I refused to look in the rear view mirror as I exited Forks, and swore I'd never go back.

I didn't need my father spewing bullshit about starting over, I didn't need the small town gossip, and there was no way I ever wanted to go back to that deathtrap meadow. Even if Bella didn't want to come back to live with me, she hated that town just as much as I did, and I was sure she'd rather live with Emmett or Alice in Seattle then to stay there. No, I didn't need Forks for anything, and I would never go back.

The three hour car ride with Bella wasn't so bad, but driving back to Seattle alone really sucked. There was no traffic, but the drive felt like it took days instead of a few hours. I hated being confined in small spaces for any extended amount of time, and I hated going home to an empty apartment. You would think that after living alone in Alaska for two months, I'd be used to the solitude, but I wasn't and I hated that fucking condo almost as much as I hated Forks.

Maybe it had nothing to do with the condo itself, or Forks, maybe it was the fact that I had lived with Bella in both places, so living without her now was pure torture. We didn't technically live together in Forks, but between tree house campouts, and me crawling into her bed practically every night, it was close enough.

The next day, Bella called me on the phone.

"Hey, how are you?" she asked softly.

"Fine. Are you coming back here?" I didn't mean to sound so cold, but it just came out that way.

"No," she emulated my tone.

"Ever?"

"I just think that we need to do what's best for the baby, and maybe living together isn't it."

I felt my chest tighten as I realized that she was planning to stay in Forks indefinitely. I involuntarily squeezed my eyes shut as I fought back the pain that I had tried so hard not to allow myself to feel. My head somehow managed to find its way to the counter, and I just kept it rested there as she continued to talk.

"I'll call you when I know when my next doctor's appointment will be."

"Yeah, fine," I said then hung up the phone. My stomach twisted in knots as I realized that I was going to continue to be alone, probably for the rest of my life. I was going to be my kid's loser part time dad, who he or she sees once every couple of weeks and some holidays, then the kid is going to grow up hating me as much as I hate my father. Bella, will find some amazing man that won't treat her like shit, and he'll be the husband and father I could never even hope to be. Fucking bastard, I hated him already.

I lifted my head off the counter, then I threw the phone across the room where it shattered against the wall. I couldn't stand the idea of some fucker touching Bella the way only I had, but at the same time, I really hoped she would find someone to give her what I couldn't.

After my outburst, I decided to push it all away. I needed to focus and concentrate on getting back to work. Even if my kid grew to hate me, I needed to make sure it was at least taken care of financially. I was good at my job, not many people could go on a two month sabbatical then be welcomed back with a raise, but that's how good I was.

I threw myself into work, I was like a fucking machine, pumping out more business than my agency knew what to do with. It was only a matter of time until I owned the company, and then I'd do with it what I couldn't do in my personal life, I'd hang onto it. Eventually, I'd leave it to my kid, and if he or she didn't want it, than it'd be easy enough to sell and they'd be set for life, on top of the money I put away for him or her on my own. I didn't need a personal life, all I needed was to make sure that Bella and my kid could have one.

Two weeks later, Bella called again.

"Hey."

"Yeah, what's up?" I asked emotionlessly.

"Uh, how are you?"

"Fine, I've just been busy. How are you feeling?"

"Good, I haven't thrown up in a week, so that's a plus."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said whishing she would just get to the point of the reason why she was calling. I loved the sound of her voice, so that just proved that I wasn't as in control of my emotions as I needed to be.

"Sorry for the short notice, but my appointment is on Wednesday."

"This Wednesday?" I asked while getting out my blackberry.

"Yeah, at eleven. Can you make it?"

"In Forks?" I thought, suddenly dreading the thought of the appointment.

"No, I've been staying with Emmett and Rose."

"You have?" I asked relieved and slightly bitter. My animosity towards Emmett had grown over the past two weeks, and I didn't even realize it. I wasn't really mad at Em, but the truth was that it was just easier to blame others for my issues than to deal with them head on.

"Well, I actually wanted to stay with Charlie, but there aren't very many career opportunities for me in Forks, so I came back here."

I wanted to beg her to move back in with me, but I forced myself to stay quiet. She didn't deserve a prick like me, and I didn't deserve the peace that I only got when she was around.

"Did you get your job back?" I asked her.

"No, they filled my position, but its okay. I'm going to wait until after the baby is born before I reapply. I've been working as a substitute teacher. It's not a consistent job, but it makes it easier to take days off whenever I need to."

"That's good."

"Yeah, so you'll be there then? Wednesday at eleven. It's on 34th and Main."

"I wouldn't miss it."

"Great, see you then," she said, and then hung up.

I was both dreading and excited for the appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I needed to hear the doctor say that everything was ok…and I wanted to see Bella, but that just worried me even more. I really needed to find a way to keep myself under better control.

Wednesday came, and with it, so did my nerves. Sometime over the past few months, I developed a strange stomach pain that created horrible heartburn, but the odd thing was, that it actually hurt worse the more stressed I was. My assistant at work saw my repeat antacid use, and she said that I probably had a stomach ulcer and I should get it checked out, but I just dismissed her.

I really liked my new assistant that they hired while I was away, but she was way too nurturing, and it was a little hard to get used to. I couldn't remember her name though; she kept repeating it to me, but I'd forget it the moment she left the room. I should probably try to write it down, or something.

"Hey," Bella said as she came into view. I got to the medical center a little early, so I was waiting for her outside the building.

"Hi," I said uncomfortably.

"You look nervous," she said with a grin. God she was beautiful. She wasn't wearing any makeup, and her hair was pulled into a ponytail, so nothing was obstructing her face. She looked exactly like she always had, and yet I couldn't see that boy I knew anywhere. How could I have been so fucking blind for so long?

"Yeah, I am a little nervous," I admitted. "Are you?"

She shrugged. "I've already been to one of these appointments, so I know what to expect. But I guess going to the doctor is always nerve racking. Thanks for sending over the clothes, by the way. I tried fitting into some of my old stuff, and I couldn't even come close to buttoning the pants."

"Well, I tried on some of the shirts, but they didn't look right on me, so I figured it was better that you had them," I said. She raised her brow, and then laughed. I had to admit, the joke took me by surprise too. I had no idea that I was in a joking type of mood. "Come on, let's go in," I suggested.

She started biting her nails as we waited to be called, so I grabbed her hand and held it down on her lap.

"Ok, maybe I am a little nervous. I just can't believe I'm already four months along, it's like I'm almost half done."

"Have you thought about where you're going to live after the baby is born?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I'm just taking it one day at a time."

"Isabella Swan," the nurse called, so we got up and followed her inside. Our hands were still linked.

We didn't speak as we waited for the doctor to come in, but between her nail biting and my incessant leg shaking, it was obvious that we were both anxious.

There was a slight knock on the door, and then it opened.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Cullen, you must be Isabella?" the blonde, entirely too young looking, male doctor said as he walked in the room.

"Yes, hi, nice to meet you," Bella said casually.

"And are you the father?" he asked me.

I thought about being a smart ass and saying 'yeah, who the hell else would I be', but then I thought better of it. "Yes, I'm Edward Masen."

The doctor raised his eyebrows at me. "Edward Masen, as in Edward Masen advertising exec?"

Was this guy a mind reader on top of a too young OBGYN?

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Ah, my wife Esme is your new assistant."

Esme, right. Hard name to remember. "Oh, wow, small world."

"Indeed it is."

"I hope she hasn't said anything too bad about me," I said jokingly, but Dr. Cullen didn't laugh.

"Not too bad," he answered humorlessly as he started looking over Bella's chart. "How are your prenatal vitamins working for you Isabella?"

"Uh, Bella," she corrected. "They seem fine."

"And the morning sickness?"

"All gone," she said with a smile, but then it faded. "At least I hope it's gone."

"Ok, let's get started, shall we?"

Bella laid back and lifted her shirt. I couldn't believe how much her stomach had grown over the two weeks since I saw her last. I didn't notice it with her maternity shirt on, but there was a definite bump protruding out of her abdomen. I felt sick seeing her that way; it was like I was missing my child growing, and I absolutely hated the feeling. I wanted to see it every day. I wanted to be around Bella so much that I didn't even notice her growing stomach until one day it became just too big to move around.

After measuring and pushing, finally the doctor turned down the lights to start the ultrasound. There was suddenly a loud whooshing sound and the thumping of what could only be the baby's heart.

I looked on the small screen, and there staring back at me, was my baby. It looked more like an alien monster shrimp with limbs, but I had never felt anything like what I felt while looking at him. It was a baby, and it was half Bella, and half me. I wasn't religious at all, but I wondered why any god would ever think to make me a father, but I couldn't help being thankful for it. It was absolutely astonishing.

"Wow, it's gotten so much bigger," Bella commented.

"Everything looks to be right on target for a sixteen week gestation age," the doc said.

"So, it's healthy and will be born alive? What are the chances it'll develop some sort of disease and die sometime during its life?" I asked without even really thinking.

"Uh…it looks very healthy at this stage, but it's only human so I can't guarantee its life span."

"Well, maybe we should go to someone who has more experience," I said because his apparent young age probably meant he was inexperienced.

"Of course you are free to go to any doctor you'd like, but I doubt they'll give you much of a different answer."

"No, you're fine, _we're_ fine. Edward just has a fear of people dying," Bella explained before shooting me a scolding look.

"Ok well, everything looks good. If you choose to keep me as your doctor, I'd like to see you again in a month."

"Thanks Doctor Cullen," Bella said, and then she kicked me when I didn't repeat her.

"Oh right. Thanks," I said grudgingly.

"You're welcome. And Mr. Masen."

"Yes?"

"Esme likes daffodils. Just remember that when assistant appreciation day comes."

"Right, thanks for the heads up."

We walked out to the receptionist and I paid for the visit. Bella's insurance still didn't kick in, so we had to pay out of pocket, and there was no way in hell I'd allow her to pay herself. She didn't seem happy about me paying, but she didn't say anything.

"So, what are you doing for the rest of the day?" I asked her as we walked to the parking lot.

"Not much. I purposefully took the whole day off."

"Do you want to go get some lunch?"

"Are you going to let me buy my own?"

"Probably not," I said honestly.

She pressed her lips and looked like she was going to protest, but then she sighed. "Ok, where do you want to go?"

"Why don't you just come with me in my car, and then I'll drive you back to pick yours up here afterwards."

"Rose actually dropped me off here. I told her I'd get a cab back."

"What happened to your car?"

She shrugged. "I don't really need a car in the city."

"Yeah you do, what about when the baby comes?"

"Alice and I share Renee's old car, it's not a big deal."

I huffed, but decided not to argue about it. We went to lunch at a little café in town, and surprisingly we both seemed to relax and actually have fun.

"Guess who visited me yesterday," I said with a smile.

"Who?"

"My good friend Mr. Goose."

"No way," she said in disbelief.

"I'm not kidding. I was walking to the corner coffee shop, and there he was, barking at me as if he was pissed that I don't visit him anymore."

"You know, most geese look the same."

"No, you're just bitter that he fell in love with me instead of you."

"Well, the gay goose wouldn't really want me, now would he?" she teased.

"Laugh it up, but I have a friend for life in that goose. In fact, since I have a big empty condo, I might just bring him in to live with me."

"Oh yeah, well that's not such a good idea."

"Why not, doesn't make sense for me to have two big empty rooms."

"Well since you lost your need for cleanliness, it might become a health hazard to live with all the bird shit all over the place."

"Nah, I'll just train him to use the toilet."

"Right, let me know how that works for you," she laughed.

"What the hell are you eating?" I asked after the waiter brought us our food.

"It's a burger," she said confused.

"Yeah, but it's got avocado on it."

"So?"

"You hate avocado," I said remembering the time when we were twelve and she barfed because Sue Clearwater made us sandwiches with avocado.

"I know. Damn pregnancy cravings. Here, try it," she said and shoved the burger in my face, forcing me to take a bite.

"Wow."

"Good, huh?" she said with a smirk and then wiped my lips with her thumb before putting the same thumb in her mouth.

"That was disgusting," I said surprised that she would do such a thing.

"Oh, but it taste so good," she giggled.

We spent the rest of lunch laughing, and I couldn't remember the last time I felt so calm, it was like nothing in the world was wrong. It was strange being so casual with Bella though, it was much more like being with my friend Ben then it was being with a girl I used to date. The conversation flowed easily, and we talked about baseball and other unimportant topics. I often found myself wondering if she was really interested in the things we were talking about, or if she just was just trying to engage in a conversation she knew we wouldn't argue over. I started questioning how much of our childhood she spent saying and doing things she thought a boy would be interested in, and how much was actually her.

I suddenly became desperate to know her, the real her. Perhaps she didn't even know herself, how could she after pretending to be someone else for so long. Maybe she needed to find herself along the way, maybe we both did.

It was strange that Emmett went back to hating me the moment he realized that 'Ben' was still alive. Before Ben 'died', Emmett never liked me and now that Bella was there, Emmett and I didn't need to fill that role in each other's lives anymore. I had tried so hard to feel nothing for her, but that lunch proved once and for all, that it wasn't possible. I lost a friend when Ben disappeared, only to find a friend in Emmett. But with Bella, I didn't need any other friends, I just needed to try to find a fraction of what we once had as kids, and I'd be ok. I couldn't let it get as intense as it once was, I had to keep her at arm's length, it wasn't a choice, it was a matter of survival.


	17. Ch 16 Finding Friendships

**Lies of the Soul**

A/N: Just a short and sweet chapter to move things along. Please forgive the short length; I wanted a small filler chapter until we get to more drama. If you've read my other stories, you know how I love my twists, so don't expect a HEA just yet ;)

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><p>~Chapter 16 – <em>Finding Friendships<em>~

EPOV

Bella and I went back to spending most of our free time together as we got to know each other, as well as ourselves. Oddly enough, it was me who had changed more over the years. Perhaps she would have been different if she was allowed to grow in a healthy normal way, but she legitimately seemed to enjoy most of the things she used to as Ben.

Things started out uncomfortably. I bought tickets to the Seattle Opera House thinking that would be something she would enjoy. Sure it was a little sexist, but all the other chicks I knew liked shit like that.

"Why did you buy tickets for the opera?" she asked confused.

"Have you ever been?"

"No, and I never realized that was something I should feel deprived about either," she said with a giggle.

"How do you know if you like something or not, if you never try it?"

"Hey, I'm up for anything."

I dressed in one of my suits, and went to pick her up at Emmett's place. I didn't go up to get her though, I just stayed in the parking garage and texted her that I was there. Maybe it was a coward move, but I really didn't want an encounter with Emmett to ruin the night.

She came down in a simple black cocktail dress, which hugged her growing stomach in the most amazing way.

She bit her bottom lip nervously as she noticed me evaluating her body. "I wasn't sure if this was like the New York Opera and I was supposed to dress formal or not, so Alice said I should go in between to be safe."

"You're perfect," I said in awe of her flawlessness.

Bella and I agreed to keep our relationship friendly, so the fact that we were both dressed up and sitting so close to each other in a darkened theatre, was more than uncomfortable. The first act began and at first we watched quietly, but by the second act, there was some definite snickering coming from the seat next to me.

"What is so funny?" I asked a little irritated. I was actually enjoying it, although I'd never admit it out loud.

"Well, every time they close the curtain, I think it's over, but they just keep coming back out," she whispered.

"Why do you think it's over, we've only been here for like twenty minutes?"

"You know what they say, 'it aint over until the fat lady sings'. Well, the fat lady keeps singing, but it just doesn't end," she said while giggling noiselessly.

I tried to keep a straight face, but I lost the battle and couldn't help but laugh silently with her. "Do you want to get out of here?"

"No, you bought the tickets; we should at least stay until it's over."

We both went back to watching, and then another heavy set woman came out and belted an amazing power ballad. When she was finished, the lights went down and everyone clapped, but when the lights came back up and they started a new song, Bella and I both started busting out laughing again.

We got several shushes and a lot angry glares from people around us, so I decided it was time to leave. _Perhaps our next event should be a baseball game._

"Ok, let's go," I said with a chuckle and started getting up.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm having fun, really."

"Well, let's go find some better fun."

"Okay," she said and followed me out.

"Want a hotdog?" I asked her as we got to the car.

"Hell yeah, when do I not?"

The hotdog stand in the park that we used to go to, was only open during the afternoon, so we went to another place I knew a few blocks away. I ordered three hotdogs.

"Ok, yeah, these are better than the ones in the park," Bella admitted as she devoured hers. "Who is that one for?" she asked curiously.

"Alistair," I said as if it was obvious.

"We're not at the park," she said with a grin.

"Doesn't he live there though?"

"Yeah, I think he does."

"Let's go visit him."

She smiled. "Okay."

We searched the entire park, but we couldn't find Alistair anywhere. "You know, the mayor has been trying to run homeless people out of the city for a while now, maybe it finally happened," I said quietly.

"What if he's sick or something?" she asked worriedly.

"Nah, he's probably at a shelter." She didn't seem relieved by the thought, so I found myself putting my arm around her as comfort. She leaned her head onto my shoulder, and we just stared out into the darkness over the small lake.

And then, there was a bark.

"Shit!" I jumped startled and actually fell over.

Bella couldn't stop laughing, "Well, I guess you were right, he does have a crush on you."

I got up quickly to face my stalker. "Hey man, you wanna come home with me?" I took the bun off of the leftover hotdog, and started tossing the goose chunks. Bella kept laughing.

"He's going to try to kiss you again," she said between giggles.

"No, but you're going to have to let him sit on your lap on the way back to the condo."

"What? There is no way in hell I'm touching that bird."

I started walking backwards leaving a trail of bread behind me so the goose would follow, but then, the unexpected happened. My goose multiplied.

"Fuck!"

Bella, of course, laughed even harder than before. "I told you there was more than one."

Before I knew it, there were five identical geese barking at us, and I was out of bread.

"What now?" I asked in a panic.

"Well, since I'm pregnant, you're going to sacrifice yourself for me," she joked…at least I thought she was joking.

"Ok, on the count of three, run to the car," I said as the barking got louder. "One…"

"Three!" she said and ran towards the parking lot.

"You're a cheater!" I yelled as she reached for the car handle.

"Come on, unlock it!" she squealed.

"Oh no, I think I should let you get better acquainted with the geese."

"No, let me in!"

"Relax, the birds aren't following us," I said and unlocked the door so she could get in.

"I don't get it, I thought geese didn't come out at night," she said while trying to calm down from laughing.

"They just sensed my presence."

"Oh, so _all_ geese have a crush on you now, huh?"

"Naturally."

"Well, I better stay clear of the lake then. They might sense that I'm carrying your baby, and they may want to peck me to death to get rid of the competition."

"There's no competition," I said with a straight face. "I can't imagine anything better than kissing a goose bill, haven't you ever seen 'Howard the Duck'?"

"Is that a movie or something?"

"Yeah, it's about a talking duck that smokes and fucks some chick."

"Like a human chick, or a chicken chick?" she asked confused.

"No, a human. Ducks are the best lovers, so don't give up on our geese friends," I joked.

"Right, I'll remember that."

I drove out of the lake parking lot and onto a main street, when suddenly there were flashing lights in my rear view mirror.

Shit.

"Just ignore it," Bella said unexpectedly.

"What?"

"Emmett is working tonight, I'm sure he's just messing with us. You're not breaking any traffic laws, so it's not some other cop."

"That prick," I said quietly.

I drove towards Main Street, but the flashing continued to follow. The road was virtually empty, so I decided to mess with him; I sped up, and then slammed on my breaks. I didn't do it rough enough to hurt Bella, but it was more of an annoyance than anything. I then cut across a parking lot curb, and drove down an alley as a short cut to his apartment, intending to let Bella out to go home for the night.

"He just doesn't let up, does he?" I said as I put the car into Park.

"I don't know why he's being such a jerk," Bella said.

"STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" a voice came over a megaphone…a voice that wasn't Emmett's.

"Shit."

"Oh my god, it's not Emmett," Bella said in a panic. "Edward, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine; I'll just explain what happened." I stepped out of the car and put my hands up. With his gun drawn, the officer walked closer to me. "I'm sorry sir, I just…"

"You have the right to remain silent…."

Fuck.

"Officer, I can explain…" but he didn't let me explain. He threw me down on the hood of his car and handcuffed me. After putting me in the back of his cruiser, he went to go question Bella. They talked for a minute, but then the officer shook his head before coming to sit behind the wheel.

I was taken down to the station and fingerprinted, and the whole time I kept wondering how the evening could have started out so well, and then end with me in jail. What the fuck did I do wrong?

They questioned me and I explained what happened, but they really didn't care. I didn't understand why I was taken to a cell. Besides breaking some traffic laws, what the hell did I do? I wasn't drunk, so they should have just given me a few tickets and then let me go home. All they had was the fact that I outran an officer, but I doubted that I should have been put in jail for that. But to be honest, I wasn't surprised, I always had shitty luck and I was used to it by then.

A few hours past, and then I got a visitor.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

"Go to hell, fuckhead," I said bitterly.

"Your nose looks good," Emmett said apologetically.

"Yeah, no thanks to you."

"I just want you to know that I didn't put him up to it."

"Who up to what?" I asked confused, but didn't really care at the same time.

"Officer Caius, the guy who arrested you. He's just a jerk, no one here likes him, but I'll get you out of here."

"Don't bother, just leave me the hell alone." Even though I didn't want to be in jail, I was stubborn and I didn't want Emmett's help even more.

"Look, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I was just worried about my sister, that's all."

"I'd never hurt her," I said angrily.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing by saying you don't want to be with her? It would be different if it was true, but it's not. I saw you crying in your car when you left Pop's house."

"I wasn't crying," I said appalled by the thought.

"Yeah you were. Why the hell do you think I called you an idiot? You were sitting in your car with your head against the steering wheel, crying. I just don't get it, why the hell are you forcing yourself to stay away from her?"

"I'm not. We just spent all evening together. We're always together, so what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Do you love her?"

"I really don't see how it's any of you business."

"Edward, come on. I'm sorry man, I overreacted and you know damn well what it's like to do that."

"Why the hell did you convince Bella not to move back in with me?" I said angrily.

"I didn't. I told her that I didn't understand it, but she's an adult, Pops and I didn't even talk to her anymore about it after you left. _She_ made that decision. Whatever the hell is going on between you two, is _your_ business and I'm not going to get in the middle of it. She's my sister, but…I miss you bro. I was worried because you said all those hatful things about her that day I found you drunk in your condo. But I realize that you had just found out, and I know that couldn't have been easy. I saw how messed up you were about it, and I called you an idiot because I didn't understand why you were leaving when it was obvious that you love her."

"Why the hell, do you care? We both know that we were only friends because you thought that's what Ben would have wanted, so you don't need to come in here and try to reestablish that relationship. Bella is here, you don't need me anymore."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Ok, maybe in the beginning I was trying to help you get your life back together because I thought Ben would have wanted that, but you're my best friend. That has nothing to do with Ben, or Bella. I love you like a brother, and that's just because of _you_. I know I hurt you and I'm sorry about that, but I want to put this shit behind us. Rose and I are getting married in two weeks and you're still my best man, but I can't put it off again, so I'm getting married with or without you. Please be there man, I really need you by my side."

I stared at him for a moment, and then I sighed and nodded. "You know I'll be there."

"Good. Then I'll go work on getting you out," he said with a cheesy grin.

Twenty minutes later, he came back and unlocked the door to my cell. "All free. Come on, I'll give you a ride home."

"Thanks Em."

I hated fucking police cars, but sitting in the front seat wasn't as bad as sitting in the back.

"So, how terrified are you of becoming a father?" Emmett asked casually while he drove. We hadn't really talked since he found out that Bella was pregnant, so we were catching up.

"I just hope I won't screw it up like I do with everything else," I said honestly.

"Oh, you will. I think every parent screws up sometimes. No one's perfect, right?"

"Yeah there's normal screwing up, and then there's screwing up at my level, which is far worse."

"Nah, you got to give yourself some slack every once in awhile. Look how far you've come, no one ever thought you'd make it to you eighteenth birthday, and look, you'll be twenty five soon. You're a shark at work and have a great condo, and now you're going to be a dad. I think you're doing pretty well, you just need to figure out what exactly you want out of life."

"I know what I want, I just don't know how to get it."

"No, you're just too scared to get it. You had a lot taken from you in your life, and so you close yourself off to avoid any more pain."

"Maybe you're right, but I still can't just magically turn off those feelings. I'm not going to get into another relationship of any kind unless I can put everything I have into it, and right now, everything I have is focused on my work and the baby. I can't handle anything else at the moment."

"So basically, you don't want to be with Bella unless you're sure you won't ever lose her again," Emmett concluded.

"Basically." I said coldly. I wasn't angry, but I just didn't want to be talking about my love life, or lack thereof, especially with _the only woman I ever loved's_ brother. "Oh, I need to go to your place," I said as he turned towards my street.

"Why?"

"Because I was taking Bella home when I got arrested, so my car is in your garage."

"Oh, Ok."Emmett pulled into his parking garage, and handed me my keys and other personal items that was taken when I was arrested.

"Are you still on the clock?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I just got on a couple hours ago, so I got like twelve more hours to go before I'm off."

I nodded. "We should get together for a beer or something when you're off."

"Hell yeah. Plus, since you're my best man again, I'll be expecting a kick ass bachelor party next week."

"Definitely. I'll get together with Jasper and work out the details."

"Cool. I'll see ya?"

I nodded again, and then I went to my car and drove home for the night. I checked my phone, and there was a text from Bella.

**Bella: Please call me as soon as you get home. I called Emmett and yelled at him, but he said he didn't know anything about it. I don't care how late, just please call me.**

It was two in the morning, but I called her anyway because I knew she'd be awake.

She answered on the first ring. "Edward, are you ok?"

"Yeah, Em got me out of it. I'm not exactly sure what he said to them, but I don't really care either. How are you?"

"I was worried about you, so I couldn't sleep. Are you sure you're ok?"

"I know we haven't known each other very long as adults, but I have to tell you, that wasn't the first time I was arrested. I'm fine, I swear. Emmett and I seem to be good again."

"Really?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I guess I need to put together a bachelor party for him next week."

"I'm really glad. I hate that I caused a wedge between you two."

"It wasn't you, or him. I just screwed up so many times that he didn't know how to trust me with you. But, he's my best friend, so we forgive each other."

"Yeah, I really miss that," she said quietly, and I felt like shit again. I would hate to hear her calling someone else her best friend, but the truth was that Bella and I were never best friends, _Ben_ and I were. We still had to go a long way to get back even close to what we once were, but at times, I did feel like we could be heading in that direction. We got along perfectly, and I hated not being with her, but my relationship with her would always be completely different than my relationship with Emmett. Yes, Bella and I had sex, but it was more than that. Emmett and I had a very normal guy friendship, and the closer we got, the more I realized that Ben and I were _never_ normal. Our relationship was far too close and dependent on each other than two boys should have been, but it never seemed abnormal until I experienced the real world and a healthy conventional friendship with Emmett. And I would never have a desire to sleep next to Emmett.

"Ok, well you should get some rest," I said, trying to avoid any more talk about forgiveness. It wasn't that I was still holding a grudge for her lies, but I wasn't ready to move past everything yet. Perhaps it was my self-protection need to keep her at a distance, but either way, I wasn't ready to get into a deeply heavy conversation with her just yet.

"Yeah, now that I know you're ok, I'll probably be able to sleep."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

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><p><strong>*Digging into some heavier topics and a wedding, next. Please Review.<strong>


	18. Ch 17 Wants and Hopes

**Lies of the Soul**

**A/N: The web site is having issues, it deleated this chapter and wouldn't let me upload the next, so if this is a repeat for you, the new chapter should be up soon (Hopefully) It's finished and I'm just waiting for FF to work right.**

~Chapter 17 – _Wants and Hopes_~

BPOV

Time started moving quickly. Edward and I spent a lot of time together, but it was nothing more than friendly hang time, and he showed no interest in taking our relationship to a more romantic level. I knew he wasn't attracted to me in that way any more, but I couldn't help but hang on to the possibility that he would someday change his mind. I hated the desperate way I clung to that hope, I felt like an idiot loser for still wanting a man that didn't want me, but I couldn't turn it off either. I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him, regardless of how he felt about me. My feelings were nothing new, and they grew stronger with time. I was always hopelessly in love with him, but to him, I was always just a good friend. God, I was pathetic.

Even though I had already agreed to be one of Rose's bridesmaids, I never actually planned to go through with it, but since everything was out in the open, I had no choice. The fact that I was Emmett's sister, just sealed my fate, there was absolutely no getting out of it.

Alice and I threw Rose a bachelorette party, and the whole time that I sat there with my virgin margaritas, I couldn't help but wish I was with the guys instead. Women squealed a lot, especially when drunk, and my hormonal limited patience wouldn't allow me to effectively ignore it. I spent most of the night outside the club 'getting some air', but really it was just to escape the female hysterics.

"Hey baby, if you're ready to leave, I can take you home," some loser said to me as I was sitting on a bench outside the club.

"Oh, sorry not into threesomes," I said while leaning back to show him the unmistakable bulge under my shirt.

"Ah, you're pregnant," he started nodding. "I dig that. We can fuck bare and not worry about getting you knocked up…get it, cause you're already are knocked up."

"No, I get it. But why don't you do us both a favor and go fuck yourself."

"Now, why you have to be all bitchy?" the guy said and came to sit next to me.

"Maybe because I'm pregnant and don't want your diseased ass anywhere near me and my baby. So get lost," I said sternly.

"It's a free country, I can sit anywhere I want." Then, he crossed the line. He put his dirty, slightly yellow hand, on my knee. Since Alice forced me to wear a skirt that night, his disgusting hand was touching my skin.

"Remove your hand before I break it," I warned.

"What are you going to do about it sweetheart?"

He was messing with the wrong woman. Even pregnant, I was a hundred times stronger and faster than that scum, so I grabbed his hand and bent it backwards so hard that he actually squealed like an injured pig. When tears started rolling down his cheeks, I finally took pity and let him go, kicking him to the ground in front of the bench.

"Touch me again, and I won't be so nice."

The man looked scared shitless, so I wasn't surprised when he quickly ran off. Sometimes being raised as a boy wasn't such a bad thing, at least I learned how to defend myself, of course, being related to Emmett I probably would have known either way.

"There you are, I was starting to get worried," Alice said looking frazzled.

"Alice, I'm like six inches taller than you, why do you think you need to protect me all the time?"

"…I don't," she said after thinking about it for a moment. "I just got worried that…ok, I don't know why I was worried, I just was. It's my right as your big sister to worry…your big _little_ sister, or is it your little big sister?"

"Don't try to make sense of it, you'll just give yourself a headache."

"Well, I think Rose and her other friends are getting close to being ready to leave."

"Thank god," I said a little too honestly.

"If you weren't pregnant, you would have had a better time. Alcohol always adds to the fun."

"Fun of what? Dancing with other chicks, or getting picked up on by losers? Neither are appealing to me."

"Bella, despite the growing human in your abdomen, you're single. Eventually you're going to want to date, and when you get over your one way obsession for Edward, you might actually enjoy going to the clubs. That is where Rose and I met Emmett and Jasper."

"No, the fact that your best friend randomly met my brother in a club, just proves that either the world is too small and the available amount of potential mates is dwindling, or, there _is_ a such thing as fate and in which case, I don't have to do anything because I'll end up right where I'm supposed to be."

"Ok first of all, Rose met Jasper in a club and they went on a few dates before they tried to set me and Emmett up…"

"Ew," I said from the idea of my brother and sister dating. They weren't related to each other, but it was still a disturbing thought for me.

"But, had I decided not to let Rose set me up on a blind date that night, I wouldn't have met Jasper."

"Yes you would have, Rose was your best friend, so you would have met him eventually if they continued to date."

"Yeah, but had she not been immediately attracted to Emmett, I would have never let myself be attracted to her date. All I'm saying is that you have to put yourself out there. You can't be afraid to love and make a real life for yourself."

"I'm not afraid…I just know what I want and he doesn't want me back."

"The fact that you're hanging onto someone who doesn't want you back, _proves_ that you're afraid."

"No, it proves that I'm pregnant with his child so it's a little hard to see past him at the moment."

"Bella, I don't want to tell you how to live your life…"

"Yeah you do," I said with a chuckle.

"It's a disease, I'm working on it. Anyway, I just want you to be happy, and I know someday, when you're ready, you will be."

"Hey, let's bounce to the next club," Rose said as she came fumbling out of the club with two of her other friends holding her up."

"Oh no, I think we're done for the night," her friend Charlotte said.

"No, come on, let's go boogie."

"It's a good thing we decided to do this three days before the wedding, instead of the night before," I muttered. She was going to have one hell of a headache the next day.

When we got home for the night, Rose went straight to bed, and I texted Edward.

**Bella: N 4 the night, Rose is sloshed**

**Edward: LOL Em 2. Going 2 keep him my place 2night**

**Bella: OK C U 2morrow**

**Edward: night**

When the day of the wedding came, everything was chaotic. Rose turned into the bridezilla from hell, and Alice…well Alice was her usual bossy demanding self. I looked like a drag queen who forgot to wear a girdle to hold in my beer belly, but I refused to complain. It was my brother's big day and I was grateful to be a part of it as his _sister_.

The ceremony was perfect. A little frilly for my taste, but Rose and Emmett seemed really happy. Edward, of course, was beautiful in his tux and he and Emmett were definitely back to being as close as they ever were.

As a bridesmaid, it my job was to do anything Rose needed, so halfway through the reception I had yet to even speak to Edward once. I was starting to think he was avoiding me, but after the most ridiculous best man speech I could ever imagine, the dancing started and Edward found his way over to me.

"Will you dance with me?" he asked with his crooked grin.

"Are you joking?" I asked incredulously.

"No, why would I joke?"

"You're talking to _me_ here, remember?"

"You, as in the most beautiful woman here? Why wouldn't I want to dance with you?"

"Uh, how about the fact that I have two left feet. I don't have a graceful bone in my body."

"I have to disagree with that statement. Every bone in your body is graceful, come on," he said and pulled me up, not allowing me to say no. "Just let _me _lead."

"No way, I wear the pants in this relationship," I joked.

"Not today you don't."

Edward twirled and twisted me around. At first I was embarrassed, but after a few minutes I realized that no one was staring at us strangely, so I relaxed.

"Operas and dancing, huh?" I said with a grin. "Who would have thought?"

"There's a lot you don't know about me," he said unexpectedly.

"Oh yeah, what else?"

"Uh…I worked on a circus."

"Yeah right," I said disbelievingly.

"No really; right after high school graduation. I didn't want to go to college, so when the circus came to town, I begged the ring master to take me on the road with them."

"Ok, and what did you do?" I decided to humor him. I didn't believe a word he was saying, but I really wanted to see the kind of bullshit he was able to come up with.

"Well, at first I was shoveling manure, but then I just worked the ticket booth."

I shook my head with a grin.

"You don't believe me?"

"No, not at all."

"That really hurts," he said with mock offense. "Hey Em."

Edward danced us closer to where Emmett was dancing with Grandma Swan.

"What?" Emmett asked.

"Didn't I work on a circus for a while?"

"For like five minutes."

"No way, I worked there for a full summer."

"Yeah, he actually did," Emmett told me.

"Ha, I told you so."

"Why would you ever do something like that?" I asked amused and worried despite the fact that it was years ago.

"Because I was an idiot. I scored really high on my SATs and got a full scholarship to Washington State College, but I was afraid to go, so I spent the summer traveling around and doing nothing. When I had enough horse shit to last me a lifetime, I decided to go to college after all. But then Emmett told me you were dead, and I didn't take it too well. I nearly flunked out and spent all my time at frat parties getting drunk and stoned."

"How did you get your act together?"

"Did I ever really? Yeah, I sobered up and finished college, but I'm still an idiot."

"No, you're not. Stubborn, but not an idiot."

He smirked and nodded in agreement. "Are you getting tired?" he asked.

"Actually yeah. Are you ready to go?"

"Let's go say bye to everyone."

Since Emmett and Rose weren't leaving on their honeymoon for a few more days, I decided they should have their apartment to themselves for a while. I was going to stay with Alice, but Edward seemed offended by the idea so I agreed to stay with him as long as we both knew it was only for a few days.

"Congrats, you big oaf," Edward said to Emmett.

"You guys taking off?" he asked us. A lot of people were already gone, including Charlie and Sue, so he didn't really care if we left too.

"Yeah, are we going to see you before you guys leave for Rio?"

"Definitely. Come here sis," he said and wrapped me in one of his tight bear hugs.

"I'm so happy I was able to be here to see you get married," I said sincerely.

"It wouldn't have been complete without you," he said softly, and then let me go before grabbing Edward in a headlock. "Or you," he said while giving him a noogie.

Edward ducked out of Emmett's arm and backed away. "You're lucky it's your wedding day, otherwise I'd kick your ass."

"Right. Just a helpful tip Bella, don't mess with his hair. Way back when you were kids, his dad kept his hair really short, but since then, man; the boy's a little obsessed."

"Fuck you," Edward said with a smirk and then went to say goodbye to Rose.

When Edward and I went back to his place, I was surprised to find things different. I hadn't been back there since I moved in with Emmett, but I wasn't expecting anything to have changed.

"Why is all your stuff in the guest room?" I asked confused as I went in there to change my clothes.

"That's my room. I've been sleeping in there since I got back from Forks."

"Why?"

"I told you we were switching rooms."

"But I don't live here anymore."

"But if you decide to move back in when the baby comes, everything is all ready."

"_Everything_ is ready?"

"Yeah. Regardless of whether or not you move in, I'll still need a room for the baby when it comes here, so I fixed it all up."

"_You_ fixed up the baby's room?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, I had help from Rose and Em. Come on, I'll show you." I followed Edward to the smaller of the two guest rooms, and was stunned silent. "Since we don't know if it's a girl or a boy, I asked Rose to help me find stuff that was unisex."

The first thing I noticed was a crib, and my stupid pregnant hormones made it impossible not to cry. But after the emotions from seeing the crib wore down, I started seeing other things, and the room was definitely _not_ unisex, at least not to most standards. The walls were a light blue with puffy clouds and airplanes, then there were trains that ran around the border, but the main theme of the room was _baseball_.

"It's perfect," I said, my voice was thick as I tried to fight back the tears.

"Rose said that this was only a room for a boy, I personally think she's crazy. What girl wouldn't like this?"

"At least a girl of ours," I said with a giggle.

"Exactly."

"When did you do all this? I don't remember Rose saying anything about coming over here."

"Over the past week and a half. Rose said she tried talking to you about the baby's room, but you didn't seem interested so she thought you wouldn't mind if she did it for you as a surprise. She'd go shopping on her lunch break and then stop here after work. Em went with her sometimes so he could force her not to buy butterflies and pink bows. They can't have their own kids, so they said it was something they really wanted to help with, so I thought it was a good idea."

"It was a good idea," I agreed wholeheartedly. I never had a much of a desire to do a baby's room, but now that one was finished, I absolutely loved it.

And then there was a nudge, which caused me to gasp.

"What?" he asked concerned.

"Oh my god, feel this." I grabbed his hand and placed it on my stomach where I felt the bump. And as if on cue, it nudged again.

"HOLY SHIT!" he yelled. "Was that the baby?"

I nodded, having a hard time finding my voice.

"See, he wants you to move in here and stop moving back out all the time."

"Edward," I said while shaking my head and walking out to the living room.

"What, why not?"

"Look, I just don't think it's the best idea. What if we get into a fight, or…"

"We won't get into a fight; that's one of the perks of just being friends."

"And what happens when you want to bring one of your dates here. What are you going to tell her? '_Oh, this is my buddy Bella, we're having a kid together but you have nothing to worry about'_? I can't imagine any chick being okay with that."

The idea made me sick, but I needed him to understand that me moving in would never work in the long run. I moved in with Emmett and Rose because I realized that I'd never be able to watch him with another woman, and I sure as hell would never be able to be in his condo while he was screwing someone else.

"Bella, why the hell would I bring a woman here?"

"So, you just go to their place?"

"No. Do you go to other dude's houses?"

"No, why would you even ask that?" I said, disgusted by the thought.

"Why not? I've been reading the 'Belly Book'; it's safe to have sex while you're pregnant."

Even though I thought it was really cute that he was reading the pregnancy book, his persistence about me being with other guys, was just pissing me off. "What kind of man would want to fuck a chick that was pregnant with some other guy's baby?"

"There are a lot of guys who go after single pregnant women, because they can have sex without worrying about getting them pregnant."

My stomach churned as I thought about that sleazy guy at the club during Rose's bachelorette party. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.

"Did you ever do that?" I asked bitterly.

"No, I'm just saying that it's not impossible for you to find a guy to fuck. I wouldn't want to sleep here listening to that shit, and I doubt you would want to hear me in that situation either, so why would I do it?"

"Well I'm not dating anyone."

"Neither am I."

"That doesn't mean you won't in the future. I don't want to keep moving around and I don't want to get in the way of your life."

"Bella, I swear, I have no desire to be with anyone. I just want to focus on my job and the baby, and there isn't even time for anything else. To be honest, I'm scared shitless of the thought of being alone overnight with the baby when it comes, and if we don't live together, I'll have him by myself sometimes. And what if you're nursing? I don't want to have to wait until he's a year old to be able to have him with me."

I had to admit that what he was saying did make sense, but I was still scared of everything getting messed up again. "What if you change your mind?" I asked quietly.

"What if I die tomorrow? I don't know what's going to happen Bella, but my kid will always come first, and you and him are a package deal."

"Well, I guess it's a good thing we get along so well then."

He laughed. "Yeah it would have really sucked to have a kid with someone you don't really like."

"How about we just see how this week goes, and if we're not at each other's throats by the end, I'll consider moving back in."

He smiled widely. "Well that's easy enough. I'll just agree to anything you want so there won't be any reason to fight."

"No, that's cheating. You have to be normal so we can be sure it'll work out."

"I'll just agree to anything you want for the next eighteen years if that'll make you stay here until our kid is an adult."

"You are not going to be able to be single that long. Don't you want to get married and buy a house…get a dog?"

"No, I hate dogs, you know that."

"You know what I mean. You're going to _want_ a life other than a platonic relationship with your childhood best friend slash ex girlfriend. Don't you have any _hopes_ for a conventional family in the future?"

"Sometimes life has a way of moving past 'wants' and 'hopes'," he said solemnly.

"It doesn't have to," I said quietly. "Life is what you make it."

He shook his head. "Not for me. I'm tired of fighting for something that isn't meant to be."

"How do you know it's not meant to be, if you give up?"

"If it was meant to be, then it wouldn't be so hard to hang on to."

"The best things in life are the ones we fight the hardest for," I said with conviction. I wasn't exactly sure what we were talking about, but at the same time, I felt like we were making complete sense and finally getting to the heart of our issues. We were scared and had both been through a lot in our lives, and may never be able to have a normal relationship of any kind, but the difference between us was that I was still willing to try.

Most people who knew how I grew up, would think that I would have so many mental and emotional problems, but in truth, I really didn't have that traumatic of a childhood. I was cared for and loved, never in want for anything, and I was actually happy. I didn't even think about the fact that it was all based on a lie, it wasn't important to me growing up. Only after puberty, did I have a hard time carrying the burden of it all. But that was just physical discomfort; I was still happy and loved my life.

Edward wasn't so lucky. Everyone important to him was taken away. He was abused and belittled by the person who was supposed to love him the most, his father. I was the one who he trusted, I was the one who loved him and he loved just as much. I was the one who he ran to when he was scared, but I was also the one who lied to him. The reason why I lied didn't really matter, all that mattered was the fact that there was no one in his life who was ever honest and real with him.

Maybe Edward was right, maybe romance ruins friendships. We were still close as teens, so much closer than any other kids were with their best friends. It wasn't until I kissed him that everything got screwed up. And as adults, perhaps if we weren't having sex when he found out the truth, he would have never run off to Alaska for two months.

I decided in that moment that I would stop hoping for more from him. I couldn't stop myself from being in love with him, but I would stop whishing for him to hold me the way he did before he knew who I really was. We needed to start at the beginning and just be friends…friends who just happened to be having a baby together.

I would continue to fight for him, but it would be for his well being and best interests. If we someday moved past being just friends, it would be because that was our natural course, not because of something I pushed him into.

We were both quiet while we considered everything the other was trying to say, but I was the one who broke the silence. "Okay," I whispered, though it seemed like a shout compared to the stillness between us.

"Okay, what?" he asked confused.

"Okay I'll move in here. What's the worst that can happen, it doesn't work and I move out again? If you really want to try this one more time, I'm game."

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he needed to find a way to learn to trust people, and it had to begin with me. I hurt him the most, so if he could learn to trust me again, he could finally heal and move on.

The big cheesy grin didn't return to his face, but I knew he was still happy that I agreed to move back. We both knew it was a 'make it or break it' move. This time, us living together would solidify our relationship, whatever it may be, or it will tear us apart for good.

We spent the rest of the evening quietly. Neither of us could sleep at that point, so we lounged on the couch and each kept a hand resting on my belly. The baby humored us for a while, nudging every once in a while, but then it seemed to go to sleep and stopped. Our conversation stayed soft, but he started asking me about what it was like for me growing up. He wanted to know how I handled things like growing breasts, periods, and PE. He asked about my mother and wanted to understand why I still cared about her.

I had questions for him too, but he didn't really want to talk about him. It was like he was trying to get to know me all over again, and it actually felt really good. I was being completely honest, shying away from nothing, and he knew that I was past lying. I promised him the truth and nothing but, and in return, he promised to try to find the value in '_wants and hopes'_ again.

***Ok, please don't get frustrated, we are getting there. These things take time, but I promise, big things in the next chapter. Please Review***


	19. Ch 18 Aching Needs

**Lies of the Soul**

A/N: UGH! I'm so pissed at fanfiction right now; Yesterday it deleated chapter 17 (_or 18 if you're going by their numbers. My chapters are one behind because I had a prologue_) so if you're new to this story, make sure you've read the last chapter 'Wants and Hopes' before reading this one.

I still can't reply to reviews, I just get a note saying 'oops, that page is unavailable'. Is anyone else having this problem? Sorry for not replying to your reviews, I really have tried, but I appreciate every one of them.

OK, so I promised a big turn of events, and here it is. You may think this is unrealistic, but it's not, I've done my research and this does actually happen. (You'll know what I'm talking about when you read it)

* * *

><p>~Chapter 18 – <em>Aching Needs<em>~

BPOV

The next few months were relaxed and actually pretty fun. Edward and I were really getting along wonderfully, and were always giggling like a couple of silly kids. We took that time to reestablish our friendship, which was something we both needed.

Neither of us were dating anyone, we were platonically monogamous and focused on strengthening our bond. Like before, we were never apart, except for when we were at work. We usually slept in our separate rooms but we'd often fall asleep together on the couch; although just knowing we were under the same roof, helped me feel calm enough to sleep peacefully every night. After I first moved in with him again, I had a hard time keeping myself from sneaking into his bedroom and lying next to him, but that would have been crossing a line that we both needed to stay behind.

Our closest friends knew the status of our relationship and although they didn't understand it, they stopped questioning it as well. We would all go out as couples, and Edward and I were naturally always paired together. My seat was automatically next to his, and we always left together. The only difference between us and any other couple was that we didn't kiss and have sex. I even managed to bury my physical desires for him so deeply that I actually sometimes forgot what having sex was really like.

I started seeing a therapist, which I wasn't sure how beneficial it really was. It was very uncomfortable for me to talk about my past with a total stranger, but I tried for the sake of my baby. If I ever had the slightest potential of snapping and becoming crazy like my mother, then I wanted help to spot it ahead of time.

Edward surprised me one day by asking if I could set up a joint session with him, but when we got there and started talking about our issues, he became like a deer in headlights. I knew he wanted to work on his emotions for the sake of our baby, but he just wasn't ready and until he was, the sessions were pointless. I wasn't upset with him at all, he made a start by asking to go, but perhaps he just needed more time.

My pregnancy quickly approached the downward slope, and I was absolutely huge. Every month, Edward accompanied me to the doctor and we tried twice to determine the baby's sex by ultrasound, but both times, the baby was uncooperative and in a position where it couldn't be seen.

We enrolled in a child birthing class, but after we giggled through the first session and Edward vomited on the instructor during the birth video, we weren't welcomed back. Edward felt bad about getting us kicked out of class, so he hired a Lamaze coach to come give us a few private lessons.

Edward and I usually spent our evenings watching TV together, or reading. He liked to rest his head close to my stomach and talk to the baby, and I was sure the baby responded to the sound of his silky voice; _who wouldn't_? He was amazing with his foot and back massages, and was willing to go out at any hour to satisfy one of my cravings.

Finally, I reached my fortieth week, and Edward and I were both excited and terrified at the same time. Dr. Cullen said that it could be any day from then on, so I was never alone. Edward refused to go to work at that point, and Rose and Emmett stopped by everyday to check on me.

"You have my number right?" Rose asked Edward.

"For the millionth time Rose, yes," Edward said annoyed. Rose was my back up in case Edward couldn't make it through the birth. He promised he'd be fine, but after what he did during the Lamaze class, I had my doubts.

"Ok, I'll keep my phone by me."

"Bye Rose," I said after she left. Rose and I had gotten closer over the past few months, and although I credited our new bond to my growing stomach, I was happy to have her around.

"By sweetie," she said before blowing me a kiss and shooting Edward a reminding look.

"So, feeling anything yet?" he asked me anxiously as I got up from the couch to get a drink.

"Nope. I don't get it; didn't Dr. Cullen say I should be feeing those fake contraction hics thingys?"

"Yeah, and you're really huge so it's not like the baby isn't ready to come out."

"Thanks for calling me huge, jerk," I said with a smile.

"Well, you are," he teased. "That's a big boy in there."

"Or girl," I said, even though Edward was positive that it couldn't be anything other than a boy.

I was creeping into my forty first week, and I was so ready for my pregnancy to be over.

Since I was past my due date, we had been going to the doctor a few times a week, hoping I'd be getting further in my contractions, or lack thereof.

After my exam, Dr. Cullen shook his head. "This baby is just perfectly happy right where it's at. Your cervix is still thick and there haven't been any contractions, but the baby is more than fully developed. We can let it go to the forty second week, but after that we're going to need to induce."

I suddenly became terrified. I wasn't one of those organic all natural types of people, but the idea of synthetic hormones forcing labor to start, was kind of terrifying to me.

"The book said that long walks or spicy food can help bring on labor. Is that true?" I asked the doctor.

"It's all just theories….but the one theory that seems to work the best is _sex_."

"What?" Edward and I asked at the same time.

"Sex has been long thought of as a way to naturally induce labor. It's not been proven, but many of my patients have found success with it."

"Why would sex bring on labor?" I asked confused.

"Well, having an orgasm can help jump start contractions, but even more so, semen has a hormone called prostaglandins which helps ripen or thin the cervix. Since you're overdue, it could help you. But like I said, it's not a proven method and maneuvering around the large stomach can prove to be difficult."

I looked at Edward, but he didn't return my glance. I knew inducing labor with sex wasn't an option for us, but then I started to think about the alternative.

"So, if I don't go into labor within the next couple days, we induce artificially?"

"We don't like women to go any longer than forty two weeks; it's just not healthy for the mother or baby."

"What are the risks to artificial inductions?" Edward asked unexpectedly.

"Well, it's quite common and most of the time there are no noticeable side effects. But there have been cases of increased fetal heart rate, jaundice, increased risk of forceps or vacuum, and there is always an increased risk of C-section."

I started panicking silently from the mention of a C-section. I never had surgery of any kind before, and the idea scared the shit out of me.

"Go home, try to relax and let's see what happens. I want you to come back here in four days and we'll discuss our options from there."

"Thanks Dr. Cullen," I said with a shaky voice. I was trying to suppress my fear, but I wasn't really succeeding.

We drove home in silence. Edward hardly looked at me and I was worried that the mere mention of sex could have put a wedge between, us so close to when the baby is born.

"Are you hungry?" he asked finally after I sat on the couch and stressed about the very real chance that the baby would have to be cut out of me.

I shook my head no, but wouldn't look at him. I was too busy freaking out to eat or give him a proper response. After a while, I had an idea. I grabbed the laptop and started doing some research. On just about every site, sex was on top of the ways to naturally make labor start. Some articles gave reasons why it doesn't work, but most were in favor of it.

"What are you looking at?" he asked me quietly. I didn't even realize that he was sitting next to me on the couch until he spoke.

I quickly exited out of the site. I didn't want him to think that I was actually considering sex to be a possibility. We had come so far and become so close again, that I just didn't want to ruin it by him freaking out thinking I was just trying to trick him into sleeping with me.

"Nothing really. I was just hoping there were some other methods for me to try to get labor started."

"Did you find anything?" he asked hopefully.

"No, not anything that makes sense. I just really don't want to have a C-section."

"You won't. The baby will come this week," he said assuredly.

"How can you be so confident?" I asked wishing I was as secure as he was.

"I think we should try the sex thing," he said abruptly, taking me by surprise.

"Edward, we've come so far and sex will just ruin everything."

"Only if we let it. We agreed to do what's best for the baby, and I think we need to try this before risking anything artificial. We're adults, we can understand that it's just for the baby, and then you'll go into labor and we'll go back to being friends so we can co-parent our baby."

"No, it's not likely to be a onetime thing. Usually it takes having sex a few times to make it work, and it's just going to make things strained between us."

"It's your decision, but I think we should do whatever we can to avoid you having surgery."

I had suppressed my physical desires for so long, that finally allowing myself to think about sex again opened a flood gate of aching needs. I wanted him so bad that I didn't even think it were possible to say no, but at the same time, I didn't know how I'd be able to give him up when it was done. It was like playing with fire, and I was so scared of getting burned.

But Edward was right, the whole point to us living together was to do what was best for the baby, so having sex wasn't any different. It wasn't going to be easy, but I suppose all parenting and relationships weren't simple. If we fell apart over something so easily, then perhaps we were doomed anyway.

"People do the whole _friends with benefits_ thing all the time, right?" I asked him quietly.

"Yeah," he said strangely.

"And it's just until I go into labor, and then we can go back to how we are now. Just friends. We won't let this break us apart?"

"Of course not."

I nodded. "Ok, maybe we should try it."

I couldn't believe we were actually considering it, little alone agreeing to do it. I was scared, but then I realized that it didn't matter. I had already swallowed my love for him so many times, that I knew I could do it again, especially in this case.

He went to his bedroom to wait for me, and I went to mine to change. We weren't making love so there wasn't any point to getting completely naked, so I just put on one of my maternity night gowns and removed my underwear. I nervously went to his room and vaguely wondered why we weren't doing it in my room. I had the bigger room since he insisted switching, but for some reason, he told me to come to his.

When I opened the door, I nearly stopped breathing from the sight of him without a shirt on. He was so beautiful, and so damn sexy.

"Don't be nervous," he murmured.

"I'm not. You're the one who has to do all the work," I said teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.

He smirked. "Well, I think my job in all this is much easier than yours."

"No kidding. You better never complain about anything for the rest of our lives after I somehow manage to squeeze out _your_ baby."

He laughed. "I am already forever indebted to you for a lot more than having my baby."

He walked closer to me and hesitantly put his hand on the side of my neck, and looked as though he were about to lean into me.

"We don't have kiss," I said quickly. For some strange unknown reason, kissing him would have made it so much more difficult to move past, than the actual intercourse. If he kissed me, then every time I looked at his lips, I'd want them to be on me again. I was already plagued by such wants, and kissing him again would just make it that much harder.

"Okay," he said quietly to himself.

I sat in the middle of the bed, and laid back. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, and it just increased when he crawled over me. He was on his knees and used one had to hold himself up, and the other to lift up my nightgown and pull down his sweats. It was definitely awkward with my giant stomach, so after fumbling around like a couple of virgin teens, he decided to take a different approach.

"Here, scoot down," he said softly.

I moved my butt so it was at the edge of the bed. "Like this?" I asked unsure.

"Yeah," he got on his knees in front of me, so he was perfectly aligned with my opening. "Wrap your legs around me," he said with a thick voice. I locked my legs around his waist as he slid his hand further up my nightgown, caressing my thigh along the way.

He had his eyes locked to mine as his fingers found their way to my sensitive folds, and the intensity of his stare was so overwhelming, that I had to look away or I was sure to get completely lost in them. I wasn't watching what he was doing, so when he slipped two fingers inside of me, I gasped. I didn't understand why he was fingering me in that way at first, because I thought the whole point was just getting him to cum inside me, but as he started pushing them in and out and using his thumb to circle my clit, a rush of heat ran down my spine and right to my core. I was already a little wet before, but I was too nervous to really get there before he started rubbing me in that way.

Edward was way more experienced at sex than I was, so he must have known that what he was doing, was liable to cause a flood. I was slightly worried that my water had broken, but then as he continued I realized that it was just pure arousal.

"Edward," I panted.

He didn't respond with any words, he just pulled his fingers out and positioned his tip at my opening. Very slowly, he pushed himself into me. He didn't thrust like I was expecting, he just stayed still inside of me, staring at me so deeply, as if he were looking straight into my soul. Suddenly there was another rush of heat which made my walls clinch tightly around him. My orgasm took us both by surprise, causing me to gasp and tighten my hands into fists full of the blankets below me. But my climax didn't just affect me, Edward grunted when I tightened on him, and then there was more heat coming from him. His body stiffened and he grabbed onto my thighs for support as he emptied into me.

I wasn't sure if our motionless orgasms were due to a long period of abstinence, or if being attached in that way was just so overpowering that we couldn't hold on any longer. I had a feeling as to which it was for me, but I had no idea what was running through his mind at that moment.

He stayed inside of me for a few more minutes, and then without a word, he pulled out. He put his sweats back on, then laid next to me and rested with his head on his arm behind him. After a few more silent moments, he turned to look at me.

"Are you ok?"

I nodded, but I couldn't speak and the tingling on the tip of my nose warned me that the tears were soon to follow, so before he could see me crying, I got up and retreated to my bedroom as quickly as my oversized body could move. I shut the door behind me in hopes he got the hint to leave me alone, and thankfully he did. I put the pillow over my face to muffle the sound of my crying, but I was so hysterical that I was worried about him hearing anyway.

I was stupid to think I could handle it. The moment he pulled out of me, I felt like I was losing him all over again and I didn't know how to contain that loss.

I cried myself to sleep, but in the morning I woke up to the irresistible smell of bacon. Edward knew I had a weakness for bacon, so he must have been making it as a way to break the ice.

I sucked up my nerve and went out to face him. He had his back to me, but I was fairly certain that he heard me come into the room.

"Are you hungry?" he asked casually.

"Always," I answered quietly, trying to emulate his casual tone. I sat at the table and he put a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. "Thanks."

We ate together without speaking, and I wanted to cry again because I knew we ruined our friendship indefinitely. When we were finished, he picked up my plate and rinsed it in the sink before turning to face me.

"So, want to have sex again?" he asked unexpectedly.

Without taking a moment to think, I said "Yes."

He flashed me his crooked smile, and then walked over to me before sinking down to his knees in front of me. I still wasn't wearing any underwear, so all he had to do was lift my nightgown to expose me. Instead of using his fingers like before, he bent over and put his head between my legs and darted his tongue out, licking up my slit.

I was intent on not climaxing so quickly that time, I wanted to enjoy it and savor every second, but as he dipped his tongue in and out and between, I could feel that familiar tightening of all my muscles again. He always seemed to know when I was close, so he sat up and lifted me onto the table. This time, he wasn't still after pushing into me. He pumped into me with a certain desperateness, and I tried to hold on to my sanity, but I leaned back and couldn't stop myself from moaning louder than I ever remembered moaning before. My noises just made him speed up even more and we were quickly coming together with an eruption of euphoria.

I had forgotten how amazing it felt to be his lover, and the fact that it felt that good when I was so uncomfortably large, just made me ach to have nothing between us again. No baby, no clothes, and no emotional barriers. I hadn't been that close to him physically in almost eight months, but I haven't missed him physically more, than I did in that moment as well.

I didn't think it was possible to have sex but manage to build an even larger wall between us, but I worried that was exactly what was happening.

After that, we sort of morphed into a new strange coexistence. For the next few days, we became lovers but hardly spoke. It was purely physical and even though it felt amazing, I missed our friendship and realized how the platonic relationship we had, was so much better than anything sex alone could possibly give us.

On the night before my next appointment, we decided to try one more time, but this time, he asked if we could do it in my room. The location didn't matter, all I could think about was that it was going to be the last time we ever had sex, and I felt completely hallow and numb inside.

It was over just as quickly as the other times, and I suddenly became bitter. Even though I had an orgasm each time we had sex, it was almost like he was trying to finish us both off as quickly as possible so he didn't have to be inside me any longer than necessary.

He rolled off of me and collapsed on the bed, not seeming like he had any intention of moving. We had been having sex in his room, so I'd always escape when we were finished, but since he was in my room that night, I was getting pissed that I had nowhere to go to get away from him.

"You can leave now, thanks for the fuck." I said irately.

But he didn't move.

"Why are you so angry with me?" he asked taking me off guard. We hardly spoke lately, so his voice actually sounded odd to me.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. Look, I know you're worried about everything, but I don't know how to try to calm you down if you won't talk to me."

_I won't talk to him?_ I was shocked by his words, because I was sure that he was the one who refused to talk to me.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked.

"I don't know, anything. How you're feeling, _what_ you're thinking, anything, just _something_." The frustration in his voice was obvious, which just confused me even more. "Bella, please, just talk to me. I miss the sound of your voice. Telling me to go to hell would be better than this."

Could it have been that we just misunderstood each other? Perhaps we were just both afraid to be the first one to talk, so neither of us did. He was right, I needed to tell him how I was feeling, and I had to be honest. Honesty was the key to any hope of an amicable future for us, it was absolutely essential.

"Are you ever going to want me again?" I asked with an unsteady voice. "I miss you so much already, and I don't know how to handle it."

He squeezed his brows together as he thought about what I was saying, but his eyes never left mine. There was so much pain and sorrow there, that I was wondering if he was actually going to cry, but he didn't, instead he answered my question in a way that I never expected. He leaned in, and kissed me slowly. Passionately.

At first I didn't understand what he was telling me, but as he gently lifted my shirt over my head, I understood. We hadn't kissed at all since we broke up, before I even knew I was pregnant, so his lips on mine meant so much more than any words could have. It was the first time that he kissed me since finding out who I really was, and I knew I'd take that kiss with me for the rest of my life.

His kisses left a trail of goose bumps on my overheated skin as he went from my lips to my neck, and continued down to my breasts. He put one hand on my lower back as it arched towards him, and the other went to my core.

But then, he abruptly stopped.

He crawled back up to my face, and gently rested his forehead on mine. "I love you," he whispered, causing me to stop breathing. "I love you so much that every fiber of my being aches for you. If I wasn't such a chicken shit, I would have told you a long time ago, but I've always loved you, for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be anywhere in this world without you, I can't even breath when I think about losing you. I need you so much, I always have and I'm so sorry for ever making you doubt that."

I started crying uncontrollably, but instead of him telling me that it was all going to be ok, he showed me just how amazing it was going to be. He couldn't hold his body against mine without crushing the baby, so he moved so he was behind me. He wrapped himself around me securely, skin to skin, and kissed my neck as he persisted to find a way to touch every inch of me.

My crying slowed as he breathed the words 'I'll love you forever' in my ear. I couldn't talk while crying like that, and I needed him to know how I felt.

"I love you too, more than anything. No one but you." My voice was thick with tears, but he understood and smiled against the hallow behind my ear.

I wanted him inside me again, I need it, so I pushed back and wiggled against him as an invitation. He didn't need me to ask twice. Staying in the same position, he thrust into me from behind and continued pulsing in and out slowly, making love to me like there was no tomorrow, because technically, there wasn't. I was going in to be induced in the morning, so all we had was that night, but I was confident in that moment that it wouldn't be our last time. I would have the baby, and as soon as I was able, I would be making love to him again.

I fell asleep in his arms for the first time in a long time, and I couldn't remember having a more peaceful rest. There were no more secrets, and I really felt the walls come crashing down between us. It was absolute heaven, even though it didn't last more than a few hours.

At three thirty that morning, my water broke….

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><p><strong>*<strong>_**Whistles uncomfortably**_*** So, what did you think? I'm not expecting everyone to like the way this chapter went, but that was always in the plan. **

**FYI, not ready for HEA just yet. Bella may have forgotten to tell Edward something important. I know, more drama *boo*, but it'll all end well. A couple minor twists ahead…or major twists depending on how you look at it. Don't get mad at me, that's just the way this story goes. HEA soon. ;)**


	20. Ch 19 Past and Future

**Lies of the Soul**

A/N: Okay, this story is quite a departure for me, because I am a strict believer in canon pairings and mainly using Stephenie Meyer's characters, just tweaking them a bit to fit into a new story line, but I had to change some things in the next couple chapters. I don't want to give anything away, so I won't say anymore than that. I hope you don't mind the changes.

This chapter just deals with the birth and the first few weeks home, the twist will come next. Don't be too disappointed that it's not in this chapter, I needed to give them some peaceful family time, and you know I update quickly (when fanfiction allows it) ;)

* * *

><p>~Chapter 19 – <em>Past and Future<em>~

EPOV

"Edward…Edward, wake up."

I was having one of the best night's sleep that I could remember having in a long time, but Bella's voice echoed through my unconsciousness. At first I was confused because I had already been dreaming about her, but then she kicked me, jolting me awake.

"What…what's wrong," I asked groggily.

"I think my water just broke."

"What!" I jumped up, instantly wide awake. "When?"

"I got up because I had to use the bathroom, and then I was standing in a puddle."

I looked at the clock and it read 3:30am, but I didn't care about the time figuring that doctors were used to odd hours. "Okay, I'm going to call Dr. Cullen."

"Hello, Doctor Cullen speaking." I thought it was strange that he would answer his cell phone so formally, but then I remembered he said it was his 'on call' number.

"Hi, this is Edward Masen."

"Well Hello Mr. Masen, I really hope this call has to do with Ms. Swan going into labor, and not a call for Esme about your work," he joked…_at least I thought he was joking_. Esme had really saved my ass and covered for me at work when I was out with Bella. Normally my agency wouldn't have cared if I was out, but we were in the middle of a huge merger and I was expected to head it up.

"No, Bella's water just broke." My tone may have been a little bitter, but I couldn't help but be annoyed by his joking and light disposition. I was freaking out, and he thought it was time to be funny?

"Wonderful. Has she had any contractions yet?"

"Have you had any contractions yet?" I asked Bella, and she shrugged not sure.

"She doesn't know," I told the doctor.

"Okay, well when they start to intensify, she'll definitely know. I'm sure she has time to shower, so why don't you have her do that and then grab her bag and head down to the hospital. I'll call ahead and let them know you're on your way."

"Great, thanks Doctor Cullen."

"I'll see you soon," he said and then hung up.

"He said you should take a shower," I told her. "Do you want me to help you?" I asked a little too eagerly.

"I think I can manage," she said with a grin. "Unless, you _want_ to help."

She didn't have to ask me twice.

It was amazing how different our relationship became in such a short amount of time. I always knew I loved her, but I was too scared to be with her in that way again. Too much shit had happened, and I didn't know how to trust her as well as myself. But when the doctor said that sex could help her, everything changed. My pride and stupid trust issues didn't mean anything, all that mattered was that I was scared to death from the thought of her being cut open.

That's when I realized what an idiot I had been. I thought I could handle her just being my friend and mother of my child, because if I told myself that she wasn't everything to me, then I could handle losing her. But I was just lying to myself. The closer we became emotionally over the months, the more my brain was able to make the connection between Bella and Ben. They were the same person and even though I knew that, I didn't truly understand it until she moved back in and we were able to get to know each other again.

When we dated before, she was Isabella. Yes, she looked like Ben, but I saw her as a very different person regardless of their similarities. When I learned the truth, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. The facts didn't matter, I needed time to digest it and find a new way of looking at her. I found that during those months, but I still couldn't imagine having sex with her again. She was Ben, so how weird would it be, knowing I was having sex with Ben?

That's what stopped me for so long. I didn't know my own feelings; I had no idea if I wanted to have sex with her, or even if I could. I didn't want to be in the middle of it and suddenly start to freak myself out, thinking about the fact that I was touching Ben in that way, because me pulling away from her in that situation would only hurt her feelings, as well as screw with my own mind.

After the doctor told us that sex could help, I silently started freaking out. I didn't have any more time to figure it out, I needed to get over my shit, and I needed to do it immediately.

I was nervous as we attempted to do it that evening. At that point, I knew I could get through it for her and the baby's sake, but I didn't know how I'd feel. I loved her more than anything, and if I could get past the physical issues I had, nothing was going to stop us from being together completely, which also terrified me.

When I pushed into her, I froze. My mind was racing with so many things, and none of them were bad. I looked at her as Isabella, and as Ben. I loved her as both, and making love to her as both was so much more intense than I could have possibly imagined. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to hold her against me and tell her what an idiot I had been, but I didn't get the chance to. Just thinking about what we were doing, practically made me cum right away, and the fact that she was already climaxing completely sent me over the edge.

I hated pulling out of her, but truthfully, despite my lack of exertion, I was exhausted both physically and mentally from the emotionally draining rollercoaster of the day. When I laid next to her, I suddenly became nervous again. I hated not knowing what she was thinking, but when I asked her if she was okay, she just got up and stormed out of the room.

It was all too late.

I took too long trying to figure my shit out, and I lost the chance to be with her the way I finally realized that we were meant to be. So I backed off. It was completely my fault, and I'd never blame her for giving up on me. I couldn't let myself feel the wave of pain from the loss of something I never allowed myself to claim, and I couldn't stress her out by burdening her with my feelings when I was sure she didn't feel the same way. I had to keep focused and try to keep myself as detached as possible when it came to having sex with her.

We hardly spoke, and I worried that despite our promises to each other, we wouldn't be able to find our way back. It was too fucking ironic that I got my head out of my ass just in time for her to move past me, but I deserved it, I deserved every bit of pain that was coming my way, and I'd gladly take it for the sake of my child. There was no running away, and no hiding. I was in it for life, even if it meant standing by and watching Bella move on with her life without me.

Although she didn't seem to be progressing, we continued having sex hoping for the small chance it could still work. And then, we were out of time.

She was visibly upset, and even though I knew she didn't love me the way I loved her, that still didn't explain her hostility towards me.

I asked her what was wrong, and finally everything became clear. She didn't want our physical relationship to end; in fact, I realized that she wanted exactly the same thing I wanted.

I couldn't contain it anymore, and I did something I swore I'd never do again, I put my heart on my sleeve and told her how much I loved her.

And just like that, we became closer than we _ever_ had before. For the first time, we actually were _everything_ to each other. She was my best friend, mother of my child, my lover, my family, and the only woman I'd ever love. She was my past, and future. She was everything to me growing up, and she'll be everything to me for the rest of my life. It wasn't a choice, it was just a fact; always was, always will be.

We fell asleep that night with the confidence that we'd never let anything else come between us again.

When she woke me up a few hours later, I realized why she didn't go into labor sooner; our baby didn't want to make his grand entrance until his parents got their shit together.

There was no time for awkwardness between us, we merged into our new roles as a real couple, and never looked back. It was easy, as simple as breathing, we belonged together and the world was finally making sense.

"You better call Rose, she'll be pissed if this baby comes out and we never called her," Bella said after I filled out the paperwork at the hospital.

"Oh, right." I didn't want to waste time calling her, so I just texted her with the letter **B **which was our code for baby.

The nurse led us to a labor room, and gave Bella a gown to change into. She was alarmingly calm, and it was driving me nuts.

"Why aren't you freaking out?"

"I don't know, I'm just not…."

"Not what?" I asked in a panic as her face went blank.

"Wow, that didn't feel good," she said finally.

"What, what happened?"

"I think I just had a contraction."

"You think?" I asked with my voice raised an octave higher than normal. I really needed to figure out a way to calm down.

"Well, I've been feeling them for a while, but I wasn't sure what they were until…."

My eyes widened as I watched the pain flash across her face.

"Good morning," Dr. Cullen said coming into the room. His peppy tone was about to make me snap, but I forced myself to push the feelings away.

He proceeded to examine her, and when he was finished, he took off his gloves and nodded. "You actually at a five, which is really good considering you don't seem to be too uncomfortable just yet. My guess is that you started labor sometime in your sleep, and then your water broke which moved things along a bit."

"So everything's going to be fine?" I asked worriedly.

"Everything looks good right now. Just try to keep her calm and as relaxed as possible. I'll be back to check on her in a little while."

"Where are you going?" I asked anxiously.

"I'll be here; I just have another patient to check on."

"Ooo," Bella said calmly as she felt another contraction.

"Are you okay?" I asked concerned.

"Oh babe, it's going to get a lot worse than this," she said, making my heart skip when she called me 'babe'. I couldn't help it; I leaned in and kissed her. When I pulled away, she smiled at me and her eyes sparkled with…_arousal_. I raised an eyebrow at her knowingly, so she giggled and blushed. "It's not my fault," she whispered. "You shouldn't be so damn sexy."

I smiled back at her and kissed her again, only pulling away when someone cleared their throat behind me.

"Hey!" Bella yelled happily as her siblings and their partners came in to see how she was. Apparently the throat clearing came from my pseudo big brother who was actually _her _big brother.

Alice and Rose took their turns hugging Bella, and Emmett just stared at me blankly. I'd move, and he'd move his head to follow me, and after five minutes, I had enough.

"What?"

He shook his head casually. "Nothing."

"If it's nothing, then stop fucking staring at me."

"Have you been fucking my sister?" he said heatedly, but too quiet for the girls to hear. Jasper on the other hand, took a step closer, ready to intervene if necessary.

"Yes," I said strongly.

Emmett shrugged. "Cool," he said indifferently.

"You're a fucking moron," I said annoyed.

"What? I'm just messing with you bro. It's not like any of us are surprised, I was more surprised you resisted so long. I love you man, I'm happy if you're happy."

"Thanks, and I am. But stop fucking messing with me, I'm freaking out enough as it is."

"Sorry. I never did have the best timing."

And then I heard Bella gasp. I turned to look at her and she had her eyes squeezed shut and was probably about to break Rose's hand. I wasn't sure who looked to be in more pain.

"Hey, hey, hey," I said quickly and ran over to pry Bella's hand from the tortured Rose.

'Thanks,' Rose mouthed as I took her place besides Bella. If she was going to break anyone's hand, it was going to be mine.

"Sorry, that one really hurt," she said sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it babe, my hand is here for you to torture."

She smacked me and smiled, but then she grabbed hold of me again.

"Oh, here comes another one," she said and my knuckles cracked as she tightened her grip on them.

"Wow, are we having a party in here?" Dr. Cullen said as he came into the room. "I need to do an exam so I'm going to need everyone to step out.

Everyone left, and the doctor checked her quickly. "You're making quick progress. You're already at an eight. How's the pain?"

"Getting worse," she admitted.

"Well I anticipate things speeding up now. This baby has finally decided that it's tired of being cramped up in there. I'll be back soon."

Two hours later, she was at a ten and in a lot of pain.

"Breathe baby," I said as she panted through a contraction.

"Fuck you, you bastard, you did this to me. Get the hell away from me!" she screamed.

But I didn't take it personally, thirty seconds later she was singing a different tune.

"I love you so much, don't ever leave me," she cried right before she had to push.

"I love you too, more than anything. You're so amazing."

Ten minutes after that, there was the screaming of a brand new voice. Bella did it, and I had never been so in awe of anyone in my life. There were no words to explain how amazing it was watching my baby come into the world, and I wondered how I was ever able to deny myself from being with her. I never thought such emotions were possible, but there was no way I'd ever be able to love her less.

Bella and I cried together as the bald baby with an oddly shaped head, was put on her abdomen and cleaned off, before placed in her arms. Ten perfect little fingers, and ten perfect toes. Something that I hadn't managed to screw up, and I would try like hell to keep it that way. We just stared enamored at the little red squished face we created together, and I had never felt more love and been more bewildered with pride in my entire life. I wondered if I would have been able to love my child as much, if I wasn't so in love with it's mother. If I knocked up some other random chick and even if the baby had flawless features, there was no way I'd feel the same. _This_ beautifully odd looking baby, was me and Bella, so there was nothing better in the world.

…..

"_Man, this is going to be awesome!" Ben said excitedly as we put the junkyard wood in the cart. _

"_I don't know, how good do you think it'll really be with _us _making it?" I said uncertain. _

"_It'll be better than Mike Newton's, that's for sure," he said confidently._

_Mike's parents had just bought him the deluxe tree house from the catalogue at their home improvement store, and it was ridiculously cool. He let us play in it for one day, but then he got mad because we refused to let him be the captain during our pirate game. We told him that he needed to be the parrot, which he wasn't happy about, so he kicked us out. _

"_But Ben, Mike's has a skylight and a rope bridge and…."_

"_Who cares, ours will be better, you'll see."_

_We spent two weeks lugging splintered wood and old broken doors all the way up the mountain. We wanted our tree house to be secret, someplace kids like Mike Newton could never find. We stole Emmett's hammer and nails out of his workshop, and once we thought we had enough stuff, we got to work. At nine years old, we didn't know enough about the proper way to build a stable structure, but we kept at it, and by the end of the summer, we had a crooked, wobbly tree house._

"_It's perfect," Ben said, admiring our work._

"_It's hideous," I disagreed. _

"_It just needs some paint," he said optimistically. _

_Over that entire year, we would learn things and make adjustments, and by the following summer, it was definitely something to be proud of. We fought a million times in the process, but we did it, we made a perfect tree house. It wasn't fancy or beautiful, but it was so much better than anything we could have bought, because we built it together, just the two of us._

…_._

I hummed to my baby in my arms, and walked the room contemplating the perfection of the moment, and for some reason, I thought about my father. I couldn't imagine ever turning my back on my child, and I just didn't understand how anyone could. I then made a silent promise while looking into the strangely aware little eyes looking back at me, that I'd never become my father, and I'd love Bella and our child for the rest of forever.

A nurse came in to help Bella with nursing, and after watching completely captivated for awhile, I decided I needed to relieve the eagerly waiting crowd of family outside.

I walked down the hall to the waiting room, and when they saw me coming, they all stood anxiously. Charlie had arrived and he looked almost as nervous as I had been.

"It's a boy!" I said and they all started cheering and hugging me tightly. "Come meet him," I said with a grin and led them all back to the room. Usually, so many visitors weren't allowed in a room at a time, but since I was the doc's wife's boss, I called in a favor.

The girls squealed and cried as they saw my son for the first time, and Emmett kept hitting me in a congratulatory manner. "You did good, bro," he said unexpectedly.

"Thanks man."

"Oh, he's a solid little guy?" Charlie said as Rose placed him in his arms.

"Nine pounds, eight ounces," I said proudly.

"Wow!" Jasper said. "That's a big boy."

Then Charlie did something that shocked everyone. He held the baby in one arm, and moved the blanket out of the way to look in his diaper. We all just stared at him. "Just making sure," he said sheepishly, and we all busted out laughing. I didn't blame him for being untrusting when it came to the sex of a baby, but it was one of the funniest things I had seen in a while.

"What's his name?" Alice asked as the baby continued to be passed around.

Bella and I locked eyes guiltily. We hadn't even talked about names yet, but as I took my son back in my arms to bring him to his mother, I knew only one name would fit. "Ben."

Everyone was silent at first, but I looked at Bella for her opinion and she smiled and shook her head no, but I knew she'd agree to it. That was just his name, there was no denying it and she knew it, and I knew she knew it.

Charlie and Emmett both loved the idea, and Bella warmed up to it after a few minutes.

Two days later, Bella and I took Benjamin Anthony Masen, home.

It was surreal being home as a family, but felt entirely right. Everyone came over to welcome us home, but didn't stay long knowing Bella was exhausted. Benny pretty much slept and ate and pooped, but Bella and I had a hard time putting him down. He was huge for a newborn, but all I could think about was how small and helpless he was. I hated the idea of putting him in his crib alone in his room, but Bella said it was important. She laid him down and we watched him for a while, before picking him back up and bringing him to Bella's bed, which became _our_ bed again.

We put him between us, but after watching him sleep for awhile, I turned my attention to his mother. She was so beautiful and I was in utter amazement by her. I never knew anyone as strong and brave as her, and I couldn't help but look up to her, just as I did when we were kids.

We were holding hands, but I needed to kiss her. I sat up and leaned over our sleeping son, and pressed my lips to hers. She responded by probing my lips with her tongue, so I opened my mouth to allow her in.

"Mmm," she moaned against my lips. Her hand reached up and tangled in my hair as she locked my face to hers.

I tried to pull away, but she refused to let me go.

"I love you, but we can't get carried away," I muttered against her lips.

She reluctantly released me. "How long again?" she asked disappointed.

"Six weeks."

"Ugh!" she whined. "But that doesn't mean we can't do _other things_," she said seductively.

I smiled. "Not tonight. Tonight we're just going to sleep."

She yawned. "I guess you're right. But tomorrow, we're on."

I was surprised that she was even thinking about sex after just giving birth a couple days before, but at that point, I was used to _surprises_ when it came to Bella.

We fell asleep quickly, but it didn't last; a few hours later, Ben woke us both up. Bella was so tired, and I wanted nothing more than to let her sleep and feed Benny myself, but she was nursing and I wasn't capable to take on that role. _Thank god_. I got up with her though, feeling like shit for sleeping when she couldn't, but she protested.

"Edward, you need to sleep now, so I can sleep when he's awake later. We have to tag team this."

Although I hated to do it, she had a point. I went back to bed, and whenever he was awake but didn't need feeding, I had him so she could sleep.

The first time I changed a diaper, was definitely an event I'd never forget. Not only did I put the diaper on backwards and got poop on my hand, but he also peed on me. I didn't even know it was possible for so much stuff to come out of someone so small. I didn't feel too bad though, Bella's first time changing him wasn't much better, but she had a support team at the hospital when she did it.

We spent the next week bonding as a family and getting used to our new lives together. Just when we thought we were settling into a routine, Benny would change his patterns and we had to start all over again. Every day was a new adventure; a new, exhausting, wonderful adventure.

My assistant Esme stopped by with some flowers and baby gifts. Bella had never met her before, but they were quickly giggling and seemed comfortable with each other. Esme had that affect on people, she was just so nurturing and motherly. While she was there, we discussed work and she had some documents for me to sign off on. I told her I'd be back at work when I could, but she said not to worry because she was taking care of things, and to come back when I was ready. She really was the perfect assistant, and I'd try like hell to keep her around.

Despite our tiredness, Bella was still horny and she'd often prefer messing around to sleep. Intercourse was out per doctor's orders, so we settled for just using our hands and mouths. We had been apart for so long, that it was like being together for the first time; everything was fresh and exciting, although it always felt that way with her.

Two weeks after Ben was born, I had to go back to work. Bella was nervous being home alone with him, but I called every couple of hours and came home for lunch. Rose and Alice both stopped by periodically throughout the day, and Emmet was always around as well. He'd drop in just to visit his nephew while he was patrolling, and end up staying for a few hours, just making sure to keep his radio on.

The following week, the stress of me going back to work had finally gotten to Bella, though not in the way I expected. When I got home from work, she was on the phone with someone and seemed pretty excited.

"So, it's up to me?" she said with the phone pressed against her ear. She looked up to meet my stare, and smiled triumphantly. "Thanks Dr. Cullen."

After hanging up, she walked over to me with lust in her eyes. "Hi, how was your day?"

"Horrible, I missed you and Benny," I said while kissing her. "What were you talking about with Dr. Cullen?"

"We're all clear," she said with a huge grin. I knew she was getting fed up with us just messing around, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel the same way, but I wanted to make sure she was ready before we started fully making love again.

"What happened to the six week thing?" I asked as she started kissing my neck.

"He said that was just a general guideline. I don't have any stitches and there are no other restrictions, so he said as long as I'm comfortable, it's up to us."

She didn't have to convince me. I picked her up and carried her quickly to the bedroom, my mouth never leaving hers. I wanted to devour her, to completely consume every inch of her, but I had to remind myself to be gentle. Whether she'd admit t it or not, it could hurt her and that was the last thing I wanted.

Our clothes just about took themselves off and found their way to a puddle on the ground. We were pressed so tightly together that our skin virtually melted into one. Our tongues ravaged each other, and our eager hands couldn't grasp the other's flesh firm enough. I was going to explode from anticipation and I worried I wouldn't be able to keep control, so I rolled us over so she was on top, that way, she could go at the speed which was most comfortable for her.

There was no need of finger or oral foreplay, we had enough of that over the past three weeks, all we wanted at that moment was the ultimate release. She pushed herself up with her hands on my shoulders, and she was on her knees, straddling my hips, hovering right above my erection.

She sunk down slowly, taking me all the way in, and as far as I could tell, she didn't seem to be in any pain. But she was good at hiding things, so I had to make sure.

"Does it hurt?"

"It's so worth it," she said and before I could protest, she started rocking and grinding . She moaned and scrunched her face, but she never slowed, in fact she started moving faster and with more purpose.

But then she stopped.

"Oh god," she said abruptly, then rolled off me.

"What, what's wrong?" I asked concerned and feeling physical pain from my abandoned hardness.

"I'm leaking all over you," she said horrified.

"What?" I asked confused.

But then I realized what she meant. My chest was wet from her breast milk, but I didn't care; I didn't even notice until she said something. It wasn't like I hadn't tried it before, in fact, it was kind of a turn on, but it made her feel uncomfortable so I rolled over and pushed her back so I was on top. She smiled and reattached her lips to mine. Her legs wrapped around my hips and she used them to pull me closer to her. And then I continued where she left off.

"Harder!" she shouted as I pushed into her reservedly. I was still worried about hurting her, but she was demanding to go full out, and who was I to deny her. I pounded into her as she moaned erotically. I couldn't think straight as my body took complete control, so I really hoped her moans weren't really cries of pain, because I couldn't tell. I could feel her walls tightening around me, and her body tense under me, which in turn put me over the edge. The familiar pain in my stomach overtook me, followed by all my muscles constricting and then the inevitable euphorically agonizing release.

We panted together as the hot numbing calmness coursed through us. I stayed inside her for a few more minutes as we rested our heads together.

"Are you ok?" I huffed.

She nodded. "Never better."

We spent the next hour tangled up together, but then cries echoed over the monitor.

Bella unwrapped herself from me, and got up to feed the baby. I really didn't know how she had the energy to move after that, but she continued to astonish me with _everything_ she did.

* * *

><p><strong>*So the change I was talking about in my AN was the fact that they had a boy. In my 'all human' stories, I never use the name Renesmee because it's too odd for a human child, so I usually use her middle name Carlie instead. I'm not saying that a Carlie won't come later, but this story needed them to have a son first. **

**The changes in coupling will come in the next chapter. It's not a huge storyline, and it's not with an already established couple (i.e. Em and Rose, Jazz and Al, Ed and Be). I'm sure no one will really even care, but because of my personal rule to keep traditional couples, I had to warn you. ;)**

**Please Review!**


	21. Ch 20 Forks

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 20 – _Forks_~

EPOV

I should have known not to go back.

I was trying to prove a point by agreeing to it, but I immediately had a feeling of dread as we passed into the city limit of Forks. I didn't have any issues of Bella being Ben anymore, in fact, when I thought back to my childhood, it was Bella who I always saw. But Forks held a certain unease to it, and I was scared of the kind of drama that would arise by going there to visit.

It was a small town, so there was always the risk of running into my father, but I wasn't really worried about that. I didn't care about my father anymore, if I saw him, fine, and if I didn't, even better. I never told him about Benny, he wouldn't understand Bella's and my relationship anyway, so there wasn't any point in trying. My father was a bigot, and the fact that I had a baby with my 'buddy Ben', would never go over well, regardless of the circumstance.

When Bella approached me about attending Charlie's retirement party, I agreed without even thinking. _Of course we should be there._

"Are you sure, because I know how much you hate Forks?"

"I don't _hate _Forks," I lied. "It's just that I always seem to have bad luck there."

"Uh huh, like what?" she challenged me.

"Well, my mom and grandmother died there," I said. She continued to wait knowing I had more to say. "I broke my nose there…twice. My dad got cancer, my best friend _died_," Bella rolled her eyes at that one. We both knew I was long over it, so the fact I brought it up just proved that I didn't have anything else to criticize. "Look, I'm not complaining, I said I didn't have a problem going, and I don't. I wouldn't miss Charlie's big day for anything."

"Ma!" Benny said as he toddled into the room. He was eleven months old, and had just started walking. Since he became mobile, we had to baby proof everything, and at times, baby proofing meant daddy proofing as well; some of those latches were fucking difficult.

"Hey baby," she said and picked him up before he leaned in to kiss her. Benny was a very affectionate little dude, with a huge personality. He didn't say much, but you could tell he was always thinking, and when he got pissed, everyone paid the price. His temper was immeasurable.

No one would admit it out loud, but Benny started out as one ugly baby. However, during the eleven months since his birth, his head rounded out and sprouted a full scalp of bronze colored hair, his previously squished face relaxed, and he sported the chubbiest cheeks but otherwise perfect features. He had Bella's mouth, nose and ears, but everything else was me. My jaw and bone structure, and my green eyes. He was the perfect blend of us, and I couldn't imagine a cuter kid. Of course, I may have been a little biased, but I highly doubted it; everyone thought he was adorable.

We had yet to take Benny to Forks, but I couldn't come up with any more excuses not to. Charlie always came to visit us, but this time, it was our turn to finally make the trip out there.

"There's my peanut!" Charlie said as I took Benny out of his car seat in front of the Swan house. I stood him up on the uneven ground of the forested location, and he immediately fell over. "Get up buddy, and come to grandpa. I want to see how you walk."

Benny was still new to walking, and Charlie hadn't seen him do it yet. He pushed himself up with his hands, and then toddled to his grandfather.

Charlie had the most expressive look on his face, more so than anything I had ever seen from him. I didn't even know he was capable of smiling that big.

"I told you his walking was awesome," Emmett said as he came out of the house. Emmett and Rose had gone out the day before to help Sue with some last minute party preparations.

Em reached for Benny, but Charlie pulled him away. "You see him all the time, it's my turn."

Rose walked out then, and Benny automatically reached for her. Charlie huffed. "Fine, go to auntie, I'll get you later."

"How's my boy?" Rose said with a high pitched voice and then kissed his chubby cheeks. Rose and Em were his godparents and babysat whenever we needed it, so Benny was very comfortable with them.

Charlie and Bella talked for a little while, and Rose was playing with Benny, so Em helped me get our bags out of the car.

"So, how's it coming?" he asked me.

"How's what coming?" I asked confused.

"Well, have you thought any more about proposing?"

"I have proposed…a lot," I said frustrated. Bella and I had talked about getting married numerous times, but she said that we needed to make it a year together before she'd agree to it. It pissed me off at first, as if she wanted us to pass some fucking test or something, but after asking her repeatedly, I decided not to worry about it for a while.

"Yeah, but it's almost been a year now for you two, and wasn't that her stipulation?"

"It was, but we haven't talked about it for a few months, so I don't really know for sure anymore. I mean, I really don't fucking get it, why the hell is she being so stubborn?"

Emmett shrugged. "She's probably just afraid of getting a divorce. It's not like any of us came from stable conventionally married parents."

"Your parents were stable," I disagreed.

"Yeah, well my mom was killed when I was six months old, not really a good example there."

"But Charlie and her were happy, so it's not like it doesn't happen."

"Wow, look who's being optimistic now. What happened to the Edward who always thought the world was going to end?"

I shrugged. "Living like that will only make me wind up like my old man."

"Well, I'm glad you can see that now."

"Me too."

Sue came over and made us all dinner, and we laughed and ate together. It was the calm before the storm, and even though I had no idea what laid ahead for us, I did keep getting chills and it had nothing to do with the cold.

"Are you ok?" Bella asked me quietly after dinner.

"Yeah, I just keep getting this odd feeling."

"What kind of _odd feeling_?" she asked.

"I don't know, I'm sure it's nothing. Don't worry about it."

I set up the portacrib in Bella's old room, and we put Benny down for the night. Sue stayed a little longer and made cocktails while we all laughed and joked, mainly making fun of Charlie's twenty five year career.

"Oh dad, remember when you came home dressed like a hobo?" Bella said while laughing.

"I was undercover," he defended himself.

"Undercover from who? Everyone in this town knows you," I acknowledged.

"I was working in La Push. Officer Uley and I were helping each other out."

"Wait, was that the time that you came home and I thought you were a burglar?" Emmett asked him.

"Yes, and you hit me with the fucking bat."

"It's not my fault. Benella over there, told me you had a gun."

"Well, he did," Bella said defensively.

"I'm a cop, I _always_ have a gun," Charlie interjected.

"How was I supposed to know it was you? You were fumbling around, you had a beanie on, and your infamous mustache was gone," Bella said while trying to contain her giggling.

"I had to shave it for disguise purposes."

"Well, that 'stashe definitely does scream 'cop'," I agreed.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Charlie asked confused.

"Oh come on Charlie, it's a cop 'stashe. No one else would be able to pull it off."

"I resent that," Charlie said with mock offense.

"Maybe it's time to shave it off," Emmett suggested.

Charlie grimaced, but actually seemed to be considering it.

"Wanna go to bed?" Bella asked me after yawning.

"Yeah," I said quickly, making Charlie glare at me.

"No funny business you two. I'm not unhip to the times, but I still have morals and you're not married."

"Dad, we live together and have a kid. Do you really think you can pretend we're not having sex?" Bella said with a smile.

"What you do in your own home, is your business," Charlie said, disturbed by the thought.

"Okay, well, us married folk are off to have sex in my old room," Emmett said teasingly. Rose and Charlie both glared at him; Bella and I were just disgusted. "I'm kidding," he said to Rose, but when she looked away he started winking and making sexual gestures. Charlie just huffed and said goodnight.

Bella and I went up to her bedroom, but kept the lights low and stayed quiet because Benny was sleeping. I hadn't really been in that room in years, and I hadn't slept in there since I was a kid, so I couldn't help but look out the window.

"Damn, how the hell did I used to always climb up here?" I asked myself quietly while looking at the tree outside the window.

"Kids have less fear than adults," she said simply.

"I guess so."

I used to scale the tree in the middle of the night, then somehow climb through the window. I had no idea how I never fell, but the idea of it scared me and I really hoped Benny never pulled that shit when he was older.

"Come lay with me," Bella said as she climbed into bed.

I smiled and crawled under the covers before wrapping her in my arms and pressing myself against her.

"I don't remember you ever having an erection before when you used to sleep in here with me," she said while wiggling against me.

"Well, I don't _remember_ you having a vagina before when I used to sleep in here with you," I said like a smartass.

"Just because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it wasn't there," she said while making her movements more purposeful.

"Exactly," I said while probing her with my aching cock.

I grabbed her hand and placed it on my hardness and guided her so she was stroking me. "Charlie said 'no funny business'," she protested.

"I don't find anything funny about this."

"Just remember that Benny is sleeping right there, and my brother and father aren't much further."

"I don't want to remember that, I just want to fuck you until you scream out and beg me to stop."

"Oh really?" she said with heightened interest as she completely took over stroking me. "Well, that's going to have to wait for a different venue. But if you want to keep fucking my hand, go right ahead."

I growled quietly, and then rolled on top of her. After removing our clothes and thrusting into her, I realized that I overlooked an important detail. The damn bed squeaked like a fucking freight train. At that point however, I couldn't really stop, so I just decided that if everyone was going to hear, might as well make it worth it. Benny was a heavy sleeper, so I wasn't worried about him, but the rest were just going to have to deal. I pounded into her hard, and she clawed her hands down my back, which just forced me to go that much faster.

After we both came explosively, Bella pinched me.

"Ow, what the hell was that for?" I asked while panting, although, I kind of liked her inflicted pain at that moment.

And then there was pounding on the wall. "Shut the hell up!" Charlie yelled.

"That's why," Bella said in a scolding tone.

"What?" I asked with faux innocence. Yeah, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I didn't care.

She pretended to be upset for another moment, but then she smiled and rested her head against my chest.

Bella and I had our ups and downs over the past several months, but every argument ended with hot passionate love making. Never during any of our fights, even the more serious ones, did either of us ever worry that the other was going to leave. It felt good taking each other for granted, and the makeup sex was always worth the argument ahead of time.

Right after Benny was born, we started having sex again practically right away, and it wasn't until the following weeks when she skipped her period, that we realized that our stupidity didn't end with our surprise love child Benny. We were scared that she had gotten pregnant so quickly, but it turned out to be a false alarm. _Thank god_. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved my little man more than anything, but we weren't ready for baby number two just yet. Bella immediately called Dr. Cullen and asked for some birth control because neither of us wanted to worry about condoms.

Her being on the birth control pill, was a win-win all the way around. Sex anytime anywhere, and we didn't have to worry about any surprises. Although, perhaps if we had to mess with condoms, I would have kept my senses and stayed quiet during our most recent love session, and Bella wouldn't be forced with the embarrassment of facing her father and brother in the morning.

"Good morning," Charlie grumbled as he came down the stairs. Bella and I were used to waking up early with Benny, so we were up before everyone else.

"Morning," Bella said uncomfortably.

Charlie kissed Benny on the head before getting some coffee.

He knew what we were doing the night before, and we knew that he knew, but we didn't comment on it.

"Big day, huh?" Bella said, trying to make small talk.

"You know me, I'd much rather go fishing than have a huge party, but it's important to Sue, so," he shrugged.

"Thanks for the sound effects last night, Butt Munch!" Emmett said to me as he came barreling down the stairs.

"It's not my fault the bed squeaks," I said.

"True. You really need new furniture in here Pops," Em agreed. Charlie ignored him, preferring to move past the subject.

Sue arrived and she immediately handed Em and I a shopping list.

"What's this?" Em asked bitterly.

"Last minute stuff," she said, dismissing his obvious discontent with having to go shopping.

"Come on bro, let's go," he said to me.

"Why can't you go shopping by yourself?"

"Because, if I'm going down by the crazy ass locals here, so are you."

"Da da da DA! ," Benny yelled as we headed to the door.

"You want to come with us, Buddy?" I asked him. He nodded so I took him over to Bella to kiss him goodbye.

"We don't need any stinking girls, right dude?" Emmett said to Benny in a deep _manly_ voice. Benny, of course, laughed. Emmett always made Benny laugh, but I was convinced it was just because they were on the same level intellectually and understood one another.

I followed my son around the produce section, as Emmett shopped for the fresh fruit that was on Sue's list. The little booger picked up everything and tried to eat it, so I had to keep taking things out of his hands, which just pissed him off until something else would get his attention.

"Oh my god, Edward Masen!" a distinct female voice sounded behind me. I turned to see Heidi standing there.

"Heidi," I greeted her. "How are you?" I asked hesitantly. She was my first ever girlfriend, and although I had no hard feelings towards her, I still didn't feel like holding a conversation.

"Good, but not as good as you. Oh my god, he looks just like you," she said while looking at my son.

"Uh, yeah, he's my _mini me_."

"Are you married?"

"No, but hopefully soon."

"Hopefully?" she asked confused.

"Well, it's just getting her to say yes," I said, and then decided I was done talking. I really had no desire to see anyone from my past, besides the Swans, so I made up an excuse and took Benny to the toy aisle. I wasn't sure how many people in that town knew the truth about Bella, but I wasn't going to get into it with anyone either, so conversations about my son's mother were off limits.

After picking up a few more things off the list, we were finally able to leave. We paid for the stuff, and then headed out to the car.

"Edward?" shit. My father was standing in our path to the car, and I had no way to avoid him. I really hated small fucking towns.

"Mr. Masen," Emmett greeted him politely.

"Mr. Swan," he returned the courtesy, but never took his eyes off my son in my arms. "You're a father?"

I really wanted to put Benny in Emmett's arms and tell him to drive away with him, but I wasn't a little kid anymore, and I refused to still be afraid of the frail old man.

"Yeah," I said coldly.

My father smiled awkwardly. "What's his name?"

"Ben."

My father nodded. "I always knew you'd name your son after him."

At least I knew my father had no idea the truth about Bella.

"Well, we should be going," I said and decided to hand Benny over to Emmett after all.

"Are you married?" he asked as I was about to leave.

"No."

"Engaged?"

"No."

"Can you bring him by our old house, I'd really like to get a chance to hold him."

"He's almost one dad; he doesn't like being held like a baby by total strangers. If you had been around when I was that age, you would have known that kids his age were like that."

"Edward, please; I messed up son. Don't you know what it's like to make a horrible mistake?"

"Yeah I do, but I don't have it in me to be all forgiving with _you_ at the moment," I said dryly and then got in the car.

"Are you ok?" Emmett asked me as he started driving away from the store.

"Yeah, fine."

"Maybe you should hear him out. I mean, look where your lack of ability to forgive almost got you."

"Bella and my father are two very different people with entirely different circumstances. I have no desire to go there with him."

"Okay, but maybe he's changed; that's all I'm saying."

I shook my head and tried to move past the encounter. It was only nine am and I already ran into two people who I wished I hadn't, and I just knew the party was sure to have tons more meetings just like them. I decided then to just spend the day doing nothing but chasing my son around. No one was going to the party to see me.

When we got back to the house, Sue put us right back to work, hanging decorations and putting out a bunch of pictures of Charlie at work over the years.

"How'd he do at the store?" Bella asked me as I was hanging a streamer. She had her arms wrapped around my waist, so it was hard to do my job properly. I let go of the streamer and grabbed onto her for a kiss.

"Benny did great; I just wish I could say the same about me."

"Uh oh, who'd you run into?" she asked knowingly.

"Two guesses," I said with a grimace.

"James?"

"No. Thank god."

"Your dad?"

"Yeah. That prick wanted to hold Benny."

"Did you let him?"

"No. why the hell would I let that man anywhere near my son?"

"Maybe he's changed."

"You and Emmett are more alike than you know," I said with a grin, but then got serious again. "No, I just don't want him anywhere near Benny. Even when he was sober, he was still a bigot prick."

"That's true."

"So, on top of him, as if seeing him wasn't enough, I ran into Heidi too."

"Heidi? As in Heidi your very first girlfriend, the chick who you used to make me spy on with you, at the public pool?"

I laughed at the memory. "If it makes you feel better, you are way hotter than she ever was. I was a child; my tastes didn't have time to mature. I'd take you with short hair and in guy clothes over her any day."

"Yeah right," she said sarcastically.

"_Yeah_, I know I'm _right_."

"No, you're a smartass," she said with a giggle.

"_Smart_, with a nice _ass_…I'll take it, thanks babe," I said before kissing her and going back to work hanging streamers.

"Well, the 'nice ass' part is right," she muttered, and then she crouched down. I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing, but then there was a pain in my ass.

"Did you just bite me?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh yeah, because you taste so fucking delicious."

"Oh, you're lucky people are around, because later when they're not, I'm going to pound you so fucking hard that you'll be limping afterwards," I said playfully.

"Promise?"

"You really are a freak, you know that?"

"Yes. But since you're the only guy I've ever had sex with, you have no one to blame but yourself."

"True," I agreed.

A little while later people started arriving, so I did my best to try to be invisible. A few people noticed me, who knew me as a child, and they said hello politely, but for the most part, people tended to leave me alone. I got into a lot of trouble as a teen, so many of Charlie's colleagues knew me as 'trouble', so not many had any desire to make small talk with me, which I was happy about.

Charlie introduced Bella as his daughter, but only his closest friends would care enough to question it, but most of them already knew.

We lucked out and it was actually a sunny day, so I took Benny out to the yard to play on the little playground Charlie put up for him. We were only out there for about ten minutes though, when people started getting the hint that it was actually nice out and started wandering back there to join us. It wasn't that I was completely antisocial, but I was just feeling anxious and I really didn't want to be around the crowd.

"Ma ma!" Benny yelled when Bella came out with Rose.

"Hey baby," she said and scooped him up. "Oh, look how dirty you are."

"Yeah, well the slide was still a little wet," I said and couldn't help but grin knowing I'd have to leave the party to change him.

"You let him go on the slide?" she asked concerned.

"Yeah….why?"

"Isn't he kind of young for that?"

"No way. Besides I was holding on to him."

"I'll go change him," Rose offered and reached for him. I was about to protest, but Benny was already reaching back for her, so I let him go to her. _Fuck_. I was really hoping for a reason to hide for a few minutes.

"Bella, look who's here," Charlie said with a smile, as he walked out of the house with that tanned freak. "You remember Jacob, right?"

"Of course, hey man," she said.

"Hey man? Is that the best greeting you have for me?" Jake said smugly and then he fucking did something I never expected. He wrapped his arms around her and spun her around like they were old best friends. "How have you been, you look amazing? I always knew you'd be one fucking hot chick."

_What the fuck?_

"Uh…" she was about to answer him, but then he turned to look at me.

"Holy shit, Edward Masen. How are you man?"

I just stared at him. How the hell was he so peachy about Bella being Bella? He said he '_always knew'_? I was fucking boiling.

Bella was radiating with discomfort, and she kept glancing at me guiltily as the freak was talking casually about his lame life.

I had enough. I needed to walk away before I snapped, so without a word, I walked through the gate, out of the yard.

I didn't know what to think, but I knew I was angry. _What the hell did Jacob mean about all that shit?_

"Edward, where are you going?" Bella said as she followed me down the street.

"For a walk!" I yelled without looking back.

"Look, I can explain that," she said, refusing to give me some space.

"Ok, yes, please do explain why that idiot seems to have known the truth about you for a hall of a lot longer than me," I said bitterly.

"I told him," she said quietly.

"When?"

"Before I left to live with Alice."

"He knew when we were fucking kids?" I asked heatedly.

"When we were teens, yes."

I shook my head incredulously. "What the fuck Bella?"

"It was after I kissed you. You left, and I just felt…alone. Jacob was there, and…."

"And what? Did you fuck him?"

"How could you even ask me that?" she said heatedly. "You know damn well that I have never been with anyone but you!"

"Yeah, you were technically a virgin, but you sure seemed like you knew what you were doing when you sucked my dick. Maybe you practiced on him."

And then, she punched me.

"You fucking jerk," she said and stormed back to the house, leaving me standing there with a bloody lip. A part of me was smug by the fact that she didn't bitch slap me the way most women would do, my girl was tough and I loved that. But that was only a small part, the rest of me was pissed and I felt completely fucking betrayed.

I could understand that she didn't tell me back then because she was scared and didn't know how to tell _anyone_. But knowing she told that fucker, who she knew I hated, just really hurt. I was so angry that I was actually shaking from it. It was fuming inside of me, and I needed to find a way to release the pressure, so I punched the closest tree, which just ended up hurting me ever more.

I hated fucking Forks.

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><p><strong>*This was just the first part, more Forks drama ahead. I know everyone might be pissed at Edward for his behavior, but remember how he overreacts without thinking. He's really just hurting and doesn't know how to handle that emotion. <strong>

**There will be NO affair, so don't worry about Heidi. She will be back in the story, but has nothing to do with having sex with Edward. **

***Please Review.**


	22. Ch 21 Bullies and Bigots

**Lies of the Soul**

A/N: I got this idea from an episode of 'Glee'. If you love that show like I do, you may notice what I'm talking about, if not, never mind ;)

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><p>~Chapter 21 –<em>Bullies and Bigots<em>~

BPOV

"_What the hell did I do? In a split second, I managed to lose the most important person in the world to me. I felt sick, like the air was all being sucked out of my lungs and I couldn't catch my breath. As I watched him walk away, I started wondering what the fucking point was. I lied for so long, and for what? He was gone, and I had no idea how to live without him._

_I wandered off the mountain slowly; I didn't care about anything at that point, so I was in no hurry. I felt lost, like I didn't know where I was, even though I had been going up that mountain since I was a child and knew it better than my own backyard. But without him, it was a new bitter world._

_We had fought before, many times, but this was different, there was no coming back from what I did._

_I never meant to kiss him; I wanted to, but I knew he'd never want me the way I wanted him; at least not outwardly. Even though he didn't know my real body, Edward knew my heart and soul, but he'd never admit that to himself. We had a connection, and if I was allowed to be who I really was, I didn't have a doubt that we'd become more, everything. _

_After what seemed like an eternity, I found my way back to town. I went home so I could be alone, but Emmett was there, home from college, and he wouldn't leave me the hell alone._

"_Where's your shadow?" he asked as I walked through the living room._

"_What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked bitterly. I really wasn't in the mood for his shit._

"_That loser you always hang out with. Doesn't he usually follow you around like a lost puppy?"_

"_Edward is not a dog!" I yelled. _

_He put his hands up defensively, so I started to walk away but he stopped me. "Hey Ben, I wanted to talk to you about something."_

"_Not now Em. I had a really bad day, so I'm going upstairs and going to sleep until next week."_

"_Do you think Edward is gay?" he said unexpectedly._

"_Huh? Why would you ask that?"_

"_Oh come on; the way he looks at you is just not normal. Guys don't usually look at other guys like that unless they're gay."_

_I was seriously about to fucking flip. I had just kissed Edward a few hours ago, and now Emmett was asking if _he_ was gay. I felt like shit about everything, and I couldn't stomach talking to Emmett about anything at the moment, so I just turned and finished my way up the stairs._

_On top of having the worse day of my life, I got my period and ran out of fucking tampons. I hated having a uterus._

"_Where the hell are you going? I thought you wanted to sleep until next week?" Em said mockingly._

"_Fuck you," I said casually and ran out of the house. I didn't have time to mess around, I had some toilet paper crammed in my underwear and I needed to get some products before I leaked._

_When I got to the liquor store, I was terrified to see Jacob Black scoping out the candy aisle. Fuck._

"_Hey Swan," Jake said casually._

"_Buying candy?" I assumed. The fucktard was always buying candy._

"_Hell yeah. Want some?"_

"_No, I just needed to pick something up for my dad."_

"_Cool," he said while nodding. His attention went back to the candy, so I slyly snuck into the feminine product aisle. I tore open the box and grabbed a handful, hiding them in my cargo jacket._

"_What the fuck are you doing?" Jacob said from behind me. Fuck._

"_What does it look like I'm doing?" I quickly grabbed a couple condoms, which were thankfully next to the tampons, and I shoved them in my pant pocket._

"_You're stealing condoms?" he asked incredulously._

"_Shut the fuck up before the clerk hears you." I hissed, and then hurried out of the store to escape._

_I thought I had lost him, but as I turned down the corner of my street, I could hear the sound of Jake's feet crunching against the gravel. _

"_Why the hell are you following me?" _

"_Why did you steal tampons?" he retorted. _

"_They're for my girlfriend," I said without hesitation._

"_Why wouldn't your girlfriend buy her own?" _

"_Because she didn't want to."_

"_Who's your girlfriend?"_

"_What's with the fucking twenty questions? Just leave me the hell alone." I didn't have to respond to Jake, he could come up to whatever the hell conclusions he wanted. I went inside my house, and slammed the door in his face. Out of sight, out of mind. I was so torn up on the inside from losing Edward, that I really couldn't give a shit about Jake._

_The next week of school had to be the worst of my life. Not only did Edward somehow find his way into James's gang of idiots, they also found a new target to harass…me. I doubted Edward told them about my kiss because the last thing he'd want would be for people to know, but the bigot name calling was incessant. Of course, James always used homosexuality as a derogatory way to bully people._

"_Hey fagot, ever think of jumping off a bridge to save us from suffering with your presence?" James hollered at me as I walked to class alone. His gang, including Edward, laughed hysterically at his cruel words._

_I wanted to grab Edward and force him to see what a jackass he was being. I was the only one who could ever knock some sense into him and keep him grounded, but I knew from the look in his eye, that he'd never listen to me again. _

_The next day, my locker was full of pictures of naked men, and the day after that, there was a dildo on my car hood. _

_But by the end of the week, I had renewed hope. Edward approached me at school, and seemed remorseful._

"_I just miss hanging out with you. James is just so mean to everyone, and it makes me feel really bad about myself."_

"_So, you think you can forget about what happened at the meadow?..." I asked hesitantly._

_He waved his hand in front of his face. "Let's not even go there. I was hoping we could eat lunch together."_

"_Okay," I said and followed him to the cafeteria. We chit chatted like we used to, but it was definitely strained. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable, but I just accredited it to the fact that it was going to take time to fully recover from what I did. _

_I walked to our normal table, but he didn't sit._

"_What?" I asked confused._

"_It's warm today, so let's go outside."_

_I immediately got an uneasy feeling. Edward hated eating outside because there were so many seagulls that it was hard to eat without being attacked, and Edward hated birds._

_I reluctantly followed him outside and was even more confused when he led me to the back of the gymnasium. _

"_We're not allowed to go back there," I said, refusing to go any further._

"_We're fine," he said carelessly._

_I got an eerie feeling, but I never thought Edward would ever do anything so mean. _

_The next thing I knew, I was being bombarded. Eggs splattering against my head, rotten school macaroni salad thrown against my chest, and then covered in ketchup. When the assault was over, I looked at Edward momentarily, who outwardly had a smug excited expression on his face, but for a brief moment, there was a flash of pain. The pain in his eyes receded as quickly as it came, and was replaced with blank nothingness. _

_I missed my friend, but I knew I'd never see him again, not the real him anyway. _

_I wanted to go hide somewhere. I decided to call Alice and ask her if I could live with her, but as I picked up the phone, I knew I wasn't ready to leave just yet. Despite Edward's actions, I had never been more worried about him in all my life. I couldn't just leave knowing I caused the sudden turnaround in his behavior. Even if we never spoke again, I needed to be close to him, just to make sure he was okay._

_A month past, and the bullying didn't let up. Edward wasn't the ringleader, but he did nothing to stop it either._

"_Why do you put up with that shit?" Jake asked me one day. I had been doing everything in my power to avoid him, but he managed to catch me off guard._

"_I don't know what you're talking about," I lied._

"_James and his gang. They harass you like every day. And what the hell happened between you and Edward, I thought you were joined at the hip."_

"_Hey Black, get a fucking clue. I don't like you, never have, and I don't want to talk to you, so leave me the hell alone," I said cruelly._

"_You just really seem like you could use a friend, that's all."_

"_You have no idea what the fuck I need."_

_I started walking off, but then the shithead stopped me in my tracks. "Does your dad know?"_

"_Does my dad know what?" I asked annoyed._

"_Does your dad know that you're really a chick." He said the 'chick' part really low so no one could hear, but I knew exactly what he said._

"_You're fucking insane," I said terrified, but in a self protection numbness so I was still able to function. _

"_Come on, I know what you really took from the store that day, and the more I watch you, the more you don't look like a dude."_

_I stared at him, trying my best to conceal my utter panic, but I was about to lose it so I practically ran past the parking lot and off the school grounds. _

_Everything was falling apart, and I was convinced that Jacob was going to expose me. _

_The week after that, it had all became too much. I was getting harassed, yet again, but this time was worse than ever before. Edward actually wasn't there that time, it was mainly James' best friend Laurent who was the instigator in that instance. Everyone in their little gang would do things to try to prove themselves to James, and Laurent decided it was his turn. He and a couple other guys had pulled me out of the gym, and tied me up with some kind of rope. They intended to tie me to the flagpole without a shirt on, with a sign saying 'honk if you like gays', but seeing how I didn't have a male chest, that was definitely not going to go over well. _

_Somehow, Jacob found us and stopped them. Jacob was in training to try out for the football team the following year, so he was pretty well built, and little scrawny bitches like Laurent and his buddies, were terrified of him. Laurent was trying to be a badass in front of his friends, so Jacob ended up punching him once and then they ran off terrified._

"_Thanks," I said grudgingly. I hated that I was no longer physically as strong as the boys and I couldn't protect myself adequately, and I hated even more that Jacob was the one who saved me._

"_Are you ok?" he asked concerned._

"_Yeah, I'm just…" I couldn't finish my statement, because I wasn't alright. I needed someone to talk to, or I was sure I'd go insane. Alice had always been my confidant, the only sane person who knew the truth, but she had been so busy with her first year of college, that I could rarely get a hold of her._

_Jacob came with me home after school, and in the empty house, I confessed everything. It wasn't until I completely came clean, that I immediately regretted it. I hated that Jacob Black was the one person who knew the reality of my situation, but the truth was that Jacob was really a nice kid. He was loyal, and I knew without a doubt that he'd never tell my secret to anyone. But even more than that, I didn't care about him._

_I truly didn't care if Jacob judged me, or if he was freaked out and never spoke to me again. I guess that's what stopped me from telling Edward all those years. I was too scared to lose him, but now that he was lost, I realized that it had all been for nothing. I could have told him a long time ago, and maybe he'd hate me, but I would have ended up in the same place. Completely alone. _

_Jacob was supportive, and he became my only friend, but I still never felt so alone in my life. I longed for Edward, and every time I passed him in the hall at school, I felt more and more distant from him. He was transforming into someone entirely unrecognizable to me, and it scared me to death. _

_Eventually, I realized that I couldn't change him. I couldn't fix it and I sure as hell couldn't stand by and watch him deteriorate into something as disgusting as James. I had to leave._

"_Are you sure you have to go?" Jacob asked upset._

"_I just can't do this anymore. I really should have never stayed this long, but I just…"_

"_You just didn't want to leave Edward?" he guessed._

"_Or my dad and brother."_

"_Why don't you just tell them the truth?"_

"_Because, Charlie's a cop and…"_

"_I know, I know, you're worried about your mom, but why don't you just tell Edward?"_

"_He'd hate me," I said quickly._

"_He hates you now," he rebutted._

"_You're right," I said, realizing how stupid I had been. Maybe if I told him the truth, he'd understand why I kissed him, maybe he'd forgive me, and maybe over time, we could be friends again. Maybe he'd react the way Jacob did and be understanding, maybe I didn't have to leave, maybe I'd be able to stick it out for Edward's sake….but that was a whole hell of a lot of 'maybes'. _

_The difference between Jacob and Edward, was the fact that Jacob saw right through me, where Edward trusted me more than anyone else in the world. His trust was completely blind, and he never questioned anything I said. Edward was in no way stupid, but I was his entire family, and if he knew how much I lied, what the hell would that do to him?_

_I went to school the next day because my bus ticket to Florida wasn't until that weekend, and I didn't want to miss the quarter final I had in biology. It didn't matter that I was transferring schools, and going to go by a completely different name, I just felt like I needed to take the test…and I needed to say goodbye to Edward._

_I decided to tell Edward the truth, but he wouldn't answer my phone calls and he was never home, so my only option was to corner him at school._

"_Edward, I need to talk to you," I said as I followed him to his locker._

"_Well, since I choose not to breathe the same air as flamers, you're just going to have to talk somewhere else."_

"_Why are you being so mean? Do you realize how much you sound like your father right now? Is that what you want, do you want to become just like him. A bigot chauvinistic pig? Let me guess, you've probably been getting high and drunk all the time too?"_

"_Shut the fuck up. Who the hell are you to make judgments on me? You're a fucking gay fairy that goes around forcing yourself on unsuspecting bystanders."_

"_Look, I'm sorry…"_

"_Don't you fucking do that. I don't want your apologies, I want you to stay the hell away from me," he said angrily and then turned to walk away._

"_Wait, I need to tell you something."_

"_Fuck off!" he said while holding up his middle finger up as he walked away. _

_The bell rang, and I knew there was nothing else I could do._

_I never wanted to cry so bad in my life, so I ducked into the closest 'Mens' bathroom and locked myself in a stall while I tried to bury the tears. I never heard the door open, but when I was finally in control of myself, I exited the stall only to find James standing there waiting for me._

_I tried to ignore him, but his eyes never left me as they followed my every move. After washing my hands, I dried them and was about to open the door to leave, when he moved to block my exit. _

"_Excuse me," I said strongly._

"_You know, I used to think that you and Eddie were a homo couple, but then he started hanging with us and I realized that there isn't a gay bone in his body. That guy can fuck two chicks in one day, even while high. So I figured that he must have ditched you because you were the only one who was actually queer."_

"_I don't know what the hell you're talking about," I said and tried to push past him. _

_What happened next, scared the shit out of me. He grabbed me by the coat, and threw me against the wall aggressively, pinning me against the wall. Then, before I even knew what was happening, his mouth was on mine._

_I wanted to vomit, I wanted to claw my lips off with a pitchfork. He held me tightly and it was impossible to move. I tried not to focus on his disgusting breath in my mouth, instead my only thought was trying to get away from him. I kneed him in the groin, and he gasped and fell over in pain, but then he just got pissed. He grabbed me and threw me back against the wall, and tried to get my pants undone. _

_Luckily, before he could get the button open, someone came in. We were behind the door, so when it opened, the person coming in couldn't see what was going on. James pushed me to the ground just in time for that person to peek around at us._

"_What the fuck are you doing?" he said confused._

_It was Edward._

"_Nothing, just teaching Ben here a lesson," James said before clasping Edward on the shoulder and walking out._

_I quickly got up, and straightened out my shirt._

"_Why don't you just stay the hell away from James and the rest of us," Edward said bitterly, having no idea what just happened. A smarter person would have told him right then, but I was so fucking terrified…and confused, that I couldn't even speak. _

_He turned around, and walked right back out the bathroom. I was positive I'd never see him again, so I whispered 'bye' to him as he disappeared out the door. I lost the urge to cry at that point; there was just nothing left. I stood there in the bathroom for an entire period, and then the day was over and I took the bus home. _

_I never returned to that school, and I never saw Edward again until the day fate sat us at the same table at the ski resort years later._

_I kept in touch with Jacob over the years however, usually through letters and email. I felt bad for all the shit Edward and I used to do to him as kids, and that's when I realized just how far bullying went. Edward and I were bullied when we were younger by James, James and Edward were both bullied by their fathers, and Edward and I bullied Jacob. It was all a vicious cycle, and I was scared that Edward would be forever lost in it._

_James, was obviously gay himself, but too intertwined with hate spewed by his family and upbringing, that he refused to allow himself to be who he really was. He hated himself, and when it came down to it, that's how most bullies felt. Hate for themselves was the anger that drove them and forced them to direct that hate towards others._

_I actually felt really sorry for him._

…

I was so angry. I couldn't believe Edward said that shit about me and Jacob. Truth was that I hardly knew Jake; he was just an open ear in a time when I really needed someone to listen. Jake and I actually hadn't even communicated in over two years, and I would have told Edward about him, but I really never even thought about him until he walked into the yard.

I stormed into the house, and thankfully, most of the party guests were either leaving or outside enjoying the sun. But Rose had Benny inside, and the moment I threw open the door, they both looked up at me confused.

Staring at my son, who looked way too much like his father, I realized that I couldn't let it happen. I suddenly started panicking and I ran right back out faster than I came. Edward was upset, and I knew that when he was hurt and upset he said and did things that were irrational, so I needed to find him. I wouldn't let a misunderstanding get between us again. I would do what I didn't have the guts to do when we were kids, I'd force him to listen. Edward was my life, and it didn't work without him.

I went back to where I left him, but he was gone. I searched the house, but I couldn't find him anywhere. His car was still in the driveway so I figured he must have gone for a walk after all, so I decided to go sit on the porch bench and wait for him to return.

"Hey," Jake said tentatively.

"Hi," I said calmly but really wishing that he'd get lost so Edward wouldn't freak out when he returned.

"Sorry about…whatever the hell happened. I didn't know your situation with Edward or that he'd get so pissed that I knew the truth."

"It's not your fault Jake," I said sincerely. "I should have done a lot of things differently."

"No kidding; like for starters, you should have told him when you told me."

"Well, it's not like you didn't already know."

"I can't believe he really had no idea all that time. Seemed pretty obvious to me afterwards."

"Yeah, key word there is 'afterwards'. Edward said the same thing after he found out."

Jake nodded and then came to sit next to me. "So, you going to marry him?"

"Yes. We just still need to figure some stuff out…does my dad know that you knew the truth back when we were younger?"

"Yeah. He told Billy and I was there, and it was kind of obvious that I wasn't surprised. Charlie called me out on it, so I admitted that I had known for a while."

"I'm sorry about that. I know it couldn't have been easy seeing Charlie grieving my death when you knew I wasn't dead. That wasn't fair to you; I should have never put you in that position."

"Shoulda, coulda, woulda," he said, dismissing my apology. "I went away to college anyway; it's not like seeing Charlie was a common occurrence."

"Thanks for being a good friend," I said quietly.

The front door opened, and Rose came out with Benny. "He wanted to see you," she said while Ben reached for me eagerly.

I took my son in my arms and kissed his head. Rose smiled and then went back in the house, leaving me and Benny alone with Jacob.

"Wow, he looks so much like Edward," Jake said with a chuckle. Benny looked at Jake shyly, as if he just noticed him, and then he leaned into me to try to hide in my hair.

"He's a little shy with strangers right now," I explained.

"Yeah, my sister Rachel has one around his age, I know how it is."

Jake, Benny, and I sat in silence for awhile as I anxiously stared down the road expecting to see Edward, but the minutes stretched on and he didn't come. After about ten minutes, someone else came out of the house, holding a sleeping baby.

"Uh, Bella, you remember Leah?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, Sue's daughter, right?"

"Yeah, how are you?" she asked while placing the baby in Jake's arms.

My mouth fell open. "You're a dad?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah, Leah and I got married last year. This is Claire," he said with a smile as he looked adoringly at his baby girl.

"Oh, she's so beautiful," I cooed.

"Ba," Benny said excitedly then tried to kiss her.

"Oh Benny, no, no," I said, pulling him away. I always got nervous when Benny tried to touch or kiss babies we didn't know. Many new parents were a little paranoid when it came to their infants and didn't like toddlers touching and slobbering on them.

"It's ok, he won't hurt her," Leah said, completely relaxed.

"How old is she?" I asked as her little sleeping eyes fluttered.

"Three months, yesterday," Jake said proudly.

"Oh, they're only eight months apart," I said with a smile and I tried to restrain Benny. He was too young to understand to be careful, so I didn't want him hitting her or anything.

I talked to Leah and Jake a little longer, but they needed to take Claire home, so we said goodbye. I was so happy for them, but I couldn't let that feeling last because Edward still hadn't come back.

_He wouldn't leave for good, would he?_

The thought scared me, but I knew it wasn't true. Edward worshiped Benny and it wasn't like we hadn't fought before. Of course, I never punched him during a fight before, and I regretted it more than anything. I couldn't believe I reacted that way.

Benny had fallen asleep, so I brought him in the house and put him in the portacrib upstairs. I handed Rose the monitor and asked her to listen for him, because I needed to find Edward. I grabbed the car keys and drove around the block hoping to find him. The thought crossed my mind that he went back to the meadow, but then I came to the conclusion that he wouldn't after what happened the last time he went up there.

Hours came and went, and he never showed. People left and we all cleaned up, but Edward didn't come back. I called his cell phone, but then I heard ringing in the bedroom. He left his cell on the nightstand, along with his wallet, which really scared me. He didn't have his phone or keys or ID, so where the hell was he?

The sun set, then rose again, and I waited all day but there was no sign of him.

I started feeling sick, something had to happen to him; he wouldn't have left his son, no matter how pissed he was at me. After the second night passed and he still didn't show, Charlie decided to take his disappearance seriously and put and APB out for him.

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><p><strong>*For those who don't know, APB means All Points Bulletin. It's what police officers put out when they want the other cops to be aware of something, in this case, Charlie wanted other officers to be on the lookout for Edward and bring him in if they find him. I realize most cops wouldn't do this for an adult, especially after two days, but Charlie is the chief and he knew something was wrong.<strong>

**The deviation from the canon pairing, is obviously Jake and Leah. I hate doing that, but there is no Renesmee or 'Nessie' in this story, so I thought it would be best.**

**The 'Glee' reference was when the bully who hated gays, really was gay. I wasn't sure if anyone else picked up on that or not, so I thought I'd explain.**

***Please Review**


	23. Ch 22 Code Ten

**Lies of the Soul**

A/N: I'm sorry about the late update. I had an entirely different version of this chapter written, and then after 5000+ words, I decided that it got too off course so I started over. Everyone who's read my other stories knows how crazy I can get with my plots, but for this story it just didn't flow, so I changed it. I may or may not post that chapter as an outtake/alternate ending sort of thing later on, but we'll see. Thanks for being patient, and I hope it's worth the wait.

One or two more chapters left… :O

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><p>~Chapter 22 – <em>Code Ten<em>~

**EPOV**

I decided to give Bella a little space. I knew I overreacted, but sometimes I just can't seem to keep control of the shit that comes out of my mouth. I didn't understand why she would ever tell that freak about her, and yet not trust me enough with the truth. I knew it was stupid to be so upset over something that happened years ago, but it still hurt. I just felt like she should have let me in, I could have helped her in any way she needed, and a hell of a lot of stuff would have made more sense. But I guess I wasn't the nicest person at that time. I already apologized for my behavior in high school so many times that she got sick of hearing it, although I always felt it was never enough. But now I needed to talk to her again; we had a lot of shit we needed to work out, but for the moment, I needed to escape the crowd. Having _that _discussion was better left until after the party.

But regardless of what happened back then, I sure as hell wasn't going to let something that happened in the past, ruin my future. I decided to walk around the block. I didn't plan on being gone long, despite my hate of every one of Charlie's colleagues, it was still his big day and I didn't want to miss it.

Just a quick ten minute stroll to clear my head.

"Excuse me sir?" a woman said from inside her car. I never saw the woman before, so I didn't feel too much like running for it. Besides, she probably just needed directions.

"Yeah, can I help you?" I asked courteously.

"My car won't seem to start and I don't have a phone," she said.

"Oh," I started patting my pockets and realized that I didn't have my phone either. "I don't have a cell on me, but if you want, I'm just staying around the corner, I can run back and get help."

The redhead cocked her head to the side. "Do you mind just taking a look yourself?"

"I'm not the best when it comes to diagnosing car issues, but actually my sister in law is great with cars. I can go get her if you want."

She smiled and got out of the car. "How nice of you, but I really just need _you_, Edward."

I looked at her suspiciously. "Do we know each other?"

"You don't recognize me, do you? I had such a crush on you in high school, and you wouldn't give me the time or day."

I shook my head, still having no idea who she was. "Sorry, I can't place you."

"Eddie, it's me, Vicky."

I still had no idea.

"James's little sister. Remember, I had the glasses and braces. You called me Pipi."

"Oh…right. Well, like I said, I'm staying with the Swans just around the corner. I'll just run back and call you a mechanic."

But then, another car pulled up.

"Hey babe, I was starting to get worried," a guy said as he got out of his truck.

"I'm fine, I just ran into an old friend of James's. Edward this is Riley, Riley, this is Edward."

"Hi." I said politely. "Well, since it seems like you have help now, I should be getting back." I started walking away, but then I was hit in the back of the head with something, and everything went dark.

…

**BPOV**

"Where could he be?" I asked feeling like my gut was tearing to shreds.

"I know Edward has a history of running away and it's possible that he went back to Alaska, but…." Emmett shook his head. "He wouldn't leave Benny. He's come a long way over the past year. He's not that scared unforgiving kid anymore."

"So you think something happened to him?" I said while nodding, terrified but at least it reassured what I already knew, Edward wouldn't ditch us.

"Well, I issued a 10-57 missing persons alert, and have teams up on the mountain looking for him," an exhausted Charlie said as he walked through the door. He was technically supposed to be retired, but he refused to not be the one heading up the search.

"Dad, he would have never gotten lost up there," I said, thinking that the search party was a waste of time.

"Maybe he fell and broke a leg, or attacked by a wild animal. We just don't know honey."

We were all on edge. Emmett was snapping at everyone, Charlie was jumpy, and even Rose seemed extremely anxious, but she was trying to hold it together to take care of Benny. I was such a mess, I couldn't even think straight.

On the third day, I got a letter.

_Isabella, _  
><em>I just can't handle the truth anymore,<br>so I had to leave before I hurt the kid.  
>Please forget about me,<br>Thanks,  
>Eddie<em>

"Emmett!" I shouted as soon as I read it.

He came barreling down the stairs. "What?" he asked anxiously.

"Read this," I said and handed him the letter.

"This is bullshit!" he yelled angrily.

"I know, right. But it is his handwriting?"

"Yeah, but he'd never write this shit, and he sure as hell wouldn't call Benny 'the kid' or sign his name as 'Eddie'."

"He was forced to write it, he had to have been," I said assuredly. I already knew it as a fact, but it felt good to have Em reaffirm it.

"Bells, don't do anything rash, ok. I'll go take this down to pops at the station."

But how could I _not _do anything rash? Someone had Edward, and I'd be damned if I sat back and did nothing about it.

"Rose, can you watch Benny?" I asked, already in motion.

"Of course, but where are you going?" she asked concerned.

"I'm going to find Edward."

"Bella no. If someone really did take Edward, then you need to let the police handle it."

"Rose, what would you do if it was Emmett?" I asked her quietly.

She stared at me for a moment, and then she nodded. "I'd go out there and find him."

"I know you would. Thanks Rose," I whispered and then grabbed my keys and purse and ran out of the house. I got in the car and started driving aimlessly. I had no idea where to start looking, or what I was looking for, but the tiny town of Forks suddenly seemed vaster than the Pacific Ocean.

Edward could have been anywhere. He made a lot of enemies when he lived there, and any number of them could have wanted to take their revenge on him.

I started my search at his childhood home.

"Can I help you?" Mr. Masen asked after opening the door.

"Uh…" I suddenly didn't know what to say. Mr. Masen knew Ben, but should I waste time with that deep of an explanation? I think not. "I'm looking for Edward. He isn't here by any chance, is he?"

"My son?"

"Yes. He's been missing for a couple days and I was hoping you heard from him."

"James came by a few days ago asking questions about him as well."

"James? When?"I asked in heightened panic.

"First he came several months ago after Edward stopped by here briefly, and then again three days ago."

"What did he say?"

"He mainly asked about you, Miss Swan."

"Me?" I asked surprised. "You know who I am?"

"Well, you haven't changed all _that _much Ben."

I raised my eyebrows, even more surprised than before.

"There has been whispers around town about you. People talk you know. Some said that you're Charlie's daughter that he never knew he had, and others have concluded that you were actually Ben who decided to become a woman. I've never seen you before…well not since you were a child, but now that you're here, I can see that both assumptions of your identity are correct, and yet neither are right."

"Oh yeah, and how did you come up with that?" I asked a little defensively.

"Well, as I see you now, it's quite obvious that you're naturally a woman, but on top of that, I saw your son. Edward had him at the store, and I recognized both of you in him right away, but didn't know how that was possible until now. You _are_ the daughter Charlie didn't know he had, but you're also Ben. I can imagine that Edward didn't take the news so well when he first found out, but if anyone knows how deeply he hides his true feelings, it's you."

His understanding took me off guard for a moment. I would have never thought such an impetuously uncouth man could have come up with the truth so easily. But I didn't have time to analyze it, I needed to find Edward.

"Please Mr. Masen, if there's anything at all that you know that may be of use to finding Edward, I need to know."

"James is no good. I knew he was no good when Edward started hanging out with him in high school, but by then, I had been out of Edward's life for so long, that he refused to listen to me. I was here, but I wasn't really here, and I'm so grateful he had you Ben. If anyone at all is credited to his life today, it's you."

"Uh Bella," I said uncomfortably. "My name is Bella."

"Well Bella, thank you. Thank you for always watching out for my son. When I heard of you death, I was so sure Edward would be forever lost as well, but you're both still here, and I accredit you and your family for that."

"Sir, I just really need to find him. He disappeared three days ago and then this morning I got a note saying that I needed to forget about him."

He shook his head. "Edward adores his son, it was obvious the way he held him and protected him when I saw them at the store. There's no way he would have left. Besides the fact that James was looking for him, I really don't know anything. If there is anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Thanks," I said awkwardly and then left.

I started walking around down town and contacted a few of James's old buddies, but none knew how to find him.

As the sun drooped lower in the sky, I was starting to lose hope and I knew there was nothing else I could do that night, so I decided to go home until first light. When I got back to the house, Benny was already sleeping and even though I missed him terribly from being away all day, I was grateful he didn't know I was there. It was better that he didn't know I was there, because after being gone, he would surely cling to me and not let me go again for awhile.

With the waking sun, I restarted my search and thankfully this time, I didn't have to wander around for long.

"Are you looking for Edward?" someone asked me.

I turned to see Heidi standing there, seeming to know way more than that.

"Where is he?" I demanded.

"We ran into each other and got talking. One thing led to another and we fucked. He felt bad, so he left," she said emotionlessly.

I took a deep calming breath, and then I asked her again. "Where is he?"

"I just told you."

I had enough being nice. I grabbed her by the shirt and pulled her into an alley, and then threw her against a wall.

"Talk!" I demanded.

"This is assault," she screeched.

"Oh this isn't assault, but if you want, I can show you assault." I reinforced my threat by clinching my fist and pulling it back, ready to strike.

"Please, I can't tell you." Her monotone voice broke and rose to a higher pitch.

"Why can't you tell me?" I asked strongly.

"Because he said he'd kill my brother if I said anything."

"Who's threatening you?" I asked even though I already had a pretty good idea.

She broke down and started crying then. "James. He's only gotten worse over the years, and he scares the shit out of me. My brother Demetri got involved with him, and now he doesn't know how to break away."

"Involved with him how?"

"James does all sorts of shady shit. Demetri went into business with him selling stolen electronics. I know it wasn't the smartest thing for him to do, but he just thought it was easy money. But it became more than that and now Demetri doesn't know how to get away from him."

"Why haven't you told the police?"

"James knows a lot of gangbangers in Port Angeles, and they've come here in the past. Your dad ran them out of town, but James said they can always come back and I'm afraid of what that'll mean for my brother."

"What does he want with Edward?"

She shrugged. "I don't know for sure. Edward knows something about him from high school, and he's afraid of it coming out. James didn't seem to care about Edward until you both came back to town, but now he probably wants to silence him permanently."

It was obvious that Heidi didn't know anymore than what she said, so I decided to continue my search.

"Wait!" she called after me.

"What?"

"James and I dated briefly last year; I didn't realize what scum he was before," she said disgustedly. "He took me to his cabin by the river. I don't know for sure if he would have taken Edward there, but perhaps you should look."

She gave me vague directions to where she thought the cabin was, and then she got nervous again, as if the buildings had ears, and then she took off quickly.

I ran back to the house and grabbed a map, then got Charlie's ATV out of the garage.

"Bella, you need to wait for Charlie and Emmett to go with you," Rose said, trying to talk some sense into me. "It's too dangerous."

"Rose, both of them are out searching for leads on Edward. I don't know for sure if Edward is out there, so I need them to keep searching here just in case. Besides, I don't have time to wait for them, if Edward is out there, then I need to get to him."

"I'm going to call them and tell them where you're going!" Rose yelled at me as I started the engine of the ATV.

I didn't want to stay there and argue with her, especially when she was right. If James had Edward locked in the cabin, then I probably did need help. There was no way James would stand by and just let me take him out, I'd needed back up.

I drove the ATV out through the forest for over an hour, I had a tank of extra gas tied to the back, because I knew the damn thing didn't hold enough for my whole trip. I knew search teams had been out in the woods looking for him already, but their search didn't cover the area where James's cabin was.

I drove around lost for a while, but I eventually came across a cabin. I wasn't sure it was the right one, but there didn't seem to be any other cabins anywhere near there, so I decided to go look inside. It was hardly a cabin however, it was more of a tiny decrepit shack that appeared to be abandoned, but I didn't go that far to not check it out.

The door didn't seem to have a lock on it, or perhaps it just broke off over the years, so I slowly pushed it open with a loud squeak. I scanned the dirty musty room, and didn't see anyone, but there was definitely a smell of blood. Between the rusty metallic smell of the blood, and the mildew must, my stomach churned and I almost vomited. I was about to turn to leave, thinking the blood was just from a hunter who gutted his kill there or something, but then I saw a body slouched over in the far corner of the room.

"Edward!" I screamed and ran to him, but it wasn't Edward. "James?"

He tried to say something, but then someone grabbed me from behind. I was about to try to fight him off, but then he covered my mouth with his filthy rancid hand. I wasn't going to be held against my will, so I bit his slimy hand forcing him to let me go momentarily, but then he held a knife up to my throat.

"Hi sweetheart."

"Who the hell are you?" I asked as I looked into the eyes of a man who I recognized, but couldn't place.

"Oh, I was just about to introduce myself. My name is James Aronstein the first."

"You're his father?" I asked and then turned to look at James on the floor. He could hardly keep his eyes open, but he tried as he watched our interaction.

"The one and only. Nice to finally meet you Benny, I've heard so many things about you over the years," he said while laughing at the end."

"Why are you doing this?" I asked as he stuck the knife deeper into my throat. If he pushed just the tiniest amount, it would penetrate my skin.

James moaned, but his father ignored him.

"As a parent, you try to raise them right, you try to instill rights and wrongs in them. I knew he was somewhat of a sissy as a child, so I tried to toughen him up and I thought I had until a few days ago when he started acting peculiarly. I suspected that Eddie was a queer when he was a teen and I was always worried that he'd corrupt my son. But then I heard about the Chief's cross dressing son, and on top of that, I found your picture in James's old room. I couldn't sit back and watch my son go down that road."

"Where's Edward?" I demanded.

"You really shouldn't have come back to town; James was on the right track until you got here," he said ignoring my question.

"The right track? Wasn't he selling stolen electronics and threatening to kill people?" I retorted.

"No, James worked as an exterminator. Heidi told you what I asked her to in order to get you to come here. Isn't she a wonderful actress?"

"This was a trap?" I asked feeling like an idiot for falling for it.

Put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel if your son was obsessing about another man?"

"I'd love my son no matter what, and I'd hope he could be who he really was instead of hiding it."

"Well, only parents can make the judgment of what they'd do."

"I _am _a parent, I have a son, and if he was gay, I'd really hope he'd be open and honest about it and I'd help him in any way I could. I've lived a lie for a really long time, and even though I thought I was ok, I realized that it was eating away at me and the lies just tore me apart from the people who mattered to me the most. It's no way to live, and if James is really gay, then you should help him find that truth."

"I helped him find the truth, the truth that people like him have no place in society."

"Where's Edward?" I asked again.

Edward was just a way for me to get to you; I didn't really want him, at least not after I learned that James only ever wanted you. My daughter Vicky and her boyfriend helped lure him away from the chief's party, though I do have to say, it was far too easy. Edward was all too eager to get some of what Vicky was offering him; I guess he was tired of fucking a transsexual."

"Where is he?" I yelled, tired of his bullshit.

"People like you and Edward shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us. You corrupted my son, invaded his mind, YOU RUINED HIM!"

He pulled he knife back, ready to thrust it into my skin, but then there was a gunshot and he fell to the ground.

I turned in the direction where the gunshot came from, and I saw Emmett and Charlie there, both holding guns.

"Are you ok?" Charlie asked as he rushed to me and gave me a once over for injuries.

"Dad, I'm fine," I assured him.

Emmett went over to James to check him out. "Can you speak?" he asked him.

James tried to say something, but it only came out as a gurgle.

"I radioed in for Chopper support," Charlie said.

"Where's Edward?" I asked James, even though it was obvious that he couldn't talk.

Emmett then became infuriated. "He's not here?" he roared then turned back to James's father who had been shot in the shoulder and was currently sitting on the ground, with Charlie's handcuffs restraining him. "Where is Edward?" he asked him and held the gun to his forehead.

"Em, if you kill him, we'll never find Edward," Charlie reasoned. James Sr. just laughed as he saw the anger boiling over in Emmett's eyes. "Why don't you go outside son, and wait for the chopper; I've got this covered."

Emmett glared at James Sr. and then nodded to Charlie and walked outside.

"Are you sure you're ok, honey?" Charlie asked me. "What were you thinking coming out here alone? It was a good thing Rose called us."

"I just needed to find Edward," I said quietly as a tear dripped from my eye knowing I was no closer to finding him.

"AH SHIT!" Emmett's voice echoed through the house from outside.

I ran outside to see what was wrong, and then I saw him. Emmett was behind the shack and he was staring motionless at the ground.

"Oh, fuck no," he cried and when I reached him, I saw what he was looking at. There was a deep ditch, and inside, was Edward.

"Oh my god!" I screamed and tried to climb down to him.

"Bella wait," Emmett grabbed me so I couldn't continue.

"Let me go!" I ordered, but he refused.

"Bella, he's…" Emmett couldn't finish his sentence.

"No Em, he's not, I just need to get to him," I pleaded desperately.

"POPS!" Em yelled to Charlie. Charlie came out and ran to us, and saw what was wrong.

"Jesus Christ!" he yelled, and then he took my arm from Emmett.

Em then immediately slid down into the muddy ditch, and carefully moved Edward's arm so he could feel for a pulse. I watched as Emmett moved his hand around trying to find any sign of life, but then he sat back against the wall of the ditch and covered his face with his hand before slowly looking up at me.

"He's gone Bella, I'm so sorry," Emmett whispered.

"No, no," I tried to get away, but Charlie just held me tighter. "No, let me go. EDWARD!" I cried in a panic, not believing that he was actually dead.

And then we heard the helicopter. Emmett looked up, then at me, then back at Edward. He reached down, and put his arm under Edward's lifeless head and the other under his legs, and then he lifted him up. Charlie let go of me then, and reached down to help Emmett get him out of the ditch. They struggled for a minute, and then finally got him up. He laid him on the ground, and I knelt down beside him and cradled his cold body against me.

"Edward, you have to wake up, you can't leave me. We promised each other that we'd always be together, remember?" I felt like I couldn't breathe, every inch of me hurt as if I had just rolled down a mountain in a ball of metal spikes. My heart ached so badly that it was causing physical pain, and it was swallowing me whole.

The helicopter landed and the paramedics ran to us without us waving for them. Charlie stood, took a deep breath and with a thick voice, he explained to them what happened.

"This is the first victim Edward Masen, twenty five year old male, 11-44."

11-44…11-44…11-44. The number kept repeating in my head over and over again. It was the number that the emergency personnel used for 'deceased'. 11-44…11-44…11-44.

Edward was 11-44.

"Are there other victims?" one of the men asked.

"Yes, in the cabin. One more victim _code 40_, and the assailant is handcuffed and was also shot in the shoulder _code 30_."

Two paramedics ran towards the cabin, but the third stayed. I watched as he checked Edward over once as standard practice, and then he began moving more quickly. "We have a pulse," he said unexpectedly and then got out his radio. "Code 10, code 10!"

His pulse had to have been so weak that Emmett couldn't detect it himself, but all that mattered was that he _did_ have a pulse.

"Edward? Come back baby," I cried as the other paramedics came rushing back.

One ripped open his shirt and pressed sensors on his chest, while another jammed a tube down his throat and started pumping the attached globe. They brought a stretcher board over and moved him carefully onto it.

"We radioed for extra support," a paramedic explained to Charlie. "We have to take him first, he's most critical, and the other chopper will come for the others."

"Can I come?" I asked desperately.

"We have room for one passenger since one of us has to stay with the other victims."

I followed the paramedics as they took him to the copter, and then held his hand as they flew us to the hospital.

I had never been more scared in my life because _code 10_ meant 'critical trauma case', but at least it wasn't an 11-44. However, the moment the paramedic said 'code ten', I knew Edward was going to be ok. We didn't know how long he was in that ditch for, or what the extent to his injuries were, but he was hanging on because he wanted to live.

Edward had been fighting most of his life, and now he would have to fight his hardest battle yet, the battle for his life.

* * *

><p><strong>*I'm not a paramedic or a police officer, so I'm not entirely sure on the codes and proper protocol. I looked it up, but I could be using them entirely wrong. Please forgive any mistakes and try to overlook them. Thanks.<strong>

**There's still a lot that we don't know about what happened to Edward, remember the letter Bella got? EPOV next.**

**Please review**


	24. Ch 23 Darkness

**Lies of the Soul**

_A/N: This chapter is shorter than normal because I just wanted to focus on EPOV and not move on to what happens after they are reunited. Plus, since so many were upset that I took too long to update last time (3 days, rather than my normal 1) I decided that a shorter chapter was better than a longer one, which would take more time to write._

_I think of all my stories as puzzles. I have the complete picture in my head the entire time, but I just have to piece it all together. The beginning and the end always seem to be the hardest to work out, so I usually take more time, where the middle chapters practically write themselves. Just finding the right way to fit and complete it is always the most difficult for me. I'll try to finish this thing as quick as possible, but I don't want to rush it too much because then it will come out choppy and confusing._

*****Most commented on how crazy James's dad is, but I mean really, are any of you surprised. You all know how I love my crazy people, and I always have to torture Edward a bit. It's just a fact; Edward must be tortured in all my stories, so here's Edward's torture. Enjoy ;)

* * *

><p>~Chapter 23- <em>In the Darkness<em>~

EPOV

I woke up with the most severe headache of my life, so I tried to remember what the hell happened to me, but thinking was difficult. I looked around as the pounding in my head increased, and had no idea where I was.

"You may want to take it easy; I'd assume that you have a concussion."

I looked up and saw a man sitting there, but my head hurt too bad for me to remember who exactly he was. I knew I recognized him, but I didn't know from where.

"Why am I here?" I asked, but the words coming out of my mouth bounced through my brain like an electric shock.

"Because, it's all your fault. Now, shut up!" He yelled, or he could have been talking quietly and it just seemed loud because of the state I was in.

I kept falling in and out of consciousness, but every time I was awake, I tried to focus on whoever the hell was in the room with me. He mostly seemed agitated, like he was worried about something. At one point he was pacing around the room and talking to himself.

The next thing I knew, someone else was in the room, so I tried to concentrate on what was being said.

"I want my fucking money!" a female voice said.

"Relax Vic, you know I'm good for it," the man said.

"I'm not going to relax. Riley is getting pissed that you're not paying."

"Well, let him get pissed."

"He's going to go to dad if you don't pay soon."

"He can't go to dad," the man said in a panic. "He's already pissed enough; all I need is him coming out here."

"What the fuck are you doing with him anyway?"

"He lied to me about something, and it just about ruined me. And now, he's going to pay."

"So, why don't you just make him pay then and be done with it?"

"No, he needs to suffer as I have suffered."

"Whatever. Just tell me where my money is."

"I don't have it yet. I told you, this guy is loaded and when I'm done with him, you'll have even more than the cut I promised you."

"I better; otherwise Riley is going to go ballistic."

"I just need to lie low for a while until I'm sure no one is looking for him. The last thing I need is someone getting suspicious and putting a hold on his bank account."

Their voices became warped as I faded back out of consciousness.

I didn't know how much time passed, but eventually I woke up again and the mental fog started to clear.

"James?" I finally remembered.

"I told you to shut up!" he yelled at me again.

"James, what the hell are you doing?" I asked groggily as I was feebly trying to pull my arms out of the restraints that I was locked in.

"Damn it, do you need me to fucking knock you out again?"

"Just tell me why I'm locked here?"

"Because, it's all your fault!" he repeated.

"Yeah, I got that. What are you talking about?"

"When I heard you were back in town, I went to your old man's place and asked him if the rumors were true."

"What rumors?" I asked confused.

"The rumors that Ben is really alive."

"Ben?...Look, I really don't know what you're talking about. I haven't spoken to Ben in years."

James stared at me intensely, and then walked closer to me and moved his face within inches of mine. "What the fuck are you playing, Masen? You know exactly what the hell I'm talking about."

I shook my head. "No. The last time I saw Ben was when you were with him in that bathroom at school. He left to go live with his mom or some shit like that. That was what, like two years ago or something."

And then, without warning, he kneed me in the stomach, and hard. It knocked the wind out of me, so after a minute of him watching me huff, he started speaking again.

"You really expect me to believe that you don't remember fucking him?"

"Fucking him?" I asked after catching my breath. "What the hell are you talking about? He was my best friend, but I never fucked him."

I started to wonder if perhaps James somehow knew about the time Ben kissed me, because why the hell else would he come up with such a conclusion.

"You swore that there was nothing going on between you two, and then I learn that you've been fucking all this time. I let you be part of my gang in high school because I thought you were straight and hated fags as much as I did. Then you both come back to town and people started talking about you two again, and naturally, my name comes into the conversation because I was friends with your homo ass. I was doing great working as an exterminator, and then everything goes to hell in a matter of a couple hours. Stupid small town motherfuckers. A few hours and gossips spreads like wildfire, and my reputation is fucked."

I shook my head. "You lost me man."

"I'm not in the mood for your shit, Masen. I have enough to worry about without your false selective amnesia."

"Amnesia? I don't have amnesia, do I? I mean, my head really fucking hurts, but you'd think I would remember something like what you're saying."

James then snapped. He pulled out a gun and pressed it to my head. "Tell me the truth, or I'll blow your fucking brains out." The crazy inhuman look in his eyes let me know just how serious he was about killing me, so I decided to tell him what I thought he wanted to hear.

"Ok, fine. A few years ago…Ben kissed me. I fucking got grossed out, and told him to get lost. A few months later he finally took my advice and left town."

"And you never saw him again after that?" he asked skeptically.

"No, why?"

James shook his head and then pulled the gun away. "Whatever, it doesn't matter."

"Hey James," a female voice said.

"Heidi, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Chief Swan has started a search for Edward, I just thought you'd like to know."

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?" James yelled agitatedly.

"I just came here to warn you that your dad's not happy."

"Oh, I get it, you're working for him. What the fuck Heidi?"

"I'm not working for him, I'm working for myself. He's offered me some money to help him out, so I thought I'd come to you first and see what your counter offer is. You see, he doesn't know you're keeping him prisoner," she said and then started laughing. "He thinks you two are up here fucking."

"Shit! I knew he was fucking pissed when he found that picture in my old room."

"So, your dad thinks you're gay, so what, there could be worse things," Heidi said casually.

"No, being gay is not anywhere close to OK. My father used to be a member of the KKK, and they don't just hate different races. When he found that picture of Ben, he got pissed and told me that I wasn't his son anymore, and the fucking gossip just confirmed it in his mind."

"I didn't even know the KKK was still around."

"Heidi, what the fuck happened to you? You used to be nice. What the hell did I ever do to you to make you want to do this shit?" I asked.

She smirked at me and then walked closer. "Oh baby, you didn't do anything." She pressed her cherry flavored lips to mine and then licked up the side of my face. It was actually really fucking disgusting. "These are hard times lover, and a girl needs to make money anyway she can."

"Oh, so you're a hooker too? No wonder you look like a used hag now."

She slapped me across the face, but by that point, my cheeks were pretty numb so I hardly flinched.

"What the fuck is my father paying you for?" James said, ignoring our little exchange.

"Just to come up here and spy on you. Like I said, I'm waiting to see what the best offer is."

"Well, go back to him and tell him that I'm up here planning to kill him, and maybe then he'll get off my fucking back about thinking I'm gay."

"Wait, you're gay?" I asked. I couldn't help it, I tried biting my tongue, but my confusion got the better of me."

"Shut the fuck up!" he demanded. "The only homo here, is you."

"Why do you keep saying that? I'm not gay, but if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't be all bitchy like you are."

"So, you never had any feelings for another guy? Never?"

"Sexual feelings? No. Is that why I'm here; are you in love with me James?" I asked with a teasing tone.

"Oh, you think you're funny, huh?"

"No, it's not funny, but I just don't understand what you want with me."

"You ruined my life, so I'm going to ruin yours. First, you're going to empty your bank account into mine. Next I'm going to make Ben think you don't love him and took off, and then I'm going to beat the shit out of you so my father knows that I'm not gay."

"But, you are gay?" I asked confused by his plan.

James lunged at me and then started punching me again. My arms were tightly bound, so I couldn't do much to defend myself. As he pounded on my face, the throbbing in my head returned as the blood came pouring out of my nose. _My fucking nose, getting broken again._

I got pissed at that point, so even though I was weak, probably due to my concussion, I decided to do whatever it took to fight back. I started thrashing to get him off of me, and when he fell over, I kicked him in the jaw. Twice.

James backed off then, but he picked up a metal chair and raised above his head, ready to strike me with it, but Heidi decided to step in then.

"You're going to kill him, and then you won't get your money," Heidi said deviously. James thought about it for a moment, and then put the chair down before going to get a cloth to nurse his busted face.

I continued to bleed out of my nose, but it didn't really bother me since my head felt like it was going to explode and it was hard to feel anything else. Heidi left, but it wasn't long before the redhead came back.

"The search is increasing. They're not going to stop looking for him unless they think he left on his own free will. Soon those search parties will be out here," she said worriedly.

"I guess we'll just have to make him write a letter," James replied.

He got a paper and pencil, and hurried back with it. "Now, here's what I want you to write."

I could hardly see straight, but I studied the paper he gave me with writing on it, and finally was able to read it."Who is _Isabella_?" I asked. I was supposed to copy his letter so it was in my handwriting, but I worried about who would be receiving the letter and why.

"Just copy the fucking letter."

"Fine." I said and began writing. It was short and simple, and nothing like what I'd ever really write, so the recipients weren't going to buy it, but I wasn't about to tell James that. "Here."

"Vicky, stay here with Eddie while I go deliver this letter."

"There is no way I'm staying alone with him. Give me the letter and I'll deliver it."

"Have it your way."

The redhead grabbed the letter and then as she was heading out the door, she turned back with a sadistic smile. "Let's hope this gets the police to back down, otherwise, dad's going to get involved and then you're both dead."

By the time the sun rose the next day, my body started seizing up from the injuries and lack of food and water. I started throwing up bile and other stomach acids, which only added to my dehydration. My head hurt so bad that I actually couldn't feel it anymore, my arms had lost blood circulation so I couldn't feel those either. My body was deteriorating, and if I couldn't find a way to escape, I knew I wouldn't make it much longer.

"James," my voice was so dry and raspy that it was hardly intelligible.

"Who told you to talk?"

"Water…I need water."

"Do you, now?" he asked cockily. He stood up and walked over to me slowly with a bottle of water in his hands. First he chugged it down his own throat, and when there was only a sip left, he acted like he was going to hand it to me, and then he dumped it out just out of my reach.

"How am I going to be able to get you your money if I'm dead, moron," I croaked.

James huffed, and then went to grab another bottle of water. He sat it down in front of me, so I grabbed it quickly before he had a chance to take it away, but I had so little strength that I couldn't even get the cap off.

"Just give it to me," he said and then pulled it out of my hands. I thought he was going to dump it out again, but instead he opened it and then handed it back to me.

I frantically grabbed it and spilled half as I tried to pour the water in my mouth. My throat was closed, so I had a hard time swallowing, and what I did manage to get down, I ended up vomiting back out. I knew better than to chug water when I was dehydrated, but I couldn't help it at the moment. The water felt so good on my lips that I just couldn't put it down.

After my frenzy calmed, I slowly sipped the water for a while, until we got another visitor.

"Dad," James said surprised.

"Don't call me that," the man said threateningly. "You lost the title of my son when you decided to become a freak."

"Fine, then why are you here?"

"Heidi told me what you were up to, and I have to admit that I'm impressed, but we both know that Edward isn't the man you have to prove yourself with."

"I don't know what you mean."

"We both know you were really in love with Ben, so I've arranged to have him come here to meet us."

"Wait, what? Ben is a cross-dresser, why would you want him here?" James asked confused.

I was pretty fucking confused myself, but I decided to stay quiet for a few more minutes, just so I could try to figure out exactly what was going to happen.

"I want proof that you really don't want him. Then, maybe we can work on rebuilding our relationship again. I want nothing more than to share my empire with you son, but if you can't be a real man, than it'll never work."

"Of course I'm a real man. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it."

"Good, now untie our friend over there."

James looked surprised at his father's order, and quite frankly so was I. I always knew James Sr. was demented, which is why I would have never expected him to release me. Unless he planned to take me to the bank, or something.

James cut me loose, and then he waited for further instructions from his father.

"Get up Masen," he ordered me.

I tried to stand, but it was difficult given how weak I was, but eventually I managed to get upright.

We all walked outside, or rather they walked and I kind of half crawled. It was a particularly warm day and the sun felt so good on my skin, that I suddenly felt worlds better. I didn't feel anything close to good, but better than I was.

"Now James, prove yourself to me…kill him."

What the fuck?

I was never stupidly confident that I wasn't going to die in that cabin, but James Sr.'s demand took me off guard.

"I don't have a gun or knife," James said quietly.

"Be a man and use your fucking hands."

"No, if he's dead than we can't get his money."

"Fuck the money, this is about honor. First you're going to kill Eddie, and then when Ben gets here, you'll kill him too. Now do it!"

Oh, hell no. Perhaps if it was just my life on the line I would have never been able to find the energy to fight back, but even just hearing 'Ben' and 'kill' in the same sentence made me boil over. I'd never let that happen so I searched deep inside myself and gathered every last bit of strength that I could find.

James and I stared at each other for a moment, and then he charged at me. He swung his fist, but I ducked and elbowed him in the back.

"Oh come on you fucking pansy, Eddie is weak and you still can't get the upper-hand. What the fuck is wrong with you!" James Sr. yelled to his son.

That seemed to get James even more pissed, so then he ran to me again and held nothing back. The murder was heavy in his eyes, and I actually felt a little sorry for him. He was like a raging pit-bull who was forced to fight by an abusive master.

I grabbed him in a headlock and we each started punching and kicking as we fought to the death. This wasn't a school yard rumble, this was a fight to survive that wouldn't end until one of us was dead. Kill, or be killed.

I was naturally a better fighter than him. He grew up beating and bulling those smaller than him, but I grew up learning how to fight by the best teacher imaginable. Ben taught me, Emmett taught Ben, and Charlie taught Emmett. Charlie knew things that could only truly be learned in the police academy, which he passed on to us. Charlie wanted his children to know how to defend themselves and to take down an enemy if necessary. I knew what to do, and I did it.

I had James down and he started crying for mercy, which I was about to give, but James Sr. gave it instead. He pulled me off of his son, and then I felt the knife go into my gut.

I involuntarily looked at the man holding the knife in my stomach, and he smirked.

"You didn't think I'd actually let you win, did you?" he pulled out the knife and then pushed it right back in, stabbing me a second time.

Perhaps it was adrenaline, or maybe it was pure determination, but I didn't fall. It wasn't until he pulled the knife out of me for the third time that he decided he had enough. He pulled back and I thought he was going to stab my in the neck, but he didn't, he knocked me in the head with the butt of the handle. And then I finally fell.

I couldn't move, I couldn't even open my eyes, but I was aware enough to know I was being picked up and then after being carried somewhere, I was thrown down. It felt like I fell for a long time before I finally landed with an audible thud. I was vaguely aware that I was in the mud because it was cool and the scent was heavy in my nose. Although I was unable to move, the last sense that left before the darkness overtook me, was my hearing.

It sounded like I was listening from underwater, and my brain was hazy again as I begun to drift out, but I could hear the two men fighting.

"You no good worthless piece of shit, I should have killed you after your mother died." And then there was the thumping and wrestling noise of what sounded like more fighting, and I was sure that James Sr. was beating his son.

Then I heard what sounded like the engine of an ATV.

"Fuck, get the hell inside!"

The last thing I heard before I slipped into nothingness, was the sound of the engine roaring as it pulled to a stop just several yards away.

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><p><strong>*What did you think? Please Review!<strong>


	25. Ch 24 Never

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 24 _– Never_~

BPOV

Edward didn't move at all during the whole helicopter trip. The paramedics kept working on him so I couldn't be as close as I wanted to be, but I was ok with that. As long as they kept him alive and I could see him and hold his hand, I was ok.

When the copter landed, Edward was rushed in to be examined by the ER doctors.

"Multiple stab wounds to the abdomen, head trauma, dehydration…" The lead doctor started naming off everything that he could see that was wrong with Edward. "I need X-rays and a surgical room ready, stat."

"Miss, you need to wait in the hall," a nurse said to me while I watched intensely as they worked on Edward.

I shook my head. "I need to be here with him," I whispered, unable to speak any louder.

"You need to let the doctors do their job, please don't make me call security," the nurse threatened. I was pissed at first, but I knew she was just following the rules…which pissed me off even more. I hesitantly stepped out of the room but refused to go any further.

"Code Blue, Code Blue!" I heard someone yelling from inside the room. "Clear…..again. Clear…."

My whole body was shaking violently as I realized the very real possibility that Edward might not make it. _No, I refused to acknowledge that chance. He made it this long; I had to believe he'd make it the rest of the way. Edward was strong, he would survive, he had to._

A few minutes later, they wheeled him out and started pushing him down the hall, so I followed.

"We're taking him into surgery. He lost a lot of blood and needs a transfusion. Please call all his family for donations," the RN said as we walked at a brisk pace.

When we got to the surgical room, I squeezed his hand before they shut me out. I felt completely helpless and alone. I hated waiting, I felt like I should be doing more to fight for him, but there was nothing to do. Edward's only biological family was Benny, who was too young to be a donor, and his father.

So I called Mr. Masen. "Edward is in serious condition, he needs a blood transfusion."

"I'm coming," was all he said before the phone went dead. Since Mr. Masen was a cancer survivor, I wasn't sure if they'd allow him to donate, but either way, I felt like I needed to tell him about Edward regardless.

Ten minutes later, Emmett and Charlie came rushing down the hall to meet me.

"How is he?" Emmett asked frantically.

I shook my head. "I don't know. He's in surgery, but they haven't told me anything. They said he was stabbed and he lost a lot of blood, but other than that," I shrugged as I fought back the tears. I couldn't lose it; I needed to be strong for Edward.

Charlie wrapped his arms around me comfortingly, and held me for a few moments. "He'll be ok. That boy is a fighter; he's going to make it. We have to have faith."

I nodded and Charlie let me go, before turning away and whipping his face. I knew he didn't want Em and I to see him crying, so I pretended not to notice. Emmett didn't cry, but his face was white with worry and the color didn't seem to be returning anytime soon.

"How's James?" I asked after awhile. I felt so bad for him, his father was a lunatic and we had no idea the extent of the torture he endured over his lifetime. After I was sure Edward was stable, I planned to go see how he was doing.

"He seems ok. He's got a lot of surface wounds, and maybe some broken bones. I think he has a collapsed throat pipe and that's why he couldn't really speak, but he should be fine in a few days," Emmett explained James's condition to me.

"God, I can't believe his father tried to kill him and Edward. He really is crazy. I can't really blame him for the mean stuff he did as a kid after seeing the piece of work that his father is."

"James hasn't been the most stand up of a guy either though Bella, I wouldn't feel too sorry for him if I was you," Charlie rebutted.

"Yeah, but….man, having a parent like that."

"Oh, give me a break," Emmett argued. "You had a crazy ass mother, and you didn't turn out like that. Edward's dad wasn't much better than James's Sr. either."

"Yeah, but Edward and I had you guys for stability. Who did James have? No one."

I never thought I'd be defending James, but I couldn't help it. He was a gay man who bullied others because his father was a lunatic. Edward had less than superb behavior for a while too, and if Emmett and Charlie hadn't stepped in, who knows how Edward would have turned out.

Edward's dad arrived, and as feared, he wasn't allowed to donate because of his medical history, so I started to panic.

"But he's his only blood relative who's older than a year."

"We're just going to have to use a non-related donor," the nurse said. We all took turns going to the lab to donate, but none of us were matches. Luckily, Edward had a fairly common blood type and they were able to find a match quick enough.

Edward's father didn't say much, but the stress on his face matched my own father's and I knew he was terrified. He wasted so much time being drunk that I wondered if their relationship was beyond repair. I really hoped not, if only for Edward's sake; carrying around that much anger wasn't good for anyone. They didn't have to be super close, but some cordial politeness would make a huge difference.

An hour later, the doctor came out.

"How is he?" I asked before he had a chance to talk.

"He was stabbed three times, which we were able to repair with no lasting damage. Thankfully the knife missed all his major organs. We're treating him for dehydration. But our biggest concern is that he's had a lot of trauma to his head, and the untreated concussion has caused a lot of swelling in the brain. We need to remove a piece of the skull to allow the brain to not crush itself, and we also need to keep him in a medically induced coma until he has a chance to heal."

"Is there brain damage?" Emmett asked the question that I was too afraid to ask.

"It's too soon to know the extent of any permanent damage, but he is having a lot of brain activity at the moment, which is why we need to keep him unconscious. We need to make his brain work as little as possible until he's had time to heal and get back to any level of normal functioning. Now, medically induced comas and removal of part of the skull are huge surgeries, so we'll need consent."

I nodded. "Ok, where do I sign?" I asked knowing without a doubt that Edward needed to surgery.

"Are you his wife?" the doctor asked.

"…No," I said quietly, taken by surprise. I knew only legally documented family could sign for patients when they couldn't sign for themselves, but I guess I never really thought about it. Edward and I were each other's family, and I never realized how important getting married really was.

"I'm his father," Mr. Masen stood and said.

"Legally?"

"Yes Sir."

"Ok, follow Nurse Jackie and she'll get you all the necessary paperwork."

I felt sick as Mr. Masen disappeared around the corner. It just wasn't right. Edward had never had a real relationship with his father, and he and I were everything to each other, but I couldn't sign anything on his behalf.

"I guess you should have married him when he asked," Emmett said quietly. Charlie hit him in the back of the head. "What?" he asked confused.

"She's upset enough, she doesn't need that shit from you," Charlie scolded him.

"No dad, he's right. I was so stupid to put it off because I was worried about something tearing us apart again. And now look, _we're apart and I can't do anything because we're not married_." I started crying at the end. I had tried to remain in control, but I just completely lost it. I realized then that they didn't even have to let me in the ICU to see him when he was out of the surgery either. My feeling of helplessness grew tenfold, and I just felt so lost.

I walked down the hall in the waiting area so I could call Rose. I just needed to hear Benny's voice, even if he didn't really say much.

"Come here Benny, mommy is on the phone," Rose said and I could hear her running after my son, trying to get him to talk to me.

"AHEH!" I heard Benny scream.

"It's ok, Rose," I said disappointed.

"Sorry, I was just about to put him down for his nap."

"How is he doing?"

"He's ok. He's been saying 'Ma' and 'Da' a lot, but I've been trying to keep him busy. Alice and Jasper are here. They wanted to go down to the hospital to see you guys, but I thought it might get too crowded so I convinced them to wait here until you say it's ok."

"Thanks Rose, that's a good idea."

"Benny loves the extra company, but Alice keeps arguing with me over little ways that I'm caring for him. She's driving me insane, I have no idea how I came to be best friends with her…Sorry, Bella. I know you don't need to know about this shit right now. How are you holding up?"

"It's ok, I'm actually glad to hear about it, something to get my mind off everything, even just for a few minutes. I'm doing as well as possible given the circumstance, I just really hate this."

"I know, hang in there. Edward is going to be ok, he's a fighter."

He's a fighter, he's a fighter, everyone kept saying that, even I said it a few times, but truthfully isn't that what everyone said about people who were in life threatening situations? What if Edward wasn't a fighter; or maybe he just had enough fighting and was too tired to continue. How would I survive without him again?

Every hour seemed to drag on for an eternity, and yet it seemed like it had only been a moment since we found him in the muddy ditch. Eventually, the doctor came back out.

"Everything is going as expected. He'll be moved to the ICU momentarily."

"So, he's going to be ok?" I asked hopefully.

"We won't know if he'll be able to make a full recovery until he actually wakes up. We need to keep him in a coma for at least three days, and then if everything looks good at that point, we'll slowly bring him out of his coma."

"Thanks Doctor," I said.

They wheeled Edward past us, and if I didn't know it was him, I wouldn't have recognized him. His head was wrapped and covered; in fact, most of him was covered. Once again, I followed, but I wasn't allowed to go far.

"Only family members are allowed past visiting hours in the ICU."

And then I broke down again. "No please, I _am_ his family. He'd want me with him, I can't leave," I cried.

"Wait here, I'll go see what I can do," the nurse said.

After a few minutes, the nurse returned with someone who I never would have expected.

"Laurent?" I asked surprised and a little afraid. The last time I saw him, he tried to tie me to the school flag pole.

"It's good to see you again Ben," he said casually. I guess gossip really did get around.

"Bella," I corrected quietly.

"That's right; I did hear that, I'm sorry. Well, since I'm the hospital director, Nurse Kate asked if I'd OK you staying with Mr. Masen."

"Can you?" I asked hoping he matured over the years and didn't let out past influence his decision.

"Well the rules specifically state only legal relatives can stay past visiting hours, but given your history, I'd say that you're the closest relative he has, so I think we can make an exception."

"Seriously?" I asked with a mix of relief and paranoia. Was he being serious, or was he messing with me? If it were ten years ago, I would have definitely thought he was messing with me, but thankfully we both seemed to have become different people since then.

"Go right ahead," he said with a warm smile.

I almost hugged him…_almost_. Instead I settled for a sincere "Thank you."

"I know this doesn't make up for anything that happened in the past, but I hope it's a start," he said suddenly.

I didn't know how to respond, so I just nodded and then hurried to the ICU.

The night past slowly, and the morning came even slower. I spent the hours just listening to the beeping of his heart-rate monitor, and the sound of the breathing machine forcing air in and out of his lungs. I was given a cot, but it was horribly uncomfortable, not that I planned on sleeping anyway.

But surprisingly, I did sleep. The past few days had been exhausting, and having Edward as safe as possible in the moment right next to me, I couldn't help but let sleep overtake me. I was vaguely aware of the doctors and nurses coming in periodically, but I didn't fully wake until the next morning when Charlie and Emmett showed up.

"Hey kiddo, why don't you go home for a while and get cleaned up," Charlie suggested.

"No, I'm not leaving him."

"Bells, you're filthy and he's in a medically induced coma. There's no chance he'll wake before you get back. He won't even notice you're gone," Emmett reasoned.

I realized that I was still covered in dried mud and blood from when I held Edward after they pulled him out of the ditch. I really didn't care how I looked, but I didn't want Edward waking up to me dirty and smelly, so I reluctantly agreed to go home. Em and Charlie promised to stay with him until I got back, so I was slightly comforted by that fact.

Charlie gave me his car keys since I didn't have my car with me at the hospital, but on my way out, I passed by the recovery wing and I felt like I had to go in. We had no idea what really happened at the cabin before I got there, all I knew was that James was messed up pretty bad, and his psycho father pulled a knife on me. James Sr. said that his son was on the right path as an exterminator and doing well, so I was convinced that he was just as much of a victim as Edward was.

But still, I didn't know how happy he'd be to see me; even though he saw me in the cabin, I wasn't sure how lucid he was at that time. I hesitantly peeked inside his room, not wanting to wake him if he was sleeping, but he was already awake.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked me bitterly.

"Uh…I…just wanted to see if you were ok. You seemed pretty messed up at the cabin."

"Yeah, well that'll happen when you're almost killed by your father," he said coldly.

"Well, he was treated and taken to jail, so you don't have to worry about him anymore."

James' face distorted in a strange way that was a mix of a relieved smile and a cruel smirk, and suddenly I became even more uncomfortable than I was before.

"Ok, well, I should be going," I said as I turned towards the door realizing how stupid I was for going there.

"Is Edward awake yet?" He asked before I was able to make it all the way out.

"No, his in a medically induced coma."

He laughed once. "He doesn't remember you, you know."

I turned back to him confused, despite the fact that my head was screaming at me to leave.

"What do you mean?"

"When Riley took him from that street around the corner from your house, he hit him in the back of the head with a fucking baseball bat. When he woke up in the cabin, he couldn't remember you, well at least not like this. The last thing he knew of you was when we were in high school." The smirk on his face was sadistic but for some reason, I believed him.

Without even thinking, I ran back to the ICU and demanded to see Edward's doctor. I explained what James said, and the doctor nodded.

"Full or partial amnesia is always a concern with head injuries. Most of the time it's temporary, but it can be permanent. He had a lot of trauma to his brain, and that with the blood loss, I wouldn't be surprised that it would have a long term affect on him. But like I said before, we won't know until he wakes up. Go home, shower, get something to eat, and later this afternoon we need to put him back in surgery to replace the piece of skull we had to remove."

"So the swelling has gone down?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes, he's recovering quickly and I'm confident he'll be ready to be brought out of the coma in the next couple of days."

"Thanks doctor."

Being at home was bittersweet. I missed Benny so much and I loved being able to hold him, but my mind never left Edward. What if he didn't remember me past high school? How would I be able to get through all that anger and resentment again, especially since we have Benny now to consider? I knew couldn't handle seeing anymore hatred in his eyes directed towards me.

I was home longer than I anticipated because Benny didn't want to let me go. Alice and Rose did their best to distract him, and Jasper came with me back to the hospital. I felt horrible for tricking Benny into letting me leave, but Edward was due back in surgery and I had to be there for that.

Jasper and Emmett seemed to be happy to see each other, which was nice to see. In a way, they had been close to Edward as an adult the longest; the three of them were like brothers, and I knew it was hard for them as well.

After his surgery, he was brought back to the ICU, where he'd stay until he was healed enough to be brought out of his coma. Two more days passed, and the doctors decided he was finally able to be brought out of his coma.

As they took him off the medication that kept him asleep, I suddenly became terrified. There was a small chance that he'd never wake up and never be able to breathe on his own, but the doctor assured me that it was a very small chance. I knew he'd wake up, and I knew he'd make a full recovery, but I didn't know what state he'd be in when he first opened his eyes. They said it would be around six hours before he was able to wake on his own, so all we could do was wait. It felt like I had been doing nothing but waiting for so long, since he first disappeared, but at least the end was finally in sight.

Six hours, fourteen minutes, and twenty one seconds later, Edward started to stir.

"I shouldn't be here," I said quietly and then let go of his hand and practically ran out of the room.

"Hey, what's going on?" Charlie asked as I darted past him.

"He's waking up," I said in a panic.

"Well, that's a good thing honey."

I shook my head. "If he doesn't remember anything past high school, then he's going to look at me and freak out. His best friend in drag."

"But, you're not in drag," Charlie said confused.

"But that's what he's going to think. I don't want him to freak out when he first opens his eyes and sees me as…me," I said, pointing to my girly top and skinny jeans. Since being with Edward, I actually enjoyed dressing really feminine, I was even starting to like heels, but at the moment, I wished I had worn one of Edward's shirts and tied my hair in a tight ponytail.

"Look, you need to get back in there. Emmett and I will go in too if you want, that way he can see us first and we'll know how much he remembers."

I nodded. "That's a good idea."

The three of us went back into the room, and even though his eyes were still closed, it was obvious that he was close to waking. Charlie and Emmett sat close to his head, and I hovered in the back; close enough that I could see him, but far enough that he wouldn't completely freak out if he didn't remember me.

My heart was beating a mile a minute and I was on the verge of a panic attack. It took every last ounce of will power for me not to grab him and lock my lips to his permanently, but I had to remain in control. I made the mistake of not giving him time to accept the truth before, and I couldn't do that again.

Suddenly, he moaned. His head started moving from side to side as if he was having a bad dream, and ever so slowly, he finally opened his eyes. I hated not being the first person he saw, but in that instance, it was for the best.

"Hey bro, welcome back," Emmett said with a huge grin.

"You're in the hospital," Charlie explained warmly. "You gave us quite a scare there."

"What…where?" Edward said groggily as he looked around the room. I knew his throat must have hurt from having the tube down it, but more than anything, he just looked confused.

"Do you remember what happened in that cabin?" Charlie asked him.

Edward looked back at him, and nodded, but then he started scanning the room again until his eyes found me. He stared at me blankly for a long endless minute, and then his face stretched out into the biggest grin I ever saw on him before.

"Hey baby," he croaked, and I immediately started crying. I was vaguely aware that Emmett and Charlie quietly left the room, but all I could really see was Edward looking lovingly back at me. I gently but eagerly kissed his lips as my tears fell on his cheeks and down his neck.

"God, I was so worried about you," I whispered and brought his hand up to my face so I could kiss his knuckles and fingers.

"I was worried about you too. Did he hurt you? They said you were coming, and I tried to fight back but…" he had to take a deep breath in order to continue. It was clear just how hard he had to work at getting the words out, but he didn't stop trying. "I wasn't strong enough."

"Oh baby, you were plenty strong enough. You made it, you stayed alive until we found you, and that's all that matters."

I pressed his hand to my cheek, and he started moving his thumb to trace my lips.

"I was so scared I'd never see you again," he said no louder than a breath.

"We're together again, everything is fine now."

The doctor came in and checked his eye dilation, reflexes, and all his vitals, and then we were alone again.

He spent the next couple days doing a lot of sleeping and not much talking as his brain and body were trying to recoup. After he was deemed to be stable, they moved him to recovery, and thankfully, James was close to being released. The police came and asked Edward for a statement, and as I was listening to his story, I couldn't help but be stunned.

"So, James was really behind your kidnapping?" I asked him after the police left.

"Yeah, although I probably could have gotten away from him eventually if his demented father didn't show up."

I felt like an idiot. I was actually feeling sorry for James, but he was the one who was behind everything.

"James said you had amnesia?" I asked after Edward got settled in his new room.

He shook his head. "No, I faked it," he said while looking at me intensely. "When I first woke up there, my head hurt so bad that I couldn't think and I was really confused, but I figured it out soon enough. I just didn't know what he wanted or what he had planned, and when he mentioned you, I just reacted. I thought he was pissed at me for whatever reason, so I pretended to not remember you in the hope that he'd leave you alone. When I realized that he was really pissed because we came back to town as a couple, I was already too deep into the amnesia thing to change my story, not that the truth would have changed anything anyway, they guy was seriously fucking bonkers."

"I was so worried that you forgot the past eight years and we'd have to start over again. I just didn't know how to…" I didn't realize that I was crying again, but Edward reached his hand up and wiped the tears away. I leaned into his touch, so he pulled me forward and into the bed with him.

"Baby, I'd never forget you. _Never_," he pulled me in even closer so he could kiss me, and I welcomed his lips with the assurance that everything was going to be OK.

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><p><strong>*FYI, even when I was writing the last chapter, I knew he was faking it so I was very careful with his internal dialogue. He was vague with his thoughts, which was done purposefully. I wanted Bella to really believe that Edward wasn't going to remember her, and in order to do that effectively, I needed the reader to be unsure. I hope it worked.<strong>

**Again, I don't work in the medical field so I only go off of what little internet research I can find in a short amount of time, and my own imagination. If anything was wrong, please dismiss it and allow me a little creative freedom. If I was publishing this, I'd spend more time on making sure everything is accurate, but everyone seems to like the quick updates, so there's no time for in-depth studies on the subject.**

**One chapter left. Please Review.**


	26. Ch 25 Always

**Lies of the Soul**

~Chapter 25 – _Always_~

BPOV

Edward was in the hospital for four more days, making his total ordeal two weeks long. He was extremely anxious to get discharged because it was the longest he had ever been away from Benny. I was able to bring Benny in to see his daddy in recovery, but he wasn't ever able to stay long, and he was so confused by the setting that he didn't do much but stare wide eyed as all the doctors and nurses came and went around him. But worse than Benny's confusion, was when it was time to take him home after visiting. He would scream and cling to Edward, which only made me worry about Edward's stitches in his abdomen, and it made both of them that much more anxious from the situation.

When he was finally discharged, Edward wasn't happy about the doctor's orders.

"Six weeks, no strenuous activity."

"Uh, the whole six week thing doesn't work for us," Edward protested, remembering my six week healing period after Benny was born.

"Well, it more like…"

"Guidelines. Yeah, we heard that before," Edward said like a smartass to the doctor.

"We just don't want you tearing any stitches. The endorphins released during sex is actually good for the brain, so we don't worry about that, so as long as you're comfortable, I'd say just start easy. We need a follow up appointment next week, and then another three weeks after that."

"Thanks doc," Edward said casually.

We decided to stay in Forks until after his first follow up appointment, plus it was Benny's birthday and we thought it would be nice to have the party there. Oddly enough, since being kidnapped and almost killed, Edward actually seemed a lot more comfortable in our hometown than he did before, and was in no hurry to leave.

Even more surprising than Edward's sudden change in heart, was the attitude of the locals. Edward's kidnapping, of course, made the town's newspaper, along with the truth about _me._ I would have sworn that there would have been a lot more negative repercussions from having my life exposed like that, but the truth was, it actually turned out to be a good thing. I got so many well wishers and ex schoolmates apologizing for things that I didn't even really remember. Everyone was so supportive and welcomed Edward and I back in the community. Even on our few casual trips to the supermarket for the party supplies, we would have old acquaintances coming up to us as if we were all best friends.

Half the town showed up for Benny's party in Charlie's backyard. Most weren't invited and I wondered how they knew of it, but that's just the way small towns were. It was almost as if the birthday party turned into a birthday slash welcome home party, not only for Edward, but for both of us, and it actually felt really good seeing everyone again. Edward wasn't fully recovered yet and he got tired easily, so he spent a lot of the party sitting, and Benny spent that time on his lap. Benny became Edward's shadow since he got out, they were always close but Benny seemed to be having a major case of separation anxiety and I think the feeling was mutual.

Edward and I never really discussed the 'Jacob thing' which had been the reason why he left, only to get kidnapped in the first place; too much had happened for either of us to really care anymore. But when Jacob and Leah walked into the yard for the party, I was worried that it'd all come back up to the forefront.

Edward was trying to show Benny how to do the ring toss game, but being one, Benny didn't have much interest in it. He didn't notice Jacob at first, but when he did, Edward immediately stopped what he was doing and glared at him. He stood, picking up Benny as he did so, and then walked over to Jake.

"I wasn't planning to come, but Leah thought I should try to make some peace," Jacob said hesitantly to Edward. I walked closer to them, hoping between me and the fact that Edward was holding Benny, that it wouldn't get too loud.

"I'm glad you're here," Edward said uncomfortably.

"Really?" Jake asked confused.

"I overreacted and jumped to the wrong conclusions, but after thinking about it for awhile, I'm actually really grateful that Bella had a real friend those last few months she lived here for."

"If it's any consolation, I'm sure you were never far from her thoughts back then."

"I was horrible back then, and it's something that I have to live with. I'm just glad she forgave me and gave me a chance to make it right."

Jake nodded absently. "So, that James prick was crazier then we ever thought, huh?"

"To be honest, I wasn't that surprised. I always knew he was fucked up in the head and his father was even worse."

"You know, I actually thought this was all my fault. Remember when I beamed him really hard on the sandlot? I was sure that I knocked some screws loose, or something."

"James was insane long before you ever hit him with a baseball," Edward rebutted.

"Yeah, I guess we should have all known that when he started tying sparklers to the neighborhood cat's tail."

"True," Edward agreed.

"So how long are you guys going to be in town for?" Leah asked.

Edward looked at me questionably, and I shrugged, so he turned back to Leah. "Uh, probably just a few more days. I have to get back to work, so we'll leave after my appointment on Wednesday."

The party was pretty much a success thanks to Benny's two diligently perfect aunts. I was so glad when they offered to put the party together for me, since I was so focused on Edward's recovery, not to mention the fact that I was horrible at event planning. It got late, and the guests gave us their well wishes, and all went home.

Edward's appointment that Wednesday came and went and before we knew it, we were back home in our Seattle high rise condo, but it felt odd. We hadn't been gone for all that long, but being back strangely felt almost foreign, instead of the feeling of 'home' like we were expecting.

Edward and I each went back to work, and Benny was back in childcare, and two weeks later, we got some unexpected news. We were having a BBQ, and Emmett announced that they had something they wanted to tell us.

"Rose and I have started the process of adoption."

"Oh, that's awesome man," Edward said enthusiastically. I congratulated them as well, but that wasn't Emmett's entire announcement.

"And, we're moving back to Forks," Emmett said abruptly.

We were all silent for a few minutes as we let what he was saying digest.

"I thought you loved it here?" Edward asked surprised.

"We do, but we've been thinking about it, and we really want to raise our child there, and we decided it's a good idea to get settled for a while before we bring a child into our family."

"Wow, so, you're moving soon then?" Edward asked in almost an anxious way. I was taken aback by Edward's reaction, I knew they were close, but I didn't realize how codependent they were in their friendship until then. They never let more than a couple days go by without seeing each other, and it was obvious then, that the separation was going to take time to get used to.

I had often wondered how much their relationship changed once I came back into the picture, but I knew then that it had nothing to do with me. Emmett wasn't my brother, not really, he was Edward's, and I was actually really happy about that. They needed each other far more than I needed Emmett, so it was actually very natural feeling to think of him more of a brother in law, than my biological half brother. Alice was definitely _my_ sister, we had been through so much together because of our mother, that our bond ran deep, but she and I were so vastly different that we didn't feel the need to hang out all the time the way Edward and Emmett did.

"Yeah, next week actually. I got accepted at the Forks PD, and Rose is going to open up a preschool. Pop's been on the lookout for a house for us, so it's all good."

Edward nodded supportively, even though I could tell he was upset he wouldn't be able to see Em as much, in fact, they both were.

"But, we'll still see each other all the time, I mean it's only three hours away," Em said, probably trying to convince himself more than Edward.

"Yeah, definitely," Edward agreed halfheartedly.

Edward and I never really discussed Emmett's move back to Forks, but I could tell it was heavy on his mind all week. Their move was actually perfect timing however, because Edward was due back for his three week check up, so we'd all be in town together.

"Well, Mr. Masen, everything looks good. You're healing beautifully, and I'd say it was all a success."

"So…I'm free to do _anything_?" he asked the doctor suggestively.

"I wouldn't do marathon training or major weight lifting, but I think normal _physical_ activity is fine."

"Ok, it's been fun; I hope to never see you again," Edward said quickly before grabbing my hand and rushing me out of the room. We hadn't been completely abstinent, but I knew Edward had been craving actual intercourse as much as I had been, so he was eager to say the least.

"Where are we going?" I asked as he took the keys from me and drove us onto the freeway.

"We can't go back to your dad's place, it's in the middle of the day and everyone is there. I want to make some noise, and I'm not talking about the bed squeaking kind."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "So, we're going all the way back home?" I asked confused.

"Nope, no time for that," he said with an inhumanly beautiful sadistic grin.

"Where then?"

"Do you really not know?" he asked as he pulled back off the freeway.

Of course I knew, _then_. There were two ways to get to the meadow, one, a five mile hike that started behind my childhood home, or two, a one and a half mile hike at the end of a dirt road which we currently turned onto.

"I don't know if a hike is what the doctor meant as 'normal physical activity'," I protested, surprised by his intended location.

"Please. A mile and half hike is nothing compared to our 'normal physical activity'."

"But it might be more then what the doctor would want you to be doing right now."

Truthfully, I really didn't want to be going to the meadow. Not only did Edward get stranded up there a few months before Benny was born, but the last time I was there was when I kissed him when we were fifteen, and I swore then that I'd never go back. It wasn't the best memory to revisit for either of us, so I didn't understand why he wanted to go there. I thought he was eager to have sex, but maybe he had something else in mind, I only wished I knew what.

He parked the car, and then got out and opened the trunk door. I got out much slower, and looked at my sandal clad feet and sighed. "I don't think this is the best idea, I'm not wearing proper shoes for hiking."

Without a word, he handed me my hiking boots and a pair of socks.

"You planned this?" I asked.

He smiled, and then threw a backpack over his shoulder. "Yep. Let's go."

"Wouldn't you rather go to a hotel or something? What about Benny; we probably shouldn't be gone for too long."

"I already talked to Rose about it. There's no getting out of this Swan, so let's go," he said, and didn't wait for a response before walking forward onto the trail.

I whined to myself, but reluctantly followed him. It wasn't that I hadn't missed the meadow, because I had and a part of me was really excited to go back, but since it was the location that permanently altered my life, it just didn't hold the same magic as it once had.

He walked ahead of me for a short while, but then he slowed down and held my hand the rest of the way. We didn't talk, we just kept looking around at the familiar forest as all our childhood adventures started pouring back into my mind with the intensity of an avalanche.

That was the tree where we carved our names.

There was the rock I jumped off of and broke my finger.

That was the spot he fell and cut open his hand, and then we mixed our blood. I couldn't help but glance at the scar on my palm after seeing that. He didn't say anything, but he knew what I was thinking and he smirked.

Finally, we passed the tree house. The harsh weather and years of neglect did nothing to diminish its perfection. It was still crooked and riddled with holes and gaps between the planks, but it was as beautiful as it ever was.

"Want to go inside?" he asked excitedly.

"No," I said with a laugh.

"Why not?" He seemed hurt by my answer, but that didn't mean I was going to change it.

"Because, we're both heavier than we were as kids, and I doubt the thing will hold us."

"I slept in there last year, its fine."

I shook my head, unwilling to even consider it. Perhaps it had nothing to do with the stability of the structure; perhaps I was just still afraid of the stability of our relationship. I knew he loved me for me and understood what happened in our past, but understanding it and seeing it were two different things. What would the memories of us there, do to our current relationship?

Edward saw that I wasn't going to budge, so he smiled and rolled his eyes before dragging me the final few yards to the clearing of the meadow.

It was a cloudy day, but not in the meadow. The sun broke through and shone brightly on the wildflowers that grew there.

"God, I forgot how beautiful this place is," I whispered as we walked into the warmth of the sun.

"When I came before, it was hideous; everything was brown and dead," Edward said.

"I guess you shouldn't have come here without me then," I said jokingly smug.

"You're right about that." He pulled off his backpack and kneeled down as he opened it and started rummaging around in it.

"What do you have in there?" I asked curiously.

"Snacks, of course."

He was such a smartass, and I absolutely loved him for it.

He actually had more than 'snacks', he had a whole picnic ready for us.

"When did you become so romantic?" I asked with a smile.

"Hey, I resent that question; I've always been romantic. Remember three months ago when I brought you home those flowers?"

"Didn't you say that your business building took those out of the flowerbeds because they were planting new ones?"

He thought about it for a minute. "Ok, bad example. How about when we were ten and you really wanted the Louis Garcia baseball card, and I spent every dime I could find to keep buying the damn cards until I found one."

I nodded. "I'd call that sweet, not romantic. I don't really think you were trying to romance me back then."

"No?"

I laughed. "No. Edward, what are we doing here? This is all wonderful, but….why _here,_ why now?"

"Because I love you, and this is the place where it all started."

"It's also the place where it ended."

He nodded solemnly. "But I needed you to know something important, and I knew this was the one place where I could ever really tell you it."

"What?" I asked confused, and slightly worried from the sudden serious tone to his voice.

"You're not the only one who lied, because I did too. Here, in this place, the last time we were together."

"What are you talking about?" I asked quietly.

"When you kissed me, and I pushed you away saying I would never want to do that. It was a lie, because I … because I had thought about it before, and I thought about it so much afterwards too."

I shook my head, still unsure of what he was telling me.

"I was in love with you…long _before_ I knew the truth. But I wasn't gay, and so I was confused and scared to feel what I was feeling. You kissed me, and for a brief moment, I wanted it, and I kissed you back."

I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I had thought he kissed me back, but I couldn't believe it no matter how real it felt. His confession changed nothing about our current relationship, and yet, it also changed absolutely everything.

"What are you telling me?" I asked, already knowing, but needing to hear the words from his lips.

He took a deep breath, and then grabbed both my hands in his. "I always loved you. _Always_. And I didn't understand it, and it freaked the hell out of me, but…." Another deep breath. "If…if you were the _you_ I thought you were, and you didn't 'die'…I think…no, I _know_ there could have only been two possible outcomes. One, I would have continued down the path of denial and self-loathing that I was in when Emmett forced me to clean up my act, and I would have ended up dead and-or homeless. Or, I would have eventually accepted my feelings and learned to live with them. I would have found you, and begged you to forgive me."

"You're not gay," I said quietly.

"No, but I loved you enough to know there was no one else on the planet for me. My soul doesn't give a shit what body you're in, and when I pretended that it did, I was only lying to myself. We belong together no matter what, and I would have admitted that eventually."

"And what, we would have gone partying together in gay bars and lived our lives as a homosexual couple, even though you weren't gay?" I asked incredulously.

He shook his head slowly, never breaking his intense eye contact with me. "No. We would have just been two people in love, and not given a shit about titles and labels. I swear, I would have loved you faithfully, everyday of the rest of my life. I would have made love to you, and never think about anything other than how much I loved you. Nothing else would have mattered but that fact."

He moved closer to me and released my hands from his. Slowly and gently, he cradled my face and rested his head against mine. When he spoke again, it was only a whisper and every word brought him closer and closer until our lips were practically touching. "You would have had the same endlessly deep eyes, the same fiercely passionate heart, and the same – exact – perfect - lips." He kissed me softly, soulfully, and it was unlike anything I ever felt before.

All of our kisses had been so full of love and passion, but this one was different, it was far beyond this world, and even the next. Long after our lips would part, that kiss would remain, it was immortal. Forever in a moment. Our _Always._

We made love right there in the middle of the meadow, but neither of us ever experienced anything like it before. Our bodies were connected, and as heavenly as that felt, it didn't compare to the endless depth of our true unification. Our spiritual completion. It was an out of body, other worldly fusion of the very essence of our being. Like finding a high that no drug or adrenalin rush could ever reach. We didn't have bodies in those moments, because we didn't need them, and I knew then without a doubt, that he was right. We would have found our way back to that place, no matter what obstacles life threw at us, because that's where we belonged.

After basking in each other's love for an indefinable amount of time, he finally broke the silence.

"But, I would have been the pitcher."

Uh?

Understanding finally washed over me as I realized what he meant, and I couldn't stop myself from cracking up because it had nothing to do with baseball. I laughed so hard that that the vibrations that rippled through my body to his as we laid there still connected, caused a new wave of passion. He rolled over me so he was back on top, and slowly started pumping again as he continued with his playful banter.

"I would have done it for you, but I would have had to be the one in control of the situation, it's just a fact."

I giggled and moaned in pleasure at the same time. "No way, I was always the more masculine one out of the two of us…" I moaned again. "And I was always the better '_pitcher_'."

He huffed. "You might have been the pitcher on the field, but not in the bedroom," he said, and then lifted my leg over his hip and changed the angel of his thrusting, hitting me in the perfect spot.

"Okay, you have me there," I conceded. "But its better that there's only one penis between us," I continued the joke as he continued the pumping.

"I think we can both agree to that," he said.

"We were always good at sharing."

"Really good," he agreed as his pace started to increase.

"As long as we both know that _it's_ really mine though." My hands ran up his back and then knotted in his hair as our movements became more frantic.

"All yours," he said with an underlying promise that I knew he'd never break.

After we both came for the second time, he stopped with jokes and became serious again.

"Will you marry me Bella?" he asked, keeping our closeness. It wasn't the first time he asked me, but I was positive it would be his last.

"Yes, of course I will. I'm so sorry for ever asking you to wait."

"None of that matters now," he whispered truthfully, because there was nothing left. No pain, no doubt, and absolutely no forgiveness because it just wasn't needed. Edward was right, none of it mattered, our bodies were only temporary and what we had in that meadow, would last forever.

….

After placing a huge diamond ring on my finger, Edward surprised me again by somehow finding a way to sneak an air mattress and pillows and blankets into the tree house. I didn't ask him how or when he brought the stuff there, because I just didn't care. My fears about the stability of the structure, as well as the stability of our relationship, completely vanished because there was absolutely nothing that I trusted more than what we had created together. We camped out and giggled about memories of our past, and made love all night. It was heavenly bliss.

"Hey, I was thinking," he said after we were both quiet for a while. I had thought he was asleep from the stillness between us, and was almost asleep myself, but was thrilled that he wasn't. I loved talking to him, and I wasn't ready for the amazing night to be over.

"Uh oh. I thought we established that you shouldn't do that," I teased.

He laughed. "Yeah, it does hurt to think at times, but I can't stop until I talk to you about it."

"Ok, let's hear it."

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad moving back here to raise Benny."

Two months ago, I would have been stunned by the suggestion, but since being there after his ordeal and the people were all so welcoming, not to mention Emmett moving back, I actually half expected him to want that.

"You miss Em that much already, huh?" I joked, knowing it wasn't wrong, but wasn't the real reason either.

"I was actually thinking about it before we left last time. I don't know, it just felt like…"

"Like we were leaving home instead of going?" I finished his sentence feeling the exact same way. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

"As long as it's what you want too."

I nodded. "I really do. I want to move back home. But what about your job?"

"Well, I think I'm in a position to buy the company. I've been working towards that for a few years now, and I think I can do it. If I put Esme in charge of running the daily office, I can do the rest remotely and only go in when absolutely necessary."

"So, we're really going to do this? Like, really, really?"

He smiled. "I think so."

"What about the houses here? They aren't exactly upscale like what you're used to in Seattle."

"I've already looked into that," he said unexpectedly.

"Really?"

"There's a house just outside the city limit. Some big wig from the city came out here and built it hoping for the 'slower life', but then he hated it. It's a big white five bedroom, on five acres. I think I could be happy there."

"You really have put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?"

"I just never knew I'd miss this place so much. Not just the forest and the people, but who we were and the simplicity of life….well simple for me anyway. I'm sure pretending to be something you're not, was far from simple."

"It wasn't simple in that way, but you're right, life here was good and I never felt really at home anywhere else. I want Benny to have that. I want him to have room to run and skin his knee, and get into some good small town trouble. I want him to make a friend that he can grow up with and find adventures with, just like what we had."

"Well, maybe not 'just' like what we had," he smirked and then kissed the crook of my neck.

"As long as he's happy, what difference does it make?"

"It doesn't, and we'll make sure he grows up knowing that."

….

The following week, we bought the house that Edward had found. It was absolutely beautiful; private and yet still close enough to town that we didn't feel too isolated. And three months after that, I found myself right in the middle of another over the top wedding, except this time, it was mine. Edward and I didn't want to wait any longer to get married, so we planned to just go down to city hall, but after a long winded guilt trip from Alice, we agreed to let her plan a wedding. First we said the deadline was in a month, but somehow she stretched that to three months, and finally that day had arrived.

Like with Emmett and Rose's wedding, I was way overdone, but unlike their wedding, I no longer felt like a drag queen. I loved the dress Alice picked for me, and I didn't even mind the pound of makeup she plastered on my face. We got married in our new house, and it was absolutely perfect. There were only around thirty guests, which was exactly what we wanted; small and intimate with just our family and closest friends.

When the minister pronounced us husband and wife, I couldn't believe the emotions that overcame me. We were already everything to each other so I didn't expect the last technical detail to mean so much to me, but since that day when he was in the coma and I couldn't sign for him, being legally tied meant the world to me.

No one would ever stop us from getting to each other again, and nothing could tear us apart. I was his, and he was mine, in every sense of the word. Forever and Always.

* * *

><p><strong>*Hey, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. I didn't want to focus on the wedding too much because it really wasn't all that important. It was important, but I thought Edward's meadow confession was really the pinnacle of the chapter, as well as the whole story. Everything had been leading up to Edward realizing and admitting his true feelings, because everything before that were just LIES of his SOUL ;) After that, the marriage was mainly just a technicality. Plus, I always write big weddings and I'm kind of sick of it. Lol.<strong>

**There will be an epilogue in the next couple of days. It may be short like the prologue, or it may be long, I won't know until I write it.**

**Thanks for taking time to read this, I really appreciate it.**

**Please Review.**


	27. Epilogue Right Here

**Lies of the Soul**

~Epilogue – _Right Here_~

EPOV

"Edward and I are captains," Emmett announced.

"No way, what makes you guys captains?" Jacob protested.

"Because, I'm the law in these parts, so that means, what I say goes," Emmett said smugly.

"Whatever."

"Since I'm feeling charitable, I'll let you pick first bro."

"Cool," I said and looked at my options standing in front of me. "I pick….Benny."

I stared at Bella with a smirk, as she scowled from my choice. I knew she was expecting me to pick her first, but it was payback from when she picked Jake over me as kids, and she knew it.

"I'm going to pick my beautiful wife Rose _first_. Because that's what good husbands do," Emmett said while shooting me a suggestive glare.

"Ok, for my second pick, I choose….Charlie." Bella huffed as Charlie came to my side and slapped a high five with Benny.

Emmett shook his head knowing Bella was going to give me hell later. "Come on Nahuel, come play on your old man's team," Emmett called to his son who was playing his hand held video game on the bench close by.

"Not now dad, I'm on the fifth level," Nahuel said. Rose and Emmett adopted Nahuel from Brazil eight years before, and even though they adored him, Emmett was always trying to get him interested in sports, but he just never was.

"Fine, Jazz, you're with me," Emmett said a little disappointed.

Bella crossed her arms in front of me and raised her eyebrows waiting for me to call her name, but I wasn't finished messing with her yet.

"Alice," I said with a huge grin.

"Oh, come on. You picked Alice over me?" Bella said frustrated.

"What? She's a great pitcher," I said defensively.

"_I'm _a great pitcher," she practically yelled back.

"Dude, you're going to end up in the dog house," Emmett whispered to me before making his pick. "Seth," he called. Seth and Leah became Bella and Emmett's step siblings, since Sue and Charlie got married, and we all got along really well.

And then I decided to piss Bella off even more. "Jake," I said with a smile. Jake and Bella looked at each other stunned, and then he reluctantly ran over to my team.

"That was a low blow Edward, even for you," Alice said from behind me, but Bella stayed quiet.

"Sue," Emmett called.

"Dad, pick Claire," Benny whispered to me.

"Claire," I called, even though I was really hoping Emmett would have picked her instead. Claire was actually a really great baseball player, probably even better than Benny, but I was still uncomfortable with the closeness of Benny and Claire's relationship. They were both twelve years old, and their relationship seemed to be moving past the 'best friends' phase and I was constantly freaking out about it.

"You know, I'm really offended that we're the last to be picked," Leah said to Bella. "We're better then all of them put together."

"They know that; why do you think they haven't picked us yet," Bella said back to her.

"They just don't like to be shown up."

"Exactly."

"Bro, do you want me to pick Bella?" Emmett asked me quietly.

"Not if you want to live to see tomorrow," I replied casually.

"Leah," Emmett called.

There she was, standing alone, the last to be picked. Bella was always on a different level than everyone else and even after thirteen years; she never quite fit in with the rest of us. Not only was she better than everyone else at everything, but even the way she looked was different. Rose was beautiful the way a Barbie doll was, Leah was beautiful in the fierce athletic way, and Alice was beautiful in the bubbly fine featured delicate way. Bella's beauty was different, and I could never quite put it to adequate words. It wasn't obvious like the others, but none of them could ever compare. People were just entranced by her, and I had many who tried to take her from me over the years, but I was never worried. We were solid, and neither of us were ever even attracted to other people. We rarely fought about anything anymore, although picking her last for baseball might change that. As she glared at me angrily, I was suddenly really regretting my joke.

"Bella," I finally said, so she stomped her way over to our group and kissed Benny on the head, but refused to look at me.

Our team was at bat first, so Benny went up to hit. We all watched Benny hit the ball towards center field, but after he made it to second base, I tried to make my peace with my wife.

"Babe?" I said sheepishly.

She was watching the game and speaking casually with Charlie, and completely ignoring me.

"Bella, come on, it was just a joke," I said apologetically. I scooted closer to her on the bench and kissed her neck. I half expected her get up and walk away, but she didn't move, so I decided to push my luck and kiss her again. This time, she leaned her head to the opposite side to give me more access to her neck. I smiled and kissed her again and again, trailing my mouth up her neck until she finally turned toward me and let me kiss her on the lips.

She parted her lips and let my tongue enter her mouth to greet hers, and…

"Oh gross," Benny said disgusted after he made it to home plate.

"Why is it gross for me to kiss my wife?" I asked him slightly bitter because Bella pulled away from me. "You kiss your cousin, now that's gross."

"She's not my cousin, and I do _not_ kiss her," Benny said embarrassed.

"But you want to, don't you? By the way, she's not allowed in your bedroom with the door shut anymore."

"That's not fair," he protested.

"Life's not fair," I said with a smirk, unwilling to let him change my mind.

"Mom?" he asked, looking for help.

She put her hands up. "Nope, I'm staying out of this one."

"Come on Claire, let's get out of here," Benny said bitterly.

"Hey, we're in the middle of a game, if you both leave we'll be down two players."

"I don't care, come on Claire."

Claire got up and followed Benny as he sulked off.

"Claire?" Jake said as she left without saying a word. "I swear Masen, your kid better not corrupt her."

I opened my mouth to argue with his threat, but then I thought better of it. Out of the two of them, Benny was definitely the one to cause more trouble. Claire just followed him around and did whatever he wanted; I shook my head at the thought.

"They're cousins, so they wouldn't do anything…_stupid,_ right?" I asked mostly myself, but Jake answered my rhetorical question.

"But they're not cousins genetically….If that punk gets her pregnant, I'm going to…"

"They're twelve years old," Bella said annoyed by our concerns.

"Kids start doing things a lot younger these days," Charlie chimed in. Jake and I just glared at him, but Bella rolled her eyes. "If I were you, I'd be more worried about those two," he said, pointing at Nahuel and Carlie sitting on the bench.

"Oh dad," Bella said annoyed, then walked over to talk to Alice.

"They're only ten and they hate each other," I said, not understanding Charlie's warning.

"They may _pretend_ to hate each other, but when they think no one else is looking, they're always gawking at the other."

"They're cousins!" I said frustrated at my father in-law.

In truth, none were actually biologically related, but what difference did that make? Claire was my kids' cousin because her mother Leah was Bella's step sister, and Nahuel was adopted by Emmett and Rose. Not to mention that they were all way too young to be thinking about that sort of thing.

Claire was very much a tomboy, just like her mother Leah was, and when Bella and I had our daughter Carlie, we were convinced that she would be too, but we were way off. Carlie was the prissiest girly girl that I had ever seen. She hated sports and insisted on always wearing dresses, refusing to get the slightest bit dirty. Bella had a harder time dealing with the girly stuff then I did. I actually loved seeing my baby girl in her dance recitals and cheer competitions.

"_You did say that you were just as girly before your mom went all crazy on you_," I'd tell Bella when she'd get a horrified expression from the frilly dresses Carlie would pick out.

"_I know, I know,"_ she'd agree. _"Thank god for crazy mothers,"_ she said under her breath.

Bella's mother was unexplainably released from the mental hospital in Florida, so Charlie decided to press charges. He hated Renee with a passion, and after what she did to his daughter, there was no way he'd ever be ok with her being free to hurt anyone else. She was charged with falsifying legal documents, and child neglect and endangerment. Upon her arrest, she was mentally evaluated and was sentenced to another mental facility.

As much as I hated the way Bella suffered at the hands of her mother, I was actually slightly grateful too. Looking back on our childhood, I realized that our relationship would have been different if she was allowed to be herself. Though I didn't have a doubt that we would have ended up together either way, we just wouldn't have been as close as children as we were when I thought she was a boy. I told her things that I never would have if I knew the truth, which is one of the reasons why I was angry when I initially found out. But in the long run, I knew it made us closer than we ever would have been otherwise.

What was based on a lie, I realized was just fate. Everything happened for a reason, and although I wished I could take some things back, I knew they were all just bumps in the road to get us where we are today.

When Renee was deemed mentally unfit to live on her own, Charlie dropped the charges so she could be put in a hospital that wasn't run by the prison system. He hated doing it, but he knew that despite everything, Bella and Alice loved their mother, so he did it for them.

I paid for Renee to be put in the Port Angeles Mental Health Hospital. It was expensive because it was one of the best facilities in the country, but it was worth it because Bella and Alice had their mother close by, and were able to visit her as often as they wanted.

Alice and Jasper had a daughter they named Dakota Jane, but decided they didn't want any other kids and were happy with just one. She was five and had more attitude then all the kids combined, but all the older kids completely doted on her. They still lived in Seattle, but came to visit often.

Besides Nahuel, Rose and Emmett had a three year old daughter named Bree, who they adopted from Russia. She was a very shy quiet little girl, who Carlie dressed up and used as her own living doll. All of our kids pretty much got along, with the exception of Carlie and Nahuel. I really hoped Charlie was wrong about them, because neither Emmett nor I would be ok with them dating one day.

"Ok Babe, your turn to bat," I told Bella. She kissed me quickly and then walked to the plate. I loved watching her play baseball, partly because her ass looked so good in the tight pants, but mainly because she was still so good at it.

Jasper was pitching, and he was pretty good, but he was no match for Bella.

"Homerun!" I shouted as her ball went souring over the back fence.

As she ran the bases smugly, I waited for her at home plate to kiss her when she returned there. Maybe she wasn't smug, maybe I was smug for her.

"Boo-ya! In your face Em!" I gloated.

"Next time I'm picking her for my team!" Emmett yelled back from outfield.

"No way, next time I'm captain," Bella said as we sat back down and watched the next hitter.

With Bella's grand slam, Emmett's team couldn't catch up and we won the game easily.

"We'll get you next time," Em said feebly knowing that unless Bella was on his team, they didn't really stand a chance.

We tried to get together for a big family game once a month, but we were all pretty busy and didn't always manage to pull it all together.

My company was flourishing and we were the top agency in the state, thanks to my wonderful Executive Manager Esme. Esme and Carlisle had become good friends of ours over the years due to our working relationship, and because they didn't have any kids of their own, they were like surrogate grandparents for Benny and Carlie.

I saw my father regularly, and though we'd never be as close as a father and son should be, we were cordial and much friendlier than I ever would have believed.

Life was amazing, and I couldn't ask for a more peaceful existence. I had the perfect family, and the most beautifully stunning wife who was also my best friend.

….

"_Ben?" I asked him as we stared up at the night sky through the cracks in the tree house roof._

"_What Edward?" _

"_Where do you think we'll be in twenty years?" I asked him._

"_Why do you always ask such weird questions?"_

"_I just think about stuff all the time."_

"_Well, stop," he said frustrated._

"_I can't. Just answer the question."_

"_Fine, what was it again?"_

"_Where do you think we'll be in twenty years?" I asked my best friend again._

_He was quiet as he thought about it for a minute, and then he took a deep breath. "Right here."_

**The End**

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading this story. It was something that I had floating around in my head for a long time and I thought it was way too strange to be shared with anyone. I took a chance and decided to post it, and I really hope you enjoyed reading it along with any of my other crazy stories. I've loved every single one of your reviews, even the ones that weren't so positive. They always encouraged me to think and reconsider things, and I believe I've grown as a writer because of them.<strong>

**My review reply link is still broken, which is very disappointing because I'd love to write back to you. However, the PM reply seems to be working, so if you'd like to get in contact with me for any reason, I'll respond to any PM.**

**Thanks again, I really appreciate you taking a chance on my insanely twisted stories, and if you have a few seconds, I'd really appreciate one last review.**


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